Tina, your mum wouldn’t be disgusted with you, she would be concerned of how you are treated. As we all are, do you think your brother treated your mum the same I’m sure he didn’t or not in the same intensity. We’ve said this to you before you deserve a peaceful life and to be treated with respect. He has no right to use you as a servant.
You need to think about yourself and your own safety, it’s probably time you went back to the home you shared with your husband.
@christine51 the same applies to you, how can your family cut you off and treat you like they do. As a parent myself I can’t understand your dad, your purposed to love your children unconditionally as I do mine. Just one phone call or visit I wouldn’t have taken much to make you feel loved.
I feel so guilty that my family is very close and are there for each other, and that has got me though so many bad moments. Families should pull together and be united in grief, I’m so sad for you both.
Hi Tina,
I find it does help to here your thoughts. ‘No mans land’ is exactly right, having got through xmas with a sense of purpose to be left stranded emotionally on the other side. I really don’t know how you have coped losing your mam and husband, and then having to put up with your awful brother. I wonder if it would stop him in his tracks if every time he disrespected you you started screaming back at him? He’d not be expecting it and would be shocked. Give it a try and see what the effect on him is. It’s awful how he behaves. If he knows he’ll have a screaming match he might think twice. I have learned to fight back. It’s not out of character for my sister to behave the way she is with me. Manipulative, playing mind games, punishing etc. But I thought my niece would be more considerate towards me. Obviously not. It makes no sense with this move being on / off and I wonder if the whole thing is made up. I wish it was all over with. If my sister wasn’t always fighting with me (I could never understand why she did it) mam wouldn’t have endured the constant battling between us. It was a battle because I wouldn’t let her get away with it. I just wish mam could have seen through what she was doing. But my therapist said mam wouldn’t have been concerned about any of that at the end. I’m glad I insisted she went into hospital because nobody else was doing anything. I’m always the unpopular one because I won’t be quiet. But this, being ignored, I can’t fight. It’s a united front against me. I feel so alone. But this thing with the move is like picking me up and dropping me again emotionally, like one of Zoe’s toys. I just can’t take any more.
Tried doing a shop delivery for tomorrow for catfood before I run out to save going out for it but after doing a list a lot of things were unavailable (the things I actually needed). So I’ll have to get to the shop for Porsch. All I want to do is stay in bed with the curtains closed. Can’t face the creep following me again. I feel like I’ve run out of oomph to fight back.
I wish I could help you with your situation. He’s so abusive. It’s because you don’t have people around you that he can get away with it. But the neighbours must hear him shouting. I’m sure my family ignore me because they know I won’t be pushed around, however hard they try. I think they’ve stopped trying. But I don’t know why my sis up north said she’d phone and then didn’t bother. And no comments on my sis being round the corner over xmas and the kids not popping in to see me. Unkindness seems to be my punishment now mam isn’t here to see it. When mam had just left I said to my sis ‘don’t stop speaking to me again’ and that’s exactly what she has done. Suzanne summed her up well. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I have mam’s absence but also being abandoned by the family afterwards. I would move away and stop all contact if I was able to. But then I’d have to leave everything I had created, with the house and garden.
I do wonder if keeping quiet, like our parents generation, would have been the best policy because things wouldn’t have escalated to the point it is at now. But I refuse to be walked all over. I’m so tired of trying to work it all out.
Just had a thought for your mam on 31st. You could do a lantern but weight it down so it doesn’t fly off and let it burn while you ‘chat’ to your mam at the churchyard. Don’t know how long they last. Still haven’t done mine. Might have to go to the park alone like I had thought about doing, otherwise it just won’t happen.
Bit concerned about Zoe showing you aggression like that. They have a pecking order and she needs to be below you. I know my sis had a struggle with her alsation and husky in training them. That’s why I won’t have a dog. Too much hard work and commitment to taking them out every day. Little Porsch is back to her nest and snoring loudly!
Might try a swim and then go to the shop afterwards. I keep thinking about it and haven’t managed it yet. Will let you know if I do it later on.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
I think of you as a mam and it gives me a lot of comfort to imagine you with your loving family. I imagine how shocked mam would be if she could see how my dad and sister have been treating me because she isn’t here to see it. I can only imagine that dad has never liked me (we have never been close but I have always made the effort rather than exclude him) and my sister sees me as a rival rather than the supportive elder sister I have always been to her. I can only accept that this is how it is now and make an effort for myself to keep trying to get through the day. Hoping to get ready and have a swim and then gets some bits in afterwards. I’m finding being awake a real struggle now, like there’s no point in trying because it won’t change anything. My therapist doesn’t understand why I would want the turmoil of my family back in my life. I don’t either. I just don’t want to be alone. It’s like mam didn’t fit in either. We were so close before my sister started with her mind games and wanted everyone to think that she was the victim and I was the one doing all the fighting. Why would I when I have anxiety and just want a quiet life? It doesn’t make sense. Being alone is brutal when it is forced onto me. If it was a choice it would be peaceful. It’s a constant struggle and I’m so very tired of it. I’m being punished for being me. Mam loved me for being me. I love her all the more for that. I miss her so very much.
Going to get dressed x
Lots of love xxx
Just been to the market and shops as I needed some ear-drops before I get knocked down crossing the road. Mind you, the fact I can’t hear a thing in both ears does at times come in handy at times. I was looking for some drops that crackle/fizz inside the ears so hopefully all will be better soon. There were lots of older couples in town and it does make you wistful as I’d be remembering what we’d do but it doesn’t make me envious or wish I was part of a couple as you can’t recreate what has been lost and I’m not interested in having another person so I wasn’t troubled by that.
I understand you when you talk about the turmoil/trauma of having family in your life versus not. It’s like a scar that doesn’t heal. I’m sure you wouldn’t even mind about being particularly close if at least there was a meaningful line of communication between you all. It’s all so sad isn’t it.
Do you still have an up to date contact number for your Dad. Maybe ring him/your sisters on New Years Day. It’s easy to not reply to a text. Not so easy to ignore a ringing phone.
I’ll check back later. Just gonna see if I can grab a coffee before he gets back.
Hi Tina,
I managed to go for a swim but could only stay for 20 mins instead of my usual 30. Started panicking and remembering mam as she took her last breaths. I can’t get that image out of my head. So I left. I did a shop in Aldi and got Porscha some meat (great to see her doing proper poos ! after the tiny ones with her chicken) and a meal and chocky log for New Years Eve. Don’t really know why. It will be as awful as I imagine it will be. But it’s something rather than nothing.
I felt very detached again being out. It’s like going through the motions and hiding inside of myself. Still no contact from anyone. I wont be ringing any of them. I don’t have it in me. They’ve made it very clear I am not part of the family without mam and I can see now I was only barely tolerated when mam was here. But I have sent a card to mam’s oldest friend and my old auntie. I got a card this morning from one of them and realised I had their addresses (I always rang mam for addresses, birthdays, holidays etc). I gave the tribute site details for if they can manage to use the internet but I’m not sure they can. They really loved mam. Don’t know why I’m even sending them cards. Everything I do is so half hearted I wonder why I do it at all.
I hope your ears get better. Mam always did warm olive oil. It’s so painful if they are blocked with wax. Lay an old towel over your pillow if you do it at night.
You mention about being in a couple and I do wonder if it would make things easier to bear. I suppose there’s always a trade off, swapping isolation for companionship but having to then negotiate who has the remote! I like living independently. If I had more balance in my life I wouldn’t be as affected by my family as I am. I’m not needy so they can’t accuse me of that. I really don’t understand what the issue really is. I even wonder if they know themselves. But I have to let it all go and accept that I am alone. As long as I’m busy and getting through the day I feel some sense of achievement. Better than staying in bed. I got some textiles out of the loft to start sewing again. Just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. I used to like sitting overlooking the garden during the winter so will try doing that again (and be watchful of the creep because he isn’t back to work yet).
I’ll be popping a card in the post for your mam’s funeral date. Sure it will be very late. Don’t know if I did this for anyone else? My head is all over the place. I can’t remember things properly. But whatever day you go to the churchyard I hope it is restful and brother doesn’t kick off to spoil it. Tell him your mam will be watching him and sees everything he does (like a naughty child!)
I’m quite relieved to have got out the house today. Doesn’t feel real but it’s something. I seem to have lost whatever connection I had with the world. It’s the strangest feeling. Going to see what goodies I picked up because I can’t remember what I got apart from Porscha’s food.
Will pop back later. Lots of love xxx
So pleased to hear you got out for a bit. Sometimes we just don’t feel the benefit at the time but it seems to filter through afterwards and give us a bit of a lift. I do know what you mean though about feeling detached when out sometimes, it’s like being dropped in a foreign country and being wary and unsure of everything. Everything feels different.
It’s such a nice thought to send me a card but you kindly sent me a couple of cards at the beginning of the month so please don’t go to any trouble. The thought was an act of kindness in itself.
Talking about nice stuff to eat, when I was in Asda today I saw a lovely 8 portion cranberry and almond Christmas Tarte in the freezers reduced to 38p so I bought 3 and a packet of those rum flavour tiny chocolate balls. We were thrilled to bits as youngsters eating those! Come New Years Day though I’m gonna have to count the calories. I bought a Yule Log a few days ago but have eaten that already! I’ve put such a lot of weight on recently, don’t exactly know why but it’s not because I feel hungry.
Could you build up a bit of contact with your Mam’s friend/relative’s? Just thinking it might be someone to have a bit of a chat with.They must be thinking of you.
if you’ve had a card from one of them. To be honest though everything seems just 2nd best though now.
You sound like me with Porches poo. I’m forever analyzing Zoe’s and worrying of I should be taking her vet or not. May as well have had a dozen kids to look after!
Don’t know what will happen tomorrow.in many ways it doesn’t seem a long time but also it seems forever, doesn’t make sense at all. I just hope the day doesn’t end in bad feeling yet again.
I’ll say goodnight for now and hope you get some sleep
Hi Tina,
You always sum it up perfectly - tomorrow isn’t a long time but will feel like forever! I keep telling myself it’s just another day to get through and the worst of those days is already done. Doesn’t take the edge off mam not being here though. The pain is much sharper on those special days. I realised I never spent New Years Eve with my parents when I stopped living at home. I’ve always hated NYE so avoid it by staying in with rubbish tv. If I could do it over I’d go visit for the day and leave early evening to get back home (wouldn’t bother me if I wasn’t driving on my own). There’s so many things to do differently.
I hope your visit to the church yard goes smoothly. I still wish I go go somewhere to visit mam. My sister didn’t mention about doing mams ashes so it looks like dad hasn’t taken her up there with him, again. It was mams final wish to be with her parents and he she honour that. That’s how I feel. But I can also understand if he can’t let her go, though his actions don’t exactly scream that.
I do feel better for getting out today. Wondering about taking a walk round the park tomorrow, just to get out again. I got my textiles down from the loft so have those waiting for me to make a start on sewing. Just have to pick up that needle. Thought I could indulge in The Walking Dead final series to take me through NYE just so I’m not waiting for it to happen. Last year is all a blur.
I do love your bargain hunting skills! Those tarts sound scrummie. I don’t normally indulge in fancy things to eat and am usually very strict with myself. I can never keep treats for very long and always eat most of them in the first night. But I do have a xmas choc log to get through. I would have invited my niece but I’ve not heard from her about the move etc so don’t know what she’s doing. Won’t chase her now. There’s no point.
Do you have a pool near you to get into a fitness routine for the new year? I do find breaking up the day helps make it go faster. Will get back on my soups after tomorrow and cut out all the treats I’ve been indulging in.
I’m sure I’ll get a little letter or card from my auntie and mam’s friend. It will be nice having someone think about me. It was always through mam that I kept up with what was happening outside the family. Everyone is still up north. Still haven’t heard from my sis up there.
Fingers crossed your bro behaves himself tomorrow. Will pop in again tomorrow through the day. Sleep well,
Lots of love xxx
Thanks all for your welcoming replies to my post last week, was much appreciated.
I was prepared for Christmas potentially being difficult, but it has taken me by surprise all the feelings i’ve had coming up about going into the new year.
Looking at posts it seems the period after Christmas has been tricky for quite a few folk here on the forum, for many different reasons.
Sending best wishes and hoping that we feel better when getting back to some routine or perhaps beginning new ones.
Yes I am feeling it heavily today. Christmas has been okay but today has been really tough. I know consciously its just another date in the diary, an arbitary one at that but my mind cant help but wander nd my heart ache.
Popped into the co-op for some bits today. A girl I know was on the checkout and when she asked how I was doing I just started to cry. She is so sweet she just said ‘would you like a cuddle’ and she came round and gave me a big hug. Its nice to remember there are caring people out there.
Granddad is still here and we will just have a quiet evening in and watch television. Been having a Carry On marathon today!
last night started watching Murder They Hope, very funny.
What is everyone else doing this evening? Happy to keep popping in here if people want to chat.
@NEILB72 how do they do the tiger in the stage version, is it an animatronic version?
Hi Forest Cat
I cant remember whether I welcomed you to our lovely group, but would like to do so now.
Hard time for us all moving into a New Year so hope you can get through today in the best way that you can. We are all here to support each other
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Beki.
Just seen your question about Life Of Pi . All the animals are puppetry. Very hard working puppeteers and they did a fabulous job especially with the tiger.
Hope your New Years Eve goes as well as possible
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Wishing you much love and peace too. Did you go to the church yard for your mam? Hope bro is containing himself. He’s much like Zoe with her excitable energy, only his is a much darker vibe and he should have learned by now to control his outbursts. I hope he leaves you alone today. It’s like a double difficult day for you today. The pressure and sadness must be relentless. I only feel half awake, like I’m missing something. Maybe’s it’s a new coping strategy I haven’t experienced yet. How are you managing?
I got your pressie today. Can’t believe how quick it was. Thank you! Such lovely gifts, and very me! Have my candles on in every room (adore rhubarb because mam did) and have devoured the choc already. Will keep the fruits for after my meal tonight and haven’t decided yet where to hang my dream catcher. I had one years ago about my bed. It’s strange not knowing what happened to treasures collected over the years.
I got up really late as usual but have stripped and remade the bed, did the pile of dishes in the kitchen, cleaned Porscha’s litter tray and kitchen floor, fixed the camera that had stopped working, put washing on, washed my hair. Each one of these feels like a monumental task. I still have the floors to clean and redo the layers of blankets on the floor in the bedroom. My thought was to keep busy just to get through today but I have so little energy. Will have a look through my textiles and try to make a start on sewing tomorrow as my task.
Texted my niece and nephew about the move that had fallen through with the delivery van. Seems that today is ferrying bits over so they can live at the new house, leaving the old house empty until a van is organised for all the furniture. It’s such a silly thing to do. People will notice the house is empty with no light on and no one there. And no one feeding the fish that are being left behind. I have tried organising the fish over to me since the summer and my niece just will not help me. There’s nothing more I can do now. They will be gone and don’t seem to care about any of their stuff. I just can’t understand it. There’s no sense of doing anything in the normal way that things are done. Absolute chaos. I can only assume my sister doesn’t want to be on her own at the new house and won’t wait until a van is sorted out. I’m pleased I’m not involved but am very concerned about the situation, as mam would have been. This wouldn’t have happened if she were still here. So a huge blast of anxiety again in an ongoing stressful situation that I’m not even involved in. I wonder if I’ll see my niece at all now. Can’t imagine my sister wanting her to continue having any relationship with me. Very upsetting.
I really don’t know what I would do without all you lovely peeps here to keep me going. I just despair at what is happening in the family.
Will pop back again later. Can’t imagine tv is up to much this evening, never is on NYE. But it’s all I have tonight to pass the time.
Do you have anything in for tonight? I’ve got prawn cocktail, onion bhaji’s, some cheese ham bake thing (hope it will microwave) and my choc log with fruit nibbles for the evening. I was never interested in food before but now I’m concerned in every area of what mam did. It’s like I’m trying to walk in her shoes and continue the things she did.
Feeling very detached and not really connected to today.
Thinking of you Tina, with lots of love xxx
Hi Forest,
I think we have all braced ourselves for xmas and then felt very lost in the week following. All the things I used to do don’t matter to me now (mooching about, shopping in sales, visiting parents and being out and about). There’s an overwhelming sense of waiting for it to all be over. I just need it all to go away so I can refocus on just getting through an ordinary day without the extra pressure of it being a meaningful date in the calendar. I know I won’t get that phone call wishing me a Happy New Year Pet as the clock strikes 12. It’s just a massive reminder that mam isn’t here and my family don’t care about me. If only I could swap places with her so she could continue living. The only peace I get is when I am sleeping. I feel very detached as a way of coping, vacant. Until now. Posting has started the tears, as I expected it to.
I’m pleased you have popped in Forest. I’m finding it really hard so don’t have much enthusiasm.
Wishing you lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
I’m not at all surprised you burst into tears. I had to get out of the pool yesterday because I thought I would start crying and was having a panic. Just saying about how vacant I feel. Sleeping a lot and getting up late, not even opening the curtains because it’s dark by 4. I just want it to be over so I can get back to trying to get through an ordinary day. The pressure of special days is just too hard. I’m so upset again since starting to post. As the evening moves on I’ll be finding it harder as mam wont be phoning me like she would normally do. I’m pleased you aren’t on your own today. Another year looming without mam is so massive I just can’t imagine how I’ll get through it again without her. So upset again now I’ve started posting so will go and will try to pop in again but not sure I’ll be able to.
Lots of love xxx
Like us all the last couple of days have been weighing heavily but probably cause it was mum’s birthday in 29th Dec and now another year rolls round and the gap between what I had and what I have is getting wider and ‘ not entirely sure what to do with all that tbh. Sometimes I’m ok and sometimes I start to panic when I remember that she’s gone. I reckon we all probably feel the same in our own way.
I’m going to my nieces for Hogmanay but I have to not drink too much as have a tattoo appointment booked for tomorrow at 11am and don’t want to bleed everywhere lol x
I just want to thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart for being there for me throughout this odd, weird, difficult year. Not sure if you all know how much you have all come to mean to me and wanted to let you all know before I did have a drink x
Will pop on after the bells and officially welcome in the new year with my favourite group xx
Hi Neil,
I’m finding posting really upsetting. I think it’s because the evening is here and I slept through most of the day and then did household chores. How are you getting through today? Did you get something nice to eat? I don’t even know why I got food in. Just had my prawn cocktail and it’s eating just for something to do, to pass the time. Will be glad when it’s all over. I know it’s just a day but the significance of it is enormous with another year ahead without mam. The thought of all that time I will have to fill in to get me through the day is overwhelming. I miss her so much. Hope you can stay strong Neil. It’s so hard.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
I’m in floods of tears for mam again so won’t be able to stay for long and don’t know if I will be able to pop in later. I still get the panic that you describe, hitting me again that she’s not here. I’ve just realised how upset I am about mam ringing me at 12. None of us liked NYE so we all went off to bed straight after. What I would give to hear her voice just one more time. This really is torture and it will never end. Sorry I can’t be more upbeat. The more I’ve been posting the harder it is.
Looking forward to your tattoo. I think that’s a lovely thing to do for your mam. Wish I could but I would risk swelling up because of the lymph nodes being removed.
So pleased you aren’t on your own tonight. Found out earlier my niece / nephew are moving to the new house today and leaving the old house empty until another van is arranged to collect the furniture. So the anxiety and stress about that and getting the fish is back again. Feels like they will not bother with me and the little I still had left of the family will be gone forever along with mam. Feeling so alone and just want my mam to come back.
I really don’t know if I would still be here without the love and support of you all. You mean everything to me x
Lots of love xxx
x