Hi Suzanne,
I hope Porsch will eat the new food. It will be with me by 10pm tomorrow. Warming the catfood is certainly having a good effect, though she doesn’t eat a lot. I can’t believe I didn’t see how little she was eating and how skinny she has got. I know everything you are saying is true but there is nobody else apart from me so she has had to rely on me for her well being. There was so many reasons why I thought she wasn’t eating properly and was getting annoyed at the amount of food being thrown away. That’s why I got little pouches again instead of tins. I just keep thinking if I’d acted sooner and not been doing the bloody garden then I could have started her treatment sooner and she wouldn’t be as ill now. I’m so desperate for her to not leave me. But I will make the decision when I know I need to. I’ll just see if she will get a little better with the combination of food and tablets. Don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight. I’m so terrified that I’ll find she’s died on her own without me there to love her. I hope I see mam when she comes to collect Porsch. She always loved mam. Feel awful now that I have to get the tablet into her as she hates it. She looks at me as if to say ‘How could you!’ I wish I was a more relaxed and patient person. I could have spent so much more time with her, just sitting together. That’s what I always come back to with mam. I have so many regrets now about who I am. I hate being me.
Hello Christine
I know you said you’d be asleep (and I hope you are, to rest your mind) but I said I’d check back later tonight and I wanted to keep my word.
It’s a pity none of us live close by enough to drop by and lend a hand, I think we would all be round like a shot. I hope you both manage a bit of peacefulness and that tomorrow brings something positive.
Much love to you both. xx
Dear Christine, it’s very late now so hope both you and Porsch are getting some good restorative sleep.
Please please don’t say you hate being you… have said before but you sound such a lovely kind warm hearted person and am sure Porsch loves having you as the one who is looking after her and her friend. Think you are doing a lot for her and so often it is impossible to see what is wrong… You are doing everything you can and so much hope that her condition will stabilise…
Sending you and Porsch love and hugs xxx
Hello Christine
It’s just gone 7.30am. Been thinking of you both. Palou is right in her lovely message. I’ll pop in again shortly.
Much love xx
Morning Christine, I’ve only just got up been thinking about you both. I hope you managed to get some sleep.
Speak to you later
Love Debbie xx
Hi Tina,
I did get some sleep on the sofa and then on cushions next to Porsch on the floor. When I was making a fuss of her she kissed me like she used to on the face and was purring. Google info said to watch for signs of good quality of life at the later stage so she isn’t there yet. I was thinking how she doesn’t do her screaming any more and can’t remember when it stopped. It used to drive me mad but I now know the meowing is a sign of thyroid. I know she’s old (17) but I didn’t see her getting ill. I thought she needed a boost with her appetite and a change of food. But she is eating better now that I’m heating it up.
I feel so alone Tina. And having to do this alone is unbearable. I’m sure my therapist will come with me when I need to take her. Not sure I can ask my niece as she’d have to take time off work. I keep seeing me at the vets having to say goodbye as they inject her to put her to sleep. She’ll be so distressed. Don’t know how I’ll drive myself home again. Can’t imagine how I’ll get through the day without her. She is my love. I hope mam visits me to collect her. I hope Porscha dies at home with me but I cannot even imagine that horror because what do I do then? Trying to maintain a perspective is impossible. I know you are all here for me and Porsch but I really need my mam
I always seem to turn on myself and blame myself for everything I could have done differently because I just can’t bear what is happening. Did get some sleep and had kisses from Porsch when I was stroking her when we woke up. I know she couldn’t be more loved and looked after (spoilt!) than what I do but it isn’t enough to make her well again. I should have taken her to vet when she was being sick instead of delaying and trying different food. There was always an explanation - food wasn’t right, furballs, drinking too much water etc. If I’d paid closer attention instead of doing the garden she might have been diagnosed sooner and not be as ill now. Just shocking. I still can’t take it in.
I did and Porsch seemed happier this morn, giving me kisses on the face when I was stroking her, like she used to all the time. Can’t stop crying but will get the new food by 10 tonight and warming it up is working as she’s eating more. Going to be so hot today (28) that I’m hoping she won’t overheat because I couldn’t get the antibiotics in time Fri and not sure if she has a slight temperature. I want mam to be here so she can tell me what to do and be with me. I don’t want her to die and leave me. I want to be with them both in Heaven. I’m so tired of having to battle each day and it’s just got harder and will be even harder again when I have to say goodbye to Porsch. Terrifies me.
Hello Christine
When do you next have a therapy session?
Just take an hour at a time, it’s really hard when you look further on in time but it’s what we do isn’t it.
If she’s comfortable, in company and managed to have eaten you are doing really well. Make sure you look after you as well.
Christine it’s an incredibly painful situation you are in and yes I know you don’t want to call on your Niece/family but to be honest they are family and it’s their job to come to your aid when in need. I know you are self reliant and independent and don’t like asking. Just tell yourself you are asking “for Porsch’s benefit” rather than your own if it helps. Just another way of looking at the situation.
Will continue to think of you both and will check back in later
Much love. Xx
Christine,
You are an amazing lady and an amazing cat mum to Porsch. Tina is right though, you need to look after you too and if you need help from your family please ask them at least. I know you’re independent but sometimes we all need a little help.
Me and the girls send you so much love and lots of hugs and a kiss to Porsch.
We are all here for you too.
Lots of love,
Nic xxx
Hi Tina,
Just finished doing the fishtank but felt guilty that I wasn’t sitting out with Porsch. I did between tasks, giving her water and a lacy tablecloth to sit on in the shade but she’s moved to her usual spot. She’s eating so much better and having treats. But when I was clearing up at the fishtank I found one f her tablets on the floor. Very sneaky spitting it out there as I only go there to feed the fish twice a day. Wondering now how many more she’s not swallowed. She’s always been stubborn. I’m so worried that the end will come quicker if she keeps spitting them out. So think I’ll do it just before she eats to know it has gone down. Still waiting for the food delivery and have also done an online shop for tomorrow to get the puppy pads as it’s the only thing to absorb the wee when it’s on the floor. It’s like going through the motions but I needed to do the tank and the shop. Porsch has been having a wash too which is a good sign.
My next therapy is Tues afternoon but I’m not sure that I should leave her alone incase she needs me. I did feel much calmer and reassured when I spoke to him about trying the food as another course of treatment before making any decisions. I know I’m like a child and overreact to everything but I’m still not able to not blame myself for not getting her to the vet much earlier. Dad always blamed mam for everything and so I only have myself to blame. I know how stupid that is. I won’t be contacting anyone for help. My niece will have told her mam and my sis will have told my other sis. She never texts back or answers my calls anyway so it’s a waste of time trying. I don’t want to be pressured by any of them into doing what they think is best and not allowing mw to make my own decisions. My sis just doesn’t care at all about me now. Don’t think she ever did. Think part of her being free after mam was not having me in her life. Haven’t heard from my niece again.
I really don’t know how I have arrived at this situation in my life where I have nobody to call on for support and love (apart from you all who are more precious to me than you can know). I remember my therapist telling me that mam had thanked him for helping me and that I am very precious to her. Still makes me cry. I really need her now. Can’t imagine how I’m going to cope. Feel very sick since I got the news.
I really do appreciate all of you! xxx
Hi Nic,
Porsch has always been my baby. I never wanted kids so she’s the closest thing to having a child to care for. I feel so very sad that she is reaching the end of her life. I can’t imagine my life without her. She has always lived here with me. I have nobody because my family want nothing to do with me, apart from my niece and she is away for her birthday. My whole life collapsed with mam leaving. So Porsch and my therapist are the only ones in my life. And now Porsch will leave me too. I’m absolutely heartbroken. I really am. I should have got her to the vet sooner but there was always things to try first. I didn’t see how ill she was, how much weight she had lost. She’s in the garden still so I might go back out there and sit with her as I’ve been busy doing the fishtank and an online shop. Had to be done. Everything will take second place to Porsch now and the garden will have to take care of itself. When I’m with her I’m upset as all I can think about is how ill she is and that she will leave soon and I will never be able to love her again because she won’t be here. I don’t know how I will get out of bed without her here, xxx
Hello Christine
Glad to hear Porsch is settled for a while and you have felt up to doing a few chores.
I can understand you wanting your Mam, the mind instinctively “looks” for our Mum’s doesn’t it when something is wrong or someone is poorly.
Its like Nic said, you are an incredible pet parent and believe me you probably put most pet parents to shame. You are very right about all the things it could have been, fur ball etc so don’t go stressing if at all possible.
Will check back in later on you both.
Lots of love xx
Hi Tina,
Porsch is out and just been in for a bite and a toilet but won’t stay in with me. I was sitting out with her after doing her a new toilet (water is just passing straight through her) but the creep is back so I’ve had to come in.
I feel in a complete fog. Going through the motions of doing jobs because if I sit too long I will fall apart. But I’m wondering why her kidneys have packed up. She doesn’t eat loads of stuff she shouldn’t. I can’t face google again. I don’t even have the hope that it will all be ok in the end because the end is what I’m dreading. Will have to go to the vets myself with her and I’m dreading it. Not sure what is going to happen unless it is a general check but she already had that.
Posted to mam on her tribute site, telling her about Porscha and hoping she will collect her when it is time. I hope she does and I can see her again. I just want us to be together. Never wanted anything so badly.
I know Porsch has had a happy and free life. I just can’t bear to not have her with me forever. There was a rerun of Whitechapel (detective series) where a woman had kept her dead husband under the table surrounded by newspapers so he could still be with her. I totally get that need to keep the person and not let them go, like on Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Nobody tells us how desperate we feel for it to not be true and to do anything to change it. I want to sit and love Porsch but she won’t come in and I don’t want to stress her. She’s always been free to roam about (not that she goes far) and do her own thing while I’m working or gardening. The house and garden will be an empty space without her.
Her food still hasn’t arrived. I don’t know how I would have coped without you being here for me, letting me express everything. I will never understand my dad telling me to not be upset for mam (hiding inside my grief for her) but my sister was allowed to be really upset. I’m so worn out now I could do with a sleep.
Might try to get Porsch to come in. I don’t remember when she stopped getting up on my bed in the morning. She has her own stool to make it easier for her. It’s cooler in the sitting room so I followed her in there to sleep.
It’s so very difficult having any privacy to cry freely in my own home with the windows open. People have heard and I am yet again the subject of their amusement. I don’t care what they think. Porsch is all that matters now.
Sure I’ll pop back in again. Back on the crying rollercoaster. But I realised this time is not quick like it was with mam, though the thing of time is anxiety provoking because I don’t know what I’m dealing with. Like you say, take each bit as it comes. It’s all I can do. I’ve been living with death all around me and now it’s here again. The pain of loss is so intense. My two most loved ones in this world. I’m terrified of being left behind again. I just want Porsch to be ok again.
Christine, there is nothing you have done or not done for Porsch’s kidneys to start failing, it just happens. You love her, feed her all the right things, she is just getting an old lady.
We all get illness and ailments as we grow older that’s just life as cruel and heartbreaking as it is.
Ignore your neighbour, if you want to sit in the garden with her do it. Don’t be ashamed of tears, it their problem not yours.
Would the neighbours two doors down come with you to the vets on Monday. Just as you supported him.
Please make sure you eat and drink plenty as you will be unwell next. Your mum is with you and she will be there for Porsch when the time comes, but it’s not here yet. Keep faith.
Sending love to you both
Debbie xx 
Hi Christine
Anyone would know she has only been fed the very best. It’s not something she has been given to eat. Some times it can be predictable like when they are an older pet. Sometimes it’s totally, totally random. This happened to my beautiful kitten. She wasn’t a kitten if young age but she wasn’t yet two. We were so taken aback and in shock for along time.
Of course, because she has had a loved and cherished life doesn’t make this pain any less but of all the homes she could have gone to it was yours and what a gift of companionship and love you are to each other.
I understand how the lack of privacy with your neighbour is impacting you when you are worried like this, I’d be completely the same. As much as you can, try to pretend he’s not there or not significant enough to worry about. Which he definitely isn’t.
You are getting through the afternoon somehow, soon be the evening. Just a bit at a time and then the new food should be arriving. Something new will get her attention and give her a bit of interest.
I wish I could be more helpful because I know how words don’t even come close when you are out of your mind with worry but we are all here for you as best we can be.
Keep holding on as best you can. Much love to you both as usual, and I’ll check in again shortly.
Xx
Hi Debbie,
I can see you are here. I can’t get Porsch in so have been Googling but it’s too upsetting seeing the end stage symptoms. But I now know why Porsch sometimes looks lost and confused, like she doesn’t know where I am even if I’m telling her in in the bath or whatever. She won’t come in and I can shut the door and leave her out there but can’t sit out because of the creep and his mate. So I’m just sitting waiting for her to want to come in. As an older cat she is generally sleeping anyway so it’s not unusual. I feel so lost and just waiting for Monday to arrive. Dreading going on my own. But I must. Just want someone to share this with and talk about it, to share the burden. My sister told me that people who live alone die early because of it. I can see why. I’m just sitting with the pain and can’t get it out, no matter how much I post to you all. Just didn’t see it coming.
xxx
That rubbish people that live on their own don’t die early. I know lots of older people who have lost partners and still fighting fit even in their 80s & 90s.
Porsch will come in when she is ready.
I’ll be back later
Love Debbie xx
Hi Debbie,
Just got my renal food delivery. It was upsetting emptying the cupboard of all her cat food pouches and treats. I had some left over after buying a new brand so a mixed bag. I read that if she won’t eat the renal food there’s a supplement to add to her regular food. But fingers crossed. Porsch coming in when she’s ready would be what mam would have said. I might try sitting with her again but was in floods of tears earlier and couldn’t stay out.
Don’t know why my sister said that to me. It wasn’t part of a conversation we were having. I love living alone and having my freedom to do as I please. Be great if I had people in my life to spend time doing stuff with to balance it out.
Hope the new food will perk her up. Want to love her but she just wants to be left in peace. If I could take her place so I could be with mam and Porsh could be young again I would.
Been googling for info about end stages and things to look out for but it’s too horrific. I can’t take any more upset at the mo. But I did find out why cats are prone to kidney disease. They have half the amount of ‘nephrons’ in their kidneys (filtering units) than dogs do so over a third of older cats will get kidney disease. It’s a relief that its a natural thing that happens and not my fault. I couldn’t have prevented it. But I feel so sorry for her. She’s such a loving soul.
Going out to see her. Time has become very strange again, like living in a vacuum. I do things but then stop because I should be with Porsch.
I’m off to bed Christine, I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.
Love to you and Porsch
Debbie xx