Hi Debbie,
I’ve come in from the garden having had a rather traumatic day! So I’ll tell you my news first and reply to your lovely long post! Got a wee sample to the vets (up at 6 to change her tray to catch the wee in the plastic beads). The receptionist was very unhelpful, arguing that the vet had called me about Porscha’s blood test results when I asked if they were done. She couldn’t even find them on the system. Gave up as it was like arguing with a child! So will know next week if Porsch has kidney damage.
Got back to fins a car parked in my bay. Sat beeping my horn and it was only when I turned the car around and came back that the new neighbour (not sure if he is just a visitor there) came out. I had to get out of the car as he wouldn’t come over and explained it is a designated bay and just for me. He argued the toss that he is disabled and can use it. When I was trying to get him to look at the notice board clearly stating it is just for my number only he refused to believe me or look and because he had never heard of such a thing it couldn’t be true! I told him to google it and that if he was out and parked in a designated bay he would be fined. I wouldn’t back down, wouldn’t park behind his car like he told me to and so he eventually gave in and moved because I wouldn’t stop explaining about the bay being mine. He even went on to say that there’s lots of fake badges around! and so I explained about my panic attacks and he said he has them too. Absolute bollocks! (soz Debbie!) Infuriating. It was like arguing with my dad who always thinks that he is right and if he doesn’t believe it then it’s not true. I had already mentioned this in my card to the woman. So afterward I was very loud on th ephone to my therapist telling him all about it and that I shouldn’t have to argue with anyone to use my own bay. I mentioned about reporting him to the council and dvla, having proof on my cameras but not wanting to be that person. I then spoke with my friend 2 doors down who has applied for a bay (got the paperwork through the door and I wanted to say well done for getting this far as it takes ages). I chatted generally but mentioned about the fight he would have if his bay was not designated. So I think the message is well and truly made clear! I will not be intimidated by people who think they can do what they want because I am a woman on my own. I’m sure if that was a man’s bay the bloke would not have been so bolshy! Makes me so mad. But I got round the garden with the hose and filled the ponds up and half way round I noticed the creep was creeping behind the fence (I could see his feet). So I grabbed my phone and was recording the gap in the fence. He eventually gave up and went in. I am so exhausted with having to battle the neighbours just because I live in this street. Did hear a comment about how people have underestimated me and that I’m very pro active. I’d also mentioned about the creep creeping about at 4.30 am, letting everyone know about him. I just keep thinking that whatever they do to me isn’t anything in comparison to losing mam.
I was quite amused by the patterns in my newly cemented patio. Looks like ballet dancers holding hands (man leaping from the far right and then 2 women).
Waiting for more cement to be delivered tomorrow but I will have to collect more stones to fill in between slabs.
I wish I had nice neighbours too and would love to have you round for a cuppa! I just don’t understand the attitude on the people in this street. I was here before any of them and refuse to move. It’s very stressful having to always be vigalent and defend myself against them.
Your garden always looks so well kept and your roses are splendid! I need to get round with my pruners. Always see the work that needs doing when I go round with the hose. Did a bit more of my pond mud but will leave it now and try to be patient (not my best virtue!). Waiting for my sludge buster. There’s so many little creature flitting about. Not sure what they are but I’m getting bitten all the time I’m out there.
Your neighbours greenhouse reminds me of the one at the old garden. I was forever tidying pots. I’d love one but with all the trees didn’t think it was a good idea. Miss my shed. Your beautiful dahlias also remind me of Sunday visits when I’d do vases for mam and always have handfuls to bring home. Dad loved dahlias. His favourites were the dinnerplates. I was delighted to find a little one and then realised it had been munched.
Doug would be so proud of you Debbie with everything you have achieved. Balancing work, maintaining the garden (getting a new pond too) all your church do’s, seeing family and friends, going on holiday. It shows how strong you are to want to be present in your life and not hide away. And looking forward to your retirement is massive. So many people feel lost without a work routine. You are blessed that you have a loving family around you and your church. I think wherever support and love comes from makes a great difference to having a positive mindset through grief. I was just saying that to my therapist because I feel so lost and alone without my mam. I’m always on the verge of tears. It’s always there, beneath the surface. She always said what a strong person I am. I don’t want to be strong. I want someone to look after me for a change (as long as I still have my independence).
I wish I had contacted my MP about the creep when he drilled through the loft wall. But without evidence (I didn’t have cameras then) nothing could be done because he denied everything and the council couldn’t ‘take sides’! in a ‘neighbour dispute’! Even the police said it was a council matter. I keep hearing neighbours wondering why I don’t just move away. Why should I? There seems to be a reward system in the council where the victim is encouraged to move so they don’t have to deal with the situation. I keep telling myself it could be worse. But there is no relief.
I wouldn’t expect your knee op any time soon, unless you’re very lucky. You could go private to jump the queue. Mam and dad had their knees and hips done. My appointment from last year has been postponed again in July. It’s to investigate the iron in my blood. I know I’m not at deaths door with it and there’s nothing I can do but it is infuriating because I’m always tired and it can be very serious long term if the iron levels increase (already 3 times over the norm).
Debbie, how have you been able to live without your lovely mam? I just can’t let her go. It’s not because I want to be upset all the time and I know mam wouldn’t want that for me. I’m living in an empty space that has only sadness in it and a longing to return to the past because that is the only happiness I have now. It’s so unfair that she had to leave. I want her to come back. I would do anything.
Your farm life sounds wonderful! My relatives from Yorkshire had a farm with sheep and they’d bring the babies into the big kitchen for their bottle feeding. Such an idyllic lifestyle. I loved making camps in the barns (so dangerous with a ladder across up in the roof). Having a river running through it too is the stuff of fairy tales. Conjures up many a camping trip up north where we faffed about with the dinghy. I miss going on holiday and being free. Loved the freedom of camping more than lying on a beach somewhere.
I could never really see myself as married, unless it was to an artist or unconventional type but it never happened. To have found your soulmate in life is more special than anything I can think of. Must feel like being ‘complete’. Imagine too how thrilled Doug was to have found you. You would have made him as happy as he has made you. It’s something I’ve never experienced. Always knew it wouldn’t last. Excitement and fun are short lived in comparison to building a life together. I’ve always viewed myself as ‘separate’, an ‘artist’.
I know it must feel strange going to the wedding without Doug but imagine him there with you, listen to him telling you it will be ok once you get there and it’s not like you are going on your own. Have you chosen your outfit? I still see mam in her blue dress with her feathery head piece. She was always so elegant. I wish I could have joined in all the lovely things she did and then I would have more memories to cherish. You’re making new memories now and can tell Doug all about it. He’ll always be by your side, whatever you’re doing. It will be another thing to add to the many things you have already achieved. You are a strong lady Debbie! You’ll enjoy it when you settle in and start dancing! Mam loved to dance.
Just realised the time. Have you been watching the Russian poisoning drama with Neil Tennant (Alexander Litvinenko)? Very good. Need to grab a bite and will watch it an hour late. Porsch is still out there so will try to coax her in with a treat. Works every time! I’m managing now to get her tablet into her now, even though she’s very good now at spitting it out.
Lots of love xxx
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