How are you today? Yesterday was incredibly hot and believe in some places the hottest day of the year.
Hope Porsche is settled.
Zoe can be so hard with the wee situation. She won’t drink clean and fresh tap water from a bowl in the kitchen but if I trick her and empty it into a container in the garden she’ll have it. We had to take her off kibble though onto tinned food because she wouldn’t drink and as there is so much water content in tinned she takes her drinks that way. I liked your story about your sisters dog and the tiles. He paid £49 for one of those cold gel mats for Zoe. I put it down but she pushes it away so she can lie in the tiled hall floor instead! With being part Husky she has a thick coat but it’s not like dog hair, it’s a mixture of dog hair and cat fur in texture, proper soft and fluffy but very strange!
I love all your roses. They are huge. The pink ones of ours on the front covering the window are a “patio” rose about 30years old. They’ve never come out that well before. They are tight little flowers. The white one is just normal and so are any others. I don’t know what you mean by fairy rose, do you mean miniature? Might see if I can take more photos.
I’m so sorry for this relentless neighbour situation. Unless someone has experienced this stuff they can’t really comprehend that it happens and the effect on your mental wellbeing. We’ve been through similar and I can’t put in print what they did to some of our cats but it was hell on earth for a long time. Have you tried writing to your MP? Maybe all the council would say is that they are willing to rehouse you but I know that’s not what you want.
I really must try to go out later, getting overloaded with sad thoughts at the moment but hiding away is making things worse. My best intentions of going out don’t last very long though as it’s harder to walk in the heat for any distance isn’t it.
Anyway enough of me rambling. I’ll let you go and get a nice brew!!
Catch you later
Much love xx
Hi everyone
Just posting some pics from the ROH where I saw the Royal Ballet perform a triple bill. Didn’t get to catch up with some of my friends in the company as they were in the first two performances. I did however meet three others for the first time as they were dancing in the last performance. Great seat and because there were several empty seats I moved several rows forward during the first interval. Nice and cool in there this week and felt fine.
Hope everyone is not suffering too much with the heat
Sending love and best wishes to all
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Been inside all day as the creep is at home and I don’t have the energy to fight my anxiety in trying to sit out there. Got a reply from the council advising me that they can’t do anything to help and that I should contact my housing officer (the one who didn’t believe me, called out of hours with no trace of her call to get me to drop my complaint about the creep! telling me that he would know I had made a complaint against him) and the police (who refused to help me when I reported him for drilling out the loft wall and getting in my house through the ceiling). I have to wait until mid July for a roof inspection. I just despair. Can’t face leaving the house at all and didn’t enjoy my swimming the other day. You did make me smile at my having a pool in the garden. Suppose I could sit in the big pong to keep cool with all the midgies and stinking mud!
Porsch refused to have her tablet today. Licked all the primula cheese around it. Tried a few times to do it and gave up but will have to try again. I’m so tired of keep trying to get through the day, doing jobs and not knowing why I do it because nothing will make me feel better about mam not being here. I’m in tears the whole time and don’t know why. I keep seeing her chatting to me, doing different things and wearing different outfits. I wonder if anyone if enjoying her clothes that she loved and if my sisters cherish the things they chose. I can’t bear being here without her. I really can’t. And to stay in this house surrounded by these awful people just makes me feel worse because every day feels like a battle. I have nobody on my side to witness what is happening. I wish I had contacted my MP when he had access to my home for about 3 months before they dealt with the rats and repaired the wall. I was afraid to be in the house but also afraid to leave it. I still have the creepy sticker he left me on the plug in the kitchen. Having him at home is torture because he has got away with what he has done and shaming him by being loud about it during phonecalls has made no difference. He has no shame and the buggars I’m surrounded by clearly think it’s ok for that to happen to me because I ‘don’t fit in’ with them.
The fairy rose is a type of rose with small blooms and many heads per stem. I have one because mam had one in the old garden. Here are some from Google.
Think I’ll get a cuppa and get Porsch in for her tablet. It’s very stressful just dealing with that. My tolerance for stress seems to have diminished since mam left. As long as things are going how I want them to then everything seems fine until grief hits me again to knock me down.
Hope Neil is ok at his ballet in this heat. I wouldn’t be walking anywhere in it. You might pass out too! Thunder storms on Sunday but still no cooler weather. Can’t go out there to water the garden with the creep at home. Don’t know what I’ll do when he retires. I really don’t.
You’ve perked me up a bit. My niece doesn’t want to go swimming with me even though the outdoor pool is open. Seems I’m a last resort if she hasn’t anything else to do. That’s how it feels.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
So pleased you survived your outing without any mishaps and that’s a great view you have. Shame to not have caught up with your pals but to make new ones is great. There was a documentary on male ballet dancers and the misconception that it is an effeminate ‘sport’ . I’d love to see an average man trying to do even the basics. The fact that they are graceful hides the work involved.
Not having a great day. Hiding in my bedroom because the creep has been at home all day so I couldn’t go in the garden. The reply from the council wasn’t helpful at all and I have to wait until July to get the roof inspected. Just bad news on a day that I can’t stop crying for mam. I miss her so much Neil. I know we all do with our loved ones but I just can’t see any point in anything I do now. I want the pain of her absence to stop. I can’t see a future that is any better than what I have now. Sorry, I’ll go. I’m having a really bad day again. Even posted on her tribute site which is always something I avoid because it is too painful to see her smiling at me.
Hope I haven’t dampened your ballet high!
Going to try to coax another tablet into Porsch.
Lots of love xxx
I thought I’d try and see how you were whilst I can as the internet connection is a bit precarious right now.
I’m sorry to read Porsch is giving you the run around with the medication. It doesn’t take long for them to forge an association does it with what you are putting it in. Animals seem to be able to remove a tablet from a decoy treat with the precision of a bomb disposal robot sometimes.
Those roses are beautiful, are they from your garden? Our roses have never bloomed as nice or prolific as the have this year, yet a part of joy from them is missing somehow. I know I said I wasn’t going to buy another but I’ve got a voucher and might treat myself to another rose this week. From something you said I thought you had a pool in your garden! I knew your garden was like an adventure land from Alice in Wonderland but there’s only so much physical space you must have! Obviously my brain wasn’t working well because I knew you wouldn’t be sitting in a pool showing your lovely figure off in a skimpy bikini with “Perv’s-R-Us” nextdoor! He’s a slippery one to pin down by the authorities for being a nuisance neighbour by the sound of it and it’s always a case of “our hands are tied” when you report them to the powers that be. Hopefully your new neighbours will be a different class of people totally. I truly hope so.
I didn’t get to the shops yesterday as I said I would. I was horrified to see that my ankles and lower legs had swollen badly in the heat. Being the scatty-cat I am I can’t remember where I’ve hidden both of Zoe’s grooming Combs so I’m gonna have to go out and get a cheapie one in the meantime. I look like a big fat stickle-bob fur ball as I’m covered in fur/hair everytime she wants to playfight at the moment.
Sorry you are still in a deep upset hole. I know you’ll climb out at some point to get some respite but it’s not so something that can be forced is it, and it shouldn’t be. Everything in your own time. There’ll be a few better days along soon. It seems it is true when they liken grief to waves. I’ve been feeling pretty much the same. I’ve been bothered by this crippling loneliness but not just a “loneliness” in the traditional sense, not only for a person but also “lonely” from the loss of how everyday life used to be and standards and values that were here when Mum was that aren’t now. He’s got absolutely zero respect of the house mum enabled him to have and I’m struggling to uphold any kind of care for it because as soon as I turn round it’s a sh** tip again. Sorry to be be so “uncouth” in my tone of language but I’m finding it so upsetting and disrespectful.
Well. I haven’t had breakfast yet so I’ll go and have some and then see what is on the agenda for today!
Lovely to see what you’ve been up to with your photography.
You must thrive in crowds and busyness as I can imagine there’s huge amounts of people around right now. Forgive my lack of national patriotic awareness/geography but how close to the “main” part of London are these Theatres that you travel to? Are they close to Buck Palace, Westminster? It probably sounds a daft question but was just interested!
Nice that you got to meet with some of the dancers even if, like you say, not the ones you’d anticipated.
What’s your thoughts about the new Full Monty film set 25years on? I don’t get that channel so won’t be seeing it for a while. I thought the original was great but the remakes never quite make it somehow.
We’ll have a good day today
Take care, much love xx
Hi Tina,
The clouds seem to have lifted a little today, even though the creep hasn’t gone to work. So I can’t go out there until / if he does. My plan s to reorganise the corner where I used to feed the birds and had to dig out all the rotten debris that really stank in the heat. Will try mixing some of the gravel / soil I took out (after removing the moulding bits) and mix with gravel to fill in the excavated areas between paving. I’m so tired I’m not that bothered if it doesn’t get done. Did nothing yesterday and fell asleep. Think a lot of the upset of mam is tied in with being exhausted. Also have to tackle the pond and remove the build up of mud again and look at the plants I’ve already planted about 4 times. Still have to do a plug on the new pump.
Wish I could transport my house and garden away from here into a woodland with no neighbours. I’d defo have a pool then! But no bikinis. Can’t shift the weight I put on after having steroids with the treatment years ago. I was like a sumo wrestler, trebled in size. If I’d known I wouldn’t have had the chemo or steroids and took my chances. They don’t tell you what life will be like afterwards. I was always skinny until I got cancer. That’s what I can’t understand about the creep, the obsession he has is ridiculous. Haven’t told the new neighbour about him. Didn’t want to come across as a gossip. Not even sure if she’s moved in yet or if work is still being done. Pleased that she seems to be normal.
I wish your bro was kinder to you and just better behaved than he is. What would happen if you just stopped keeping house? Would be notice if you just do your own stuff? Try it and see if there is any effect.
That feeling of being lonely isn’t something I have ever felt before mam left. I’ve always valued my freedom and enjoyed being in control of my life. Without her there is just emptiness, no matter what I do to fill it. I feel so trapped living where I do and because of the panic attacks I can’t venture very far to make a life outside of here. That’s why I can’t ever see my situation changing. I fear I’ll reach a point where I just can’t tolerate it any more. I’m not there yet but every day is a battle to keep going. I just don’t see what the point is when I’ll die anyway.
I’m just imagining all the fur you could save from combing Zoe. You could make an abstract piece of art or a cape for her when she goes in the garden! I always laugh when I see dogs sporting their little outfits, especially the all in ones with the legs and no bum.
The fairy roses were pics from Google to show the range in colours and form. So pretty. I might just get roses from now on, replacing anything that dies. Have quite a few to plant in Autumn from their pots. Looking forward to Monty tonight, though I watch it and wonder why I bother. I know I’ve been encouraging weeds but the border is more weed than flowers. Really must get in and sort it out.
Hooray! Creep has just left so I’ll get out there and make a start.
Will be back later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina
To answer your question, most of the theatres I go to are in the heart of the West End and once you get off the train are nearly all in walking distance. Royal Opera House is in Covent Garden. All 39 West End theatres covered by about a couple of miles . National , The Globe and a few others are my side of the river and are normally cheaper as they are not in the West End. I’m at the Piccadilly Theatre on Monday with my family from Oz to see Moulin Rouge . As you can guess that is right near Piccadilly Circus. Everything pretty much walking distance as I said. London looks amazing in summer and at night.
Got Fathers Day to get through but know I have a good day the following day to look forward to.
Hope you can have as good a weekend as possible and keep as cool as you can.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina19, I hove not written anything for some time now.
My morning anxiety is still there but not so bad mow. The depression is also a bit better now but still not so good in the morning, it stops me doing things like getting up early in the morning. - I still have not finished the cars yet, it is Just too hot. The cars are right in front of the garages and no wind. So, I went back clearing up the back garden again, much cooler because of the big tree. I think there are weeds and leaves from several years. (I think the tree also needs to be trimmed in the autumn.) - I cannot measure it, but all in all, I feel a lot better since early April. - I have joined the local luncheon club on Tuesday. A good meal for £6.- and one pound for the raffle ticket. - Guess what, I won one of the three free meals for next Tuesday. Strange, I usually never win anything. Well, I did get some strange looks from some of the guest there. - No real weekend plans but I think I will tale a walk on the beach. I also hoped for some cooler days so I can carry on with the cars. I guess I have to force myself getting up early in the morning.
I used to have a cat that wanted to drink directly from the running tap all the time. Some cats prefer it. (Kitchen tap only, the bathroom water comes from a tank.)
I will post some photos of the garden progress, you will laugh, it is nothing like your garden. - Nick
Hi Neil,
Seeing your family from Oz seems to have come round very quickly. I loved seeing the film of The Moulin Rouge and first being introduced to that at school studying art. Here’s some paintings to get you in the mood for Monday:
Loved all the dresses and petticoats they used to wear. Wish I could still do the splits. Wouldn’t like to try! Might have a mishap and not able to do the garden.
Monday will be fine and 24 so you should have a pleasant day. Are you all eating out after or drinks? You’ll make some great memories to cherish and be able to carry that with you into Fathers Day.
Haven’t got out into the garden yet as the creep is fiddling about so I’ll see if he goes out later. I did lots of work yesterday taking mud out of the big pond and setting up the pumps again. Looks better than it did with the logs taken out of the water.
I must have replanted the plants about 5 times now but I’m hoping the irises will settle into the recycle tub.
So my job for today is to clear up all the mud on the gravel path (should have popped a plastic sheet down but was too eager to get on). If I can collect it all in tubs I will dig it into the area at the back of the logs and plant up with the potted plants I had before.
Not looking forward to it as I was caked in mud yesterday. Banged my head on a big tree branch and have a big lump. Still feeling sick but I felt like that before the bang so not worried. Think it’s the heat.
Noticed the roses are more abundant over the arches going up the garden than they were before
and I have new cream roses in the border but my batteries ran out so will have to try again today. Really pleased the baby birds have found the new feeding area on the lawn. They love sitting on the arches with the pigeons.
Whatever you do today stay cool and relish your excitement for next week.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nick,
Looking forward to seeing all the work you’ve been doing. My garden is mostly shady now with the trees and climbers over arches so being busy is bearable. Just posted my pics from yesterday to Neil where I was digging out the stinky mud and repositioning the logs and plants. I’m waiting for my ‘pond sludge buster’ to arrive and hope that will make a difference. So I have all the clearing up to do now. Wish I’d popped a plastic sheet down to save my gravel but I didn’t. Will collect it all into tubs to dig into the bed behind the logs. Spent a great deal of time fixing the pumps and getting the fountains going with the pump heads. That’s when I banged my head. Still throbbing but I must clear that up today because we are having thunderstorms tomorrow and a downpour will have it all over.
I’m really pleased that you are seeing a better mood now and measuring it in months is a great way to see a difference. I always feel generally more uplifted with the lighter mornings and getting outside. I’ve always been a night owl and had to really drag myself out of bed in the mornings. But now I’m awake at about 6.30. It’s lovely sitting out with my cuppa with Porsch when everyone else is still in bed. I feed the birds and watch the babies thriving. Do my puzzle book. And the routine of dishes, straightening up the house, getting the washing on, making drinks for the day, getting dressed, doing emails, ordering whatever is needed. There is a real sense of achievement but when I’m having very down days I can barely do any of those things. Sometimes I am robotic, going through the motions of washing dishes while tears pour down my face. Sometimes the pain is too intense to not be incapacitated by it. Whatever we can manage is a plus and the intense sadness will lift eventually.
I think it’s great that you’ve joined your lunch club and having a raffle too is extra fun. I hope you are able to reach out and make new friends over time. I thought my swimming would give me some relief from grief but it doesn’t. Do you find walking on the beach helps to clear your thoughts? A brisk early morning walk before it gets too hot could set you up for the day. You could try setting your alarm for 6.30 and make a start on the car with your morning cuppa. Breaking time down into smaller chunks gets things done for me. A big job is more manageable in smaller sections with a sense of achievement and ability to see it through. The evenings are cooler too. Do you have a good light to work by?
You’re doing amazing! Keep going. I like to look back over my week and see what I have done, usually when I’m watching Monty standing in his fabulous garden and wondering why my plants don’t grow like that. But I keep trying.
Thought the creep had left but he’s back with his garden tools so I can’t go out there to do the mud. Hate him!
Have a good weekend.
Lots of love xxx
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine . Always enjoy looking at your garden pics. Thank you for posting the pics to get me in the mood for Moulin Rouge. I too love the film although can understand why a lot of people dont. Its great that we all have different likes. I think we are having dinner just before as I have to get a train home afterwards. Will be doing something during the day too. Been thinking of Dad but wont have to phone Cruse as I know Monday will soon be here and happier times with family.
Just had an early lunch. Next will tackle some ironing and then an afternoon of horse racing and see how the cricket is going!
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Thanks for the info about London. It must be a totally different pace of life and culture in the South, especially London.
Wishing you well for tomorrow.
Looking very much cooler here now but more manageable at least!
Take care and much love xx
Oh I’m really pleased you won one of the meals. It’s nice to win anything big or small, it’s the “pick-me-up” of it that makes it so special. Like Beki as well I’ve entered many competitions in the past, up until my 30’s and used to win several in a week but I’d be hard pressed to win a bean now. Saying that I tell a lie, I did win a few at the end of last year. The most novel was a 5ft Medlar tree from a garden nursery down south. That looked a bit strange being delivered by courier at that height! As a family in the early 90’s we won a car but oh my what a lot of bad feeling that created!
Glad to hear you are feeling better and stronger over time and definitely would be pleased to see your pictures.
The weather is far more manageable now thankfully.
Take care and much love xx
How is the headbang doing? Can imagine that shook you a bit. Hope all is well now. If I had a bump on the head I don’t think I’d do myself any damage!
Everyone must be so fed up of me going on about Zoe by now but I don’t really have many interactions with anyone and that includes the Lord of the Manor. Zoe has shattered me energy-wise as I caught her with a piece of glass in her mouth that she had hunted down from our of the garden. Luckily I had a few dog treats to chuck at her this time instead of the egg! She’s a funny devil because I’ve just realised that everytime we feed her a brand of tinned dog food with peas in, the peas are always left in the bowl. How on earth does a dog separate the peas from the rest of the food! Just about seen it all now.
There were other things I meant to say about gardening, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was. Every so often I’ll get a thought and think I’ll tell Christine about such and such but then totally forget. I seem to be exhausted pretty much too. I think it’s anxiety and the never ending monologue inside my head that’s draining me. I keep thinking of visiting the next town to the big retail park but when I make plans I can’t carry them out. I have more chance when it’s spontaneous.
You’ve got a mammoth task on your hands with the shifting you are doing. Swimming must be keeping you on good shape! I went to Asda last night and bought myself some digital kitchen scales to aid me in losing weight but I also bought a yellow label reduced chocolate orange cake so my mindset is definitely not attuned yet!!
Just need to go and sort Tea but will say hope you’ve had a good afternoon. Weather far more manageable now thankfully.
Hi Neil,
Sounds like a great day out. Relish every minute. It’s great that you know doing this will help you through Dad’s day. And you’ll have lots to tell him with all your fabulous outings. He’d be so very proud of you Neil. We all are!
Your ironing takes me back to watching mam and the woosh of the steam and the cord going too and fro. I always wondered why she did it as she hated ironing. I bought an iron for my fabrics for my textiles and still haven’t used it. The creases create more texture to be admired. That’s my excuse anyway!
Still locked down in the bedroom watching ‘Vincent’ on ITVX (a detective series). Love Ray Winston. Very sexy! Especially liked him in ‘Sexy Beast’. Creep has been cutting everything back as he does every time he’s not at work. I just can’t bear hearing him. It goes on all day. So watching my laptop keeps me focused. Have all the blinds and curtains drawn to stop him looking in. Just couldn’t face being in the garden with him lurking about.
Hope your racing wins!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
Zoe not liking her peas reminds me of the fox not liking the biscuits I put out with its dog or cat food (tins left over from Porsch that she didn’t like). I also found all the little cherry tomatoes flung about the patio this morning. So a very fussy fox indeed! Saw it leaving as I was getting coffee on. It’s in beautiful shape. Wonder where it goes during the day.
Porsch is driving me mad now with the medication. She refuses to have the primula treat with the tablet inside so I have to open her mouth and then keep it closed until she swallows it. You’d think I was doing her harm by the look in her eyes. She’s refusing to eat her meat as well as that is now associated with the liquid medication. I’m at my wits end. But I know she’s weeing now. The garden pongs as she’s avoiding using her tray. Can’t even look at me now or be near me. I keep thinking the end is death and then all the stress will be over and she’ll be with mam. Until then all I can do is keep forcing the tablets into her. It’s awful but there’s no other way.
I was just telling Neil about the creep being noisy all day long with the bloody gardening tools. Makes me anxious wondering what he is actually cutting back. I had to put the fence on my side of the boundary tree line. If he removes them everything I have done will have been in vain.
I hate being trapped in the bedroom with the curtains closed when he’s lurking. Last night when I went to put the rubbish out before coming ion from the garden he had arrived and was sitting in his van . He never stopped gauping at me. He is the creepiest person I have ever met.
Well done for getting some scales. Positive thinking balanced with a tasty treat. I did an online shop and have naughty things too for tomorrow evening - burger, crisps, icecream. When I’m busy I don’t eat anything all day, sometimes until 9 pm. Not losing any weight though and the swimming isn’t doing anything to tone up like I’d hoped. I read that during menopause women put on extra fat around the tum, without it even showing on the scales. Must be some form of insulation if we fall! Doesn’t matter how good I’m being it makes no difference. I’d have to starve for a period of time to see any difference. There was a programme on about the foods we eat containing all sorts of additives and that’s why we are such an obese nation. They always used to say we are 10 years behind America. We’ve certainly caught up. Hope you enjoyed your cake. Sounds delicious!
Didn’t get any of that mud shifted so hope tomorrows downpour doesn’t last too long. Otherwise I’ll be swimming in it on the patio. All because the creep was at home. Thing is I have things to do inside but I just can’t apply myself when I feel trapped. I know your situation with your bro isn’t good but being alone makes a woman a real target for creeps. And you have Zoe to fend off any intruders. Wish I had a pit bull or those huge illegal breeds (all muscle) stored in a secret cupboard to have bitten the creeps feet off when he lowered himself through the ceiling. It’s driving me mad that nothing has been done to him. He’s free to lurk about in broad daylight and I just have to suck it up.
Porsch has refused to eat again so she’s off out in the garden. She’s been asleep all day in her fur nest by the open fireplace where it’s cool. I’m so concerned for her as she’s so skinny and hardly poos in her tray.
Will watch a bit more of Vincent before I bring her in for the night.
Lots of love xxx
