Having a quiet evening at home, my daughter did invite me to her friends house for the evening, I did go last year, but this year I just wanted to be home with my memories. Not feeling very sociable.
I’ve spent the evening updating next year’s diary transferring all the birthdays, appointments, school holidays etc.
2023 is going to be a bitter sweet year, my last year working, 193 school days to go, but sad it’s taking me another year further away from Doug.
I woke this morning and forgot for a split second he wasn’t in bed next to me, he’s been on my mind alot today.
I’ve been to the pantomime with my daughter and family this afternoon, it just reminded me of the last time Doug came with us.
And now happily munching on chocolates watching the last leg and have a snowball to toast my lovely husband, Doug.
Forever in my heart.
I didn’t know if you would be upto dropping by this evening so I’m pleased you’ve been able to.
You have done loads today. I would need to have a lie-down just thinking about it all. No we didn’t go to Churchyard. My Sister went but only because age was away for Christmas when we went. It would have been appropriate abd nice to have gone but he didn’t want to. My Sister offered to take me but didn’t want to cause any discord so just said it was OK and will go another time. Today has been what I call a “blank” day. Don’t know how best to describe what I mean but I’ve had a few of them. Kind of “zoned-out” or zombified.
Just been thinking of traditions, old saying’s etc that Mum and any older person would know really but how they are going to be extinct. How many people would know what a “first footer” is now. So I get what you mean about walking in your Mum’s shoes etc. I think we all do the same things as each other. Maybe not at the sane time but it’s probably another type of coping strategy.
He’s just gone out now so he’ll not be back for midnight. He went out last NYE and it was on the same day as the service as I remember hearing the fireworks. At least though I’ll be able to straighten around a bit.
Done nothing today myself that’s productive. Other than cooking and cleaning that is. An hour or so ago I got out this latch rug kit and started it. Oh my goodness how tricky it is. It’s not a canvas like my Sister has its a wide mesh so no printed pattern to follow.
Everything feels a bit soul-less and hollow at the moment. Sounds like we have all had it tough over these few days. Last year we’d have been numbed as everything was so raw.
Gotta to sign off quick as Zoe’s upto no good by the sound of it. I’ll try and pop back later.
May the old year be well and truly behind us all along with some of the heartbreak and sadness and that the new year bring us some easier times and fond memories to be had x
Our mums and Doug are forever with us
Hello all,
Happy New Year everyone. Fireworks are banging and the house phone has just rang and I can’t answer it because I just want it to be mam. I was ok up until now, watching Motherland reruns and pretending tonight wasn’t happening. I just want her to come back. I’ll do anything. Just to see her again, to hear her voice, to wish her happiness wherever she is.
Wishing you all love as we go into another year. Debbie, you could look at this as another year closer to joining Doug rather than being further away from him. But I totally understand the bittersweet thing of your retirement. Fireworks are still pounding all around. I just want it to stop. It doesn’t make any sense that mam isn’t here to join in.
Love to you all xxx
Hope everyone is ok. As ok as can be. Somehow we got to the end of New Years Eve in one piece. Let’s just hope New Years Day can go a bit easier on us all x
@christine51 can you do 1471 to find out who it was so you can return the call when you feel more able. As Tina says, lovely to know someone was thinking by of you.
Good morning everyone and wishing you all a Happy and Healthy New Year 2023.
We have somehow made it through 2022 and sometimes I look back over the year and say to myself ’ how on earth did I manage to get through without my Mum’. Time has gone incredibly fast.
One of the main reasons how I have made it through this far is the wonderful friendships and support I have found on this forum from you amazing lovely people. We just all ‘get it’ don’t we when so many so called friends and family dont as they have never been faced with what we have in losing our loved ones.
I will be still taking those small steps and taking each day at a time , accepting I will still have bad days but trying to reach an acceptance .
We will all carry on this journey together .
Thank you all so much once again for your friendship and your support . It really means so much to me that you are all there.
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
Yes we made it! And like you say now is the time to remember to take one step at a time, one moment and not be overwhelmed. I can’t help but think the start of a new year feels like being at the foot of a mountain. My mind is blowing up with I must do this and that, and all without Mum, and face this and that…I need a little Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder, tapping me and reminding me to calm down.
One thing I did learn last night - no-one can tell the time around here. Fireworks going off at all odd times!
To echo Neil. Thank you all for you love and support, long may it continue and long may we celebrate all ours wins however small.
Hello all,
Don’t know whether I’ve already posted this morn but wanted to check in and thank you all for your love and friendship. It’s such a relief that last night is over and I’ve already made a start with small jobs - clean bird feeding tables and hangers (no small task!) and refeed birds and top up pond. I’ve aired the house with windows open until I noticed the creep came straight back so I had to close the blinds again. He must have a radar on my movements. But it didn’t stop me getting in the garden (came in when his mate came out with the dogs).
It was my sister up north who left a message last night at 12. I couldn’t phone back. Just wanted it to be mam. And she was really happy, enjoying herself. I didn’t want to spoil it for her and couldn’t pretend I wasn’t sobbing for mam. Didn’t hear from anyone else, not even my niece or nephew. Sent texts this morn and asked niece if she wanted to start swimming this week but no reply. She ignores me when I ask if she wants to meet up. So I will have to stop texting her now. I must look like a desperate mug. My sisters mate had spent New Year over at the new house and I can only imagine the pressure my niece is under to not have contact with me.
I’ve booked 2 swims (Mon and Tues) as not open today and I will make a start on sewing textiles, or plan what I will do (choose threads etc). I am determined to get up with the alarm and make an early start to each day. Otherwise I will not be able to get through the days that are looming large ahead of me. I have a full page per day diary to fill so will break up the days with household chores, swims, walks in the park and sewing. All of this will be hard to start and then hard to keep up but I can’t face waiting for each day to pass because the time is so slow and can only sleep so long without my sleep pattern going awry.
Been updating my new diary so I don’t forget birthdays etc. There’s a sense now of moving forward and having to be self reliant without mam. She feels so far away from me again. It’s like I’ve accepted defeat, knowing I can’t do anything about this awful situation. My biggest dread now is that my therapist will die and leave me to face the world without any guidance or reasoning for my worries and being frightened that mam isn’t here and that I am no longer a part of the family I took for granted. They all know I am sitting here day after day not able to go out into the world and they don’t care. I cannot understand that level of cruelty. But this is my life now. Sorry to not be uplifting. I just don’t have it in me. I still just want it all to end so I don’t have to face the years ahead. I keep think if only I could drown when I am swimming, have a fatal collision when I am out, be stabbed to death if I go for a walk in the park / woods. I just can’t see a future without mam. Maybe the creep will break in again and finish me off.
Very quiet here. Fireworks were blasted at random times last night but no celebrations for today. I remember mam lighting lanterns one New Years Day at the old house when the children were little. We watched them disappear. It was such a calming and beautiful experience. The children were mesmerised. I’m still waiting to do mine. Anyone else done theirs? It’s very hit and miss with the rain. Stopped today but more forecast. Might take one to my therapy and do it in the garden.
Hope everyone is taking things slowly and easing into a new year. Going to try to achieve something each day so I don’t feel so useless.
Lots of love to you all xxx
As a few of us have already said before looking to the new year with fear and worry can we all look at how far we have come in the last year and know that our loved ones would be so proud of us all.
I know one of my mum’s greatest fears was that I wouldn’t cope on my own and for the first few months I feared she was correct however for as many people I have lost or they have distanced themselves from me I have now come to the realisation that that is on them and not me and has my life actually changed because of it the answer is actually no. I just don’t need to deal with their drama and self centredness….the reason I say all this is because I want to let you al know I most certainly won’t be as far along as I more often feel without the support from you all.
As Neil and I think Beki said we know bad days/times will come but because we all know each other better we are aware of trigger days/dates so can be there and help prepare support for them.
Back to work tomorrow unfortunately but god forbid they can’t buy a dog treat on the 2nd of Jan esp as it’s an official Scottish bank holiday lol x
Got my tattoo finished today and couldn’t be happier with it x represents myself rising from the ashes of loss and despair and the lotus is new beginnings x all done in mum’s favourite colours….hurts like a bitch x
Yesterday was a disaster for me as I flooded the kitchen and most of big carpeted hallway with a full washing cycle load of water. (I’d forgotten to take the plug out of the sink before I set the washer going. Only noticed after the cycle as I’d gone to tidy elsewhere. I should have stayed in bed!
I Can see that despite your upset you’ve been able to set some plans up and have been busy doing things. Thet was a positive start, I’d be pleased if I were you that I’d managed to do something. Today I’ve done some more washing and I’m in the process of straightening up whilst he’s at work and the canine terrorist is asleep.
The sun seems to be out as well today, it’s really bright but believe the cold and icy weather is about to return tonight - I never thought it had left but I’m always cold!
Glad your Sister made contact, shows she was thinking of you. Don’t know what to say about the other one. I think you said she has a partner, I don’t know how he manages her unless they are same temperaments.
I hope you get to swim today and if you see anything nice on your travels you should treat yourself. My counsellor used to say I had to do an act of self-care everyday but I’m not really very good at it.
Let’s hope this New Year brings us all a bit of peace, serenity and joy. At least we know we are amongst friends here.
Looks nice and bright out there today, I hope you are feeling well and have some nice plans.
Hope the year brings us all a bit of serenity and peacefulness and like I mentioned to Christine, we are all amongst friends. I feel privileged for knowing you all.
x
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