CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM

[Suzanne30]

Evening all
For those who like to remember their dads fondly I wish you all a peaceful and pleasant Father’s Day be they still with us or not xx

Heading down to London tomorrow for a few days and got the Lion King on Tuesday so very happy about that

Not been up to much lately apart from work the last couple of days so Cal is now in the cattery and can now relax x

I will catch up individually with you all as soon as I have something to say x

I’ll add a couple of rough photos from the Loch I took today x

Love to you all and it was lovely to catch up with all your posts. Until then take care and much love x

[NEILB72]

Hi Suzanne
Fathers Day just an ordinary day for me.Put my coping mechansims in place- talked to Cruse( which I rarely do anymore) about my Dad and got my day in London to look forward to tomorrow with my Aussie family and that keeps my mind in a good place. After all dont need a date on the calendar to think of Dad as I think of him EVERY day . Birthdays and the day he passed are the most important to me and I am sure we all agree here for our Mums and Dads.
Hope you really enjoy your trip to London and seeing The Lion King. Went past there the other day on my way to the ROH. May be a bit cooler next week, it certainly was yesterday .
Catch up soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[christine51]

Hi Suzanne,
Have a fab time! Looking forward to pics. Love your second pic of the woodpeckers? looks like they’ve been caught and looking straight at you. I don’t often see my jay now but it pops in now and then.
A quick update on fussy Porsch with her food. She refuses to eat the seniors 7 plus pouch food but will eat the 1 plus. Whatever I can get into her at the mo I’m doing. She’s weeing again so I can get a sample to the vet soon. Finding it very stressful with the meds. Now hiding her tablet in a rolled up bit of cheese.
Hope you aren’t travelling in the thunderstorms today as London is the centre of it. Hope the creep leaves so I can clear my muddy path before the downpour.
Enjoy your Lion King x
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
Have a relaxing Sunday in prep for your big day tomorrow. I always find dates in the calendar just highlight mams absence. Everyday memories of her throughout our life together pop up randomly, some comforting and others too upsetting depending on how fragile I am. It’s wonderful to have such beautiful memories of love to cherish.
Hope the creep leaves so I can clear my mud today. And if not I’ll try to wire up the garden lights that have been in the way for about a month because I keep avoiding doing it. Being trapped in my room because of him really takes it out of me.
Porsch is away in the garden after her tablet and a bit of breakfast. Will get her sample to the vet this week to test her kidneys and find out the blood test results. It will be a relief to have her settled again.
Have a food shop delivery later. Treated myself to a cake if it arrives. I find a weekend usually runs out of all the nice bits I order.
Enjoy your day tomorrow if I don’t get back to you again. Take lots of pics for yourself so you can enjoy later. Will you keep in touch with them on zoom (is that still what people use?) when they go back? Could be another good thing to your week. Be great to hear stories of your mam and dad. That’s what I find really hard. That I can’t talk about mam and hear my sisters chat about her.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi guys,
Still waiting for the thunderous downpour but only a few heavy drops so far. Creep went out so I got a lot done in a couple hours before I realised he’d returned (can’t hear anything with the pumps and fountains going) and then I had to come in. So annoying. But I managed to move the mud from my path, collecting into bags, searching out snails, stones and slate as I went. Looks a state

(I’ll have to get more gravel to return it to it’s original state) but I created a new embankment at the back of the pond between the log piles to encourage the frogs to nest and.

the watery mud will be dug into the soil to create the new bed. So very pleased with what I achieved. Didn’t know if I’d get out there today with it being a weekend. Will continue digging out the mud with my net over the summer to hopefully clear the water.
And very pleased that my birds have found the lawn where I chuck their seed and fat balls. Thanks to Debbie my pond and patio area will now be free of bird poop and general mess. x

Not sure if I posted my new cream roses. Delighted as they are new from planting in last year when I had lost so many of them. Smell delicious!

and lots more buds to come.

Can’t beat the David Austens for a heavy scent (a birthday pressie).

Just waiting now for my shopping to be delivered. Starving! Burger and crisps with coffee and walnut cake for afters. Indulgent but I’m so sick of the veg soup I have nearly every day.
Porsch has just popped in for a bite and seems more like her old self. We had a lie in today and she didn’t try to wake me. Will take her wee sample this week after I finish her medication.
Feeling lots better for getting out into the garden again. I seem to need a sense of achievement each day to stay on top of the grief. Will organise a swim too with my niece so looking forward to that. I just have to go with the flow of how I’m feeling and not battle against it. It’s all any of us can do when having really off days.
It’s my niece’s birthday this week so I treated her to a new mattress and summer quilt. I always loved getting bedding for my xmas box from my parents (mam chose it). Not the same buying my own and wish I could show mam. My summer bedroom is very Indian themes with bright pinks and orange to liven my mood. Still need to see the film of Downton Abbey in India.
Must dash as I’m filling up the pond again.
Lots of love xxx

[Tina19]

Hiya Christine

Its gone 1.10am and Ive been in the kitchen with Zoe hoping she would wee, but she wouldn’t. I tempted her to go out but all she’d do is lie on the lawn. He just refused to help so I had to admit defeat.

I’ve just read your posts and can just visualise all those lovely food treats you’ve been talking about and it’s made me so hungry. it’s a good job I m not in the kitchen or I’d have got the biscuits out by now!

I just love that rose you have it’s really elegant and understated all the others are so lovely too. You’ve done well there to get them so nice looking. Once it started raining today it never stopped and I can hear it crashing down on the windows too now. Unfortunately I can here a “drip” too which isn’t a good sign. That’s either the roof or the new gutters but little I can do about things in the dark.

I’m sorry to have read Porsch is still being difficult with her tablets. Our previous German Shepherd Zara was on tablets for life, one being the antiinflammatory liquid which pets have to have with food and it could sometimes take a whole hour putting bits if ham on her food to take it. It’s a shame when they have to have medicines but it can certainly drive you to your wits end trying to get pets to co-operate when the don’t want to. Do you buy spread cheese? Maybe it may be harder for her to separate.

Sorry you have been forced to stay in your bedroom. That’s nasty for someone to control another’s freedom like that and I can well understand you being apprehensive about what he’s cutting back. You must feel so free when he goes out. Did you say he has a “lady friend” that lives there too?

I understand about the random memories popping up. I’ve been the same recently and they are so difficult to manage but I can tell in your tone that you’ve got some of your enthusiasm back for your garden so make sure you can enjoy it whilst it’s there.

I had some more things I was gonna chat about a bit I’m so tired now so will sign off.
Take care and much

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
Been waiting to see you here. Always pleased when you are.
Sounds like you had the downpour I was stuck in last week at the vets when it was so torrential and hailing that I had to wait to drive. Just a few spots yesterday while I rushed to finish the pond mud. Got lots done and I was covered in mud! Will have a tidy up today of the patio and might attempt to grout the paving in the bird corner. If I can do sections at a time it will get done over the summer. Creep is out but I got up late so still need to get ready. Was out there just now with my cuppa in my pj’s and after hearing lots of chat about how I don’t speak to anyone and have no confidence (! who would in this situation?) I came in. Just want to be left alone.
Didn’t sleep well at all worrying about POrsch because she’s so thin now but I was delighted to see a proper poo in her tray waiting for me! So she’s on the mend with her meds. I’ve had to resort to just popping the tablet in after prising open her mouth because the treats aren’t working now. She’s so frail I have to in order to get her better. It’s such a worry and the end result will obviously be death and then I’ll be grieving for her and for mam. Can’t even bear thinking about it.
I think Zoe thinks you are her playmate and it’s all a game when you’re out there at 1 in the morn coaxing her to wee. Your bro has a very easy life knowing you are doing all the work. If you refused to do anything with her when he was at home would he be forced to do it himself? Try it. He makes me so mad that he takes full advantage of you.
Will dash now to get ready and make th emost of the creep not being here. Not sure if the woman he moved in with is here or not. She was never seen after the initial move in. I assumed h=she was agoraphobic like me. Not sure if they are a couple or bro and sis. But I did hear her saying ‘Are we going to have to move again?’ after he broke in through the loft and I was ranting very loudly about it on the phone for all to hear. So she knows exactly what he has been doing and thinks it’s all ok. Hope the same happens to her one day. I just wonder why these things happen to me. I go out of my way to not make myself attractive after hearing him saying I looked like a clown with my makeup on! He cannot say I have encouraged his behaviour towards me in any way. I wear floor length kaftans or dresses so there isn’t a leg or any flesh to tempt anyone. It doesn’t matter what I do he will always be what he is.
Anyway, getting out there before he gets back. Wish me look tidying in this heat!
Lots of love xxx

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

It sounds like you are just like me monitoring the state of poo, is it too big, too soft, too little, not the right colour, not the right shape. If she wees on grass did she really do it, was it enough etc etc. We need a live-in vet don’t we. Pets are a huge, huge worry. Its like when he comes home and I say Zoe has shattered me out and eye-rolls me and says how can a dog shatter me but it’s the worry what does it because he’ll let her pick up all kinds of choking risk stuff in her mouth thinking everything will be fine and dandy whereby I’m on red alert constantly. Plus she’s a bee-eater too and there’s always plenty of those around.

Did you get all those lovely treats for yourself in the online order? I’m going to Asda later so may have a look if there is anything nice to buy that a bit different for a change. The showers are really bad right now so I’ll give it time to settle.

You’ve got loads of done in your garden again despite the Creep being around. Does he have unpredictable working hours? It must be a pain if you never know when he’s coming and going.

Do you give Porsch tinned tuna or mackerel, sometimes taking her by surprise with the tablet might help, but I can understand how worried you are.

I best go and write this shopping list.

Have a nice afternoon Christine and I’ll catch you later on.

Much love xx

[Nick22]

Hello Christine, sorry for answering so late. (2 days now)
Working in the garden works for me as long I do not overdo it. Going swimming should do the same.

I looked it up on the internet and found this article: Endorphins: What They Are and How to Boost Them

Tomorrow is lunch club again. Last time, I did talk to one of the staff for about 10 minutes, she also has a digital Conon camera.

(My brother always told me what model to get. And, he then used my old camera until I bought the next one. I wish buying a new camera would bring my brother back. - Do you use your mobile when you take your photos?)

You asked if walking on the beach helps to clear my mind. Yes, but only if there not too many people there. I do not walk much but I often throw some stones into the water. I do not know what it is but I find it calming. Perhaps it reminds my of the times when I was young. - Getting up early is a problem for me. I find it difficult to go to sleep early. My mind is going round and round and I often go to sleep often after 1am. My alarm is set to 7 but I do not wake up until 9am. There was a time when did not get much sleep but I am glad that I can sleep longer now. (Fingers crossed.) I need my 8 hours or my brain will not work. (Well, it is not working well anyway at the moment.) Perhaps it will get better some day. - I found a good balance at the moment. I just read something or watch TV in the morning and get going at about 11-1pm most days now. - I have finished two cars now. (only brakes) One is my brothers car I want to keep. (Will decide later.) One old car that has been standing on the drive for many years (probably 12 or more). It will be picked up soon. (for parts and scrap metal ) The brakes were totally rusted solid and it took me a long time to unblock them. (I had to take them apart.)

I had the same idea as you, I split everything up into 1 or 2 hours tasks. (The cars, cutting down plants at my bungalow, cutting some parts of the conifers to clear the foot path, later cutting up all the the wood and putting all the bits into the bags. It took me much longer than I thought it would. They only pickup 4 bags per household every other week. I thought I would never finish it. It should all be gone in about 20 days now. I am winning! - (I hope.) - Will tell you more next time. I will also add some photos. - Nick

[NEILB72]

Hi everyone
Had a great day with my family from Oz. The highlight being Moulin Rouge in the evening. Truly spectacular show and we all loved it. So nice to catch up with them again. The weather was perfect too!
Sending love and best wishes to all
Neil x

[Tina19]

Hello to all

Christine - hope you are ok and getting things done in the garden and hopefully your Niece will be around got a chat. Do teenagers even ‘chat’ to anyone anymore, it’s all just texting Mind you, I’m thinking she’s a teenager, time flies by from when you first started talking about her.

Think of Porsch as well and willing her to make a speedy recovery.

Will check in later.

Neil - Hi there, was just about to type your name and then I noticed you online so I’ll leave this message to you and have a look at your news first.

Nick - Its true, yes the sleep pattern goes completely out of sync doesn’t it after a massive upheaval such as bereavement. It seems you have to take the rest any time you can to repair the mind and body even if it’s not when you are used to doing so.

Forgive me if you’ve already said but did either you or your Brother ever do photography as a job? I remember being at school as a teenager and being given a dark room lesson and watching the image slowly develop before your eyes. How very different today. Who could have thought how it would evolve the way it has.

Anyway, I’ll wish you well for today and speak soon.

Palou - Hope you are ok Palou. xx

Much love to all. Xx

[Tina19]

Hi Neil

Wow, that is a visual extravaganza in the theatre, there must have been an incredible atmosphere there. Thanks for sharing.

Your family look like they are enjoying themselves. You all do, quite a special time for you all.

So glad all is going well.

Take care and much love xx

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
You always make me laugh and this time it’s Zoe as a bee eater! (not that it’s funny if she gets stung). You should hear the hum of the bees in search of nectar in the honeysuckle overhead when I’m sitting with Porsch doing my puzzle. But it is incredibly stressful caring for an animal that needs treatments and monitoring. Until someone has to do it themselves (your bro) they have no clue. You seem to carry the burden of everything and he gets off Scot Free (odd saying). Porsch bit me by mistake this morn as I was trying to keep her mouth open long enough to get the tablet in but she clenched down hard and I got trapped. She finds the whole thing very indignant! Refuses to eat the primula spread she loved as she now knows that represents tablet time. But I’m glad she’s weeing again so I’ll get a sample off tomorrow to be tested (will have the plastic balls in the tray to have to manage - she flings them everywhere).
Creep always arrives back without me knowing (he must do shift work as it’s very early starts and back by late afternoon/ tea time or lunch time and back by 9 or 10 pm (means I can work through without checking if he’s back but then he often pops back randomly so must work nearby). But I did get loads done with a general clear up of the patio and path areas

,excavated more of the stones / bird seed between paving in prep for grouting

, dug out old festering bird seed from behind the bird feeding ‘chair’ area and added mud from the pond,

encouraging the ivy and climber to grow along and up the post,

removed an ants nest which had made a home in the build up of fat ball debris from the birds favourite hanging basket,

added soil and pebbles to the cleared trellis bed, removing the net curtain to let it dry out so I can turn it over in prep for Autmun planting,

weeded some of the large tubs and repotted anything that came out with the handfuls of grass and fat balls hidden away.

So a very good days work. Noticed the rain overnight had battered the roses

but encouraged growth elsewhere. Delighted to see a flowerhead on my new plant.

Donlt know why I can’t grow hydrangeas. Monty featured a gardener who loves them and says they are the easiest plant to have in the garden!

This was so beautiful. Might try deadheading and see what happens.
Happy my figs haven’t all dropped off!

First flush of colour from the lobelia (lost most of it though).

Love this pic from the seed catalogue I use

and amazed at how blue a lot of the eggs are from the birds that visit my garden. The speckled ones are so pretty.

Chuffed to learn that my little robin is one of the first birds (along with song thrushes and blackbirds) to start singing in the morning. Babies are still visiting and feeding from the lawn. They’ve got so big and don’t need their parents now.

The trellises are another structure for them to hover on, along with the squirrel who never took his beady eye off me.

Lovely to see the baby doves returning too.

Must have really poured overnight with rolls of thunder as I dozed off. Lovely waking up to the rain, refreshing the garden. Hasn’t stopped Porsch wanting to be out. Glad I cleared up the soil and stones from the patio. Spurs me on to see it cleared but still not sure if I’ll have to get a few more half pavings to finish the space. Don’t think the tiles will work between slabs. Too small and will take forever to do. I did try playing around with pattern but think grouting to get it done is the way forward. Will be pleased when it’s done so I can get back to some real gardening! My hands are cut and really sore. But I’m making progress.
Will keep dredging the pond with my net until I can get rid of all the mud. Hope the frogs come back as I’ve created a haven for them.

Have my therapy this afternoon and have booked a swim afterwards for the outdoor pool (full of flies and hair!). Hoped to see my niece this week but her boyfriend is staying all week so she has no time to see me, even though it’s her birthday. She didn’t even thank me for the mattress and quilt. I had to ask if it was comfy. Am I expecting too much of her? Will have to just send her card. It seems I am something to do when she has nothing else on. Feeling quite hurt. Had wanted to meet her for lunch with a cake to celebrate. I’m so tired of not being treated the way I treat others. Will give up eventually.
Whatever you do today hope it makes you smile!
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Nick,
Thank you for posting the article. I thought I would get a buzz from swimming but I really don’t and I think it’s because I don’t enjoy anything I do now. Gardening is the only ‘reward’ because I can see it and am physically exhausted by it. Going swimming after my therapy today but I’m really having to push myself to do it. I feel so sad and watching others having fun (as well they should) is too upsetting and I have to leave. All I can do is keep going or I’ll stop completely. It breaks up my day and makes it go faster. I’m really impressed that you chatted to the person at your lunch. It takes courage and I just can’t do it now. I’m frightened that I’ll start crying and have to explain about mam. I’m on the verge of tears the whole time now and anything can set me off.
Would love to see the work you’re doing. I find it helps me to mark my progress and to share here is special because I know it helps us all to see what each other is doing in order to cope. I’m always encouraged when I read posts and pictures are a treat! I use my Nikon camera (a birthday gift years ago) and only have a mobile phone for emergencies (car breaking down) and texting my niece (she is the only one in the family who actually cares about me). Adding the pics from camera onto the laptop and seeing my garden taking shape on a bigger screen creates a new perspective. Like you wish buying a camera would bring your brother back I wish mam could see my garden and be involved in it. I miss her so very much. I don’t know how that will ever change because I can’t move on from my everyday.
Love that you enjoy throwing stones into the sea. I remember being little and dad teaching me how to skim stones so they bounce across the surface (not in the sea but on rivers and lakes - many camping adventures). I think getting older makes us cherish our memories more and we return to our childhood more often. Mam used to tell me that she couldn’t always remember what she had done yesterday but her memories of years ago were vivid. I wish I’d listened more. I would sit all day long now with her. Just to hear her chatting about whatever she loved in her life. I can’t bear that I can’t chat to her about anything. Memories of growing up, old aunties, things that are special. Mam had such a love of life and people. I want to be immersed again in her stories, talking about how life was when she was little, teaching me again to knit and crochet. I haven’t used her old singer sewing machine since it came to me because I need to do the tension and have it oiled. It was precious to her and so it is to me too.
I’m impressed that you’ve done 2 cars already. If you just want to scrap anything I have always used Redcorn (book them online) as they give the best price and have always been professional.
You’ve really made a lot of progress with everything you’ve achieved. Winning! And to have a timeline in place for jobs is key to getting motivated. I enjoy a sit down between jobs with my puzzle books. Mam loved her puzzles. I have her unfinished books in my garden bag. It’s both comforting and upsetting to see her wobbly writing and I try to finish the bits she has left. Can’t bear to get rid of them. I never imagined she would die. I really didn’t. I thought she would last forever. I wish she would come back to me. I’d do anything. I would take her place so she could have her life back again and I would be content being able to watch her from the spiritual world. She means more to me than life itself. To be without her is unbearable. Soz, it’s always there.
Must dash now for therapy. Just hope I can stop crying long enough to get there.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
Have a bit of time before I leave for my therapy so popped back in. Beautiful stage decor! So pleased you enjoyed the day with your family. Was there lots of chat about your mam and dad too? That’s what I really miss, talking to family about mam because they knew her and we would be able to all remember different things and laugh about stuff. Hope you have lots of lovely things to carry you through Fathers Day. And whatever you do it will be special, as always! Your mam and dad will be so proud to have raised such a lovely young man! You’ll be needing a rest today but are you meeting up again? Time whizzes by so quickly when you don’t want it to and goes so slowly when you don’t.
You’ll see from my pics to Tina (she was first in the posts) that I had a very productive day yesterday and am feeling rather shattered today and quite tearful. Always happens when I’m tired and don’t have a set task ahead of me. But have a swim booked after therapy so will be nice in the outdoor pool (with the floating hair and sunbathing flies all around me!)
I think in the future there may be a pill invented for all grief sufferers who just can’t move forward in life. Maybe’s people see what I do and think I am moving on. Sometimes I think I am too when she feels far away or still on holiday.
Have got anything else booked up yet? Can’t imagine the dancers performing in this heat. Saw on the news how the young guards at Buckingham Palace have been passing out in their uniforms in the heat. Going to get even hotter by the weekend. So will be gardening in the shade if I can and sitting in my fridge the rest of the time!
Must dash babe as have to leave in a mo. Porsch must know what day it is because she’s gone back to bed and I don’t have to go searching for her.
Lots of love xxx

[Beki]

Hi all

So sorry I haven’t been about. i keep wanting to post photos but for some reason can’t from my phone so think I will do it when I am the computer but then work runs away with me.

Hope everyone is keep well.

@christine51 loving your photos (you are so much organized than me!)

My garden is coming on. I WILL eventually get round to posting some pictures!

I’m doing okay. Feeling a bit blue the last few days - having a bit of quake hit on missing mum. Not sure what has prompted it, we all know how these things hit like waves.

I have been doing cold water immersion, my friend lent me her cold pod and have now got my own. It does seem to help - especially through the hot weather. Hopefully soon my friend is taking me outdoor swimming and I am actually looking forward to it.

@NEILB72 looks like you had a great time with your Oz family. Moulin Rogue looks amazing, what a set!

Much love to everyone
Beki x

[christine51]

Hi Beki,
Whatever you are up to you are always in my thoughts, as is everyone. Don’t be hard on yourself at all about getting anything done outside of working from home. I’m only getting on with the garden because I can’t face doing my textiles. It comes in waves of creativity. I have a pile of work waiting for me to finish and a batch to photograph and then have to add all to the website and update it but just cannot face doing it (was in the middle of updating when mam happened and haven’t been able to go there since). It will happen but I have to go with the flow of whatever is stressing me out at that time (grouting the patio is my current task and clearing the pond of mud so I can actually see the water and not just mud). So the fact that you are working at all amazes me because I don’t know how you or anyone else does it.
I was in floods of tears yesterday for mam in my therapy. It was in waves and then I would seem to get over it until the next but it’s a daily thing now. Not sure if Porsch being ill has brought the whole thing of death closer to the surface again. She seems quite a bit better, eating more and weeing like a trooper! Have to catch her to get a sample off to the vet. Not looking forward to that in the oven on wheels (still haven’t got the air con sorted as a faff having to wait for it to be done on my own).
Your cold water pod sounds intriguing, like something Eddy would have on Ab Fab! Is it a thing you get locked into with just your head out? Would love to be cold! Combo of hot weather, menopause hot flashes, panic and sweating is like being in a sauna in a fur coat in the middle of the hottest jungle in the Amazon. Going swimming is a relief because it is always cool getting in there (takes my breath away! - sure they don’t heat the water any more with the whole cost of living). The outdoor pool is only open weekends. Went yesterday and only stayed for about 20 mins. Just can’t face being around people having fun.
Looking forward to seeing your pics and tell me more about your pod! My therapist was telling me about a client who has a barrel of water in his garden and he sits in there every day, including in the depths of winter. Swears by it. My neighbours would love that!
Hope the grandad is well and doing lots of fun things.
How is your friend / boss who lost her dad? She’ll be finding it extra tough today.
Very annoyed with myself about my lovely gravel path getting caught up in the mud when I was emptying the pond. Waiting for Amazon to get the gravel in again from the same seller as it was a bargain. I always go head first into whatever I’m doing and don’t think about the ‘consequences’. So it’s one step forward and a couple back at the mo. Quite exhausted.
Going to sit out with a puzzle to tempt me into starting some work out there.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
Just popping in to see how you are today with it being Fathers Day. Whatever you do will be special. Thinking of you x
Lots of love xxx

[NEILB72]

Hi Beki
Yes had a lovely day in London. That was the first family I had seen since Mums funeral. Just shows what my UK family are like. The Oz family are totally different. It really was lovely to see them
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[NEILB72]

Hi Christine
I was OK on Father’s Day as I knew I would be meeting my relatives from Brisbane. Just another date on the calendar for me now. More important to me is Dad’s birthday which is coming up on 10th July.
So nice to see my Oz relatives as they had originally planned to visit a few years ago until covid struck.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x