Hi Suzanne,
Hadn’t realised it was my therapy today. Always get in some kind of warped time zone between xmas and New Year. Was very upset about spending xmas alone, that my family don’t give a shit (sis didn’t ring me like she said she would), and that I basically miss mam so much that all I have now is an empty void where nothing means anything, including my work because I just see the point. Went to Sainsbury’s after and got some bits including a chocolate cheesecake. Very nice of your mate to bring you a cake. I wouldn’t be able to keep it. You could take a slice out and squidge it back together, or blame it on Cal! He’ll be none the wiser! He does look cosy. Treated Porsch to some pate so she’s well chuffed.
Didn’t go swimming. Finding it really hard to get motivated again. Not achieving anything at all at the mo but did make a start on loading my pics of the xmas kisses onto mams tribute site. So will finish that tomorrow and get some work out the loft to start sewing.
Raining here and cold. Are you back at work now? Relieved it’s all over again. Just need to pick myself up again and force myself to start doing stuff again.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
Yeah the only two I got off were Xmas day and boxing da and had to take them as my normal days off cause my manager needs extra days off for personal reasons. I know he has a few unsavoury decisions to make and get he needs time off but I’m kinda getting a bit fed up of doing two peoples jobs and being paid for like half.
Totally lost with the days myself so glad you remembered about your counselling as it maybe made you feel worse to begin with but hopefully that along with the cheesecake will make you feel a bit lighter.
It’s mum’s birthday tomorrow so have the day off and am meeting one of mum’s friends for a cuppa as haven’t seen her in many months x then have a day off on Friday with nothing planned and looking forward to chilling and eating crap 
x
Better get my butt in gear or will be late for work so will check in later 
x
Hi Suzanne,
Are you sure you don’t get those days off as standard holiday and not your holiday entitlement? Sounds like he’s pulling a fast one. Tell him you need a raise if you are to continue doing the work you’re doing. If he really needs you he’ll agree. You have to think what he would do in your position. I hate people taking the piss because of their position.
Haven’t opened my cheesecake thing yet. Finished off mams xmas pud. So have that to look forward to tonight with a quiche and some onion bahji’s. Bit random but on sale. Cleared out the fridge today after getting up at dinnertime. My half arsed attempt at a swim didn’t work out. Not going to push myself. Will add content to mams tribute site as my goal for today as I added the pics yesterday. Once I got going it was ok but I’ve been avoiding doing it because I’ve been so uposet again. Comes in waves and then seems to be ok.
Been pouring down all day here but nice to stand with the door open while I was busy in the kitchen. Ordered more fleece in prep for the snow coming. Such a faff as I took it all off and used it for the bulbs as santa’s sack. Will keep all the ivy up in the house until it starts dropping off with the heating. Just feeling very lost. At least going out to work you are being productive with your day.
‘Enjoy’ (maybe’s not the right word) tomorrow for your mams birthday. It will be nice chatting about old times with her friend. Is it the same one from before? I’m sure she’ll be really looking forward to it, even if you do get upset. At least you are spending the day with someone else who loves her. You could do a lantern? Mam’s birthday is in January (19th) so that is my next big upsetting thing after New Years Eve (always hated it). Always tried thinking of different pressies for her after having got the usual xmas gifts she wanted. Will you get something for your mam?
I know you’re back at work again (you work incredibly hard!) but you can look forward to your days off. The more random they become the more special!
Off to get dressed (it’s getting later and later now getting dressed I may as well pop a tracky on for bed again). My hair is falling out so will try to lie there and enjoy having the conditioner in as a pamper.
Catch up soon and will be thinking of you tomorrow. x
Oh, the move is meant to be back on again tomorrow and haven’t heard anything else about it for getting the fish. I’ve given up reacting to it now. Seems a very odd time to move, between xmas and New Years Eve.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Got your lovely pressie today! Thank you. I love coconut products and the hand cream is certainly something I will use, and need! with all my gardening and sewing (still haven’t got that out the loft to do over winter). Love the sign. I do always look for rainbows when it rains and enjoy looking at the stars too. It’s remembering to do it when the upset starts. So difficult to see outside of that. I keep trying to maintain a perspective, not to dwell on the things I want to fix but look at the lifetime of love we shared. Feeling guilty is all part of the process, I know. I’m exhausted with beating myself up over everything I could have / should have done differently. If I didn’t have the anxiety I would have been calmer and less quick to react when my sister was always fighting with me. If I could have removed her from the equation there would have been no upset for me to always be trying to make sense of.
Hope your tooth or sinuses are feeling better. I’m coming down with a cold. Always take paracetamol when I feel a bit off to stop it getting worse. Still not dressed yet.
Hope you are enjoying your little grand daughters birthday party and have settled back in a home.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
I so glad it’s got to you at last. I had a nice time at my granddaughter’s third birthday, only just got home. Then remembered it’s bin day tomorrow so had to put my bins out and they come very early I think we are nearly first on their round.
It’s my tooth that’s causing the problem and it’s still throbbing even with ibuprofen, but have got an emergency dental appointment tomorrow, hope they can sort it for me.
I’m sorry your sister up north hasn’t phoned, I thought she might.
You will probably get back into a routine next week once new year is out the way and feel like swimming again.
I’m going to see snow white panto this Saturday, we usually go sometime over the Christmas period, then the first week of February I will watch the panto my granddaughter is in, beauty and the beast.
Before I know it, it will be back to school next Wednesday, not looking forward to it, but at least it’s my last year.
Catch up again soon
Love Debbie xx
Hiya 
It’s not the boss unfortunately that agrees to pay rises unfortunately that’s the area manager and she won’t agree to anything as I’m not in her clique as my face doesn’t fit lol x I’m not an arse licker and never have been x
No it’s a different friend of mums I’m meeting tomorrow x her daughter was mum’s first goddaughter so they have known each other like nearly 60 years…that’s crazy lol x I think it’ll be tough tbh but will get through it and may light a lantern as you suggest if the rain stays off 
x
Sorry to hear that the move seems to be on again but would wait and see incase it falls through again x
I’m going to have an early night as knackered but am looking forward to a couple of days off x
Will check in tomorrow x sleep well x
xHi Neil
It’s getting up to Thursday lunchtime so I’m thinking you are looking forward to getting to the theatre. Hope you have an enjoyable time.
It’s disappointing when plans don’t turn out as you’d expected with your mates. One good thing about it though is that at you’ll still have something to look forward to in one way.
I think the time of year is getting to us all. I read you’ve contacted the Samaritans. A chat takes yourself out of yourself for a bit, having no outlet can be pretty hard otherwise.
Don’t have to debate about Xmas decorations as I hadn’t any up but I know people don’t hang around with them these days and get them done asap. When we were kids Mum would strictly consider one day too soon or too late a catastrophe as it had to be the “twelfth night” apparently.
Anyway hope public transport to and from the Theatre isn’t much of a pain!
Much love
x
Hi Suzanne
Thank you and will hopefully post some pics Friday as it will be quite late when I get in
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hello Christine
How are you doing?
Keep a look out in the next few days for my little package. It’s nothing exciting however!
Thinking of the things that I wish I’d done/said differently are all consuming, you are very right. It’s like pouring a fabric dye into water in that it “colours” every part of your existence. I think probably more people struggle with this than actually admit so I don’t think we are alone - but I do agree with your feelings about it. I think that’s were being able to get yourself out of your own mind helps a little bit or we’d just drown. Plus, don’t go forgetting all the good you did for your Mam.
I’ve been debating since 7am whether to go for a walk but yet again weather is atrocious. Bright and windy but cold. My ideal winter weather is rainy, dull but a touch milder!
Did your Sister text? I’ve lost where you was up to. My Sister is still in Cornwall and not a clue when she’s coming back. I’ve not asked because I now work on the presumption that if someone hasn’t told you anything it’s because they either can’t or won’t divulge, so I’m definitely not ask her. She’s been away for Xmas and didn’t go to Churchyard before she went and she’ll be away probably on New Year’s Eve which was Mum’s funeral. Not very pleased about all that but what can you do.
Hope Kitty is keeping well. Can’t imagine she’s a fan of the cold!
Much love
xx
Hi Tina
It’s another evening show for me today so will hopefully post some pics on Friday as will be home quite late. Having said that the show running time is only just over a couple of hours. Hope I actually get through the show this time and not faint like last time! Totally different theatre this time and one I’ve bern to before.
Just the Xmas tree to take down tomorrow. Weekend will probably be difficult seeing the New Year in.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi all
How are we all doing?
Had a bit of a wobble day. Hormone time and just the heavy feeling of the time of year making me very teary.
Granddad and I went to the tip today with a load of excess cardboard. Saw sun rays through the clouds, then a rainbow, then a Robin in my garden when we got back. Like mum trying in overdrive to let me know I would be okay.
Got some food delivered today. Thought I was ordering a normal sized toffee cheesecake it’s actually one of their Christmas specials and feeds 14
I have never liked new year so am just going to try and wade through it. I know NYE is a tough day for you @Tina19 so will be sending big hugs
Looking forward to hearing about the show @NEILB72
Beki xx
Hi all
Your right Beki, new year is difficult, I find it takes me one year further away from my old life where I was happy and safe.
This is like being in a strange new world that will take a lot of getting used too if you know what I mean.
I’m am thankful I have all of you and we have each other to help ease the pain.
Talking of pain, it turns out it is my sinuses that causing the pain. I had an x-ray and there is not cavity or infection and by the symptoms I described to the dentist this is what it is, so taking sinutab, if it doesn’t clear in a week I got to see my GP.
I’m sure you will manage a large cheesecake with the help of grandad, Beki.
I hope you enjoy the theatre tonight Neil, looking forward to hearing all about it. As I told Christine I’m going to see snow white panto on Saturday with my daughter and family.
It’s at the Deco in Northampton, only famous person I’ve heard of is the Britain’s got talent winner, Ashleigh and Sully. Also, but not heard of these people. Colin Ridgewell from Grange Hill, Chris Wills from London’s West End, Childrens Comedian and Entertainer Mark Jones and from The Glory of The Music Hall – Fern Roach.
A hope the next few days are kind to us all
Love Debbie xx
Hi Christine
I’ve nothing nice to report so just saying Hello.
Unless there’s something wrong with my internal thermometer I’m thinking it’s rather cold.
Hope you are as ok as you can be, and Porsche of course.
Speak again soon
xx
Hi Beki and Debbie and all.
Totally agree with you Debbie. When I lost my Husband I was acutely aware of the being sad about the passage of time it was like 2 sets of grief. My Husband has been on my mind a lot recently. Also with Mum it’s the 2nd New Year but it’s like your stunned with the 1st so the ,2nd one is faced with more clarity. Clarity isn’t good for the grieving mind. I remember people saying to me it was a bad day to have a funeral but I thought, No, everyday is a bad day, NYE is no different in that respect.
Just rambling now a bit, I think if I was a drinker I’d get drink on NYE but I’d make an atrociously miserable drink so I’ll not bother,!
Hope you haven’t fainted Neil today and Christine hope you are ok.
xx
xxHi Tina,
Ah babe, you didn’t have to send anything! Can’t imagine when it will arrive because of all the strikes but I’ll keep an eye out.
Haven’t been getting out of bed until mid afternoon (after feeding Porsch early on and going back to bed). Feel so very isolated that it’s not even worth getting up. Didn’t even open my curtains today. Haunted by everything I wish I had said to mam and to have not done all the jobs so I could have just sat with her. Texted my niece and the removal van isn’t going ahead again. God knows what is going on there. I’ve told her I’ve given up trying to organise her help with getting the fish. I just give up. Texted my sis up north and she didn’t phone because she has a bad chest but has had a lovely Christmas (just to rub it in because I said I didn’t see or speak to anyone despite my other sis being literally round the corner at xmas). Dad is up there too. It seems I’m not considered at all as part of this family now. I did manage to post my pics of my decorations / shrine / trees for mams tribute site.
I really don’t understand how life can go on as normal for them all when I am still devastated about mam. It’s like they don’t give a shit! Words fail me. Like you with your sister going away, or running away from the reality of your mam’s funeral. My mam’s mother left on New Years Eve and mam hated New Year because of it. She was never open about how she felt, or showed that she was upset. It’s only now I know how devastated she would have been because she is such a loving and sensitive person. She wouldn’t have been allowed to express emotion. I have always refused to not express how I feel. I can’t hide it.
Will you do something special for your mam? Maybe’s the lanterns? Still haven’t done mine because nobody will do it with me. Niece seems to be avoiding me. Don’t know whether my sister is encouraging her to forget about me, as she has. I told her we could have gone swimming if she had said she was free and got no reply. I think I just have to let my whole family go, as if I have no family. I just can’t take the stress and rejection, feeling discarded as well as mam leaving.
It hit me again today how frightened mam must have been to have been told she had cancer and that she wouldn’t survive. It was so quick. I didn’t have proper time to say goodbye. That’s why it keeps swirling around in my head. All the things I didn’t get to say to her because nobody would leave the room. I just want to be with her, wherever she is.
Sorry Tina, I’m really not coping very well. Too much time on my own and not getting out the house for a swim or a walk. I want to get out and do something but can’t get going.
Heard on the news Vivienne Westwood died today. I am always shocked and panic because it keeps happening. It’s frightening.
Porsch is snoozing in her nest of blankets. I always wrap her up during the night to keep her safe. Hope Zoe is behaving herself! She’s such a little poppet. Loved her pic x
Still lost off with the days. Didn’t even know it was Thursday until you mentioned it. How is the bro behaving himself? I’m so glad xmas is done with now. Feels like a long time ago.
Will pop back tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hello everyone,
Really not coping well so just popping in to say hi. Looking forward to your pics Neil. Sorry babe, I didn’t even know what day it was today. Time is going so slowly. It’s such a relief to be asleep so I’m not tormented by missing mam and how alone I am without her here. I just want to tell her I love her beyond anything she could possibly imagine. I’ve known such desperation. I can’t bear to be awake but am finding it hard getting to sleep. I want things to be easier but I don’t see they can be. My hair is really falling out now. Think it’s the stress. Might have to shave my head if it doesn’t stop and wear a wig again like when I had chemo. It doesn’t even bother me.
Sure things will pick up after New Year. Hard to ignore it but I’ll try. There’s comfort in routines, daily and weekly. Sitting around waiting for nothing to happen and to not talk to another person until I see my therapist again is not living. It feels like I’m already dead, but in limbo, some kind of twilight world where I’m trapped forever. It’s the lack of compassion that I find most unbearable. My sister always said to me people who live alone die early. She’s full of advice but no love. I can’t believe how mam leaving has created this world I am in. I can’t wait to be with mam. She loves me more than I deserve.
Will pop in tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine
I kind of sensed you weren’t feeling that great. I’m really sorry to hear that is so.
Reading your post struck a chord in that my Mum too never spoke of the loss of her parents and looking back it makes me so sad. In truth though maybe it was more comfortable to them not to because of the generation they were brought up in. It may make us feel sorrowful to think about it but maybe our parents preferred it that way.
It sounds like you’ve hit a really bad place right at the moment. I think a lot of us a feeling a bit that way right now. I think we braced ourselves for Christmas, got through that and then found ourselves totally blindsided with everything once again when we let our guard down. You wouldn’t be human to not be affected. I’ve heard people describe the space between Christmas and New Year as a No Man’s Land and that is really how I see life in general at the moment. Like a twilight zone, as you mention. I recognise that very same feeling from when I lost my Husband. Kind of that I too had passed away in mind and spirit and was just waiting for it to happen physically. I think I really should be saying things to lift you up rather than talking about my experience but sometimes I think it helps to know that some other person understands how you are feeling and can empathize.
It would help if you felt secure, and thanks to your not so considerate family you aren’t able to. I see one of them mentioned about the effects of living alone on mental health so they should have some thoughts about how their lack of compassion is upsetting to you. Don’t get me started on the house-move, I wouldn’t want to disrespect your Sister but what she’s doing to you is utterly lacking in compassion. If they haven’t been like this before then yes you could put it down to grief as people do all kinds of out-of-character stuff when grieving but it shouldn’t really extend to unkindness on that level.
I won’t bore you with the details but I’ve had several bad days recently as well with him. Today we was in the sitting room watching the TV and because I was talking to Zoe he told me to get out of the room. So as I was cold I filled an hot water bottle and went to bed at around 8.30pm. Next thing I knew it was 11.00pm ish. He’d gone to bed but Zoe had not been wee’d nor fed so I had to do that for him. I went downstairs and looked at the smart meter and was shocked at the electric he’d been through with the heater on yet I had to leave the room and go to the coldest part of the house with no heating as there was no point in having full blast heating in two rooms. His attitude will change in a matter of minutes depending on what the women he has been texting at the time has said to him and I get the fallout.
Zoe’s been hard work again. A little bit scared of her as when she wants to play she takes a running jump at me and has knocked me off balance a few times and is a bit bitey with it, clenching her jaws when she didn’t used to do that. But then despite never being out for the whole of last week, she has now had another 4/5 days without being taken out. So it’s to be expected I suppose.
I’m just really lost at the minute. Don’t know who I am, don’t belong to anyone or anywhere. Piling weight on and not looking after myself. Mum would be utterly disgusted in me.
It’s gone 2am and I must try and get some elusive sleep. I hope I’ve not said anything to cause further stress or upset. You can always tell me to shut up!
Haven’t decided what to do on the 31st. Probably will go to Churchyard. We went on Christmas day as well.
Just try to keep well till the distress passes to a more manageable level
Take care
Much love xx
Hi all.
Will be having a read through your posts properly later . Just glancing through I can see a lot of mixed emotions of ups and downs which is pretty normal this time of year- I’ve been exactly the same.
Glad to get back to the theatre yesterday evening- London was heaving . Life Of Pi has to be the best West End show I’ve seen this year. Sat right at the back but if you are high up its beneficial for this show as you can see everything that goes into the spectacular puppetry used for the animals, especially Richard Parker the tiger.
As I said its a terrific show and so pleased I treated myself to it before it ends in a couple of weeks. I think its on tour round the country at some point next year.
Included some pics.
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
