Hi Neil,
That is so mean to not have invited you. I don’t know why people aren’t kinder. They would feel so much better about themselves. Sometimes I think people don’t do things intentionally and aren’t aware of the effects on that person and get caught up in what is happening. Ignorance is bliss as the saying goes. But then people do seem to be selfish. I know for myself how a kind word or gesture is enough to change my whole day. I always feel better for posting and connecting with you all. Friendship is a wonderful thing, in whatever form. Next time you see them mention about them going and see what the reaction is when you say ‘I would have loved to go. It was on my list’ . If they have any love in them they’ll feel guilty! And leave them with ‘Let me know next time’! You haven’t lost anything saying that but let them know you are aware of what they have done. I hate playing mind games and am really not great at it because it doesn’t sit comfortably with me, but calling someone out on their behaviour when justified will give you some satisfaction and closure on what has happened. Like I was saying in earlier posts I haven’t heard from my niece at all after she started her new job. So I haven’t bothered contacting her again. It may be that she is busy seeing her boyfriend between his work and her new job but a little text goes a long way. I’ve been incredibly busy in the garden so haven’t been waiting around for her but it still hurts that I’m no longer a person to care about. I helped my sister raise her kids and was involved daily. To have lost the strong bond we had really is upsetting. I just have to accept that I am alone and will continue to be until they want to go swimming and of course I treat them afterwards to a Mcd’s. I try not to overthink things and tell myself it’s because they are young and busy and I’m not (really feeling my age now).
Soz Neil, hope I haven’t made you feel any worse. I’ve been ok in the garden because I’ve been so busy but if I hadn’t I would have been really upset as Bank Holidays were always something to be celebrated with a family get together, bbq, whatever. Since Mam my life has completely stopped. The things that filled it and that I enjoyed no longer apply. Not even a car bootie because I can’t go on my own (why would I want to?).
Glad you have an art exhibition on Thursday. Wish I could be popping into London like you do, and I loved to do (mostly shopping and going out clubbing). It’s strange how doing normal things become precious when they stop.
I’m dreading Coronation weekend as it would have been a massive celebration in the garden at the old house, dressing up, bbq, flags etc. I remember being 7 when we had a street party and everyone brought food and drinks, tables and chairs. I miss people, being happy and joining in. I will be alone at home and hope nothing is happening in the street to make me worse than I will be feeling. OMG I really am soz. It’s like I can’t hide what I’m feeling. It’s always there and I become more fragile on any calendar date where mam was in charge of fun things. I just miss her so very much. Had no clue how destroyed I would feel without her.
Must start getting ready now for therapy so will be popping back in later with pics from the last few days. Trying to get finished before the heat incapacitates me!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Palou,
So lovely to see you here and thank you so much for saying how proud mam would be about my garden. She would be amazed! I can just picture her now but now sure of what she is actually saying. Sometimes I do know. I miss her so much, her kindness and loving spirit. It’s like I have become a child again, needing her reassurance because the world doesn’t make sense and she is the only thing that will make things ok. The pain of losing our mams must be the most intense we can ever imagine. I have had failed relationships and it never hurt like this (they say the breakdown of a relationship or marriage is a form of grief). All we can do is keep going and filling in time to relieve the pain is a bonus. That’s why my garden is a form of therapy. The harder I work the more I am focused on the task in hand. But when I stop all I do is cry for her. I just want her to come back. I would give everything I am to make that happen, swap places with her so I can watch and love her from the spirit world.
I’m pleased you still pop in and follow what we are all doing. Sometimes I can’t even do that. But when I do catch up I always feel so much better. Being isolated makes grief so much more intense.
Must dash to get ready for my therapy but I’ll be back later with lots of pics. When I’m photographing the garden now it’s like you are all there with me and I’m chatting to you in my head about what I’ve been doing. See you later hun x
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
I need to come back to you as I’m running late for my therapy (and have tears streaming down my face again for mam so really need to compose myself). Have lots of pics to post when I get back. Pimped my pond ! so lots going on. The colour combo’s of your pond plants are lovely and love the little cat from your son. Can I just quickly say, I’m so jel that my garden isn’t neat like yours. I’m no ‘Pristine Christine’! as Tina said. Did make me laugh.
See you soon with lots of pics and updates on my garden adventures over the last few days. My hands are like sand paper no matter how much hand cream I lather on them. But I’m determined to get the garden finished before the heatwave. See you soon x
Lots of love xxx
Hi all
Sorry for the absence, as you probably can guess it was due to working on the latest craft club display.
Here’s the results. Yes we really did make a 10ft by 8ft crown 
It took over 12 hours over two days to put it out, in the rain towards the end. Was soaked! I ache every where
Now trying to get ready for taking granddad to Cornwall at the weekend and get work sorted before my time off.
will try and catch up properly very soon!
Hope is all well with everyone. Sending much love
Beki x
Hi Beki
That is truly fantastic . You have done an amazing job . Thank you for posting the pics . Very well done 
xx
Hi Neil,
Will need to check out the roof terrace there then if my pal wants to too as I am very intrigued x
I do love a cheesecake and the only one I kind find that is close to a good New York cheesecake is from M&S and luckily it’s only slices or I would eat the whole darn thing …gonna sound an odd question but do you have it on it’s own or with ice cream or cream…just wondering lol x
This whole coronation thing seems to be quite controversial and I hear about the chaos it’s going to be causing on London transport like special extra trains etc. Are you planning on popping into London to be part of it? Me personally I couldn’t give a monkeys lol x
Your film sounds very different and I do admire you keeping such an open mind on everything. I really wish I could be like you…on some things I’m so stuck in my own ways lol x
I do like the National History Museum so will look up that exhibit. When we come down next month my friend wants to go to the top of tower bridge and go on the London Eye…I think it’s a waste of money but she’s determined x
As of Friday I’m off for a week so this time next week I should be in Glastonbury for a couple of days and can’t wait.
Hope you’re doing ok this week and find some sport to watch. All I hear about is Wrexham FC just now on the radio x
Anyway have a good mid-week,
Take care and much love 
x
BTW Neil meant to say those people who didn’t invite you or at least even mention it to you are assholes 
x
Hi Nick x
How are you doing now? Is the weather any better for you the last couple of days?
I’m plodding along as work has been very hard and difficult this week but myself and the store manager just laugh at the shitstorm (pardon the language) that keeps getting flung at us. Both of us are too stubborn to give in so we laugh…and drink x
Not gonna lie but I am intrigued at the thought of drinking salt water as I know that would make me sick at any concentration….do you find it helps at all? x
I laugh at my daily cause sometimes my stupidity even amazes me…I mean I literally spent 10 mins this morning looking for my other sock only to find it actually already on my foot!! Mum always said I did things so fast sometimes that I didn’t have to register things…what a surprise she was right again x
Are you going to be watching the Coronation at the weekend? I won’t be as I have no interest in him or the Royals at all but I have respect for those who do and are looking forward to it. I have a colleague at the Loch who is spending it with her mum as her mum was part of the Queen’s coronation as she was living in Zimbabwe…that is something to be able to talk about.
What are you doing with your days this week? I hope you are managing to get out for a wee walk at least.
Will catch up later 
x
Hi Suzanne
Trying not to let it get me down . Will just continue to see shows when I like!
Change of plan for my museum exhibition on Thursday. Having read the review in the Sunday paper, I am now seeing the Donatello art exhibition at the V and A. Really looking forward to it . Will be turning my phone off for the afternoon and indulging in great sculptures. Also hope to see the Musical Theatre display of costumes.
More football tomorrow with a difficult game at champions Man City 
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
@Palou ….sorry to hear you are struggling just now missing your mum. Would you like to talk about her at all and spread her memory?
Do you still have people to help support you on your worst days? Even today I miss being able to tell her something I read as it wasn’t a massive thing but she would have been interested whereas literally no one else I know would be but you do learn coping mechanisms over time but the main thing is not for that facade to become your default…sadness can sometimes be very cathartic I find but everyone is different.
How do you keep yourself ‘busy’ if you don’t mind me asking? Do you have any hobbies to help your disappear from reality for a while?
Always nice to hear from you when you feel up to it and Cal thanks you for the compliment x
@christine51…your garden looks amazing as usual but did i read right that something took you 5 hours!! Hell no I just wouldn’t have the patience for that lol x
One of my favourite programmes to chill to is Million Dollar Listings:New York….Don’t know why as I canna afford my house in Scotland never mind a million dollar pad in NYC but we can dream lol x
That Creep needs to accept the fact that you are not interested in anything he does or says…what will it take? And the fact that you are having to put ultrasonic rat traps in your loft just boggles my mind x
Will you be watching the Coronation? I know you were saying it would be something your mum would have liked so maybe if you are watching it you could consider her watching it with you. I’m quite lucky in the fact that my mum didn’t like Charlie (as she called him) cause she always had a soft spot for some reason for Harry 
x
Hopefully when your birthday rolls round your sister from up North and your niece/nephew will get their act together and get in touch with you. I know it’s not the same but you are not alone and very much loved.
Hope you are able to relax a little after all your gardening.
Much love 
x
@Debbie57 your garden looks amazing and a lot of work has certainly gone in to it and @Beki love all your work for the Coronation. A right community feel which is very much lacking these days xx
Love to you all and keep looking after ourselves as we deserve it xx
I do like a lot of Donatello’s stuff so that sounds amazing and a trifle jealous lol x
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a Scottish artist called Frank To but I think he’s one of my favourite modern artists and I was lucky enough to be able to afford a small piece of his and have if framed. He does a lot of his art with gunpowder…if you get the chance have a look at his work as he’s now in a gallery collection with Banksy, Basquiat etc and one of his biggest fans is Patrick Stewart ie captain Picard from Star Trek:TNG…
Hope the football goes your way 
And defo don’t let it get you down as something quite liberating about doing what you want when you want.
Chat soon x
Hi Suzanne30, I have not been bad for the last three or four days now.
I do not use much salt in the water I drink once a day. It is probably not much more salt I would usually use when eating two eggs. I do not eat any eggs at the moment, are you? Actually, I do not eat much at all at the moment. Just bread with Jam, hot crossed buns with cream, tinned rice pudding or Heinz spaghetti with sausages. The only good food I have is when my neighbour invites me for a meal.
I am not sure if the salt helps. All I know is that I am not so dizzy now. The risk of falling is probably down to a third now. Well, I am also more thirsty now and I also drink more water now.
I found on the internet: “The inner ear can be particularly affected by dehydration because it is an organ that is filled with fluid. And it is this fluid that aids our body’s equilibrium and ability to hear. Dehydration can cause many hearing related symptoms, including: Ringing in the ears or tinnitus.”
Also: "Can dehydration cause vertigo like symptoms?
If you’re dehydrated, you may start to feel dizzy. This feeling can cause you to also experience lightheadedness, wooziness, fairness and unsteadiness. You may also experience a very specific form of dizziness called vertigo."
The ringing of my left ear is also a bit better now. (Will monitor it.)
Any person with high blood pressure should not use much salt! (It was on TV the other day. That is where I go the idea from.)
I will tell you in about a week or so how I am getting on . Please remind me if I should forget.
I have similar problems looking for something. I am looking for something and it is right next to me. I though it was part of getting old (I am 70) but I think it is part of what we are going through at the moment.
I am not particularly interested in watching the Coronation but will have a look.
I usually go outside for a walk twice a day for 30-40 minutes. I will probably join the German group again on Friday. The group is for English people who want to brush up on their German. I am one of two people who talk to them in German for an hour once a week.
I spend a lot of time on the internet, talk to an old friend via Jitsi meet or cuddle my cat Tammy while watching TV.
Our road will have a little party on the green on Sunday. Everyone will bring some cake. It will be fun. - Nick
Hi Debbie,
Didn’t get a chance to get back to you yester when I got home from therapy as I took the opportunity to finish digging in the large pots and took cuttings of the honey bush ! and had the roots soaking overnight for their journey. Will post tonight to catch the first post tomorrow. Should be ok in a plastic sealed bag (from my ribbons).
Just been sitting with Porsch after she insisted she wanted to go even though it’s quite chilly. Left her wrapped in her blanket. She’s so demanding with her screaming. But it was lovely watching the little birds flitting about feeding and now using the big log in the pond to sit on to get a drink. Have lots of pics for you now I’ve planted and revamped it.
Was in the loft at 6.30 again trying to smoke the rat out. It wakes me up when the creep gets up. Not sure if it’s in the loft or running along the roof/ gutters. I did cement a little hole where part of the roof tile had come off so if that was the entry point it will be blocked. Will check it later on. Not getting much sleep at all but the hours I do get must be deep as I’m so exhausted with all the work.
Your garden really is looking splendid! Wish mine was as neat and tidy. I know how much work it takes to care for a garden. Do you try to do a bit after work? It’ll be easier in the summer with sunny and long evenings. I thought of you when I was laying my grass seed to coax a strip of lawn back. The robins were straight there looking for worms in the compost. They seem to have moved out of the buddha head where they had been nesting. Think Bud scared them off. I can’t hear any babies so hope they’ve just moved location and that nothing has happened. Great picks of your lady blackbird. It’s always thrilling to get a good snap.
Not at all surprised that your old pond is waiting to be dealt with. Hope your son will help to dismantle it. When you make a start it won’t take long. I’ve been using old compost from the pots to break down the claggy clay and create a bank effect for new planting (haven’t taken pics yet). Just hope the plants settle in before the summer heat.
Love your combo pack of pond plants. When I got my order the box was stuffed with scrunched up pages of their catalogue so I put the thing in order and it was fun trying to find my plants amongst all the others. Will add to it but I think the 8 I got make a good start. Here they are:
Also potted up lots of cress but then removed the pots and created a planted section using a large log.
The brochure gave tips on attracting various wildlife so I raided my log piles and have created lots of nooks and crannies for nesting.
I cleared the dead grasses I’d removed and instead of binning it I recycled for nesting.
I’ve lost a lot of my gravel path but it creates a better contouring, blending the pond to the path.
I just hope the frogs come back and appreciate what I’ve done!
I have pond lights now
which makes everything glow, creating drama with remote control colour changes.
It’s quite nice staying out for a bit fiddling about the pond in the dark. Don’t leave them on when I come in though.
Was inspired to be a little creative with the buddha’s in the dark. Looks like they’re under water.
My circle of buddhas in prayer have settled into their ivy corner.
I found this little guy dancing up the garden !
and he’s enjoying a new spot overlooking the pond. At least I can keep an eye on him there.
So after ‘pimping my pond’ I’m quite chuffed and just waiting for the wildlife to appear. Will add water lillies and irises too. Will be lovely to sit back in summer and watch it all take shape. I’ll be able to rest then!
Wish I was with you cutting out crowns and doing crafty things for the jubilee. My niece texted my yesterday (not sure if she’s reading my posts or it was just by chance that I heard from her ) but she has suggested swimming at the weekend. The coronation will be incredibly upsetting for me as mam would have had a big garden party to celebrate. I have her little hat from the Queens Jubilee and keep remembering being little at the street party. So not sure if I can watch it on my own. Might go swimming to avoid the upset. I feel I should watch it and mark the occasion but I’ll just end up heartbroken that mam isn’t here to see it and enjoy it. I still don’t understand why she isn’t here with me. It doesn’t make any sense. My life doesn’t make sense now.
Can’t quite believe I’ll be 53 on my birthday. Can’t imagine I’ll get any cards from my family. Certainly not from my sis or dad. Maybe a text from my sis up north. It just feels like mam was the only one who loved me. I really do feel so alone now without her. She’d be so angry and upset that I have been treated like this. I just have to take it on the chin. What else can I do?
Anyway, good luck with all the festivities. Did you watch the programme on Charles? I missed it but will catch up. I do like him and think he is a good king. He’s very kind hearted and a ‘good egg’!
Will post more pics later today. I’ve had to catagorise them as I’ve done so much work!
Going to check on Porsch in her blanket and will get cracking in the garden. Have a delivery of one trellis (and 3 posts) tomorrow. Hope it’s early so I can get it cut and painted before it rains on Friday and all next week. Hope the weather is fine for any parties. Can’t imagine there’ll be any in the street. Last time someone tried organising a street party for the Queens birthday it was cancelled when the road closure provoked outrage from party poopers! Peeps can be so very mean when they don’t want to join in.
Be back later x
Lots of love xxx
Oh Beki,
Just WOW !!! You certainly know how to put on a display! Incredible. I really love the ribbons wafting in the tree and the pole reminds me of May Pole dancing in Junior school (is that right, where it’s under and over one another so the ribbons cross and get shorter?) I was wearing a mam made boiler suit, patent leather with zips everywhere (very fashionable at the time) and I was indeed boiling hot! Thought I would explode with the heat. I was cooking from the inside out! Never wore it again for dancing. Isn’t it funny the things that spark off memory. Well done to you all. Very talented crafty ladies. Just wish I could have joined in, though I am very bossy and do like to take the lead! (think that’s why my dad and sis don’t like me). Hope you get lots of publicity. Maybe you ought to do a side line in creative events (if you could clone yourself). Really does look splendid. Crown is well proportioned, difficult to achieve on that scale. And I love the flag / C R / 2023. Is it planted / flowers? Very effective. Soz if it feels like you’re being critiqued. It’s how my mind operates when I get excited about crafts. I love detail and exploring how things work. You are a very talented lady Beki!
Just realised the C.R is pompoms? And assume the rest are too. Very creative! Love a pompom ever since mam taught me how to create them with a circle of card and a hole to pull the wool through the middle. Use them in my work because they are so very effective in creating depth and texture. Explored with torn lengths of fabric but it’s not as light as wool and so lies flat but still worth using when layering a ‘fringe’.
Babe, I have taken root cuttings for you from the honey bush (beautiful honey fragrance in summer). Let me know when you are back so you can receive it in the post as it will need a drink to recover and be potted on to form roots (hope it takes). Enjoy Cornwall with Gramps. Is it just taking him back or are you staying a bit?
Need to check on Porsch in the garden. Been up for 3 hours now and still not dressed! Saw your wonderful display and couldn’t not reply. Magnificent!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Thank you for saying I am loved! I’m dreading the Coronation and my birthday because they both mark mams absence and I imagine how we would be celebrating if she were still here. Remembering and imagining is too painful. It still doesn’t make sense that she isn’t here and no matter what I do it doesn’t make it easier. I know you said to Palou about time passing and doing things to take us away from reality. The garden does that for a brief time ( yes, 5 solid hours to tackle the tricky gap between fences but I did it!) but I always return to missing her like my heart has actually broken. I can’t get over this, being without her. I want to tell her how loved she is. I wonder if she knew because I really don’t show my emotions. It’s like I’ve bottled everything up and now I can’t stop feeling / hurting. And so I just keep going, doing the garden until I’m so knackered that I can’t do any more until the next day. It’s like a punishment. But I am looking forward to summer when all the work is done and I can faff about with my camera.
I was just saying to Debbie I might go swimming on Sat as I heard from my niece yesterday. Haven’t been for ages. Hope I can get back into it again and start seeing her regularly after work.
Glad you’ve got some time off soon. You work so very hard. Just posted pics of my pimped up pond ! to Debbie. Hope it attracts the frogs and toads I used to have. Will you be spending more time at the Loch when you’re off? It is a beautiful place to escape to.
I’m hoping to get my bike chain cleaned so I can get out on it again. Don’t seem to have a minute as there’s so much gardening to be done. Trying to get it all finished so I can get out and about when summer arrives. What are your summers like up there? When we lived up north everyone thought it was a heatwave if we got over 20 degrees! Hope it doesn’t hit the 40’s again. Everything will just frazzle.
Been trying to get dressed now for 3.5 hours (awake at 6.30 burning josh sticks and scented oils in the loft to scare the bloody rat) but keep getting pulled back in to everyone’s posts. Look out for more gardening pics later on today. I have so many that I’m trying to catch up with myself!
Actually got some honey bush roots cut and left in water overnight so will post tonight to catch the first post tomorrow. Should survive the journey. Just pop back into water to revive and then pop in compost. Hope they take. Love sun.
Will be back later. Really am aching now. Just waiting for my delivery tomorrow of the final trellis panel so I can finish my fencing. Hope I can get it cut and painted before the rain starts on Friday. I do have a sense of privacy now, even if the creep is lurking and being quiet on the other side of the fence (while I was digging in potted plants). He’s so bloody creepy, sitting in silence, assuming he thought I didn’t know he was there. What does he get out of doing that? He must know I hate him.
Anyway, chow for now babe x
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nick,
I am pleased that you will go to the Coronation do and that you’re looking forward to it. Grief is so very isolating and if we can escape for even a short time it brings some relief and carries us forward on our journey. I might go swimming with my niece but haven’t decided yet. It will be so upsetting for me to not have mam here to enjoy it with and I imagine the party and dressing up that would have been if she was still here. I’ll get her little Jubilee hat out from the last garden party we had. I made a monstrous Mad Hatters Tea Party creation! Always so over the top. Imagining the fun we would have just makes me incredibly sad. But I feel that I should watch and mark the occasion.
You mention about being being hydrated and if not it causing problems with the inner ear. My sis had grommits fitted as she was so dizzy and couldn’t walk or drive (so couldn’t go to work). She seems better now. I drink lots of filtered water. Very refreshing cold from the fridge.
I think it’s fab that you’re teaching peeps to speak German. I always preferred German to French. I liked the sound of the long words.
Going out for 2 walks a day will certainly cut the day into easier chunks.
Have you considered making your own veg soup? I bought a soup maker and get loads of frozen veg (add turmeric powder and stock cubes) to make batches which I freeze in tupperware. It’s easy to make that my base diet, heating up in the microwave for a couple of minutes. I add chunks of cheese or ham. Very tasty with a crust of chunky bread. I get in late from the garden most days (9 pm sometimes) and so I grab a bowl of soup after my bath with tv before bed. Works a treat. And if I have a treat (burger and crisps) on my shopping day I don’t feel so guilty. I’ve become so health conscious since mam.
Have you seen my garden pics I posted to Debbie? Have lots more to post later today. Trying to catch up as I have so many! Will be glad when I can just sit and rest and enjoy what I have created.
See you later hun and enjoy your walks. Looking forward to seeing some pics x
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nick,
I was just reading your post about drinking salt water. I have high blood pressure so that’s not something I would try.
I have vertigo and tinnitus had it for years. Had loads of tests and theories as to what is causing it, from crystal build up in the ears, fluid imbalance, and even menieres.
Touch wood only had full blown vertigo about half a dozen times. Not very pleasant always throw up even with the anti sickness pills from my GP.
Just had a MRI scan to see if I have arthritis in my neck waiting for the results of that one.
Mostly it manifests itself as feeling slightly dizzy off balance and swerving and tilting to one side.
Unfortunately it’s something I have passed onto my daughter she suffers too.
Just read a very interesting article on patient access, which now acknowledges it could be stress and anxiety that cause it. That explains alot.
I know when the spinning happens it can be very frightening, and I feel more vulnerable now Doug is not here.
But I just have to learn to live with it, and be very cautious how I move around.
I very rarely drink alcohol, I say to people who say go on have a drink. I can get the room to spin without too much to drink so I just avoid it.
I hope the dizziness calms itself for you Nick.
Iove Debbie x
Hi Christine,
Love the photos, I like your two pink flamingos hiding amongst the plants. The pond is looking good, and you have a good selection of plants. Mine arrived today, just planted them and popped in the pond. The water lilly I planted last week is growing which I’m pleased about .
My daughter came round today and we filled 23 bags with compost from the old pond, she wants it to level the area they a turfing in her garden. Her car springs were complaining with all that weight, she made it home safe. Another good job done, I took all the bulbs out yesterday and drying to replant this autumn.
Now it’s my son’s turn to help me dismantle the wooden frame, he wants the wood.
I decided to put up bunting, went and picked some up from my newsagents, Doug would have wanted to do it.
Really pleased with my bluebells out the front.
I’m pleased your niece has been in contact to go swimming. I hope you family don’t ignore your birthday.
I will watch the coronation on Saturday, but understand you not looking forward to this weekend missing your mum organising a family party that you would have all enjoyed together. The memories will always be with you and very special.
I’m reminded of the 75th anniversary of VE Day 2020 when all the neighbours sat in their own front gardens with an afternoon tea to celebrate. That was the last summer for Doug, never guessed I was going to loose him the following spring.
I will look out for the honey bush cutting, thank you.
I must tell you my granddaughter that dances has just had her marks for dance practical exam, she did very well, she got 74 out of 80, very proud grandma.
Must go I have a couple of jobs to do before bed.
Speak to you soon
Love Debbie xx
Hi Debbie,
So relieved you’re here after the day I’ve had. Got my bamboo rolls unexpectedly early and so wanted to get them painted today before my trellis arrives tomorrow so I can paint that and the posts before rain on Friday. I did get it finished but had to endure the creep making a racket with his power tools (trimming hedges) for hours. My ocd drives me to finish the painting and because I knew where he was and what he was doing I was able to keep going. But it is so incredibly stressful. I’m always waiting for him to be spying on me as he has always done since he moved in years ago. Not to mention the ongoing trauma of the loft. It’s because he’s got away with what he’s done to me and behaves like he’s normal in front of other neighbours, believing his version of events, like I’m the liar. I have the physical evidence of what he did and the council believed me but couldn’t take action against him because I didn’t have cameras in my loft (who does that?) I have nobody on my side and he knows it. How can he have no conscience at all? He was parading round the street like he owned it. And he always checks that the cameras are still there. I have another 2 to put up but haven’t got round to it yet. I don’t know who he is and what he is capable of. I’m scared living here alone because I don’t trust him and don’t know why he did what he did in the first place. Sometimes I hope he will do something to me just so I can prove that he is a predator. Soz Debbie, I just needed to tell someone because I can’t phone my mam.
Very well done clearing your old pond. Amazed it was so many bags of compost. Having it all taken away makes the job so much easier and I bet your daughter was chuffed to bits. Your son will take the structure apart in no time at all and what was a bit of a dilemma has become a straight forward job. You must be feeling quite relieved to have got done what you have. Looking forward to pics of your new pond planted up. It will soon thrive with summer on the way.
Your lovely bluebells remind me of the front garden at the old house. They thrived and seemed to last for ages. I was quite upset to find bulbs had gone to mush in a planter because it wasn’t draining even though there was holes drilled into the bottom. I’d brought them from the old house when my parents moved. I wish they hadn’t. I could have sat in the garden and felt close to mam. I have nowhere to go to be near her. I miss her so much. Remembering things just makes me even sadder that mam will never have any more parties. And neither will I. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life like this. It’s unbearable. How do you keep going every day, missing Doug the way you do? Do you really believe that we are just waiting until we can meet them again? Because if it’s not true I have nothing at all to keep going for.
I think I’ll watch the coronation on Sat and go swimming Sunday. I don’t want to miss it, especially because it is Charles. He’s waited a whole lifetime to be King. I’ll be watching it for mam too. I don’t have bunting (mam would have decorated the garden with bunting and had the gazebo up and decorated) but I do have my garden angels which I redid to go all around the garden. They dance in the breeze and it reminds me of how mam loved to dance. Here they are. From table,
along the big pond and through the arch to the fairies,
Here’s a view looking back down the garden.
From the fairies we travel along to the small pond
and down the lawn, back to the patio (pic viewed up the garden).
It really does look like the angels are dancing.
I created mam too. She is watching over the little robins nest in the buddha head, though I think they’ve abandoned it now. Hope they’ve found somewhere else.
I can see mam when I’m doing my dishes and popping in and out the kitchen. She is always near me but I miss her so very much. I really don’t know how I keep going. But I do.
I thought of you when I seeded the lawn. My little robin was straight there looking for worms in the compost.
Love this one on the bird feeding area.
I finally found a use for the old bench arms and I’ll attach the back to one post (not long enough to reach both).
I’ve even thought about getting a bench for mam for my garden so I can sit with her. I just want her to come back. Do you think I’m being punished for not being good enough? Why didn’t mam tell me how hard this would be? I wish we had time to chat before she left. I could have told her how much I loved her.
You are such a lovely Grandma Debbie. You’d be proud of all your grandchildren whatever they did or didn’t do. Mam always told me that my best was always good enough. But it was never good enough for me. I miss mam telling me that I’ve done enough and to stop. Your granddaughter must be chuffed to bits with her performance score. She is very talented. I hope she enjoys it. I loved ballet. I was the only one in my class to do the splits on one leg and rotate onto the other. Double jointed. Wish I’d kept it up but I started gymnastics and loved that so it took over.
Think I’m very exhausted. I just keep pushing because when I’m doing the garden I’m putting off thinking of mam dying. I can’t imagine anything worse than this. I know the sadness has been building up again and now I can’t stop it. Don’t think I’ll be able to go swimming like this.
Glad I managed to get to the post box with the cuttings. Hope they survive the journey. I didn’t pay enough attention when mam was doing stuff like that. I just thought she’d always be here and I wouldn’t have to remember myself. I just didn’t know it would happen.
Porsch is wanting me, probably for treats. She’s purring. Think she knows I’m upset and is trying to comfort me. She has one paw on my knee and is watching me. Don’t know how I’ll get out of bed when she dies. I still check she’s breathing in her sleep.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine.
I was going to go to bed but thought I’d pop here to see what was going on and how everyone is. I read one of the lines in your post about flushing out the rat or something in your loft and for a tiny split second I thought it was the two-legged rat you was talking about. I’m sure my brain isn’t wired correctly. Photo’s as ever are fabulous. How you don’t collapse in a heap is beyond me. I’d do anything to have a bit of fitness back although pretty much of it is my own fault through lifestyle choices. Self-care seems to have gone west over these 12 months and I stuff my face full of some utter rubbish. I’ve been told I’m now pre-diabetic again so it’s that’s my payback at the moment. I have to go to the hospital in the morning for a mammogram. I’ve not been back to that hospital since “that day” so under the surface I think that’s got to me. Plus I’m thinking back to the last time I had to go, before the worst started to happen with Mum. I really feel what you mean when you talk about certain things. It’s just as if it’s come from my own mind. I just can’t find a place of “emotional peace” about things and feel as you describe “detached” from life in general.
Just reading what you say about the Coronation. I’m not a Royalist but it’s historical so will watch it. Don’t know if I’ll see another in my lifetime. But it will feel a bit hollow.
No Christine, you aren’t being “punished” for “thinking” you weren’t good enough for your Mam. I say “thinking” because it’s more than obvious you were good enough. The very fact you are so hard on yourself is proof you were indeed more than good enough. Try not to worry yourself with those thoughts, of course, easier said than done.
I’m angry for you that the creep is such a low-life to you. They have the knack of presenting two faces to the world and are exceptionally convincing to people who don’t know them that well. I hope he is at work tomorrow and you get a bit of freedom.
Thanks for all the pictures you share, they really do brighten up the day.
Have a peaceful sleep if possible.
Much love xx