Hi Suzanne
Yes Cruse were very good today ( after a very long wait to get through). Just hoping I can hold it together tomorrow as it’s something I need to do for Mum.
Just read your post to Christine. So glad you had a great time at the Stereophonics concert . Did it help to do something you really enjoy and take your mind off everything just for a few hours? It really helps me as you know when I go to the theatre.
I’ve always liked the Manics as well . I’ve lost interest in lots of things recently and playing my music is one of them. Got hundreds of albums but not in the mood for playing them .Several TV programmes we used to watch , I cant at the moment.
I don’t know if I told you yesterday but got my money credited back to my account after my mental block in the bank.
Anyway, so pleased you had a good time and speak again soon
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Yes. The time is very surreal. I’m always relieved to get through the day so I can just sit in front of the tv like a zombie and not feel anything if I can help it. I’m so glad the chat with Cruse helps. Without it you would probably be very stuck, as I was for those 3 months. I’ve learned through my therapy that exploring stuff, getting it out and having perspective (not always my own) is good because we step back from it, though it really hasn’t helped me with mam. Being understood and listened to is the key to moving forward. That’s why dad infuriates me so much. He was at my sisters (the one ignoring me) and when I asked if he could bring the padlocks she had probably in the drawer with other stuff she dumps and doesn’t sort out - we all have one!), and whether the plastic storage unit in the garden leaks (so I can order them for tools to replace my shed) he was totally irritated with me and dismissed me with that old expression he uses to describe me ‘‘you go on and on and on’’… Suzanne is right when she says he belittles me. It doesn’t matter what I say/do/think/feel I irritate him and he puts me down. I am angry and so upset when I am just asking a question. When he came round later he was being nice to me and I wondered why. I am sick of being treated like this. So my answers to his conversation was very short. I always wonder why people are nice to me when the general feeling towards me is one of contempt. I really do not deserve it. I am a nice person. I’m not asking anything of anyone and will always help if I can.
While I was waiting for my car I put up my memory tags at my shrine in the sitting room and they look lovely. Each has a thing to describe mam. ‘The little nub’ is my fave. Its the little scrap left over from the scones she would make. We all laughed at it when she’d squidge it on the baking tray and it was always her favourite bit to eat. I can’t cook at all (gave it up in the second year and replaced it with technical drawing (very boring because I was the only girl and nobody was very chatty). I wish I’d paid attention when mam was making things so I could at least try to cook in her memory, to be close to her. It’s precious now because I’m too late. I bet your mam was a good cook, or did you do it? I think it’s an undervalued life skill I wish I had.
Anyway, he’s some pics of my memory tags at mams shrine:
Have a fab evening. I’m hoping tonight is the brilliant ‘This is going to hurt’ at 9. My favourite thing at the mo.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
You did make me laugh about the creep having a friend. Prob a work colleague or family. But then he presents himself to the woman on the other side of him as normal. This is why he gets away with it.
So pleased you are inspired with the garden. It’s so bare at the mo but the planters do give a lovely blast of colour. Even dad was impressed after telling me I should tidy up a bit on his last visit. You’ll read in my reply to Neil how dismissive he is of me and then nice to make up for it. I had enough of those mind games in the relationship I walked out of so I’m certainly not going to tolerate it from him, even if he is my dad. I think I must have mug tattooed on my forehead. Just don’t understand what it is about me that winds him up so much, for no reason at all.
You can certainly pick my brains about plants. I never used to be in the garden when I was young (except to sunbathe in the tiniest bikinis I could find - cannot do that now!!!) even though we always had lovely gardens wherever we were. I do think it’s an age thing. And for me after having the breast cancer I really don’t feel pretty and don’t bother being what I was before (big hair and nails, tiny clothes). I suppose I’ve grown into myself, or been pushed. I’m quite contented as I am and I suppose the garden and decorating reflects that. When I post in the summer you’ll see how lush and green it is.
Glad the concert was good but OMG! I don’t think I could have survived the day at work on so little sleep. You’ll certainly sleep tonight. Getting out of the carpark reminds me of bonfire displays we went to with mam. Absolute chaos.
I like your thing about Cinch saving me the hassle of finding a new car. I only do second hand run arounds (apart from my first car) so don’t think that would really apply. Never walked around a showroom either. Dad always knew a person through work or a neighbour. I’ve always been really lucky with repairs. Got my car back today without a bill (will see him tomorrow) and I was saying how annoyed I was at it not showing up in the mot. It’s because there was no oil in the steering wheel to leak out for them to become aware of it. Looking back over the 4 years I’ve had it there’s been no major repairs so 2 big jobs have come along in one go. Just pleased I don’t have to go without my car because I can’t use any public transport, even a taxi, because of my panic attacks at being trapped. So I’ll have the next year to find a replacement.
You’re probably having a much needed nap now. Hope you like the memory tags I’ve posted. Took me a while to do them. Thought it would be very upsetting but I was too annoyed at dad to be upset as well. Looks lovely. Will hang my pink ballet shoes next to them to finish (ties in the colour and celebrates my childhood).
Enjoy looking for your roses.
Tons of love xxx
Hi Neil, just wanted to say I still can’t listen to music and think it’s fab that Suzanne went to her concert. I used to blast hip hop or old school rave tunes whenever I was driving but I just can’t do it now. It used to make me happy and free and to feel like that again would make me feel guilty. I find it hard being kind to myself. Good luck tomorrow x
Hi Tina,
Just letting you know I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow with the fence. I’ll be glad it’s over and done with, never mind you! It’s going to be nice all week so you have the best weather to make the job a little easier. Hope you got your screwdriver. Lots of love xxx and an extra one for tomorrow x
Hello all. I’m sorry to jump on your chat. I lost my mum suddenly 5 weeks ago on Thursday. We didn’t live together as I had children and got married (he left just before covid hit) but I was on my own as was she. We got really close over lockdown and FaceTimed in the evening and texted a lot through the day. She was like my best friend and we got each other and our weird ways. She would listen to me and advise or reassure. As I would for her. I used to take her shopping each week. She can drive but she suffered with anxiety and didn’t like to go alone. I’ve not been able to sit in my living room alone in the evening since it happened. I don’t know why. Maybe cos talking to her was part of my routine and I’d put the kids to bed then get my bits and bobs together then plonk on the sofa and message her to see if she wanted to chat. Which we always did. Then we’d message off and on after. She was the first person I spoke to every day and the last person I spoke to. Always a good night love you message. I sat in my living room last night. And I sat there and it hit me. I have no one. I know I have the children but I can’t bawl to them. Or just talk. I have a sister and we chat but she’s busy and also we have different ways of dealing with our emotions which is fine. She picked up mums ashes yesterday so was upset anyway but I realised she was my lifeline. I have never felt so alone as k do now. All the people who said they’ll be there have scattered and I don’t hear from anyone. The silence from not talking to mum is deafening and I’m not coping too well. I’m sorry for jumping on to this chat but you all seem so nice and are suffering the same loss as I am which I’m sorry for all of you and send hugs.
Nicola xxx
Hi Nicola
First of all, so sorry for your loss. Losing your Mum really changes your life as they are so precious to us. I lost my Mum 16 weeks today, Tuesday always a bad day for me.
Sorry that you had to come on this forum and find us but you are truly welcome. We have all struck up some great friendships even though none of us have met but we all understand what we are all going through and help each other through especially if any of us are having a difficult day.
I’m Neil from South East London by the way. Feel free to post anything, whether it’s a good day or a bad day as someone will always be here for you
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil. Thank you. Tuesday is bad for me too as it was shopping day with mum. Mondays and Thursdays not good either. She was taken ill on the Monday. Valentines day. She’d already gone really but we let her go on the 17th which was the Thursday. All I keep thinking is how has it all come to this in 5 weeks. Her house is gone. She’s gone. All of a sudden just gone. Just missing her. So much. And probably even still in shock. We live in Somerset in the south west. Sorry. Rambling. Feels like everyone has abandoned now or they just don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know. Finding this new life very hard to comprehend and cope with.
Nicola xxx
Hi Nicola
Do not ever say sorry for rambling . Talking gets things off your chest. Since Mum passed I’ve been totally alone , aside from a couple of friends. Everyone else seems to think you carry on as normal after the funeral . But one day it will happen to them and it could happen at any time.
My coping mechanisms are regular phone calls to Cruse and Samaritans as keeping talking is very important to me and continuing with my love for theatre . If I didnt have these then I dont think I could have gone on . I have to take it one day at a time and that’s all you can do because looking too far ahead in the future can look very bleak.
Neil x
Hi Nicola,
It is lovely to meet you even though we meet at the worst time in our lives. I am so very sorry you have lost your precious mam. I’ve only recently been able to start doing stuff. My mam died in November and I was unable to function for 3 months. Mam was my whole world. She understood and didn’t question my anxiety and agoraphobia. She accepted me for who I am. The lack of understanding from my family is puzzling to say the least. I don’t know why people react the way they do. Like you said the silence is deafening. I am completely alone and have no distractions to stop me being immersed in my grief. Once your children are in bed you are faced with the reality of your precious mam not being there with you. You were there for each other. You loved and were loved and your evenings were spent together. You are not alone. You have us now. We are all devastated by our loss. We have been destroyed and are taking baby steps to repair again, whatever that means. Your mam would be pleased that you have found us. We are always here. It has saved me from joining my mam. I still want to. But having people understand what you are feeling because we have all felt it, and be here when you need to express how broken you are, really makes a difference. There is no judgment. I have felt so much guilt because I haven’t always been able to visit mam because I have panic attacks leaving the house. I wish I’d told her how much I love her. I hope she can feel how loved she is. I keep waiting for her to visit me still. I’m getting upset now but I can’t hide from it. We don’t know how perfect life was before our mams left. My mam died within a week. She didn’t know she had cancer. My posts from the beginning are ‘I want to die so I can join my mam’ where I am totally devastated and all I could do was express that on here. And now, 17 weeks on, having not celebrated xmas (I never will again) or her 80th birthday in January, and been totally isolated from my family because I couldn’t contain my grief for them, I am now in the garden and talking to real friends on here. We are all propping each other up. You are so welcome to join us. That place you are in now will last however long it lasts. There is no time limit. But you will see chinks of hope as I did. I couldn’t sleep and had to take sleeping tablets for a while but I don’t need them now. Whatever help you can get to ease the pain is worth trying. I have weekly therapy and others use Cruse on here. It’s worth joining their waiting list. Understanding grief and being able to accept it and work through it is all we can do. It must be the most horrific journey we will ever undertake. It’s like joining a club we didn’t know existed. And it changes us. I cannot imagine returning to my old life because mam isn’t here. And whatever life I have she will be waiting for me at the end of it. Each day is a day closer to reaching her. You will have to strong for your children but we are here for you when they are in bed.
Sending you much love xxx
Hi Neil.
I thought about calling the Samaritans. I don’t really have anyone to sound off too. Like I said me and my sister are different emotionally. I have a big sister too. Her and mum didn’t see eye to eye and she’s been great helping out and was with us and mum when she went but I don’t hear from her. She lives away from us also. My childrens dad was great to start with but he’s never been through a bereavement and he said it was draining him. I do have friends. But I don’t hear back from them til days later. I know they don’t have to talk to me. My mum was the one person I was always in constant contact with. I’ve been signed off work for a while as can’t face it right now. I just feel so lost.
Nicola x
Thank you so so much for your kind words. Both me and mum suffered with anxiety and panic attacks so we understood each other. She liked shopping with me because she said I was so patient with her. We’d hold each other up. She had only turned 70 on the 14th December. I blame myself a lot for what has happened as she told me it was panic and a sinus infection. It wasn’t. One the last messages I sent her was ‘you’ll be ok mum promise you’ 24 hours later she was pretty much gone. I should of gone to her on that Monday but instead I chose to work. She didn’t want anyone there but it’s not the point. I should of known. She said she was having a bad anxiety episode. And I really thought that’s what it was. She had copd. Which never really affected her. But it did. We just didn’t know. I don’t think she did either. I feel like I let her down when she needed me the most. My sister watched her die 3 times. I feel guilty she had to see that on that Monday night. She’s my younger sister and it should of been me there. Just so many emotions and I don’t know what to do with them all. I feel like I’m existing for my girls and that’s it right now. Sorry again. Just all coming out.
Nicola xxx
Hi Neil,
Yeah last night was actually the first night out/concert I’d been too since mum passed but it helped that I went with my oldest friend who grew up with mum after she lost her own at aged 5 x it actually felt almost ‘normal’ and for once I didn’t feel guilty for enjoying myself…if that makes sense.
Funny you should say about the loss of interest in music etc as I too have kinda done that. I even moved my record player into the living room but still haven’t put any records on but one day 
x
That was quick and so pleased you got your money back as promptly as you did so that’s one wee less thing to worry about.
Can’t imagine tomorrow will be easy but we’re all so proud of you for doing this and will be thinking of you 
x
Let us know how you get on and will be with you in spirit for strength xx
Hi Nicola,
As Neil and Christine have both said it’s a shame you are here in these circumstances but you are more than welcome to join in with any of our posts.
What part of Somerset are you from as my mum and I often travelled down there 2-3 times a year and we were actually down there when she took not well about 10 days before she passed?
I too still have my last text I sent my mum on that fateful day in December when I said I’d text her after her lunch and when I received no reply I knew there was something wrong.
You couldn’t have done anymore or anticipated she was ill as mum’s just are invincible and she wouldn’t want to bother you/us. As easy as it is for me to say to you but try not go down the ‘what if’ route as that will just make you feel so much worse for something you unfortunately can’t change or had no control over.
Friends and family are an odd bunch as Christine has said…and I have found some people who I expected to be there for me as they too have lost their mum have all but abandoned me whilst some people who never really were that close are the ones who are looking out for me and checking in on me…there will come a time when you will be strong to cut the cords with people who bring nothing to your happiness/support but just now accept any help you are offered to help you gain strength mentally x
Although we have never met in person these lovely people are a great support and offer some amazing incite and we are all too aware of how each of us a feeling x
As Neil said take one day or even half a day at a time and try not to think too far ahead as that’s just scary.
We are all here for each other…good or bad days so pop in whenever you want to.
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne.
Thank you so much for your kind message. I was getting frustrated with mum that day as she wasn’t replying and knew the doctors would be calling her. She messaged me in the morning asking if someone could pick up her dog as she was so tired from not sleeping and needed to sleep. The last message I got off her was a ‘x’ my sister had been there and mum always slept with her earplugs in. Even then I didn’t think. Thought she was asleep probably. Really had no clue. I called the doc to see if anyone had called her and they said they had no record of the earlier call. Doc did go to her within the hour. She was still alive. Checked her pulse and blood pressure and said they were ok. Checked her chest and said she’d have to go to hospital and that was it. She went. Just like that. My sister was there as I had her kids and mine. By the time they got her pulse back it had been too long. And my whole world fell apart. Sorry. Too much but I have to talk about it. No one gets it. The shock. The grief. I’m just at a complete loss. She didn’t give up easy on the Thursday. We watched her go. Then she started breathing again. So had to watch her go again. For good. It’s broken me. She was strong. She was so tough and independent. She kicked ass. To see her like that killed me.
Nicola xx
Hi Nicola,
Some of your story resonates with me quite a bit. My mum took not well when we were down in Somerset (roughly 400 miles from home) and the cottage hospital said it was a chest infection that was aggravating her asthma so I drove those miles home in like 7 hours just so she could be at home. She then progressively got worse over the week which became pneumonia and then on the day before and the day she passed she was perfect…she was up and about texting away and then within two hours gone….like you and the rest of us our lives changed forever in the most ferociously hideous way.
Unfortunately we all understand too well the loneliness, the feeling we just want to not wake up etc etc and I don’t have children to be strong for so you are a lot stronger than you probably realise.
To know she fought so hard before she passed is so cruel and must be hard to understand 
I keep a journal and write in it at nights and jot down the things I would tell her if she was here and although it sometimes hurts a lot I find it quite cathartic and does eventually bring some relief…perhaps you could try that?
You have nothing to feel guilty about but it’s easy for me to say that but believe me you don’t x
Be kind to yourself and do what you want and express yourself how you feel you need to and don’t let anyone tell you differently as we will all take as long as we need to to move forward xx
Hi Suzanne.
Where in Somerset did you stay?
I have thought about writing things down. Mum used to tell me to do that after my husband left as she did after my dad left. She said even if they don’t see it it makes you feel better and she was right as always. So maybe I’ll try it. I got some paper to write her a letter to go with her so maybe I’ll use that paper as it’s attached to her anyway. My eldest daughter who’s only 7 wrote and did her some lovely cards wishing her to get well soon then after to say she hopes she is having a nice time in heaven. Broke my heart but I’ve kept them all. Hidden away for now but hope one day I can look at them and I hope somehow mum saw them too.
This is hard going as you well know. I’m so glad I did talk to you guys on this thread. No one seems to of really understood like you all have and I’m so grateful for all your kind responses. Just been a hard few days. I’m here for you all too.
Nicola xx
Hi Nicola,
It’s good that you’re talking about what has happened. If only we could rewrite the past, visit it, put things right, do it differently, perfect it. You made choices at that time because you didn’t know what was happening. Anxiety is a condition we manage. My mam didn’t know she had cancer. She didn’t tell us or the paramedics the extent of her pain, where it started and progressed. She didn’t take her morphine. I wasn’t allowed to go to the hospital and when we all could she wasn’t able to talk. Not making sense of it, blaming ourselves for what we didn’t do, is all part of trying to find answers when there aren’t any. It’s devastating. I visited my mam at the chapel of rest and it will haunt me forever. Not because it was gruesome, but because I can’t visit her any longer. I watched her die, gulping her last breaths as she looked at me. My lovely mam. And I couldn’t help her or take it away or take her place. I worry that she didn’t know how precious she is to me, how I feel totally lost without her, how I want to be a little girl forever so I always have her with me. It breaks my heart. Your sister would have done everything you would have done if you were there. But you couldn’t have stopped what was happening. I created a shrine for mam to feel close to her but she seems so far away. I wish I could have died in her place. She is such a kind, patient, loving and forgiving person. I wish I could be more like her. I will be waiting to join her forever. It’s good that you are strong for your children. Some people can’t be. They are too broken. You have strength and will find a way forward eventually. Writing here has really helped me. Even if we understand how and why it doesn’t give comfort. You will miss every second you are not with her but you are lucky to have been so loved by her and she you. We all are. It is because we love so deeply that we are so heartbroken. The things you did, places you went, things you watched or listened to together will be so painful you will feel you can never do it again. It’s like living in a space which is empty, going through the motions because you have to. I want to visit her tribute site but it is too painful and I haven’t posted there for a while. I feel guilty that I haven’t forced myself but I can’t bear to look at her smiling at me in the photos I posted for everyone who couldn’t visit the services. My family will not even look at it. I did it for mam because it was the only thing I could do for her. Sorry for getting upset. It still tears me apart. It comes in waves. It’s better to cry when you need to. To let it out. You are doing better than you realise. We are all just trying to get through the day and every little step forward is a win. I couldn’t go into the garden at first because it was how mam spent her time. And I’ve managed to do lots now and enjoy it. I didn’t think I could enjoy anything again. I sat with a cuppa on the patio. That was my start. You will find yours. Recognise everything you do and allow yourself the time to grieve for her. She’ll be waiting and watching over you. Much love xxx
I have my mums garden bench in my garden now. We spent time sat on it chatting with a cup of tea. I can’t sit on it right now. Just look at it and cry. Wanted it cos she loved sitting there in her garden with her dog chatting to people who walked their dogs in the field behind her garden. I’ve heard so many lovely stories from people who lived in her village with her. Just all so raw. My 2 and a half year old was on her toy phone the other day talking to mum apparently. She didn’t like to be called nanny or grandma. Her brother lives in Denmark and they call grandmas mor mor over there and that’s what she was to her grandkids. Mor mor. My eldest daughter keeps saying mummy I can smell mor mor. Kills me.
Nicola xxx
Hi Christine
Oh my goodness what GORGEOUS GORGEOUS GORGEOUS photos !!!
Have you been to uni or college for your design and photography skills at any stage in your life?
Did you see Alan Titchmarsh tonight? You immediately sprung to mind as he was doing a rose garden and it was stunning when they had finished. I bet he didn’t get those roses from the local B and Q.
I didn’t get a text from the delivery firm to say I was getting my fence panel tomorrow so I rang Wickes up at 7.30pm this evening rather than set off in the morning for another pointless trip. I’d already received 3 and got them put in and this was part of the incomplete order their fault). It turns out the items were now out of stock and the staff member hadn’t rung to tell me. He said he knew of another branch that had one and he’d ask if they would send one up to the Blackpool branch for me. The irony is, is that the store he is talking about is the store where I am living which is just 15minutes away walking distance. It’s starting to feel like something from the three Stooge’s or an Eric Sykes comedy sketch.
I’ve been outside tidying up all day. Sometimes I keep thinking I need to check on Mum or even thinking in some strange way that nothing’s happened. Until of course you remember it has. The other day I was tidying and found some Bakker rose/plant catalogues that were 40 years old! I used to look at them till I nearly wore the print down.
Hope the creepy has been keeping a low profile since you last wrote.
I can’t get over how brilliant your garden looks, it’s amazing.
Speak again soon
Much love xx