It reads perfect…don’t fuss or worry about anything here as always here for you x
Enjoy your concert Suzanne. Yes, I’m astounded too at just how many COVID cases there’s been recently. It’s been a week today since I was in contact with my 10yr nephew that tested positive on Wednesday so I don’t yet know if I dodged that. I used to do work for a company as a mystery shopper and have “mystery shopped” at this Wickes at least 3 times, granted that was 5yrs ago but obviously I didn’t learn from my experiences! Have a lovely time at the concert, you deserve it.
xx
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Hi Tina 
Hopefully you will have dodged the covid bullet 
Funny my mum tried to be a mystery shopper but gave up cause she was just too harsh a scorer and wasn’t worth her hassle 
x
You take care of yourself and will let you know how the concert goes xx
Hi Suzanne
Glad that you’ve been keeping busy and work has helped you to focus. I’ve been throwing myself into job hunting but after 15 years as a carer it’s proving a bit frustrating.
Really hope you enjoy your concert. I know you did say in one of your posts a while ago who you were going to see but can’t remember 
. I’ve found attending these sort of events does wonders for your wellbeing - I used to say that when things were normal as well.
I’m going to lunch in the restaurant that Mum and I used to go to on Wed with a neighbour. Not sure how I will cope with that although couldnt do it on my own.
My next theatre trip is on Sat to see Ralph Fiennes in a brand new play at the Bridge Theatre ( right next to Tower Bridge). Been there several times and it’s a lovely modern venue.
Well enjoy yourself at the concert and let us know how you got on
Sending my best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
I’m so pleased to hear from you and you sound like you’re doing quite a bit better. It’s true that the sadness can descend and overwhelm everything. After being creative in the garden and then being forced to stay inside because of the creep I was locked into a space of missing mam, wanting to tell her about the garden and then the creep (because mam was the only one who would listen and be supportive), worrying about not having a car when dad is not here to help me, becoming housebound and unable to function in the world. And if the internet goes off I can’t go to a shop for food so I would starve. I ended up watching a zombie horror film in the bedroom with the blinds drawn. It’s the first time after mam that I’ve watched a film in bed and realised its one of many firsts I’ve done. It’s like leaving her behind. I hope she is content wherever she is.
It must be so upsetting to walk through your home and have no connection to it but I totally get it. I think we disassociate as a way to distance ourselves from the pain. Your old life and memories there are waiting for you. Time has stopped because you aren’t there in that space. Next time you go you could open the windows and get some fresh air in and take one room at a time with the duster. I hate housework but it can be satisfying to bring the place back to life. After the fencing is done you can start making plans about visiting with trips to the beach as a reward. Zoe would love that and with summer still way off you have time to adjust before the hoards of people descend. I’d love to live by the coast. I really miss going to South Shields beach. We went every weekend, meeting up with old aunties for picnics. Sandy sandwiches and flasks of tea behind the stripey wooden windbreaker. I wish I could be a child forever. That would be my favourite time.
Your roses sound stunning. I should line the tree boundary with thorny ramblers so the creep can’t see in but I’m not sure there’s enough room with the tree roots. I will have to tackle that section when he’s not in. It’s where the big pond is. The birds love the trees and all the babies are coming to feed now. I think the bird you described is a magpie. I get them too along with crows, pigeons, doves, a couple of jay birds, robin, bluetit, and sparrow. It’s wonderful watching and hearing them. I have bird boxes but haven’t checked to see if they’re being used.
It’s such a shame to see so many of your plants have perished but I do think its a good idea planting them and then soaking the bed every time you return. I always looked for plants in the sales which needed coaxing back to life. Nothing more satisfying. And a splash of colour really lifts the spirits. I got some gorgeous blue hyacinths (my fave) in the sale and the perfume hits when I open the kitchen door. Makes me want to go out even after yesterday. Hoping the creep is going to work.
I’m really aching off all the work I did. There’s nothing more satisfying. Do you watch the gardening programmes? It’s always encouraging, even though it makes my garden look quite wild. I’ll take my pics today if creep leaves.
Hope to get my car back. It’s really annoying after getting the mot done but I haven’t paid out much in the four years I’ve had it so if I look at it that way it softens the blow. I find it so stressful searching for a new car and then getting used to driving it. I have no interest in them. Dad is always more excited than I am about what I’ll get.
You did well with your sandwich maker. I got a George Forman grill to do chicken and tried doing a sandwich in there but it wasn’t the same because it doesn’t seal the edges. I might get what you have. Cheese and onion. Yum.
It’s lovely and bright here so I’m hoping to get out there and finish the pergola roof trellis for my climber on the kitchen side. I do worry what will happen when I’m too old to garden because I have nobody to help me.
I’ll be thinking of you and your lovely roses xxx
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Hi Neil,
Yeah it’s the Stereophonics tonight so should be good as have seen them a couple of times over the decades lol x
Ralph Fiennes is a great actor so that will be epic.
Wednesday will be tough but it’s nice that your neighbour will be there to support you…and of course so will all of us be 
x
Will check in with you on Wed if not before and will let you know how the concert goes x
Take care until then xx
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Hi Suzanne,
Lovely to catch up with you. It is so lovely to have you all as friends who understand exactly what is going on. It makes all the difference.
Who are you going to see? I think the last concert was when I took my sister to see Take That (she was a crazy fan, not my type of music) so that must be nearly 30 years ago. Age is such a strange creature. I’m 51 and don’t know how I’ve arrived at this point in my life. Enjoy your evening. Doing those kind of things is ‘living your best life’ and making memories. I think getting back to work has given you structure to your week which is always a good thing. I still can’t get back into my textiles and blogging. It’s another hurdle I really have to face after the garden.
The climbing rose and bush roses (collections of 6 for £20) are from J Parkers (catalogue and online). They do everything and deliver when ready for planting. We’ve used them for years. Highly fragranced and in a variety of colour so everything you could possibly want. Roses are easy to care for. I have clay soil, which they love, and can be planted or potted. Bare root so not much to look at until they get going. I went halves with dad. I got David Austens last year for my birthday (red climbers) but the ones I chose for mam were all sold out and haven’t come back in. I’m planning on taking down the shed (14 year old and damp now because it’s been sinking in the mud) so I can see up the garden and will have more room for climbers. Will really open up the space for the bbq (not that I ever have visitors).
I’m just watching all the birds feeding at the table outside the sitting room window. I have the blinds open, despite the creep still being at home. He’s probably watching me right now but I don’t care. Sometimes it’s overwhelming and I need to hide. Other times I feel defiant and wish he would do something so I can report him to the police. It’s awful living like this but I have to.
Enjoy your concert and have a look online at the rose collections.
Hoping to get my car back today. The part is coming in but it’s a big job. Don’t understand how it can go 2 days after the mot. Would have just binned the car for scrap if it had failed along with the suspension coils I just had done. But if it can see me through another year while I look for something else it’ll be worth it. Will prob replace with the same. I’m certainly not adventurous when it comes to cars!
Much love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Just wanted to say how brave you are in going to the restaurant. Your mam would be pleased and it’s great that you have your lovely neighbour to go with. One of many I hope. It’s the things we enjoyed doing together that are the hardest. Going to the garden centre with dad was daunting because mam would be there too and we’d have a scone and cuppa in the little outdoor terrace bit. That’s another thing I’ll work up to doing.
And as to the job hunting, think of it as a long term project, not to be rushed. The right thing will present itself in time. You will be feeling very lost at the mo and anything you do should be commended. You could work that into your weekly routine, researching what is available. You don’t want to take something you regret and then be stuck with it. Have you considered working through an agency for temp work? I did that for a short time to fill in the gap when I was looking for someone to go travelling with. Ranged form warehouse to office work.
Enjoy your theatre. I like Ralph Fiennes.
Much love xxx
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Hi Christine:)
Going to see the Stereophonics tonight and think I first saw them like 30 years ago lol and as you say time/age is a funny thing x
Parkers…that was the name thank you and will check it out.
Funny you should say about taking your shed down as that’s on my to-do list when I’m next off for a few days as it’s falling to bits and the only thing keeping it standing is ivy! I have to watch though as there is a bird box in amongst the ivy so need to make sure it’s empty before I haul it all down.
Keeping my fingers crossed that creep will leave this afternoon and give you some peace to relax.
Still can’t understand how a whole steering system can go two days after an MOT but I suppose it happens and anything that saves you the hassle of getting a new car is a plus x
I like to hear the strength and dare I say slight defiance when you say you don’t care whether creep is there or not today…too lovely a day to hide cause of one wee prick (apologies if you don’t like that word) x
Would love to see photos of your pond if you feel up to it at some point.
Hope you get your car back today and look forward to your photos and hear how you’re doing xx
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Hi Christine
I think going to the restaurant is like pushing through a barrier. I know Mum will be looking down on me . It’s going to be a hard thing to do but I’m determined to do it .
Theatre on Saturday and hope my mindset will be ready for Mother’s Day .
Have a good afternoon x
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Hi Christine
Funny you speak about the George Foreman as I bought two of them as they are so good and quick but when I tried a grated cheese sandwich it looked more like a piece of cardboard. I’m currently checking if Amazon have any cheap electric drills/screwdrivers in case I need one when I get back up there. It’s only a one off job so I don’t really want to borrow my brother’s expensive gear. He can’t take me this time so it will be a train journey. The guy that delivers the panels last time managed to slot one in for me so if it’s the same one he might take pity on me and just slot one in again. They aren’t Wickes staff that deliver so there’s a good chance he may.
I have caught the gardening programmes once or twice. They are enjoyable I have to say. Its amazing how much can be transformed. (With lots of manual labour and cash of course!)
Hope you get back in the garden today although it’s dull and very cold now which is totally different to earlier on in the day. I don’t know if I said but I’ve got a similar problem with a neighbour that’s here now. These semi detached council homes have a side upper window and its over our kitchen door and garden so we can’t speak in normal tone and there’s zero privacy. He originates from an inner city and deals drugs so he’s a bit erratic. It’s a risk when you buy your council property as to who moves in but we’d been in this house over 40 years so got a huge right to buy discount from Council.
I’m going to go and make a drink in a minute whilst Zoe is asleep. I’m too cold to play catch with it in the garden as it would insist on me doing!
xx
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Hi Suzanne,
Yesterday turned out to be a good day after the prick (or hairy bollock as I refer to him) came home with his mate when I was doing the fishtank and I had to close all the blinds because they were both lurking about. When he realised I knew he was there they left and I could open the blinds again. I really don’t know what the fascination (obsession) is but I just have to work around it. I got out into the garden and attached my trellis to pergola and tackled part of the fence above my back gate (lined in plastic for privacy). If I can get big jobs done now before the weather turns nice I can sit and relax and maybe start my textiles and blogging again.
Getting my car back today so dad is coming over to take me. Will have to start looking for something else this year. It’s such a hassle but the car is old and has done well for the time I’ve had it. Planning on contacting my niece to see if she wants to go out on the bikes and if I take mine home I can go to the park after therapy. Whether it happens is another thing entirely.
Here’s some pics of what I’ve been up to: bare root roses from J Parkers
creating trellis with consetina trellis and bamboo, light for the pergola
washing pots in prep for transplanting seeds
lots of seeds on windowsills for heat and sunshine
creating a new path lined with weed control, waiting for shingle to arrive
planting rhubarb, prepping tub for climbing rose, adding trellis to fence above strawberry bath and filling water butts around garden
searching for new plastic containers to replace shed and open up garden
view from my window where I have coffee with Porsch when the creep is not at home
planting hanging baskets
planting tubs of ivy to stop creep seeing through (this is where he was standing on his green bin and looking over the top to see in my window)
dressing my table created from pallets with tubs and hyacinths
enjoying the fairy lights with a bowl of soup
Still have top tackle the pond which needs a lot of debris cleared and pump is choked
Tidying patio
memory tree is still going strong
view from kitchen door where my neighbour and friend’s cats come for breakfast
It always surprises me how different the garden looks in pics. It is very bare at the mo. But whatever the time of year I do enjoy being out and busy in the fresh air. And I always get a good sleep after waring myself out!
Will post more as I do.
Enjoy your concert! I vaguely remember the stereophonics. It’s all a bit of a blur (I did love Blur).
Much love xxx
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Hi Neil,
You’ll see I’ve posted lots of pics of what I’ve been doing in my garden. It took a lot of pushing myself to get out there because mam loved gardening and I felt I couldn’t do it without her. But once I started on jobs I really got into it and am looking forward to summer and getting more plants.
I think whatever we used to do with our loved ones is harder to tackle because it is such a stark reality that they are no longer with us. But I think they will be watching over us and happy that we are functioning and trying to carry on. You are doing amazing things and have such strength. Your parents will be very proud of you. I am, even though I don’t know you in real life. I hope your neighbour continues to be a good support.
I spoke to dad yesterday and he was very irritated with me and wouldn’t listen to me. I think he prefers it when I don’t speak, though I was trying to help him get a better deal on his broadband. Picking my car up with him today so will be relieved I have the option to go out even though I know I won’t do anything other than go in the garden. But I am wanting to go out on my bike with my niece at some point. Therapy rebooked for Thursday so I’m feeling quite positive about my week. It really is a rollercoaster of emotion. I was in floods of tears for mam a few days ago.
Hope my pics of being busy has lifted you a bit. It’s wonderful opening my kitchen door on a morning and getting hit with the perfume of hyacinths. Sending you lots of love xxx
I forgot to say thank you for reminding me when Mothers Day is. I was trying to ignore it but would be so upset if I was too late. I’ll order my card today x
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Hi Tina,
Just catching up on my posts after being in the garden yesterday (posted pics in reply to Suzanne).
I got a great hand held drill from Amazon for about a tenner and comes with different drill bits so perfect for what you need. Take a screwdriver as well just to tighten up to finish. I love diy and would be there helping you if I could. It will be quicker than you think. Have you ordered the fixings or are they ok from the old panels? Hope the delivery bloke takes pity on you and fits the lot! I really have to think about replacing my fence but I need about 10 panels so will be expensive. Still don’t know what my car is costing but getting it back today. Feel lost when it’s in the garage because I know I’m really stuck at home without it.
You mentioned your erratic neighbour. I’d gladly swap you for my creep. He came back yesterday with his mate and only left because I closed the blinds. He’s always so quiet I don’t realise he’s there until it’s too late. But I had a good day after he’d gone again. At least you know your neighbour is only interested in his drugs. I have thought about buying this but can’t imagine moving from here because I’m so trapped with the agoraphobia. Cheaper to rent and stay as I am.
You sound a lot more positive than you were. It’s so up and down. I was in floods of tears a couple of days ago but now feel positive and in control. Will order a nice Mothers Day card now.
Tons of love and enjoy my pics of being busy in the garden xxx
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Hi Christine
Have just been looking through your lovely pics of your garden. Your Mum would be really proud of all your hard work . In some ways for me, when I’m out and see flowers it makes me a bit sad as Mum loved to see them and now she can’t. Posting those pics has brightened my day though as Tuesday is the worst day for me- Mum gone 4 months today. I have those days where I just cant process what has happened and today is one of them. I will be phoning Cruse later as it does really help. They are right when they say it comes in waves and when it hits you it is devastating.
Hope you have a good Tuesday afternoon and evening
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
So pleased the pics brightened your day a little. I know Tuesdays are hard for you. When I first went into the garden it was upsetting because mam isn’t here to be in her own garden or to see or hear what I’ve been doing. I do hope our mams (and your dad) are watching over us and part of our lives. It has helped being productive again, though I am suffering today because I’m so exhausted! Mam will be gone 17b weeks Thursday. I just don’t know where the time has gone and how I’ve got through it. You’re right about the waves. Total devastation. Don’t know exactly how I pick myself up again but I do and soldier on. It is an effort but the alternative is sitting crying like I was for three months (end Nov to Feb). Losing our loved ones is the worse thing that can ever happen to us and nobody prepares us for it.
I’m just watching a mother robin feed her baby by the open window where I’m sitting. So lovely to see.
Going to phone the garage and prepare myself the shock of another bill. I’ll have paid his mortgage / rent this month!
Hope Cruse helps. Tons of love xxx
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Hi Christine.
My Mum passed 16 weeks today. It still doesnt seem real. The chat with Cruse was good and productive . Talking is the best therapy for me and hopefully the one to one counselling will be just what I need.
Hope your day has gone well
Best wishes
Neilx
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Wow Christine is all I can say…just wow 
x
What a busy lady you have been and such green fingers you have…I am definitely going to pick your brains when I get to the point of choosing my plants etc.
I am hoping to get better at gardening as I really like flowers now…must be an age thing as never liked them before lol…but think I appreciate their beauty more now that I’m older x
I literally am in awe at the not only what seems to be a very big garden but the selection of plants, the imagination and execution of your displays etc. I’m not easy to impress but you have managed it lol x
Hopefully Creepy will stay away and give you peace…so amazed he even has a friend tbh x
Yeah Stereophonics were really good last night but they finished at 11pm after playing for over 2 hours but it took me over 2.5 hrs to get home due to no organisation for exiting the venue carpark and road works…so got home at 1.30am which normally isn’t an issue but I was due to start work this morning at 7am cause my boss changed my shift 
so needless to say I’m shattered however Starbucks kept me awake all day lol x
Nice that your dad is taking you to get your car and hope they have you a decent discount for the massive inconvenience x There are online sites like Cinch now that you can buy a car and have it delivered to your house so you can avoid all the hassle of wandering around show rooms x
I was never a Blur or Oasis fan (much to my friends disgust lol)…my number one band was and still is the Manic Street Preachers…lost count of how many times I’ve seen them live after like 30 times…mum always laughed my obsession and I even got her to a couple of their gigs lol x
Anyway with look at the Parker roses and will asking your opinion x
Take care and much love xx
Hi Neil,
Glad Cruse could help you feel a bit more settled today and just wanted to wish you all the love and support for tomorrow and will be thinking of you x
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Hi Tina,
How you doing just now? Is it tomorrow you have to go back to the house again? If so wish this is the last time and it gets all sorted and hope you get the nice helpful delivery guy that will help you x
Hope the weather is good down there and that Zoe is getting out and about and maybe to the beach when your brother can next take you x
Weird to hear of your drug dealer neighbour…that must also be hard to live near as they and their ‘clients’ can be a bit temperamental I would imagine.
Like you I got this house cause of mum and dads council discount and out neighbours that the Council put in next to us are a young, pretty rough family and when you know that the average age of the houses in the cul-de-sac are like 50 years old…as you can imagine it hasn’t gone down well. It took us years to get on to decent speaking terms with them but when they found out about mum they were straight to my door with a card and flowers…I kinda felt embarrassed that I had judged them wrongly x
Are you keeping any better or as good as you can be just now?
Here for you all X
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