Hi Debbie and everyone,
Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas. Hope it has been as uneventful as can be in the upset department and you are able to get through it on loving memories and some hope of less turbulent times for next year.
After a rocky start I pulled myself together, sorted the kitchen and cleaned the bathroom ( ran out of energy yesterday). I made my prawn cocktail and mam’s pineapple pud (yum). Can’t cook so couldn’t make the shortbread layers so crumbled biscuits into it instead and added some festive cherries.
Enjoyed my lunch in my festive green dress and sparkly white cardy. Porsch enjoyed sharing my beef and then returned to bed. No phonecalls. I even checked my messages and there was one from the council booking me in for my roof repair in January. So nothing from my sis up north, dad (don’t even know if he’s there), sis round the corner. I did get a text this morn from my niece which I returned with a Merry Christmas and to my nephew. I mentioned doing the lanterns and that there was lots of pud if they wanted to drop in Boxing Day but they didn’t say yes, just they would let me know, which means nothing. Watched the Kings Speech (an hour late because I was so late in getting up) and cried for mam. His speech was very good - inclusive of all faiths and none, very modern with the cost of living crisis and kindness people show to one another with donations and their time. Light overcoming darkness across the world. All the while I was imagining being back with mam at the old house, helping with dinner and laying the table, pulling crackers and wearing hats. I wish I’d made more effort to be happier. It has played on a loop in my head all day, from frantically trying to get out the door with all the bags of pressies (mostly for the children) and not always succeeding because of panic. The drive over (about 45 mins without traffic or snow). Arriving to mam in the kitchen, full of busy, with dad sitting in front of the tv. There’d always be a an argument because dad wanted me to drive him to the pub when I arrived (and then back again), and then to pick up (and back again). I would feel guilty for not wanting to do it and being so anxious all day because he’d be annoyed. It would mean being in the car most of the day, not to mention my being really claustrophobic. I don’t understand why he always wanted to go to the pub. There was plenty of drink in the house. Mam would be wearing a lovely jumper with velvet. Carols in the background, or Cliff (mam’s love). I would have to drink pop because I was driving, and try not to spill it on the crisp white tablecloth. Dad wouldn’t want to watch the Queens speech but we would anyway. I would eventually settle down to feel like I was back at home again, that safe, cosy feeling, doing the jigsaw after dinner was cleared away. We’d pop the lights on outside and I’d dread having to leave again and journey back on my own, with the panic about whether I’d get parked anywhere near the house. I wish I’d got my parking bay before mam left me. She would have seen the difference it made to being able to leave the house. I would have got mam the new J’Adore perfume this year. I might still get it and wear it for her and it will be like she is with me again.
Still haven’t [posted on mams tribute site. I know how upset I’ll be to see her smiling at me. But I want to show her the kisses xmas trees and all the things I chose to remember her by. I can’t think of anything worse than not having my mam here. But I wish I wasn’t me. I wish I was able to have told her and shown her how much I love her. I feel so alone without her, especially today. It was like I was trying to be mam, going through the rituals of preparing things in the kitchen (the non cooking variety). It just makes me even more sad because it’s so empty without her to share it with me.
Suzanne, thank you so much for my pressies. The garden sign made me laugh and the fudge reminds me of mams home made fudge and toffee she’d make when I was little. She was always making yummy things. I took it all for granted because that’s just who she is. It’s only looking back that I see how special it all is. I wish I’d thanked her for being her. She is the kindest, most loving person I know.
Suzanne, I hope you’re having a good time with your mate today and it doesn’t all kick off! Tina, hope your bro behaves himself and treats you with kindness like you deserve to be. Debbie, hope you’re having a lovely time at your daughter’s (and that she pops the heating on!) Beki, love to you and Grandad. Imagine you both at the cheeseboard about now. Neil, I’m thinking of you and hope you are lifted up with a phone call from your pal. And to Nic and everyone here I hope Christmas is being kind to you all.
Will post my xmas pics for mam now on her tribute site. She would be so heartbroken knowing that I am alone and nobody in my family cares about me (apart from my niece). I just want mam to come back and everything to be normal again. I found it really hard but still tried. I would try to do anything if she would just visit me once and I could tell her how loved she is.
I keep thinking that today is just another day. It will be over soon. Today is the hardest of all the days because of all the beautiful memories of being with mam, doing the jigsaw puzzle and not wanting to leave again. I started a new puzzle last night and will do some more after posting to her. Will pop back later.
Lots of love xxx
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and I still bare grudges that happened to my friends when they can’t even remember it 
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