Hiya,
This is just too weird…nice weird…I was there with my mum on the Saturday before she took ill the next day as we were staying at the Premier Inn x
Hi Neil,
I’m so glad you didn’t ‘listen’ to the anxiety and went with your gut instinct to go as you sound like you had a nice time/meal. Makes a difference that you had nice company and food.
A nice chat is always a mood lifter and I like the fact that your friend is always looking out for you 
x
My friend phoned too this evening so a bit later getting tea than wanted but it was nice to hear from us so didn’t mind.
I never meet anyone at the stage door x when I was in New York a few years back I tried to hang around the stage door to meet Hugh Jackman but I got caught trying to sneak in and was asked to remove myself 
x my friend was mortified x
When is you are at the theatre again to see Ralph Fiennes? My head is mince is just now lol x
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Oh wow. Small world! Me and my mum popped in there just before Christmas for a latte as she had to have her booster in Glastonbury. Do you think you’ll ever go back to Glastonbury or is it too painful? It was the first time I’d been to the restaurant since me and mum went that day. Was hard going in xxx
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Funny you should ask that I’m actually heading down there on Tuesday for two days as we had planned to go down for my birthday so everything was booked and I thought long and hard about but am biting the bullet and heading down on my own. As you know the town is the kind of place you can feel at home on your own or in a group x
I think I need to go and face a few fears as I can’t imagine never being able to go there again and I know mum would be so annoyed with me if I never went again x
It will be hard but like Neil today I will face my fears and take it from there.
How are you doing today? x
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Hi Christine,
How are you today? You sound a bit more upbeat today or have I picked that up wrong?
I’m going to head to the garden centre on my day off on Friday so will send you photos of anything I buy lol x
Like Tina said you seem so knowledgeable so would like to learn from you.
My friend is actually a gardener to trade and actually worked in Scone Palace gardens but she now has arthritis so doesn’t get to do as much now as she’d like. She knows some very odd stuff about plants but ask her anything sensible and she hasn’t got a clue
Wishing you a good few days and chat soon xx
Oh that’s good that you’re going. Will you be popping into the old tannery? My brother in law is normally in the kitchen cooking up a storm. I can’t even go into sainsburys at the moment as that’s where I used to take mum shopping but I was the same after my gramps died but this is different. One day maybe but not just yet. Think it’s really brave you’re going just like Neil going out today. But it may also help at the same time x
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I’m going down with an open mind and an open itinerary so not sure x only thing I know for sure is my walk up the Tor and visit to the Goddess centre…as for that I’m not sure but the food we had when we did visit the Old Tannery was amazing x
Have you managed to have a good day today?
Oh I meant to say I was reading about mor mor (is that right)? and I agree with Christine that your wee ones could very well smell her and speak to her as I like to believe that children have the gift that majority of people lose as they grow up. That’s just my belief xx
I’m at the theatre on Saturday Suzanne so really looking forward to that.
Stage door is hit and miss sometimes and during Covid it hasnt been allowed but it’s always a nice added bonus when you see a show .
Speak soon x
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Hi Tina
Yes I really enjoyed it and I’m sure Mum was there looking down and approving. It was something that I had to do
Have a good evening
Neil x
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He is a good chef. Maybe in the Easter holidays I might take my eldest there for lunch. The thing is my mum lived in a village which is on the way to Glastonbury. About 20 mins away. Although I don’t drive through it the signposts and stuff but I’ve been there since she went. I don’t know. I’ll see. I don’t think I’ll be able to go by her house for a long while. Especially with other people living there. I think I’m in denial or have not reached acceptance. I keep imagining her at home or sat in her garden or something. I had to take my eldest to town today to get some bits for her Easter bonnet for school. I saw the card shop and went in and got mum a card. By the time I got to the till I had tears streaming. The till guy must of been like what the hell. It was a remembrance card so think he understood. Also had to go to the doctors for something and broke down there too. I hope you’re having a good day xxx
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Yes her the kids all called her mor mor. I think you’re right. Even my 2 year old was on her toy phone the other day talking to mor mor xxx
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You are still so early on this path so don’t be so hard on yourself for being human and missing your mum…we all do here and it’s going to take a lot to get past Sunday but that’s why we are all here for each other 
X
I have no doubt that your 2 year old was talking to mor mor on the phone and if it helps them even a tiny bit then can only be a blessing.
How are your sisters doing? Are they able to help and be of comfort to you? x
I hope the doctor was able to give you something to help you even get some sleep tonight x
Sounds like a good day planned and with an actor of his calibre I am confident that it will be pretty amazing x
I’m meant to be getting my tattoo on Saturday but as this is the third time it’s been scheduled I’ll believe it’ll happen when I’m physically in the chair ‘being drawn on and mutilated’ as mum used to put it x
Hope your evening is pleasant and chat soon x
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In all honesty I barely hear from anyone at the moment. I see my sister on the school run but not heard from her all day. I don’t really hear from my big sister. I have no doubt mum would be looking out for ‘her girls’ as she used to call them. My youngest is called evie and she’s a little monster but very cute with it. Mum used to call her evils. Yes it will be a hard day on Sunday but we will all get through it together xxx
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Hi Neil,
Very well done xxx You did it. Your mam would be so proud of you. The first time is always the biggest step because there is so much riding on it, whether you can go through with it or not. You really are doing so well. I’m proud of you xxx
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Hi Christine
Thank you . I am pleased that I managed to do it. Saw a couple of Mum’s friends that she used to speak to in there as well. Hope to make it a more regular occurrence in time.
Sending my best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Suzanne,
Enjoy your days away. You are brave going on your own. Never been Glastonbury. Always wanted to go to the festival but couldn’t imagine dealing with the toilet situation so never did it. Don’t know anything about the town but it does sound lovely. You made me laugh having to remove yourself from the stage door in New York. And yes, let me know what you get for the garden and I’ll give you some ideas based on what I do.
I had a very productive day again (will take pics of my diy tomorrow) until dad’s phonecall stopped me in my tracks. I had to reschedule my therapy for tomorrow because of the car repairs and I had said to dad to book his in any day but not when I have my therapy. I got messages from my sisters phone that he was booked in tomorrow and would need to be collected from the garage early, dropped off at my sister’s house (5 mins down the road) but that I would have time before going to therapy. So when I did speak to him I said I could not do it before therapy but could collect him after to collect his car. He was furious that I would not do what he wanted and could not/ would not understand that I couldn’t do it because I had plenty of time. I said he didn’t need to understand why but accept that I couldn’t and get a taxi. He said he’d walk! (He can’t walk far on a good day). And he refused my offer to collect him after therapy to go to the garage to collect his car. He is such a bully when he doesn’t get his own way. He did it to mam all of her life. I will not be pushed around and I said that my therapy is the only thing in my week that I have and he knew that and went ahead anyway. He tried emotional blackmail, saying he’d bent over backwards for me with the car (he’s been here 2 times and spent the rest of the time with my sister because I irritate him so much). So whatever he does for me he will use against me to get me to do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. I’m so furious. He either doesn’t listen to me or if he does he doesn’t accept what I say. I have therapy for my panic attacks and anxiety. He’s trying to force me into doing what he wants regardless of what I need to do on that day. I have a routine of getting ready in a set time so I can leave for my appointment and cannot do anything to disrupt that. I can’t take him to the garage, pay for my car, run him to my sisters and then go back home and sit and wait to go back out again. The stress attached to doing that is huge. I wouldn’t be able to leave the house for my appointment. I am so furious but also so upset that he thinks he can push me around and that my life is so shit that it doesn’t matter. That I don’t matter. I still haven’t got my bill yet from the garage so would have paid when I took him to collect his car. But he’s so pig headed that if I don’t take him in the morning I’m not allowed to take him in the afternoon to collect the car. He doesn’t behave like this towards my sisters. I will not be bullied. Mam controlled this behaviour outside of what happened between them. He has free reign now to say and do what he likes. I just cannot tolerate his attitude towards me. I’m so furious I can’t calm down. He put the phone down on me. He just won’t accept anything I say. Is it any wonder that I have anxiety when this is what I have to put up with? Sorry, I can’t tell anyone else. Thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow. I was doing well until now.
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That’s lovely that some of her friends were in there. I think making it a regular thing to tie into your week will create a routine you will look forward to. Doing things you enjoy balances out the hard days, giving you something to look forward to. Be lovely if your neighbour goes again.
You will see me ranting about my dad in my post to Suzanne. I had a really good day in the garden again until I spoke to him. He totally disregards what is important to me (my therapy) and will not even try to understand my anxiety. I’ll not go into the details again but I’m so furious and upset. Sorry, don’t want to put a downer on your lovely evening. Just a thought (you might think it’s silly) you could get those little gold stars we had in infant school to reward your achievements. Every success deserves to be celebrated. I’m all for rewarding goals set, especially those requiring effort and determination.
I forgot to say, it was lovely seeing you in your pics. Always good to put a face to a person.
Enjoy the rest of your evening x
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Hi Nicola,
You did make me laugh referring to your youngest as a little monster. I was always the naughty one, winding my sisters up and getting into all kinds of mischief. It was very unfair though when my sisters would blame me and mam always believed them. So unfair!
I ordered a lovely Mothers Day card. Had been avoiding knowing when it was but glad I know so I can celebrate mam like I would have if she was still here. Will add it to her shrine. I posted pics of my memory tags I did the other day. Really pleased with how it’s turned out.
Really pleased you’re posting here. It is lovely to share with people who do understand. You’ll see me ranting to Suzanne just now about my dad. He really spoilt my day. But I’m starting to calm down now I’m on here. I think getting it out makes all the difference.
Lots of love xxx
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Just wanted to let you know that crying in public is all part of this journey. I opened the door for a parcel and was unable to speak. I was crying so hard the bloke was really concerned and didn’t know what was happening. I just shut the door. Didn’t care.
Mentioning the Easter Bonnet makes me think of mam when I was little, dressing up at Easter, celebrating at South Shields with all the family. I always had new sandals (gold or silver) and it was always freezing. Miss being young and having no clue about any of this happening.
xxx
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