Hi Tina,
You are very welcome. I just hope it takes. When I was planting the honey bushes I’d saved the last box as it looked like it was the most mature one but it turned out to be lots of smaller ones rather than one big bushy one. So the roots weren’t as good as I’d hoped. Fingers crossed they take.
I was just saying to Neil I got lots done again yesterday (between showers) so really making a dent in the jobs. Another post up and fixed and the trellis cut into 3 parts (with extra bits added to create the size needed). I’ve created a bench with the palette and will add to it when I get my other stones delivery. It’s for the top bit at the brolly where I can sit and look down the garden rather than up. My fingers are aching and feet puffed up. Feeling my age! Had to order a load more compost and will need larger tubs for my plant delivery (rose bushes, bamboos, shade loving plants) to go along the new trellis area where the soil is root bound and so not much can be planted. Just hope it all takes well after all this work.
Looking forward to your Tik Tok posting. I’ll post my pics later on as I’m still in bed and must get up so I don’t miss the coronation. Have deliberately not got anything special in to eat and will be doing my fishtank today so I can focus on something while it is all happening. Otherwise I’d be in floods of tears for mam. I just think it’s so very sad that she is missing today. She would have had a party in the garden and we would have dressed up and everyone would be there and I’d still be part of the family.
My niece cancelled the swimming this weekend. She went to see her boyfriend and didn’t tell me it wasn’t happening. I only found out when I asked if we could go Sunday so I could watch the coronation. She’s working a full on full week and so doesn’t have any free time apart from weekends when she will be seeing the boyfriend. I suggested meeting during her lunchtime but haven’t had a reply. I feel so very alone again. When I hear from her it sparks some hope that everything is ok. I wonder what I will do when I’m finished the garden and have nothing to do. I suppose I’ll pick up my textiles again.
Well done for getting your mammo. I was thinking of you. It’s never pleasant. I have a smear test coming up and that is the worst! But better to just do it and then it’s done. Having already had cancer I’m more prone to getting another type in the future.
Well done too for popping into all those shops. That’s my worst nightmare! I miss the excitement of preparing for a party, getting dressed up and arriving with mam full of busy preparing food and dashing about. I was always in charge of filling bowls and taking food out, laying the table, organising everyone. I miss her so much Tina. I’m trying not to be upset but it doesn’t make any sense that she’s not here. Soz. I know it will be hard for everyone. Our mams grew up with the royals from being children and so every big occasion was an event to be celebrated. I’m watching today for mam and will post on her tribute site. Maybe’s take pics of the telly as it happens so I can show her what she’s missing.
The creep has been lurking for ages as I’m in my bedroom with the light on. He always hangs about his van when I’m still in bed. Noyt that he can see anything because the curtains are closed. But he’ll know I can hear him and that he bloody annoys me. Just his presence is enough to make my skin crawl!
Must google todays events so I can be ready to watch it all. Will pop back later with garden pics!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie, Your honey tip would be something mam would have known, and if not, been eager to try. Hope it works and if not I’ll try again in Autumn. Glad you liked the SWALK (sealed with a loving kiss). Always do that to seal the envelope.
You’ll see from my postings to Neil and Tina I was hard at work again yesterday and will have pics later to post.
Enjoy the coronation today with your family. I’m trying not to get upset but I know I will be. Will try photographing the tv to post on mams tribute site for her and failing that I’m sure there’ll be great pics online to copy.
Can’t remember where you said you’d be for today but enjoy it and I hope the rain isn’t a total washout for parties. Mam would have been doing a garden party under big umbrellas and we’d be all dressed up and full of party cheer. I miss the excitement of dashing over and getting stuck into helping set up. I haven’t heard from anyone so don’t know what they are doing, if anything. Not swimming either as my niece cancelled as she’s with her boyfriend. I only found out when I wanted to book for Sunday so I could watch the coronation today.
Going to clean my fishtank so I’m not just sitting crying all day.
Enjoy today x
Lots of love xxx
That is beautiful. Will certainly try something like that, or maybe’s do strings of glass beads to hang from the trees. Was seeing lots of rainbows everywhere yesterday when I was topping up the pond and watering plants.
xxx
Hi Christine
Sorry to read about your niece. Hope you will still be able to see her.
Watching some of the Coronation. Trouble is the BBC ram it all down our throats with multiple programmes wall to wall coverage over the weekend. Obviously nice to watch some of it for the first time in our lifetime but we will see this again when William becomes king.
Glad that sport carries on and will watch the horse racing at Newmarket this afternoon and the football tomorrow.
That roof garden is 15 floors up and the Sky Garden next to it is 35 floors- that is inside with a restaurant however.
Looking forward to seeing two of the Royal Ballet performing at the coronation concert. Just had an email from my cousin in Australia and we have confirmed to meet up in London on 19th Jun, will take in an attraction, go for dinner and looks very much like we will be seeing Moulin Rouge at the theatre in the evening. Just been advising them on the most suitable seats.
Something else to look forward to next month.
Hope by watching events today you wont get too upset and think of your Mum watching it and loving it as mine would. Jubilee and the funeral last year I got upset as thinking of Mum but not yet so far today.
Have a peaceful weekend
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I’m so exhausted watching the coronation and I’m glad it’s done because I felt I had to watch it for mam. Got a bit upset throughout but also enjoyed it because I like Charles and Camilla. Took pics of the tv throughout so lots to post for those who want to see the highlights. I did it for mam so I can post on her tribute site. I’m truly heartbroken that she’s not here to see it. I do a lot of things for her that I never had any interest in before. I suppose I feel closer to her doing that.
Pleased you’ve got sport to look forward to. I was very upset when my niece arranged to go swimming and then didn’t tell me it wouldn’t be happening. I really need to try going myself again and build into a routine, especially with the summer coming up when I’ll be finished my big gardening jobs.
It’s going to be lovely and warm tomorrow so hope to get out there even if it is just to sit with Porsch. Still haven’t got the fishtank cleaned so that’s my next task. Always a relief to get it done.
Enjoy your ballet and that’s fab news to be meeting up with your cousin. Another thing to look forward to. You really do have a very cultured lifestyle. I’m well jel! Can’t quite believe we’re nearly into June.
I’ll pop back again with my pics after I’ve trawled through them all. I really could just go to sleep.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
I not with my family today, my daughter and family have gone camping 
and yes it’s pouring down with rain 
here too. My son not sure what he’s up to but his car is in the garage until Tuesday so has no transport.
I’ve watched the coronation 
on my own, sad that Doug wasn’t here to witness it. He would have loved watching the military and listening to the band music.
Speaking of music one of the violinist’s in the Abbey today, played the violin at our daughter’s wedding during the signing of the register.
I like people spotting, see who I know that’s famous or even infamous. I really enjoyed the ceremony and glad to see Charles happy with Camellia, I’ve always thought he should have been allowed to marry her from the beginning and all the sad unhappy Diana episode would have never happened. If only we could all see into the future and be wise after the event.
Ironically it was watching the film after Tangled that reduced me to tears, happy endings in films do that, because life is never the same.
Sorry being a bit philosophical now.
Anyway I’m okay being on my own today, yesterday was extra busy with work, food shopping and messy church. So it’s nice to have a quiet relaxing day, haven’t done anything apart from watching TV and getting lunch.
Tomorrow after church 
our close in getting together in our community room to have Sunday dinner and on Monday which is also my son’s 38th birthday we are having a big lunch at my church. Everyone bring a plate of savoury or sweet food and we share. Going to have a quizz and sing song too.
Sorry your niece can’t go swimming tomorrow, I hope you can both go soon. I like Tina’s name for your neighbour Roland Rat it made me smile, let’s hope he crawls back to somewhere else and give you some peace.
Just want to say hi to everyone else, I hope coronation day has been kind to you all.
Sending love Debbie xx
Hi Debbie,
I think with the weather putting people off having outdoor parties it was easier for me to cope today and I was happy for Charles and agree that he should have married Camilla all those years ago. They’ve loved each other forever. It was lovely watching them together on the balcony. I was focused on getting pics for mam so I can post on her tribute site but am so exhausted I’ll do it tomorrow. Just done the fishtank which is a massive 2 hour job of carting buckets of dirty water to the bath with clean water going in with the hose. Now have to clean the bathroom and floors so I still have all of that to do. And I have my new plants being delivered any time.
Your poor daughter going camping in this! But it will be lovely tomorrow (about 21 degrees sunshine) and rain after that most of the week. I feel for your son without his car. Or maybe it’s a good excuse to not have to go anywhere and just relax.
It is incredibly upsetting thinking of mam missing today. She would have loved it, especially all the costume and bands. Lets hope mam and Doug and everyone’s loved ones are up there with the Queen watching it all!
How lovely to have had a violinist (and now a famous one!) during the signing of your daughters wedding. Not having got married is just another thing I didn’t manage to do in life to make mam proud of me. I would have worn her wedding dress that she made by hand. I have it in the loft for safe keeping.
Enjoy your church do tomorrow. It will be sunny and warm, even if you are inside you’ll still enjoy it. And I hope everything goes well for your son’s birthday. Wish I was 38 again!
Will pop in tomorrow with updates on my garden as I’m still catching up with all the pics I’ve taken. Hope the creep goes out but I doubt it. He’s been very quiet with the rain.
Lucky girl with all your parties coming up. Enjoy them ! Looking forward to hearing all about it.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine
I was wondering how you’d be after the Coronation. I watched about an hour of it. It felt surreal in a way. I kept expecting to see the Queen and also watching a lifetime event without Mum I found to be upsetting. I didn’t watch all the to-ing and fro-ing of the guests.
I did a bit in the garden yesterday. I can’t do much because Zoe needs watching like a toddler that’s had too many E-numbers in her breakfast. He has a shed for his motorbike and when I went in yesterday it looked like she had been planning the great escape as she’d gone through the floor and burrowed a huge hole in the soil so I had all that to fill in. I’m a bit wary of her now because at least five times she has instantly changed temperament and tried to bite me. I did manage to do some. As I mentioned I planted your cutting and I put a load of new lights up I bought in the sale last year. I may see if I can do more today as it’s already really nice out.
I can hear next door in his garden and as much as I try I never really feel at ease unless he’s out at work.
Sorry your plans are a bit unpredictable with your Niece. It must make plans a lot harder to stick to. Are they your only Niece and Nephew Christine, I don’t recall you speaking of anyone else.
Well I’ve gone on for a quite a bit but said not a lot! I have just had to remind myself that it’s Sunday and not Monday. Tomorrow I’ll be thinking it’s Tuesday!
Give Porsche a big stroke from me!
Lots of love xx
Hi Neil
I was fascinated to hear of the details of those buildings to Christine. I was looking at the pictures and they are spectacular. Is the tall one all glass. It’s mesmerising the skill involved because all those buildings have to sit nestled between all the other buildings too. I understand they are commercial buildings but I think in time history will come full circle and we’ll be back to building “tower blocks” for people to live in due to ground space for housing simply running out.
You have an exciting schedule ahead Neil, good on you. You must be so excited to see your Brother in the Summer. My Husbands Daughter emigrated to Oz. So did his Brother and my Nephew is also in Oz. It’s weird that it’s so far away yet probably full of people we’d probably recognise! Do you never feel like going over there yourself to spend time with him. Imagine the theatre opportunities!
You are right about the wall-to-wall coverage of the Coronation. There’s a fine line between coverage and overkill. At least as you say, there will still be the sport!
Have a good day Neil
Lots of love xx
Hi Nick and Palou
Hope you are both doing well. The pictures are great Nick. Thinking about photography it kind of makes me sad a bit because these days the art of photography lies in the after-shot, ie the “doctoring” of the photo and not the skill and knowledge to know how to actually take it in the first place. Also, all the press photographers that spent years leaning their craft and yet all you need today is your smartphone and a knack of being in the right place at the right time!
How are you today as well Palou? Do you have something nice happening. I should really go for a walk, the exercise would do me good but motivation to just walk without an end goal isn’t very high. If I have a destination or purpose to the walk I’d do better. I did walk roughly 5 miles one day but my knees certainly suffered for it!
Take care of yourselves
Lots of love xx
Hi Tina
The large building , Sky Garden , also known as the ’ Walkie Talkie building’ has a whopping 35 floors ( so hope the lift doesnt get stuck!). Its free to see the views of London and has a restaurant too. You have to book up several weeks in advance though! Lucky with the weather as it was lovely and sunny.
It is actually my cousin in Oz as I dont have brothers or sisters, and was emailed early this morning that the musical Moulin Rouge has all been booked for next month. We also plan to go to Westminster Abbey, I recommended it as I think this will be their last trip over here as my cousins husband has early onset of Parkinsons. Will be emotional as will be reminiscing about Mum and Dad and will be tears flowing . Also happiness as we make great memories that we can look back on.
Coronation concert later . Football scheduled for the ridiculous time of 7pm to satisfy TV schedules. No thought towards the fans who travel.
Hope you can have a peaceful rest of the bank holiday. Catch up soon.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Pleased to see you here. I was awake at 4 and popped on but didn’t post as everyone was asleep like I should have been. Porsch wanted feeding so it wasn’t a back to bed thing. So I’m up late and realised the creep is out and if I’d got up earlier I could have been doing my trellis now. The garden is really soaking but it is meant to be lovely and sunny today.
Yes, watching the coronation was upsetting throughout knowing mam was missing it and I was imagining the party we would have had and I would have been part of the family still. I have another nephew in his early twenties but he works a lot and has a girlfriend so I haven’t seen him since getting garden stuff from my sisters house before the actual move last year. And now my niece is working full time and has a boyfriend it’s incredibly hard trying to plan anything. I did text saying about meeting in the park for her lunch break and maybe’s swimming after work and I’ll drop her back home. I do worry about leaving my house empty with the buggars I’m surrounded by. I feel so incredibly vulnerable. I’m trapped and alone. I heard comments the other day about how bullying hasn’t got me to leave! These are grown adults. And I was here before any of them. I wonder how much energy I have left when I have to brave it out every day just to be in my garden. And my one friend doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday when I asked him what date it was because I’d ordered a pressie (Reiki stones) and isn’t giving me the two stones he promised for finishing my step (trivial but annoying because they are the perfect size). My sis up north doesn’t bother with me and takes ages to get back to me with a text. She has grown kids but they are up north too. I’m so isolated in meeting people because of my agoraphobia but also because of mam. I always felt like I would burst into tears when I was swimming and so avoided speaking to anyone. I really don’t know how people get through life being alone and happy. I’m busy to get through the day.
It’s really worrying the way Zoe is towards you now with the biting. I just hope she doesn’t turn on you one day. I do worry about you.
Well done for getting out in the garden again. Would love to see the lights. I still have to wire 4 fence lights but need to watch you tube to see how. We have lots of rain coming up so plenty of time to do it.
Had my bush roses delivered late last night so had to unpeel all the wrapping and stick them in a bucket of water overnight and will plant in pots today. Still have a few plants to dig in the garden but can imagine the mud bath! Thinking of doing a little strip of lawn to get to the top pond area. It’s amazing seeing the garden bursting with life and the trees starting to green up again:
So pleased I got plants steaked before they get too big:
My naughty fox has been in my potted tulips and pooped everywhere so I had to cage them to protect them. They’re looking rather splendid!
![DSCN9851|666x500]
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Pansies are still looking fine.
and my little yellow tetts
Looking around the garden after losing so many new plants last year is inspiring as new roses have survived and established are thriving:
Ferns are growing by the day
and little hostas are just starting to make an appearance.
Thrilled to see my tall purples (can’t remember the name) have survived the winter
and I have one rhubarb in the fairy bathtub (mulched with compost and the debris from clearing the gutters).
Figs are returning and now have tiny little fruits
but my passion flower is looking very sorry for itself, having been shredded for nesting birds. Hope it comes back.
I do have climbing roses scrambling through trees to take hold so that will be lovely in summer when they are in bloom.
My clematis has loads of buds now
and it’s lovely to see new babies forming on the purple tree.
My leafy plant is looking great with it’s bold structure.
Loving the colour combos coming through with red against purple,
red and green,
lime, green, purple and brown.
I discovered a new burrow. Just hope it’s not a rat!
Hope the beetles coming out to play don’t devour new buds.
Now I’ve caught up with my Spring photos I can start on May! I had a backlog to post as there were so many taken and I’d been so busy, getting in late and not keeping up as I like to do.
Hope to get out there today and get something done. Need to plant my roses and hope to crack on with a trellis while it’s not raining.
Here’s the little princess. If she’s not sunning herself on a deckchair she’s having mooch or sleeping in her drawer.
Feeling quite exhausted but need to get on and get things finished. If only I could clone myself!
Will have pics of my little houses from tother day. Pop back again later xxx
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina19, photography has changed a lot. The cameras are much better now. I used to get a new camera every 2 to 3 years and my brother did get the older one. - The cameras are so good now that most of the photos do not need much adjusting. Perhaps the contrast setting. You re right, you have to know how to actually take the photo in the first place. My brother often had the better spot from where to take the photos. And, of course you have to anticipate what happens next. Or you just take many shots like the press photographers do. My brother took a fantastic shot at Kentwell. I took the the same shot just 5 to 10 seconds later, but it was too late, they had moved by then. (I will try to find that photos some time.) - Having a good smartphone is the key now. We have a camera with us all the time. - (You will remember the case May 25 2020, where the police officer Derek Chauvin did put his knee on the neck Black man named George Floyd for more than eight minutes.) - Do you use your phone or a digital camera? - My brother used to adjust most of our photos. I am the lazy one, I just adjust the contrast, the brightness and crop the photo if needed. (Well, we added extra colour to our Tudor photos.) - You can have look here: Kentwell Hall / Tudor Events | England's-Heritage Photos
Take care of yourself, - Nick
Hi everyone 
Just caught up with everyone and seem to have missed quite a bit x just been super hectic and mad last week but now on a few days holiday so can relax a bit now.
@christine51 sorry to hear you niece has let you down again. I get she is working full time and has a boyfriend etc but that is no excuse for repeatedly letting you down especially as she is aware of your personal circumstances . That is where I am lucky (if that’s the word lol) that I work with one of mine but she drives me up the wall at times 
x I actually hate having her in the car with me as she constantly complains about my music being too loud so I just sign to her too lol…I am a bad auntie at times x
Your garden just looks so amazing and I was going to buy some new edging but it’ll have to wait as can be so expensive x
Just had an email from the Ranger up at the Loch asking if I can stay back a bit after my shift on Sat because apparently Michael Portillo is coming up on Sat with a camera crew….I will be hiding lol x
Nice to see your wee fox fertilising your plants for you lol but fixes stink like hell so how do you get rid of the smell? The first of the chicks up the Loch should start hatching this week so all very exciting and was very grateful to be up there last week so I could avoid the whole Coronation nonsense…managed to not see any of it and I’m good with that. I know you said you watched it cause of your mum and do hope you enjoyed it for yourself too.
I’ll post a couple of photos from the Loch at the end but until now take care and will catch up soon 
x
@NEILB72 that is lovely to hear that you will be catching up with your cousin in June. Yes it’ll be bittersweet but hoping the laughter and joy of reminiscing will outweigh the sadness which will inevitably be lurking. However a nice day out, good food, conversation and a trip to the theatre sounds like just a fantastic day out. As always just mind lots of photos x
I’m going to see if my friend will go to the ‘walkie talkie’ with me as sounds like something different to experience. Have followed a couple of people on TikTok that show you different places off the tourist track to visit in London that are free or cheap and so far seem quite a few things like a free zoo in some park etc. if you’re on TikTok have a wee look.
I’m off down to Glastonbury tomorrow for a couple of days that were postponed from end of March and very much looking forward to it. Luckily my niece is looking after the rabbits so house won’t be empty and Cal is at the cattery until Friday so very peaceful x
What are you up to this week? When’s your next show? I’m sorry if you’ve already said as I may have missed a comment x
Look forward to hearing from,
Take care and much love 
x
@Palou and @Nick22…how are you both doing? Hope your weather is better than mine in your respective parts of the country x it’s just crappy up here but it’s still mild which is annoying cause you either freeze and get wet or stay dry and boil x
Met my youngest niece in town today and she doesn’t know that I know that a friend of hers bought a tattoo gun off eBay and gave her two absolutely 
tattoos which she will 100% regret in the not too distant future and she’s also not 18 until July….don’t understand why she couldn’t wait a couple of months but I’m just old x. Sorry to put you both in the same comment but only have one lot of gossip left x
I do hope you both are keeping well and look forward to hearing from you x
Hi Suzanne
Fantastic photos . Love seeing animals and birds. Hope you have a great time when you come down to Glastonbury . Weather supposed to be quite warm this week , hopefully!
So many great places to visit in London for free and loads I’m only just discovering too!
Next show is Harry Potter and the Cursed Child a week Wednesday . Seeing both parts in one day so an epic theatre day!
Saw some of the Coronation concert yesterday evening ( with the sound down as I was listening to West Ham beat Man Utd ) and really enjoyed Francesca and Marcelino from the Royal Ballet. The rest of the show didnt really look that great.
Anyway have a good time in Glastonbury and speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Suzanne, Beautiful pics, as always! My fave are the deer by the road. Looks like they’re kissing! Atmospheric with the mist.
Did you get your root of honey bush? I sent it last week sometime. Just stick in water and then compost. Haven’t done root cuttings before as mam always did that sort of thing.
Can’t believe your Glastonbury is here already. Hope Cal is ok in the cattery. Porsch would never forgive me! It must be great working with your niece if you get on well. I heard from mine today and we’ll meet up for lunch during the week, even if we just sit in the car for a catch up if it’s raining. I’m pleased you see it from my point of view about being on my own and nobody caring at all. Didn’t hear from anyone over the coronation. Surely they’d know how upset I was, thinking if mam. How can I have belonged to a family that now behave like I’ve never existed? I still don’t get it. I keep telling myself not to be sensitive and that everyone is busy and I’m on my own. But if there was someone like me in the family I would have made sure that I supported them and kept regular contact. Apart from me being myself I really don’t deserve what has happened to me. Being told I’m ‘too much’ doesn’t explain it. I’m dreading my birthday as it will be a huge reminder that I am so unloved and uncared for. Mam kept telling me how strong I am as a person. If I wasn’t me I wonder how long I would have lasted. Soz, I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer but it’s always there.
I haven’t long been in from the garden again. Got a big compost delivery and have been potting roses, preparing wall planters for ivy and generally fiddling about ! in a productive way. Got mams old bench fixed and secured to the bird feeding area. Can’t post pics as waiting for batteries to charge, but I will. Tackled the fence post again and will have to dig out the 2 bloody spikes that aren’t letting me put the post in. After all the work I’ve done it’s so frustrating to not get the last bit done. Will use some of my cement in a hole if I can’t do the spike again. Totally enraged! So I came in.
Have you thought about using recycled things in an imaginative way? Edging can be created through random bricks that you find, plant pots, layering panels of wood to create a plinth for pots to sit on. Post a pic to let me see the space you want to do. I love recycling, as you all know! Have you looked at the pound shop for plastic edging? They used to have an amazing range of gardening things but I haven’t been for years.
Wow! Hope you’re on tv up the Loch doing your thing with the badgers! I’ll be watching if it is on so let us know. I would certainly hide! Will be so lovely to see the little chicks. I was extremely annoyed with the fox. Had to take the leaves off my beautiful tulips (very chuffed as I’ve never grown them before) and then wire off the entire area, adding bamboo stakes too. Had to do the same with my potted roses today. I do love wildlife but it can be very destructive after all my hard work.
Still haven’t managed to post about the coronation on mams tribute site. It’s always so very upsetting, seeing her smiling at me in all the pics. I did enjoy watching it all, especially the concert on the Sunday, but then quite suddenly I kept getting so upset, knowing mam would have loved it and is missing it all. I still don’t understand how she can’t be here. If I knew where she was I’d be able to have some kind of peace. Would still miss her intensely but wouldn’t have this overbearing sense of having failed her throughout my life, of having never been enough, or too much, or just not right, to have caused her so much worry and upset, to have always been the one causing a fuss. I am constantly questioning why I am me. If only I wasn’t. If I wasn’t me I might not always be remembering things and wishing I was someone else. If she would come back again I would promise to not be me. I would be whoever she wanted me to be. I wouldn’t be me again. My sister said I have no filter. Whatever I am thinking comes out before I can stop it. I just want it all to stop. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being alone and being hated by my family. I don’t even know if my niece wants to see me. I’ll ask her and if she doesn’t want to see me any more I’ll accept that. I thought she loved me and enjoyed it when we spent time together. I can’t bear the thought of a lifetime of being completely alone. I’m terrified my therapist will die and leave me like mam did. Think I need a big sleep. Trying to keep going every day is relentless when I’m not sleeping through.
Soz Suzanne, wasn’t expecting all that to come out. I’m just very aware that I am not thought about by my family at all. I don’t deserve it. I haven’t done anything to deserve it. I don’t understand what has happened. How can my whole life explode because mam isn’t here? My sister said she was free and I didn’t know what that meant because she wouldn’t explain it. I think she is free of me.
Enjoy the good bits when they happen because they are so precious. Enjoy your Loch and looking forward to all the pics.
Lots of love xxx
Just read your post to Neil and realised you’re going to Glastonbury and I’m wittering on about how I feel. Soz babe. Have a fandabbytastic time! Hope the rain isn’t too much. Thunderstorms and torrential rain for me tomorrow on my way to therapy. Love a storm.
Lots of love babe xxx
Hiya
No I haven’t had any post in a week so haven’t received the cutting yet but also waiting on a cd that should have arrived within 48hrs and that was posted on the 1st May. I did say to the company and again it’s Royal Mail and if not here within 3-5 days get in touch….eh that’s why I did cause it wasn’t 
x
Yeah working with my niece can be challenging cause she sometimes crosses the line between auntie and manager and then goes all huffy when she’s told off…I try not putting her on my shifts bit nice to hear your niece has got in touch and you’re going to catch up x any time spent together is amazing x
I’ve thought about the statement your sister made of ‘being free’ quite a bit cause I remember you saying it a while back. I will never and can never justify how she has treated you but I’m not sure if she’s meaning it literally when she says it as regards you mum. What I take from it is that although she never regretted or resented anything she did and needed to do for your mum her obligations (for want of a better word) are no more and although she (like you) still miss her greatly she is ‘free’ to live the next part of her life and reinvent herself for the next chapter and you know what I get that 100%….I literally would sell my soul for even one more hour with my mum but as hard as that is to comprehend it’s not going to happen. Remain true and genuine to yourself then you can’t go wrong and I believe you to be one of the most genuine people I have ever ‘met’ x
Your birthday Will hopefully pass without any further sadness but we’ll all be here x
One thing that I have taken from my mum and I never understood it until she was gone is that the only way to lessen loneliness is to be comfortable with your own self and enjoy your own company and I am getting better so hoping you start to like your own company rather than tolerating it x you so deserve to have the company and respect from your family you want.
Not meaning that all judgy and preachy but just seemed to come out lol x
The cameras on Saturday is during my Osprey Watch shift so no badgers 
then maybe they will become star struck x
I’ll let you know when I get down to Glastonbury even if the weather is rubbish x
You are worth respect, love and loyalty so don’t expect anything less for fear of being lonely x
Have a great night and chat tomorrow x
Hi Neil,
Oh not long then til Happy Potter…how long is it then with both episodes at once? It is one i want to see but will wait and see if I can get a cheaper ticket like yourself x
I laughed at the thought of you listening to the football over the concert…a very bloke thing to do (pardon the stereotyping lol) x
I too have heard that on the whole the concert wasn’t too good and a lot of folk were singing off key so can’t help but wonder if it was the equipment or not as I’m not a fan of Take That but usually they do put on a good show x
Anyway I hope you keep busy over the next couple of days and will chat when I’m down Somerset way.
Until then take care and much love and thanks to you and Christine for your lovely comments about my photos x
Hi Suzanne,.
I know I’m searching for answers I’ll never get and know that the family I had I never really understood or got on with except for mam. So why would they want to be nice to me now that mam’s not here to see it? My therapist says they don’t understand me. They don’t need to to treat me with kindness. I keep wondering if I would want me to be a friend and I would. So the accepting myself and enjoying living alone is already there. But being alone all of the time and being abandoned and not being told why is mind boggling. I need to work things out and to not know is driving me mad. I wonder is joining a gardening club would help to balance the week out but then I’m so terrified of having a panic attack infront of people and the fear drives the panic so a vicious circle. I keep thinking life could be worse and I know that. I do it to make me feel less hopeless.
Selling my soul and everything I am just for a second to be with mam would be a blessing. Nothing means anything. I strive to achieve (the garden / textiles) to fill in time. It’s so painful missing her.
Have a fab Glastonbury. I always wanted to go to the festival but wouldn’t be able to tolerate the toilet situation. Makes me gag just thinking of it.
Looking forward to you getting back with fun times and lots of pics. That’s a mystery with your post. Can’t imagine the root will survive but Debbie said about sticking it in some honey to encourage roots. Try it if you have any and if not I’ll try again in Autumn. Wonder what’s going on up there in the wilds of Scotland. Bet your postie has a lot of agro coming his way.
Going to see if I can find a nasty zombie horror. Did you see Colin from Accounts? Totes hilarious.
Lots of love xxx
I was shocked at the little one in Take That (Mark?). Always thought he was the sexy one. Katy Perry off key. Liked the ballet. Thought the inclusive around the world singing was a nice touch as Charles promotes peace and well being. Liked the animal graphics. I enjoyed it and don’t usually even watch stuff like that. But since mam it’s like I’m a softer, more fragile creature.