Hi Christine
Just so good to get out. Culture, whether it’s going to the theatre , cinema, art gallery is good for anxiety , mental health and good for the soul. Obviously I come back to an empty flat and cant tell Mum about it.
Sunny here again this morning
Sending my best wishes and if you’re having a bad day we are here for you
Neil x
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Tina,
Good or bad we are all here for you so don’t be thinking you’re ‘dumping’ stuff on us…friends are here for everything 
x
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Hi Tina,
I know the place you are in and you will eventually come through it again, as I did, and it will take however long it takes. Even though I thought I’d made some progress I’m back to being very tearful about mam again. Nothing has particularly happened to set me off. I just really really miss her.
You might have read that I got my mot done 2 days ago (nearly 400) and on the way back from therapy my steering wheel was very tight (power steering) so I took it straight to the garage and I now have to have a whole new rack because it’s leaking fluid. There was an advisory about an oil leak in the mot but if it had failed on that and the suspension I would have binned the car and got scrap value for another run around. I do like this car and it saves me from finding a new one but its so annoying. Dad is sorting it out. Might have to cancel therapy again next week as they have to order the part in. I’m too upset about mam to be anxious about it. It’s like I only have so much emotion to be overwhelmed by and I’m drowning in wanting mam at the mo.
I think having to go back to your old house and face old memories has really set you back because you hadn’t been back for such a long time. Did you get the fencing sorted in the end? I can’t always keep track of the posts. I’m going to try to sort my compost for the seeds I bought the other day and do the rhubarb (mam loved rhubarb and would eat it raw dipped in sugar). It’s a glorious day here. I might even get the cushions down from the loft when I sit out.
All of the things I do is very half hearted and empty when I’m doing it. Means very little without her. It’s like living in a vast emptiness. Please don’t think we’re ‘moving on’ without you. Just getting out of bed and making a drink counts. You really did amazing to go over to the house. Your mam and husband would be so proud of you. I miss telling mam about my car. Dad is very practical and I am on one level. But on another I just want to sit with mam and be consoled.
Keep posting because we’re all here for you. I’ll post some pics of my new plants and seeds so you can see what I’m doing around the patio. It’s full of hyacinths which I love and always bought for mam and myself in the run up to xmas. My memory tree is still doing well. Its amazing that a bucket of water is all it needs to live.
Tons of love xxx
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To Christine, Neil and Suzanne.
Thanks to you all for your kindness.
I can’t really remember whose story I read last before having a bit mental malfunction. Still don’t feel well but at this rate I’m going to end up hiding away from everything and everyone. I remember seeing your cute soft-toy Neil by the way. That’s a lovely little thing.
My Brother drove me to Blackpool today to see to the fencing. They took the ones back that were wrongly delivered last time and gave me my new ones. But then he said there was only 3 panels, not four, as one was broken and they’d no more in stock so that’s more money in either petrol or train fare as I’ll have to go yet again now. I’m starting to bore even myself with this Saga now so hopefully this Wednesday will see the end of it. Whilst I was tidying the garden I heard a noise and turned around to see the guy from the next door coming into my garden with his step ladders to get access to part of his garden wall from my side. And what did I do? Hid round the wall near the back door while he did what he had to do. He’s not a bad person but I just saw red. I seem to be getting quite angry a lot.
I read about your car I think. I think you’d said you’d had to walk your way home too. Knowing you said you had agoraphobia that must have been a challenge, good on you. I’m getting very fearful of going out these days. Glad your Dad is helping and it sounds like it’s bringing you closer together.
You are probably right about the triggers Christine. I think as well it’s the warmer weather as Mum loved it and now I turn to her spot and it’s empty and I just feel so utterly soul-less, devoid of spirit. I will stop there.
Hope you enjoy some relaxing time in the garden today. Neil, hope you are doing OK too and have a few more theatre trips pencilled in your diary. I read about your Church visit, that sounded wonderful, so calming and therapeutic. I do admire you for pushing forward with your theatre trips and days out. It is all too easy to stop going out.
Suzanne hope you are doing well since being back at work. I spent some time with my 10year old nephew on Sunday last week and he tested positive 3 days later so don’t know if I was close enough to be infected.
Hope all three of you have a stress free day.
Much love
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Zoe on the beach at Blackpool. She’s an 8 month old German shepherd/Siberian husky cross. I didn’t go to beach. I stayed waiting for Wickes so it kept Zoe occupied for a bit.
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Hi Tina
Nice to hear from you. Lovely photo of Zoe - she’s beautiful. Perfectly understandable when you talk about your mindset at the moment. To be honest mine is not that great this morning and had a weepy moment just now.
Had a mental block Friday morning as I had so much on my mind I forgot to take my cash from the Barclays ATM after getting a statement which I was too engrossed in . Just got outside and realised . Thankfully no one else got to the machine . I didnt know they only give you a few seconds before it takes it back again so I went to the cashier and she said it should automatically be credited back into my account on Monday . Worrying that I’ve never done that before as I never made a mistake like that before so that caused my anxiety to soar again.
Thankfully I had a couple of visitors on Friday which is very unusual for me and I phoned Samaritans yesterday as talking keeps me sane .
Sending my best wishes to you and hope you have a better week next week. Glad you liked the cuddly koala!
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
I’m so pleased to hear from you especially because you are feeling so low at the mo. Even though I’ve been in the garden doing jobs and feeling like I’ve achieved something and enjoyed it while I was doing it I’ve still found myself bursting out crying for mam and I don’t even know where it has come from because there was no build up. I think because you have had to go back several times now to sort the fencing (unbelievable) it has become a negative and stressful experience on top of the trauma of being forced to go back after staying away for so long and there is only so much you can cope with before it gets too much to bear. And hiding round the corner is exactly what I would have done. I think possibly your neighbour needed access and thought you weren’t there so just did what he had to. Doesn’t make it right. I do think though you should put in a very strong complaint and claim for every trip you have had to make. And if the panel doesn’t arrive Wed cancel the lot and try B&Q. That would drive anybody to despair! You are already feeling very fragile and you have coped amazingly well to do what you have. Once the fence is done you can put it behind you (and never order from them again). The positive in all of this is the travelling. Look at that as an achievement. Has the fear of going there diluted with each trip? I know that will be hard to see given the stress of the situation. But you know that you can do the journey and maybe future trips can be something nice in comparison. Maybe a picnic on the beach next time.
Zoe looks so happy to be by the seaside. Was it her first escapade? I bet she didn’t want to leave.She is so beautiful. My sister had both a German shepherd and a husky at different times. Both beautiful by nature, though a handful. I’m so pleased your brother went with you. I’m glad he’s supporting you. It has been quite easy to be with dad if we avoid subjects to make him angry. He’s not a complex creature so it helps my anxiety to know he is direct in what he wants to do or to achieve with trips to the garden centre. I was very annoyed that my mot was expensive (nearly 400) and then the steering rack gave out 2 days later so I’ll have another big bill but the garage managed to get a cheaper part so it’s worth keeping this car for another year. It makes me panic about dad not being here like mam. I don’t know how I would get another car on my own. I would become totally housebound without one. Walking back from the garage wasn’t as bad as I feared because I had to do it one time before. The thought of doing it and the anticipation is far worse than the experience itself. I texted my other sister as I walked but still haven’t got a reply.
Fingers crossed you don’t have covid. I must be the only person wearing a mask when I go out. I’m so pleased Suzanne is recovered now and back to work. And Neil is getting out enjoying his cinema and theatre. I think the garden is my push to move forward but it doesn’t feel like that. There’s a sense of purpose and achievement while I’m busy and I get a good nights sleep but it doesn’t feel ‘normal’. I don’t think I will ever return to the normal I had before mam. It’s like there’s something missing. And I have to not picture her with me (really hard to do because gardening was how she spent her time) because I’ll start crying in the garden. I was afraid to go out there at first because it represented mam and it was too hard. But baby steps and sunshine have given me a sense of freedom I suppose. Being busy helps get through the day. I too see your mam in the sunny spot. It becomes bigger the more you think of it. Try to move through that and into the garden, even for a cuppa to create a new space in which to sit. You could then start thinking of plants to bring colour and new life into your world. It has really helped me to get out of bed and have purpose. Mam is always with me. I would still rather be with her now where she is than here. And it feels too long to have to wait to see her again. It is like filling in time until I can be with her again.
I’m hoping to have my car back Monday so I can get to my therapy. If nothing else it makes me keep track of what day it is.
I’ll get some pics today of my garden to let you all see what I’ve been doing. The creep has gone out (heard his van) so I’m hoping he doesn’t return.
I’ll be thinking about you, knowing how fragile you are feeling. I know that place you are in. Just know that you are not alone.
Tons of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
The thing at the cash machine happened to me once, but I was the person presented with the money. I was in shock, staring at the cash and frozen because I didn’t quite know what was happening. I think a lot of people would react the same. Also, the bank could trace the next customer who used the cash machine if the money was taken. It’s a reality check of where you are at in life. Think of it as your parents looking out for you. I believe they watch over us, like a guardian angel. I too have been very upset about mam, despite getting out into the garden. I’ve done a lot recently but it hasn’t stopped me bursting out crying for her. I don’t think that feeling will ever leave me. I love her too much to let her go and not be desperately upset that she isn’t here. I want to tell her what I’ve been doing. I’ll post my pics later on today.
Have a good Sunday. Think I’ve just heard the creep so won’t be able to go out if he is at home because he watches me. So I’ll have to clean the dreaded fishtank instead. Takes at least 2 hours and lots of trips emptying the water into buckets into the bath so quite a workout. Then the floors and bathroom to clean afterwards. I hate housework!
Much love xxx
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Hello to Suzanne. Hope you’re making the most of your day. Will post pics of my jobs in the garden yesterday. Just heard the creep is back so I won’t be able to go out there today. Really quite annoyed. Glad you’re over the covid. Looking forward to catching up.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Such a shame about the creep especially now as you have enough going round in your head. Having one of them mornings where little things start me off crying. Just mentioning on the radio about the 4th Covid jabs for over 75s started me off as I would have taken Mum for hers. Kept her safe for all those months , never caught the virus and got something else instead . I just have some days with it all going round in my head and I say out loud " what has happened to us Mum? " and get an overwhelming sense of sadness. Getting more better days all the time but all of a sudden it just hits me.
Regarding the cash machine , I must have had a sort of mental block. Next Sunday will be so difficult for us all on here but I’m still taking things one day at a time so not thinking about it too much yet .
Another sunny day here
Hope your Sunday goes OK and can bring you some peace
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I’m so sorry you’re having a down day. I burst out crying for no reason. No build up, nothing to start me off. Just hit me. Maybe being busy in the garden was it because mam would be out having a tidy up or just enjoying the Spring flowers. I miss your gentle ways, her quietness. I don’t have that. She was a very gentle soul and I miss her. It’s just not fair that we are left behind when we lose the ones we love most in life. The sadness is everywhere, in everything we do. You’re lucky you can escape for just a short time with your theatre and cinema. I really feel for Tina, especially after the whole fence fiasco. That’s exactly what she didn’t need. Hard enough to have to go over to deal with the situation and then to be messed around. I hope your day has improved a little since you posted. Do you ever go for walks to enjoy a park or the woods? I would have to drive and then wouldn’t feel safe being on my own. But the thought is there to do it which is better than dismissing it. I think the sunshine helps too, though it is rather nippy today.
I’m stuck in my bedroom, having drawn the bamboo blinds to stop the creep seeing in. I heard him behind the fence next to where I was sitting in the sitting room so I had to move. He’s cutting his lawn (I can at least hear what he’s doing) so I can’t go out there. I hate that he can see what I’ve been doing in my garden. The hedge and trees between the garden was really thick until he started cutting it back so it’s mostly twigs now (so he can see through it). I wanted to keep the tree at the boundary line. If I put a fence at my side he will remove the trees. I can’t put it on his side. So I just can’t go out there. I’m dreading his retirement when he’ll be at home. And because he’s mates with the woman on the other side of him he can discredit whatever he had done to me. There was no reaction when I told her what he had done so she either already knows or doesn’t believe me. Why would anyone make this up? The council believe me but did nothing. The police wouldn’t help me. I wish I’d got up in the loft when he was drilling out the wall because I would then have proof and would have called the police. It’s horrendous living next to him when he has freedom and I don’t because of his behaviour towards me. I’ve noticed since I left the sitting room and gone to the bedroom he has stopped mowing and is faffing about at his van. He does this, presumably to see what I’m doing. I’ve had to leave the fishtank today because I’d have to have the window open for the hose to refill it.
I was avoiding knowing when Mothers Day is but I’m glad I know now so I can plan to get some daffs for mam. One year I bought so many I had to store them in a bucket. Oh, I forgot to tell you, my climbing roses came yesterday. 3 for me and 3 for dad. Bare root so not very exciting yet but they won’t take long to get going. They celebrate her life, birthday and Mothers Day. It is only in death that I have given real thought to how much I truly love her. I always spoilt her with gifts but it’s the everyday that is most precious. To just sit in silence with her would be an honour (and that is something given that I’m barely able to contain myself by nature). I’m having a really sad day and didn’t even know it. All I can think about is mam because I can’t distract myself with the jobs I had lined up. I have my memory tags to hang but would need to go in the sitting room for that (to hang over the fireplace). I just have no energy or enthusiasm for anything today.
Hope we can can get through the day as best we can. I’m so glad time doesn’t stand still. That would be torture the way I’m feeling now.
Take care, with much love, Christine x
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Hi Christine
I try and get out every day if I can but on some days I just lack enthusiasm to do anything. I cant help but go back to what things were like a year ago and there was no way you could predict what would happen months later.
What I cant get used to is the lack of routine. The lack of purpose . Hopefully the counselling with Cruse next month will help me to get my head round everything and to find some way of moving forward.
One thing to look forward to later is Tottenham v West Ham in the big London derby.
Hope next week starts off on a positive note for us all
Best wishes
Neil x
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If only we could have foreseen what we endure now, we could have made our time more precious. My therapist says that reality is not perfecting our relationships because it isn’t a natural state of behaviour. We do take each other for granted and fall out because we don’t see an end stage. I regret every time I didn’t see her (because of my anxiety) or answer the phone or be more loving. I love her deeply and feel like I didn’t express it enough. It will haunt me forever. I wish her life had been perfect.
The lack of purpose has destroyed the drive I had to achieve, whether it is creating my artwork or garden or tackling my agoraphobia by going out. It’s great that you try to go out every day. I used to try to achieve a balance between inside and out but don’t even try now. I don’t care that I’m isolated at home alone. The thing I want most I cannot have (mam) and anything else is discounted.
I’m pleased you enjoy your football. I’ve never been into it. You actually have a lot going on and that will help you to cope. Your counselling will help you understand in order to move forward. You can only do what you can when you are ready. Every small step is an achievement. I still want to crawl into the coffin with her and go to sleep forever. It must be so frightening knowing you have reached your end and have to leave everyone behind. I hope the after life is all we hope it is, for their sake. I don’t want mam to be unhappy or alone. Sorry, I’m not having a great day. Think I’m exhausted after yesterday and because the creep is at home.
Enjoy the game. Hope you win!
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Hi Neil
Sorry to hear you’ve had a few wobbly moments. I think mental block is fairly common from what I read. People do all sorts so don’t be alarmed on that score. I’d been particularly anxious one day and was using a self scan at Poundland and instead of putting my items in my own bag I put them in a basket someone had left at the checking out side of the till and then picked up the basket with my stuff in and walked out of the shop. Only noticed when I was outside. I really dislike using self scan as I always feel under pressure.
Went to Asda today and bought a sandwich maker, a bit of a weird impulse buy but there’s worse things to spend money on I guess.
All the best x
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We lost but there you go . Can’t win them all !
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Hi Tina
I only hope that I can get the money recruited to my account. The cashier said it would be. Never done that before but I’ve never been in this situation before either !
Had a quiet day today . Still taking things one day at a time otherwise my anxiety would start up again
Hoping that we all have a good week leading up to a difficult day for us next Sunday. Trying not to think about it too much
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hello Christine
Thanks so much for your post and words of support. I decided to read your later posts before replying as so much can change in how people feel from post to post.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had some sad periods. Maybe the change of seasons is having a strange effect as the mind starts to make associations as you say. I feel I may be worse when the clocks change as that will bring more challenges I’m sure. I always get more anxious when there’s more people around and really do dislike going out amongst things. I did go to Asda today as a necessity and bought a sandwich maker on impulse. I was telling Neil that I hadn’t got a clue why but £10.00 on offer isn’t a major issue, I have spent the same on worse.
When I go back to my married “home” I don’t spend any time in the house itself otherwise it would probably get to me even more. I go in the living room though and there are lots of pictures of Mum and my Husband and it really does feel like someone else’s Iife. The dust that covers the surfaces is reminiscent of those very old houses you see in period dramas where people no longer live in them and time has stopped. As you can tell I’m still not thinking really straight. I think I’ll lose the remaining shrubs this year as they are in containers and they can’t get water. What I may do is take them out pots and sit them on a soil bed, it might help. The garden was overflowing with shrubs and plants and almost everyone has gone now.
I’m sorry you are having trouble with your car, there’s not much more of an expense than a car is there, it’s just never ending when it starts. I don’t drive but what with running costs as well I can imagine what a financial weight they can be.
I’d love to see pictures of your garden and I’m so glad you got the roses chosen. We have 6 beautiful roses here. 4 climbing and 2 others, so vivid but they aren’t fragrant. We do have wild roses covering one side of the house and the thorns on them are lethal. My Brother doesn’t want any roses or plants but I have to keep hoping he forgets he doesn’t like them. It would be such a shame if he got rid of them. I was looking out of the window today and I saw these three fluttery birds circling the trees. They were yellow/blue/grey/green with white/black markings. They didn’t half look strange. I also saw the first bee.
I hope you feel less distressed than before. Sometimes you can feel things coming on and other times they just descend on you and seem as though they colour every part of your very existence. I know you are worried about thoughts of taking your Mam for granted, I don’t think there are many that don’t think the same but its not true. We just take it for granted that there’ll never come a time when we don’t have them in our life and that’s a big difference. There’s nothing for you to feel bad about.
Hope you get a good night’s sleep.
Much love xx
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Goodness me I’ve just read my post back and it barely reads right. I don’t think my brain is in gear at all ! x
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Hiya all 
Lovely to hear from you all x I’ve had a couple of long days at work so have been pretty busy which has helped me focus and tomorrow I’m away to a concert at night so should be good but I’ll be wearing my mask all the time as not taking a chance of getting it again…the amount of people I know just now that are self isolating is just mental!
So stay safe all
@Tina19…I just can’t believe Wickes and their cock-ups…absolutely unacceptable on so many levels and agree with Christine that a strong complaint is definitely needed as the amount of stress and distress this has caused you should be flagged up to them. Pleased your brother took you and Zoe looks adorable at the beach but that’s not the point.
And I reckon your neighbour just didn’t actually think before he came into your garden and if he did probably thought it was no big deal but I’m like you I would have been raging at the presumption that it would be ok to do that but I don’t think I would have been able to shut my mouth lol but you did so well to avoid an unnecessary confrontation and probably would have just caused yourself extra stress so you did the right thing but avoiding him not hiding x
You may feel confident or happy just now but you have made such big step forward you should feel as proud of yourself as we are of you x
@christine51…can’t believe the garage is even trying to charge you for doing something that should have picked up at your MOT…could they not have even given you a courtesy car for a couple of days? Fingers crossed you’ll get your car back tomorrow 
I’ve been looking a bare root rose plants but the one I want is still out of stock but have been looking at Malvern roses as an alternative. Meant to ask where did you get your roses from again as can’t remember but thought I’d have a look there too?
Pleased to read you are getting to spend time with your dad even if you are having to censor the topics and hopefully over time this may change but meanwhile hope your are able to enjoy just spending time with him and sorry to read that your sister still hadn’t replied.
@NEILB72…I agree that although leaving the money can cause anxiety especially if you’ve never done it before but brain fog seems to be common during grieving so although it’s distressing I would try not focus too much on it and it will go back into your account and I reckon someone was watching over you making sure your money was safe 
Sorry your team lost 
What are your plans for this week? Are you heading to another show or musical recital this week?
I agree with you all as dreading next week and the constant reminder in every shop you go into takes my breath away and need to try stop myself getting down again (or at least until I’m on my own) x my friend wants to go up to the crematorium where both our mums are and I agreed but now not too sure so will play it by ear x
I just feel blessed (if that’s the right word) to have you all to talk to about anything x
Love to you all
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