Hi Neil,
Thank you for praise of my gardening efforts! Always lovely to hear. Just saying to Tina I’m not looking forward to the manure delivery (in bags). Only got it because I couldn’t get the compost I was using and I refuse to pay through the nose for anything garden related. I remember watching a man in his allotment preparing for Spring when I was first housed in a flat. I longed for my own garden and all the things I absorbed and was taught over the years is certainly paying off. Still wonder if I’m doing it right because mam isn’t here to guide me. It’s so upsetting that she won’t see what I’ve created. I was always trying to do my garden here inbetween being over there helping with their garden and it was exhausting and I gave up on mine in the end. Now I have all this time to dedicate to it I don’t want it. Much prefer my old routine of going over every other day and feeling like I’m back at home again. I miss that feeling of peace and certainty that the world is as it should be and I belong in it. I feel so out f place now, like I don’t fit into my own life.
I keep my diary marked every Thursday with mam’s passing. It was 24 weeks of her second year on Thursday last week. I’ve been ignoring my birthday tomorrow but I know when it arrives I will just want my mam to sing to me over the phone like she always has. I’d give anything for that. Getting upset now I’m thinking about it. Will have to compose myself for the delivery man! It just doesn’t seem to be real that she isn’t here with me. I’ll have my therapy in the afternoon so I’m sure I’ll be really upset. That’s even if I can go.
I didn’t know it was Mental Health Awareness Week. It’s really great that it’s a recognised state of being and to tackle the issues involved. I watched the new drama of £10 Poms in Australia and the bloke had PTSD because of the war. Imagine all those poor people suffering in silence because they just had to crack on with life when they got back. I do found perspective through my therapy and nearly always feel better for going. But mam is the biggest sadness I have ever faced in my life. I just can’t understand that she’s not here. I can’t move forward from that. I believe now that people can die from a broken heart. Nobody prepares us for how desolate life will be afterwards.
I hope you get good seats for your theatre with your long legs! And I should think you’ll need breaks with your all day excursion. Will you pop out in the lunch break and see anything nearby? Be nice if it’s sunny to find a park to eat your sarnie in and people watch. I enjoyed doing that when I was waiting for my niece. Hope my delivery comes early so I can meet her today but just noticed the time and it’s unlikely.
Think I’ll sit out and get some sun and do a cheeky puzzle. No gardening incase I can dash out last minute.
That new drama is starting tonight with the Scottish woman I like (she was a skinhead in This Is England). Looks really good. 9pm over 4 nights I think.
Going to check where the van is on the map. Will pop back later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Just got my delivery and I am so knackered and cold (wearing a jumper) that I’ve had to come in to rest. Lovely delivery driver. Chatting about our cats and Porsch even let him stroke her. Thought my garden was like Kew! Though now when I show someone round I’m aware of the jobs that still need doing and how untidy it is compared to a well maintained space. I’ll get there, just not today! In bed with a hot choc and searching for a film to watch. I’ve given in to needing a break. Couldn’t meet my niece for lunch as too late.
xxx
Popped on quickly just to wish you Happy Birthday @christine51 . I hope today is kind to you.
Lots of love
Debbie xx
Good Morning Christine.
I just wanted to send you an early birthday greetings and will come back later to see how it’s going. Have a lovely day. You deserve it
As you know I’m late with the gift but it’s not forgotten!!
Much love xx
Hi Debbie,
Thank you x Love the card! Woke up to birthday texts from my niece and sis up north. She might phone later tonight after work so it will be nice to catch up. Still wish mam was singing Happy Birthday to me on the phone before I dash over there to spend the day. Will have to buy myself a cake after therapy. Feeling very lost. Can’t really describe it. But it’s a better start to the day than last year.
See you later x
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
Thank you xxx Beautiful card! I was just saying to Debbie the day has started better than last year. I’m not crying yet but obviously missing mam as she would sing to me over the phone. And now the tears! I would be going over there to spend the day, feast on cake and enjoy being in the garden but not to do work on my special day. If only I could have her back just for today. I’d make it last forever.
Got my therapy this afternoon so will get a cake afterwards.
Will pop back later x
Lots of love xxx
Dear Christine, warm thoughts, hugs and wishes on this special day xx
Hi Christine
Just popped on here to send my very best birthday wishes and love on your special day. I am sure your Mum is looking down proudly on you.
Hope the day goes well and that you will be able to treat yourself in some way !
Sending love and best wishes
Thinking of you
Neil x
Hi Christine
Hope you have been having a good day on your birthday and everything has been going well.
I hope you had lots of lovely cake to mark the day!
Much love
xx
Hi Debbie,
No it’s Loch of the Lowes I volunteer at but yeah Loch Garten have their own ospreys x Our second egg has just hatched 
xx
x@NEILB72 hopped on to wish you a great time at your show tomorrow and will check in then x
Take care and much love x
Hi Palou,
Thank you. x I couldn’t post again as I fell asleep when I got back from therapy. I felt very disconnected all day, like it wasn’t happening. I missed my mam singing Happy Birthday to me. I miss her love. Very upset today. I suppose it’s a delayed reaction. Still can’t understand why she isn’t here. Been awake since 4.30. She’s all I can think about.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Beautiful card, thank you! x I did get birthday treats from Debbie through the post - Cornish scones, clotted cream and jam with tea and biscuit treats. Just like mam would have done. So lovely! I felt very disconnected throughout the day, like it was happening but I wasn’t really present. And today I am so very upset and just want mam. Delayed reaction. I couldn’t come back yesterday and just felt numb I suppose. It’s so hard trying to keep going when all I want to do is stop and be with her.
Enjoy your mighty big day today! I’ll be tackling the manure around the garden, mulching roses and preparing pots and the orchard bed. Going through the motions is all I can do but I have booked a swim with my niece for tomorrow after work. I don’t usually go out in the evenings. Porsch won’t be happy!
Will pop back later and see your lovely pics, unless you get back late too.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I felt so disconnected yesterday and today I am so very upset. I went to therapy and came back and fell asleep. Didn’t do anything. I miss mam so much. Words cannot express now much I miss her and want her to come back.
Will do some manure in the garden if I can stop crying.
Debbie sent me a lovely Cornish scone cream tea through the post. It was just like mam would have made in the old garden. So it was such a lovely way to celebrate.
Will pop back again if I can.x
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
What a fab card! Love it xxx
Thank you for my lovely bracelet. I was so touched that you thought of me on your hols. Makes it even more special. And I love my fox card. Saw him again early evening, trotting down the lawn for his tea. Such a beauty.
I was just saying to everyone how disconnected I felt yesterday and now I can’t stop crying for mam. I just want her to be here with me like she always has been. I miss her so much.
Will try to do some manure today on the roses and fill pots and prep soil for more fruit plants. Can’t take pics until I get my new sd card as the other one wouldn’t format. But I’ll have updates soon.
My sis never phoned me after work. I didn’t think she would. But I’m meeting my niece tomorrow after work for a swim so looking forward to that.
The world just doesn’t make sense without mam in it.
Wish I could grow flowers like Monty’s card!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Thank you so very much for my lovely Cornish cream tea! It was such a lovely thing to do and reminds me of mam baking scones in the summer, sitting in the old garden on the swing chair under the holly tree. I still have biscuits left so will enjoy them today. I felt very lost yesterday and so upset today when I woke up at about 4.30. Just doesn’t make any sense that she’s not here.
Going to tackle some manure today, mulch the roses and fill some pots. I couldn’t get my compost so got this instead. Hope it doesn’t kill my garden!
I feel so lost without my mam.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
You’ve got a lovely job dealing with that manure! There is a saying isn’t there "where there’s muck there’s brass so you you might find a couple of lost 50p’s lurking around!
I can understand you having a bit of an odd day on your birthday and today. There’s a lot of energy building up to the those special occasions isn’t there and then there doesn’t seem to be anywhere for it to go. I had a walk to the shops earlier and got a strange sensation, like a part of me was missing. It’s odd as it’s a different sensation. Nothing makes much sense does it.
I’ll try and pop back later.
Much love xx
Hello also to everyone else. Hope you are all ok. Xx