Hi Suzanne
Thanks for the tip about not going shop and offer to do an email. I’m going to wait right to the end of the process so I won’t have to add anything extra should the need arise!!
Please tell us how you got on with the blanket. I’d heard of them and was always intrigued, so I’m quite interested.
xx
Hi Christine,
Going to check that out as sound like something I’d like so will let you know x
The thing I like about Zoom is you can turn off your camera and not be seen as I HATE seeing myself so get that totally but it was only a throw away thought and no pressure on anyone xx
Yes I like to drive and if I do say so myself I’m pretty decent at reversing and it infuriates me when I’m with my friends (male or female) and they drive into a space because they can’t reverse!! I’m like ‘I’m embarrassed for you’ 
and then you get out and they are still parked squint even driving into the space lol x
I’ve been told be many passengers that I kinda have a road rage (just rage in general I think) issue but there are so many idiots who can’t drive that it infuriates me
My friend would then start to tell the tale of when I was driving past a Scottish landscape and whilst I was driving I started to take photos of said landmark…blah blah… oh I know it was wrong and dangerous but he does go on about it and it was like 5+ years ago x
Not good at accepting help at all tbh as always found it quicker to do it myself…get the feeling you’re kinda like that 
but now I’ll ask for help if needed x
Think the basic concept of a weighted blanket is exactly what you have described x
Hi Tina,
Yup wait til Saturday and then when everything is up and correct write down a timeframe list of what was meant to happen l and how it actually did happen and also how it has inconvenienced and affected you and then let me know if you need a hand 
x
The weighted blanket is apparently quite a light one at 5kg and it weighs a tonne lol x it’s meant to be a certain weight of blanket related to how much you actually weigh…Jings I would need like a 20kg blanket if that was the case
Will keep you all update xx
Hope we are all doing ok this week
Hugs to you all xx
Hi Suzanne
Up and down as usual for me . Got Mum’s cuddly koala for Mother’s Day and he’s sitting proudly guarding her chair .The end part of the week is always better for me.
Will be in London later . I’m going to the Prince Charles Cinema ( got a lifetime membership there for only £60 and tickets only £6) to see the drama Red Rocket . They show loads of unusual stuff that other cinemas don’t. Also will pop in the National Gallery as the painting The Blue Boy has returned after being in USA for 100 years , so will be having a look before my film.
Lovely and sunny here.
Hope you are well
Best wishes
Neil x
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This is Mum’s koala which I named Keith after my Dad.
Hi Neil,
Well done for getting the koala. It would be so easy to not do anything. I will try to get daffs like I usually do. So upsetting seeing all the ads but I’ll just have to ignore it as best I can. Even though saw dad on Wed and we went to the garden centre and I got some lovely plants and compost I was suddenly very upset about mam on the evening watching tv. It came from nowhere. Maybe because of the stress of being with dad at mine, mam not going with us to get plants, mam not being at home when we got back. Even though the plants made me happy it’s such an emptiness that never gets filled. Mam would have loved the bowls of hyacinths (blue) I got in the sale. I’m just so sad she’s not here to be part of it.
Enjoy your show and the National Gallery. I know it fills up your day and you enjoy it while you are there but is it making a difference to you outside of that? I started my blog and while I’m doing it I’m concentrating so I’m not thinking of mam. But after I’ve ticked it off my list I’m back to nothing again.
On the way back from therapy today I called into the garage because my steering wheel was tight and there was gurgling in the engine. Turns out there’s no steering wheel fluid left and it could only have happened after the MOT. So I had to walk home. It’s not far but I don’t feel safe on my own and so only drive to therapy and to see dad. I’ve lived in a bubble for so long with the agoraphobia it’s very strange when I’m faced with something like this. But I did it and I’m waiting to ring them and see what is happening. Just had new coils (suspension) and spent a fortune. Its an old car but I like it. Hope it’s ok.
It’s a beautiful day here with bright sunshine. Might get into the garden again. I got 3 types of rhubarb, sweet pea, nasturtian, runner bean and mam had collected lupin seeds and I have seeds but don’t know what they are. So I’m going to sit with a cuppa in the garden and decide if I have the energy or willpower to get started.
Enjoy your film. You did well getting your membership. Makes it another thing to enjoy as well as your theatre. Would be lovely for you to enjoy it with someone else in time.
Tons of love xxx
Hi Christine
Just on my way home . Enjoyed my film and the National Gallery. I also did something I rarely do ( apart from funerals / weddings etc) . I went to church. I’ve been past St Martin- In- The Fields church on the corner of Trafalgar Sq so many times and always wanted to look inside and today I timed it to finally enter and see a free lunchtime choral performance for St Patrick’s Day. It really helped me reflect on things. I will return again hopefully soon . Not religious at all but just a nice , peaceful place to go. It’s also a lovely building and beautiful inside.
Glad you liked the koala- I shall be buying some flowers too. Still got the flowers from Mum and Dad’s anniversary from a fortnight ago - they lasted so well !
Anyway love and best wishes and speak again soon
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Keith is just the cutest 
and I know my mum would have wanted one too but like Christine I’ll be taking daffs from the garden that she planted and will be taking them to the crematorium the day before as I’m working on Mother’s Day (I always did so it’s nothing new).
I think I’ve passed that church a couple of times when I’ve been wandering about that area but have never been in either which is surprising as I love wandering around churches despite not being of any religious significance to any of my beliefs lol x however to hear the music…the acoustics must have been fantastic x
Glad you enjoyed your film…we have a few like art house cinemas up by me but I’ll be honest if it doesn’t have a lightsaber, dragon or car chase I very rarely see them but I maybe need to open my horizons a little and try something new.
Glad you had a decent day and hope the good weather continues to the weekend.
Take care and chat soon x
Hi Christine,
I can’t believe after all that hassle and expense (cause face it MOTs always cost!) that they not only left you with no steering wheel fluid but they had the cheek to make you wait for it to fixed AND walk home on your own! I am appalled on your behalf x
The choice of flowers you bought when you were with your dad sound lovely. I wouldn’t know where to start planting any of them tbh but maybe heading to the garden centre tomorrow as my friend is looking for something but knowing him it could be anything. I’m kinda nervous about going there though as it was one of Mum’s favourite places and I’ve never been there since she passed so not too sure if I want to go in all honesty…I’ll play it by ear.
Yeah I can only imagine your visit with your dad would be bittersweet but you said you’d been doing your blog again so that sounds like a positive step forward even if it’s only a teeny step.
I know it sounds like it’s been one hell of a rollercoaster weeks for you but you have amazed me how you’ve just got on with it all and dealt with…really am proud of you x
I was back at work today only to find two of my friends now are off with covid…least I can’t get the blame for infecting them lol x
What are your plans for tomorrow when you get your car back?
Look forward to seeing photos of the new flowers 
I decided I wanted a rose called ‘bring me sunshine’ as mum was a great Eric Morcambe fan but they are out of stock 
so will have to wait.
Anyway chat soon and sleep well x
The wee face on Keith just makes me smile 
x
Hi Neil,
I’m so pleased you enjoyed your film. And going into the church was a wonderful thing to do. It is a beautiful place in which to reflect on your thoughts or just be still. When I had breast cancer the first time I was treated at UCL and every radiotherapy I had (daily) I sat in the chapel in the hospital and was alone with my thoughts, not even really thinking but just sitting peacefully and admiring the beauty of the architecture set against the candlelight. I went once after mam’s service, thinking it might help me reach her but I felt nothing. I haven’t gone again. I miss her so much. I got very upset today thinking of her. I would give everything I am just to go back to sit with her on the old swing chair in the summer with a cup of tea and tell her how loved she is. It haunts me that I never told her. I miss her so much.
Your flowers lasted well for your mam and dad’s anniversary. You could press a selection of them by flattening them out and place them between white paper or in an envelope and weight down with heavy books. Crafts shops do effective flower presses which tighten with wing nuts. You could create an album of special celebrations. You are so loving Neil. Your parents are lucky to have such a lovely son. They will be smiling thinking of you, wherever they are. I read there is no age or time in Heaven and we meet up with all the people we have loved, including our pets. I hope it is true. I’m waiting to meet mam again. I hope she is happy and peaceful and filled with love. I feel so unhappy without her.
I had my therapy today and thought I’d pop into the garage again because my steering wheel was tight and it wasn’t before the mot. I had to leave it with them and walk home. Waiting to see if I need a steering rack. Already paid a fortune on the mot and coils 2 days ago. But it is an old car. Dad will speak to the garage to sort it out. Its such a hassle having to look for another car. Hope it can be fixed.
Love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
I don’t know why but I’m so upset again about mam and not knowing what is happening with my car doesn’t even bother me. I hope it can be fixed but I need a new steering rack so don’t know how much that will be. It’s like I have no energy left to be anxious about it. It would normally freak me out not having my car. All I can think about is wanting to be with mam. Getting the flowers and doing my blog allows me to be present for a short time before I return to that feeling of waiting and knowing that what I’m waiting for will never happen.
It will be hard for you to go to the garden centre if your mam enjoyed it but you’ll maybe feel her presence there, see and hear her as you go round. I can and hear mam now. I miss her so much. I wish I could have taken her place. I thought I was feeling a bit better but I’m back to where I was.
I like your ‘bring me sunshine’ choice. I drove me mad watching that when I was young, just not my kind of humour. Gardeners World started Friday last week and it makes me think of mam. I’m determined to do things each week so I’d bought seeds for sweet peas and nasturtians. I was always too late planting stuff because I was so busy and mam would keep me informed about what I could still catch up on. I couldn’t go in the garden to plant them though. Dad said he can’t watch it because it was mams favourite programme. He forgets she’s not there and will start chatting to her and look round when she doesn’t answer.
I’m glad you’re back to work. Hope you’re feeling rested.
Love xxx
Thinking of you Tina with love xxx
Hello Christine and Neil and Suzanne.
Thinking of you all but I’m really not very well emotionally so can’t post. I will just add Christine that the “waiting” you speak about and being “haunted” are major factors that are troubling me and I’m spending hours ruminating over things. Feel like I’ve had to stop mentally “running”, there is nowhere left to go and I’m struggling with my emotions as a result. I don’t want to dump all that on you all, it’s not fair when you are making progress. So even if I can’t post or reply, Im thinking of you all xx
Hi Suzanne
St Martin’s in the Fields is a beautiful church. I too have been past there many times , usually on my way to the National Gallery or theatre and never been inside . I saw that they have free music events/ concerts lunchtimes weekdays and really pleased I went. It’s on the corner of Trafalgar Sq.
Had a bonus last night as West Ham recorded one of their greatest wins beating a top Spanish team in the Europa League.
Hope your Friday goes well
Best wishes
Neil x
He’s so cute isn’t he 
Hi Tina
Absolutely fully understand and that is quite natural. I have days where I really think I’m making progress and then days where I seem to hit a wall of sadness. Please know we are all here for you.
Hope you have a better day today
Sending my best wishes
Neil x
