Hi Tina,
I do wish I could pop out to the shops. Would love some chocolate and crisps but the moment I think about driving up to the garage (just 5 mins away) I have that feeling of dread and it stops me. I haven’t been to Sainsburys for a long time as I would be able to pop in after my swimming. Stopped going there when I realised the creep had followed me (had seen his van parked and then heard the conversation when he got back so there was no doubt that that was what he had done). I miss looking at the plants and getting a bargain in the clearance. They do lovely oils too and room diffusers.
Not sure if I posted last night. I got my pond sorted yesterday - removed the filter that was emptying the pond water and refitted the pump and hose, refitted the other pump and hose but had a nightmare with trying to set up both the fountain head and the waterfall (opted for the waterfall), emptied the plants and planted directly into the mud, removed the plastic pots, filled the two ponds, added water treatments, added the lights again. Took ages and I was filthy dirty! but it was a good job done. Like Debbie says I have to be patient now and let the pond do its thing over the summer. Hope it clears because I couldn’t see the lights through the mud.
Sat out again today with Porsch and sorted some gravel from the mud drenched from the pond when I cleared it a while ago. Realised the creep had come back without me knowing so I had to stop. He didn’t leave again so I couldn’t get on with the patio. I sat with Porsch, coaxing her to eat but she really has no appetite. I’ve emailed the vet today that they need to order appetite tablets for her. I kept her wrapped up in blankets and we came in because it turned quite chilly. Had to pop my velvet dress on I was so cold. Porsch is in her drawer snoozing.
I think whatever you get your niece will be greatly received. Scents and smellies are always a good option. She might even have them in her shop. I wish I’d got my arms and legs tattooed with the full sleeve. I have one but can’t get anything now because of my lymph nodes being removed for testing with the cancer (they check to see if it has spread and luckily it hadn’t). Could swell up and never recover. I have enough going on without that!
Haven’t heard from my niece or anybody. Like I said, I could die and nobody would even notice. I’m accepted that I need to let that relationship go, along with all the rest that don’t bother with me. Can’t keep upsetting myself.
It’s good to be over the fatigue, although I’ve mostly been doing my puzzle book today. Nice relaxing, watching the birds and squirrels feeding. But I was very aware of the creep. Can’t see through the fence. It’s so creepy not knowing if he’s there and being silent, listening, or whether he’s watching. I hung my duvet and sheet up so I could sit behind them and be hidden from view. Ridiculous that I have to resort to these tactics just so I can sit out. But better than being trapped in the bedroom.
Had a salad for tea with crumpets and cheese for a change. Had a tin of ham and the key snapped so I couldn’t get into it and had to throw it away. I’m certainly not very domesticated!
Hope the creep goes back to work tomorrow so I can crack on with the patio. Going to rain at the weekend so I hope to get something done.
Have lots of bites on the back of my legs from the deckchair. So itchy! Will take pics if my pond clears.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Heidi,
Thank you so much! and welcome to our group. It will be 2 years in November that my mam left and I still find myself not believing its true. And then it hits me again. This is a real rollercoaster of a journey. I have found posting here helps to get the grief out of me. And the lovely people here are kind, loving and supportive. Real friendship. You are very welcome to join us.
I wish my mam could see my shrine. And my garden. I do it all for her. She is the only one that matters to me now.
Hope to see you here again.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Just a quick pop in before Monty. Got another section of patio grouted. Looking good. Had to check the weather for rain but ok until tomorrow (about 11 in the morn). Thunder, flash flooding and hail forecast! Creep came back early again and I had to endure Frank Sinatra blasting again. Couldn’t take any more and so I blasted Kiss for hours. Drowned out his music and it spurred me on to get some general tidying done but very warm doing anything at all. Pons starting to clear too.
Going to be a very muggy night (17). Wish I could leave the windows open but don’t want to entice the creep (images of him lurking and trying to get in).
Porsch is off her food. Barely eating. Could be the heat. She’s just had a little paste so at least it’s something. Very worried about her as she’s lost weight again. Waiting for the vet to get back to me.
Here’s Gardners World. Took some pics today so will post tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
Just got back from messy church, we were doing Zacchaeus the tax collector bible story today. We made palm tree with him sitting in the tree so he could see Jesus more clearly, he was a very little man.
The other were making binoculars, also coins using chocolate buttons and icing and another lady made a very large tree which the children decorated and was a prop in acting out the story and we then sang songs and had chicken burgers and ice-creams. A very good evening now have a break until September when the schools are back.
I’m glad your pond is starting to slowly clear, the heat is probably why Porsch is not eating much.
I will get someone to take my photo tomorrow so you can see what I wear to the wedding. We are praying it stays fine between half two to four, when we are at the church for photos. The forecast for this area says it should be.
Had some good news, my granddaughter that dances has got through the audition to dance in Cinderella at our local theatre production and also dancing in Babes in the Wood with another pantomime company. I’m so pleased for her.
I’m sitting in the garden with a cuppa at the moment, it is so warm this evening. I will probably catch up with you Sunday.
Love to everyone
Debbie xx
Hi Christine
I know it’s not funny but you gave me a bit of a laugh with the vision of Frank Sinatra music versus Kiss!!
I’m sure the warm weather sends people a bit strange. It’s 11.30pm and I’ve had to go to bed because the guy next door is out working in his garden, the guy opposite is fixing his car with a lump hammer and Zoe is going ballistic when I try to let her out to wee creating a right noise. He’s out and she won’t do what I tell her. I can truly understand now how awful it feels when you have to come inside all the time and how restricting that feels.
Had a really rubbish day today. It’s my Husband’s birthday tomorrow and I didn’t manage to get a card so will have to try tomorrow. I hope it’s not too hot to go out into town again.
Sorry to hear Porsch has not eaten much. The hot weather won’t be helping I imagine. Do you get the steroids for her appetite on Monday?
I did manage to de-weed all the paving on the front. It’s only been a week since I did them but they’ve grown back with a vengeance. It doesn’t stay in a neat state for long.
Sorry to hear you’ve not heard from no-one in last day or two. Although there is another adult in the house I feel incredibly lonely, so I can’t imagine what it feels like for no-one else to be in the house at all. He talks “at me” not "to me’ however and it’s that that makes me feel lonely.
I can here them still talking and laughing im the garden but I’m so tired so will try to ignore it and sleep.
Much love to you both xc
Hi Debbie
Popped in last night and saw your post. I had forgotton the wedding was today. Thinking of you and can’t wat to see your pics. Hope it does stay fine for the wedding photos. Got up late but managed to sit out with Porsch for about an hour before the downpour. Got the birds fed too. Porsch is barely eating now and bit me when I did her tablet. She’s so unhappy and obviously feels awful. I’ve even tried feeding her with my fingers and she’ll have a little but not much. I don’t know what to do for her if she won’t eat. She’s lost more weight again. I have a vet appointment mid week so hope they have the appetite medication for her. Might need another injection. She cried last time. She’s asleep in her drawer now. It’s very warm so I removed her blanket and she’s in a nest of my pj’s.
It must be so rewarding being involved with your church for the children. They must really look forward to it with all the activities and treats (surprised you had any coins left!) Did you hear about the horrendous crash in Wimbledon at a nursery school on last day of term. Don’t know what happened with the car to ram into the wall like that. There’s a debate about banning big cars in built up areas. Can’t see that happening though with all the wealthy mams ferrying their kids to school in them.
Your grand daughter is doing so well. She certainly has a good career ahead of her. She must be thrilled that all that hard work is paying off.
Got another big area done of the patio grouting yesterday. Really pushed myself to do it because it was so warm and I knew we would have rain today. So here it is:
Not sure what I’ll do here but I need to do around the posts and might create overflow sections from the bedding area.
The outside drain (far corner) is covered in two layers of paving in order to raise the level and covered in pots so I’ll have to work around that in my next batch.
Determined to get it done over the summer. A huge project but worth it to stop the stink of the rotting bird seed. Birds have relocated to the lawn and little table so the patio is clear to be used.
Noticed my new lawn at the back of the big pond has started growing.
I have a new rose in the old shed area
and the honey bush is doing well in the sun.
Delighted to see my pound shop tree from years ago has taken well and is in flower.
Not sure what this is but it is growing too and will block the ‘window’ above the Diana fountain when looking up the garden to enclose that space / room (can’t save rotated images - don’t know why).
Having watched Gardeners World last night I realise just how shady my garden is and that is why I don’t have much colour. I’m always thrilled when I see anything blossom. Surprised by the big daisies in the main bed
and I have a tiny flower on the ? (brain fog - can’t remember the name!)
My curry bush is starting to ripen too (really does pong of curry! but very pretty flowers).
My huge dandelion is now taller than me (5’2’')
I seem to have a knack with weeds. The old pram is thriving!
Thought I’d lost all my lobelia but thrilled that the odd bits are doing well.
Carnations remind me of mam.
My pansies are still going too.
Think I’ll have to abandon flowers and stick to shade loving plants in future. Cyclamen are continuing to flower at the top pond
and there are lots of baby snail jelly (couldn’t get a clear pic).
Will have to get in and remove the plants which have perished (hostas, ferns, box rose) and plant up the trellis area with what is left as soon as poss behind the big pond as there’s more light there. Have quite a bit of work to do in cutting back the fallen canopy
but my pond is clearing
and the plants haven’t moved from the mud so will keep an eye.
Now that I have taken a lot of the mud out I can repair the path. Keep looking for the same stones but not available. Really annoying. Donlt want to have to order a half tonne bag and have to cart it all up the garden in one go from outside the front with all the neighbours gawping. Plus don’t want to pay delivery fee.
So my interest in the garden has been revived again with my energy.
Saw a beautiful fox this morn at 5.30 when Porsch woke me up for food. Not the baby I’ve been feeding. I popped more food out for it and it must have come back again because the plate was empty when we got up later on. Clambering all over my pots. It was much bigger than I’ve ever seen before.
Still not dressed so I shall go and see if Porsch wants to try to eat again. It’s so stressful.
Hope you are dancing and laughing and having a ball!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
You’ll see I’ve just posted my news and garden pics to Debbie from yesterday. I was too tired to post last night. Really pushed myself to get the patio done before the rains today. We have a few claps of thunder but not the big storm I was hoping for, though it really did come down earlier.
Yes, blasting my music was a big ‘protest’ and I think probably shocked the creep and his mate because they were very quiet and eventually went in! I heard comments about me being sick of it. It’s a fine line between me feeling vulnerable and intimidated (coming in and being trapped in the bedroom for the day) or being angry that I have to endure the creep and his noise (never thought I could hate Frank Sinatra!) I also heard someone saying that I have a very different side to me. I do have a vile temper! when my patience has run it’s course. I prefer being angry because I feel strong. I can imagine how alone you must feel sharing a house with your bro when he is obnoxious to you. That can feel worse than being alone and having the freedom to choose and not have to accommodate another person. Can’t imagine living with anyone again. They would have to have their own thing going on and not always wanting my attention! I suppose your neighbours must be active with the cooler temperatures, though banging and hammering at that time is very anti social. Not surprised you came in. I would have too.
Very proud of my patio so far! Intricate work with filling in and getting the cement / water right. Porsch tried to intervene and I had to shout at her so she didn’t get cement booties! Always wants me when I’m busy and not when I’m sitting with her. She’ll go off and sit in the garden.
Well done for weeding the front. I know what courage that must have taken. I don’t do anything at the front of house. Think I’ve killed my hedge with trimming it back the other week. But I don’t care! Have no interest in being out there. Really have to get stuck into the beds and cut back canopies and climbers in the Autumn. Didn’t think my big projects (the fence, trellis and now the patio) would take so long and so much work. To have the freedom to just pick a bit of garden and tidy it up would be a dream! Will have to stick to woodland plants from now on. You’ll see from my pics there aren’t many flowers at all. My garden is generally just a sea of green.
Wondering if you got out for a card for your hubby? And a cake or something sweet? Here’s some pics just for you. Healing crystals to lift you up.
This one is very you with the rainbow mosaics!
Do you have a project on the go at the mo? I seem to be so busy getting big garden jobs done that creating mosaics has been put on hold for now.
Hope today is filled with loving memories of your marriage together. I know it will feel like a lifetime ago, another world, but you still have them to enjoy. I know remembering mam makes me so sad but I would rather that than not remember her at all. She seems to be quite far from me at the mo. She comes and goes. I wonder if she is very close to me when I’m upset. I wish we could tap into that world, just so we could have a glimpse and feel a little peace. That would make it better somehow.
Porsch is snoring in her drawer so I’ll quickly get dressed. Having a very slow day. Will pop back in later.
Hope Debbie is enjoying the wedding. There’s were so many things I stopped going to because of my agoraphobia. So many more memories I could have made with mam and now it’s too late. But I know if I’d been able to I would have. And she knew that too.
Forgot to say, my niece texted yesterday to see how I am. I was pleased and tried arranging a swim and to take my nephew for his pressie but she is busy seeing the boyfriend all weekend. But nice to hear from her anyway.
If you don’t get out to the shops you could always make a card. My cheeky photo creations were always a good laugh because I’d make up funny stories and feature al the family. Wish I could still do it.
Will pop back later to see how you are. Having you there for me always helps me get through the sadness.
Lots of love xxx and some for birthday hubbie xxx
Hello Christine
Your gardening photos are wonderful. Carnations, lobelias, pansies and nasturtiums are all old school plants and have a charm about them. I used to have prolific white and pink carnations but they died out. It’s amazing that if I think very hard I can remember the plants I’ve had but are no more. Num used to love her *African Flames, tall late summer plant with tropical orange flowers. Can’t recall the proper title now. Our front garden would light up with Yellow Stonecrop ground cover but they too have disappeared over the years.
Thanks for the crystal pictures. The mosaic one is mesmerizing, just love it.
As we speak the sky is lighting up with lightning and the thunder is cracking overhead. Kind of peaceful in a strange way. Gosh that was a severe bang. It’s lashing down and I can hear someones dogs crying. They must be really scared. It’s a really quite brutal storm.
No I haven’t got any projects being worked on at the minute. I still would like to do something mosaic-like but I’m really not into the dirty work that goes with it so may think I might buy tile squares that are ready cut than mess about cutting them.
I.did get to the shops. Went to Home Bargains and Aldi…So many nice things to buy in Home Bargains but I restrained myself and just bought some silver and rainbow flecked holographic confetti shapes for craft.
Sorry to hear Porsche is off her food again. Are there any kinds of human treats she hasn’t had before that might take her fancy? A bit of tuna in spring water as brine isn’t good for the kidney function. I know it’s a roller coaster for you.
Knackered today. I got up at 3.30am. Zoe came downstairs and I thought she might have wee’d but she wanted to sleep on the cold flagstones. She wasn’t getting her own way on that score! Then I must have fallen asleep for a couple of hours after that. Trouble is I ended up having a biscuit-fest in that short amount of time after Is been good! Have you any nice treats in Christine to snack on? I could just eat apple crumble with ice cream. Granted not a snack but you know what I mean!
Been a strange day up to now, very different but no different if you get what I mean.
Rain still lashing. Should keep creepy-kecks in his place indoors at least. Do you have cover on your patio where you can sit out in the rain in Summer? Hed look a bit of an idiot trying to potter about in the rain.
I’m going to get a coffee and some chocolate shortly. A bit annoyed I didn’t get anything indulgent now but Chocolate will be ok.
Catch you later
Much love to you both. Xx
Hi Nick
I’m pleased to hear all the physical stress and strain of what you have been going through is coming to a close and you will at least get chance to rest a bit. I can understand however it’s far from coming to a close emotionally. Often it’s the emotional strain that is far greater but if everything practical is done, you know you don’t have any added pressure.
It’s strange what triggers a thought isn’t it. Last night I was watching TV and in the commercial break there was this advertise ment for a mobile phone, Google Pixel I think. It could "unblur’ old photos, turn night photos into light photos and all kinds. You popped into my head at that point as I wondered what you’d make of it all. Going back many, many years now photography was an art and you had to earn your proficiency didn’t you. Now if you can tap on a screen or click s computer mouse you can be David Bailey in a blink of an eye. Photos are no longer a reflection of life but imagination. Oh well, I suppose it’s only some of us oldies that think that way. It’s probably exciting to everyone else.
Hope Kitty isnt too distressed with this thunderstorm. It’s abated now here but was pretty ferocious.
Speak again and much love.
Hi Christine
These yellow tall plants are the brightest flowering plants I have in the garden. They’ve been there 40years and each is on a stem of it’s own. It doesn’t grow in a clump. Never known what they are called!
The other id a lace-cap hydrangea just budding. They’ve been really slow growing and troublesome this year.
Xx
Hello all 
Been catching up with all your posts as been one hell of a long week and got another one to come! Tomorrow is our stocktake so myself and the store manager have a cracking 14 hour day because we can’t start the stocktake until we close at 6pm….god forbid we close early for once 
x
Been working mostly but went to see Russell Howard in Glasgow on Thursday after work which was hilarious but the theatre is so old that the seats were the worst I think I have ever sat in and my pal actually got wedges in her seat cause if the lack of leg room…I of course just laughed at her 
x. I would recommend seeing him if you like that kind of comedy x
My friend got her official diagnosis of RRMS and she says she’s ok with it but I know she’s struggling and because she was unfairly suspended from work pending investigation it’s just putting a lot of stress on her and the girls x I just say to her what will happen will happen whether she stresses or not….I don’t believe that either x
Went to St Andrews beach today and the tide was a bit further out than normal but the water was unexpectedly warm so was great to have a wee paddle in before the rain hit x
@christine51 I’m pleased for you that your niece has contacted you and one day she hopefully will realise the world doesn’t have be all boyfriend and no-one else x
Maybe just the heat with Porsch as Cal isn’t eating much either these last days as all he has done is sleep or mieow about absolutely nothing!
Your garden looks lovely as always and one day I will get to the weeds but just need this stupid stocktake out of the road x
Are you going to go for a swim after therapy this week? x
Never been a Sinatra or Kiss fan so I’m glad neither of you live near me at this point but the juxtaposition of the two styles did amuse me as Tina said. Dunno why but never had Creep down as being a rat pack boy…always pictured him in my mind as more of an Ozzy fan x
What’s next in the garden for you? 
xx
@NEILB72 what did you think of Indy? My pal wants to go see the new Mission Impossible one but not a fan of Tom Cruise and his creepy Scientology lot lol x
Do you have anything planned for this weekend/this week? x
I saw they erected a new Indy statue at Leicester Square about two days after I was there…damn typical lol x
Is your fam back in Oz now? Do you think you’ll ever go visit them? x
Hope your week hasn’t been too hard and you still get to speak to your friend midweek x
Chat soon hopefully, much love 
x
@Nick22 and @Palou hope you both are doing ok this week. I’m just so sleepy this week I think I just need a day to do nothing…then I get bored…then can’t be bothered doing anything…the joys of having ADHD x
I remember reading Nick about you moving into your brothers house so hopefully that will all go smoothly x
Love to everyone and will do better to post more regularly but like Debbie (I think) said do read them all regularly x
I’ll post a couple of photos from St Andrews…far from my best photos but it was raining x
Much love to you all xx
Hi Tina,
Just came in with Porsch. Sat out again after it cleared up. Tried Porsch with a bit more food (renal paste mix heated up in the microwave) byut she has a tiny bit and then has a wash like she’s just had a full plate. I read that end stage can go down hill extremely quickly and it can be just a few weeks. I’m totally heartbroken. Couldn’t stop myself crying so had to follow her in. Have ordered chicken bits in the shop tomorrow to try her. It’s like she’s given up, or can’t swallow well with the lump in her neck (though I can’t see it or feel it). Her trip to the vets next week might be her last one. Can’t believe it. Unless another appetite boost helps her she’ll just starve to death. And I can’t let that happen. Reminds me of the weight mam lost. I was so shocked. It’s obvious now she won’t have years left like I thought. I have all her litter and training pads stocked up under the sofa thinking I didn’t want to run out. But she isn’t drinking much either now. It’s so sad to see her looking so unhappy. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. I’ll have to sprinkle her ashes in the garden where she loved to be. She’s lived here most of her life. I think I got her just before I came here. But she has been happy here. It’s like reality is finally hitting me. Truly heartbroken to have to let her go. It’s too soon but I can’t let her suffer if this continues.
I’m glad you got to the shops and indulged in a little treat. I have ordered treats for tomorrow but when I’m upset or worried I can’t eat. I remember mams home made apple crumble and then the strudel with cream we used to love. I wish mam could be here now to help me with Porsch. I don’t know what to do. I’ll try her with some food in gravy I had put by for the fox. It was a substitute I couldn’t use because it always gave Porsch the runs. But getting anything into her now, especially with water content, is what is needed. Why is life so hard? I keep thinking I couldn’t bear to have another pet but then I wouldn’t have anything to love. The silence in the house will be deafening when she is gone. How will I ever get out of bed?
Chatting about all your mams lovely flowers reminds me of the old garden. I miss going there so much. I assumed it would never end. I didn’t want them to move. And then mam didn’t even last a year in the new place. I just want her to come back.
Took some more pics but too upset to post them. Porsch looks so tiny and unhappy. I don’t want to find her dead in my drawer in the morning.
XXX
Hello again Tina,
I love your pics. Beautiful ! I agree with your comments on photography being an artform with the camera. I very rarely use my phone. It’s an old ebay buy just for my cameras. Wish I’d specialised in photography. I would have if it wasn’t for the textiles. I had to teach myself when photographing my textiles for the website.
Porsch is sleeping and I know she’s still with me because she’s snoring a bit. It’s like I’m waiting now for her to leave me.
xxx
Awwww, thank you for the beautiful message. Mum’s are precious. My mum is extremely ill with end stage COPD and going through all sorts of uncomfortable things. My precious mum does not have so long and I have started the process of grieving.
I got inspiration from you and will do the same for my mum. I will create a shrine with all her favourite things. I will go there daily and take her a cup of tea as I sit and talk to her…I am certain your mum see’s this shrine and enjoys it with you. It’s beautiful and her energy will be there for sure…
This group is awesome…
I am here for you when you need…I send you much love and healing…
Lots of love to you too…xxxxxxx
Hi Suzanne,
I hope it is just the heat for Porsch and her food but she’s barely eating anything now and just sleeping. She looks so unhappy. I’m so upset that she will die soon. Reality of it has hit me like a ton of bricks when I was sitting in the garden and she wouldn’t eat more than a finger of paste food. Can’t stop crying. Have ordered chicken for tomorrow for her. I don’t know how I’ll cope without her.
Love the atmospheric sky pic and wondering if all cars in Scotland are white. Made me smile with the seat situation at the theatre. Love Russel Howard too. Haven’t seen him on telly for ages. Like watching the comedy show with different comedians (can’t remember what it’s called).
Just opened a tin of Asda’s meat in gravy to tempt Porsch into eating something and she’s wolfed it down! Mostly gravy but a few bits of meat too. So I know it’s the food she dislikes and that’s why she doesn’t want cuddles or any fussing. She always punishes me when she’s not happy! So panic over. I’m just pleased she’s eaten something after days of hardly anything at all.
Amusing that you all think I’m into Kiss! It’s the radio station with all the dance tunes. But yes, the creep and I couldn’t be more different. Assume he only has the one cd as I never hear him play anything else. When I was in the garden listening to music it made me wonder why I stopped going out. Still miss it, the getting ready and the excitement of going clubbing. Loved Liverpool. Raving in abandoned buildings and going back to peoples houses afterwards to carry on the party. When did I become ‘middle-aged’? Never thought it would happen.
I find it exhausting being this stressed about Porsch, not knowing what to do and then thinking I have more time because she’s shown a little interest. I wonder how pets cope with old age if they aren’t cared for properly or shown extra love. Porsch has always been very involved with me throughout the day. Wondering if I can scrape the gravy out of the tin and mix it with her renal food? Will have to Google it. Desperate for her to start eating properly again.
Sounds like you are really putting in the hours at work. Why stock check after work and not get cover during work? Hope you’re getting overtime. But it’s great that you’re making the most of your days off. Sounds like you need to rest. But I know how tricky that is for me and I don’t have ADHD.
Haven’t eaten today so will grab something now I know Porsch has had a bite. Oh, the treatment for her diarrhea wasn’t needed but I have it in just incase.
Lots of love xxx
Hello again Tina,
So relieved that Porsch has wolfed down some Asda meat in gravy. Thought I’d try it to see if she would eat something and she has! So she basically hates the renal food for her thyroid condition. Will try mixing the gravy into the meat and paste all together. If it’s the only way for her to eat something then it’s worth it. Just wanted to let you know as I was in a real state about her when I was posting to you. When the end comes I won’t have the worry of trying to get her to eat and forcing the medication into her. But then I’ll be left behind like mam. And to have her here with the worry is better than not having. She isn’t making it easy!
Think I’ll grab a bite now. Cheese and scrambled egg I think.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Heidi,
I know your situation is devastating but you are lucky to have this time together where you can both say all the things you want to before your lovely mam leaves you. I wish I had had time with my mam like you do now. She went in and by the time I saw her she was on morphine and couldn’t speak. You are being so very brave, and to be here now while you start your journey of saying goodbye is very positive. You will find so much love and support here. It really is a wonderful group of people. My own family abandoned me shortly after mam left and so I am alone because I didn’t marry or have kids. I occasionally see my niece but not often. Do you have other family members to support you? I hope so. It will make all the difference to be able to share and feel loved. And to chat about your mam will keep her with you.
I’m so pleased you will make your own shrine. I love the thought of you taking your mam a cuppa. Have you told her? You could pick out some special bits together so she can imagine it and be there when you create it. Conversation is so precious now and the memories you will make together before she leaves are so precious. Is your mam at home or in hospital / hospice? You could create a mini shrine around her with fairy lights and childhood things to evoke memory and love. Losing my mam is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I would gladly take her place so she could come back and live on, and I would be happy just watching her.
I found chatting to her at the chapel of rest really heart breaking but it was better than not having her here at all. Will you do that too? I hope you have help to organise everything when the time comes. It’s a very surreal experience. I felt shocked, lost, absolutely broken, and still do. You are doing amazing. I find grief still hits me in waves, great tsunami’s that knock me down when I least expect it. But then it runs it’s course and I ‘recover’ and am back in the garden again. Nothing can prepare us for this stuff.
I find keeping busy helps. Creating the shrine focused my attention and I hope she is dancing with the buddha’s and the angels in the garden there. I still don’t have her ashes for my little egg. Dad is holding onto her still. Can’t let her go. I also created an online tribute site for her (much loved). It was free to set up and you just load up your info and pic. I still find it heartbreaking to see her there and so only visit on special occasions and when I feel really desperate to be with her. I wish mam could see what I have done. It’s all for her.
Sorry Heidi, I do get carried away and become so upset when I chat about her, even though it will be 2 years in November. It feels like living inside of a vacuum, where time becomes irrelevant and to get through the day is an achievement. Posting here has helped keep me going but I have found the most wonderful friendships here too. I was so pleased to see you posting again. We are all here when you need us to be. And if you’ve read my posts you will see that I have no ‘filter’. My grief pours out. I used to be so in control and now I am at the mercy of my emotions.
Are you religious or believe in a spiritual life? I hope there is a realm beyond this where we are bathed in love and happiness. It’s the not knowing that is hard.
Give your mam extra kisses from me! and enjoy this time together, whatever the physical situation may be. Tell her how loved she is. How proud you are to be her daughter. What a lovely life she has given you. I cannot imagine a greater love. I wish I had told my mam all of this. And remember to take care of you too. You’ll need to be strong for both of you.
Lots of love xxx
Hahahahaha I didn’t even consider it to be KISS the radio station imagined you a Gene Symons fan lol x
I know you have been buying expensive food for Porsch so I know it really doesn’t compare but I bought a tin of cheap ass tuna for Cal and it was like £1.20!! And then a single tin of Branston’s bean was £1 (obs not for Cal) but was like this is crazy x
I’m sorry to read you think she’s sad but it literally could be the warm weather. Cal was sick this morning yet still crying for food…so when at work tomorrow guess who’s going to be getting wormed lol x
No I don’t get overtime at work due to being salaried but I get a 3 hour shift the next day so don’t mind as get a long lie. Every other place I have ever worked either gets an external company in or shuts early to start it but nope not us and of course customers still demand service and buy stuff so can’t do bugger all until 6pm…will be saying to my boss that he owes me a pizza 
x Then in about 3 weeks I get to do it all over again at a different store for my old boss 
x
I know you are frightened about the thought of losing Porscha and I know you are trying to enjoy her every second but she’ll only go when she’s ready so as I’ve said try not worry or blame yourself for anything x. I don’t think Avalon (my oldest bunny) has much longer as he doesn’t seem to be quite himself but he’s still eating and drinking and keeping his brother and sister in check but understand your fear of losing them.
Was the comedy show you were thinking about the Live at the Apollo show? Russell Howard was saying he’s not on tv any more cause of a few dubious jokes on his show but he was better as a stand up anyway imo.
Anyway going to watch some tv before tomorrow so will chat soon x
Love to you and Porsch x
Hi Heidi,
My dad had COPD and although we weren’t close so won’t begin to compare our situations I can empathise with the destructive nature of the disease and send my sympathies in having to go through all this. I do hope you have a family/friend network to help you navigate through this. Cherish the time you have left with your mum x
A nice daily cuppa having a wee chat sounds like a plan…I chat with mine (as do we all here probably) every day…usually at night as she was a night owl and such a grumpy sod in the morning lol x
Keep posting if you feel up to it and blessings to you all just now x
Hi Suzanne,
It’s ‘Mock the Week’ on tv that I watch when nothing else is on. Waiting for The Split now (drama about a family of lawyers). Nothing much on at all.
I’ve been tempting Porsch with some of the gravy mixed in with her paste and she’s had another bite so I know she’s hungry. One minute she’s chilly so I cover her up and then she’s too hot. So I’ll leave her now until her tablet is due. It’s all so upsetting and stressful. I’ll be relieved when I don’t have to do it but that means she will have died and that is something I’m trying not to think about. Sorry to hear about Avalon. I know it’s the cost of loving our pets but having to do it on my own and then be left completely alone is like losing mam all over again. She’s such a sweetheart. Can’t bear to be without her. But for her to outlive me and have to be homed by the cat people is even more heartbreaking. I hope her check up next week isn’t her last visit.
Did you get the storms promised? Very disappointing. I love a good storm.
Do you get any time off to be up the Loch? Wondering if the beavers are out playing.
Going to grab another Jubbly icepop.
Lots of love xxx