Hi Tina,
I can just imagine you finding Zoe on the sofa with her dad while you are shouting for her in the dark. Just like Porsch when she’s sitting on the front mat. She had a little bit of sun today but as soon as I started taking the curtains down from the doors I put up yesterday (too dark for the hallway) she started screaming for me. Her enthusiasm for her new crunchies is gone and I found another tablet spat out on her blanket today. I’m trying to keep her alive and all she does is fight me at every turn. I feel like giving up and letting her go naturally. I really am that exhausted. Have resorted to the syringe again. Found a poo on her cushion so don’t know whether that was in protest or that she has reached the point of not coping in her old age. I’m relieved when it gets to evening when she settles down after having been fed and waiting for bedtime.
Good news that your bro has a quick appt, even though it will be layered with memories of your mam. All you can do is deal with each emotion as it arrives, but imagine your mam there to reassure you both to help you get through it.
It’s now the next day and I found this post from last night. It is so difficult looking after Porsch now that I have to stop and abandon whatever I am doing. So stressed.
Porsch bit me this morn when I was doing her syringe paste food because she’s lost more weight. I’m at a loss now as to whether to keep trying. She hates what is happening to her and I am too worn out to try anything else. It’s the end of the road now. Unless she starts eating on her own again she won’t have much time left. Never imagined it would be this hard to care for her. In tears. I just want the stress to stop. Even slept in my bed for the first time in a week of having been next to her on the sofa, just so I could sleep. She’s in the garden now on her cushion in the sun. Relieved I can sit and drink a cup of coffee without hearing her crying all the time. I can’t do this anymore
Hi Suzanne,
Your rose looks lovely. All the roses I potted up seem to have died, like all the other flowers I tried to grow in pots. Wonder if it’s the compost.
I’m at my wits end, as mam would say. Porsch is fighting me at every turn. Finding more of her medication spat out around the house and on her blanket. I check her before letting her go so don’t know if how. So she’s losing more weight. 2.1 now from 2.9 when I started weighing her with the appetite booster med. The massive bag of dry food she loved she now will not even try eating. So I’ve been mixing her paste food with water, warming it and having to syringe it into her mouth. She bit me hard this morn. I can’t do this anymore. She doesn’t want me doing any of this to her. It’s time to let her go. It will be a relief but the pain of her not being here will be just like mam. I keep imagining her dead in my arms, carrying her around the house. I hate that I get so angry but it’s out of sheer frustration that she won’t help herself.
Just spotted a magpie. One for sorrow. I know it will happen soon. I’m like a zombie trying to get through the day. She cries to wake me up, cries to be out, cries for food and then won’t eat it, cries just for the sake of crying. I don’t know if she’s in pain with her arthritis. It’s painful just watching her trying to get comfortable on her cushion. I wouldn’t want to live in that state. And if I could ask her I would, if it was her time to meet her grandma. I wish I could go with her and us all be together. I can’t see outside of the struggle to keep her going. Don’t know what else to do for her.
Hi Suzanne30,
you are right, it is surround sound for movies. We always watched the surround sound movies at my house. He was the one who set it all up for me. My brother had too much furniture so we often chose my house for watching TV if there was a good film on. - I have to make a list for all the cabling. I just have no idea where to set it all up again. Yes the sound is great. I just cannot be bothered at the moment. My brother loved his music and had speakers in six rooms of his house. He even had Hi-Fi in his kitchen. - No idea where I will put my speakers. I also have to find a new home for my brother’s classical music collection. I will probably give the CDs to my neighbour. It is really difficult to write this and I am feeling odd again. - Will it ever get any better?
Take care - Nick
Hi Christine
I’d been to my Sister’s and the Asda today so just seen your post and was wondering if she’d settled since you last wrote? I hope she has. She sounds exhausted so I hope she’s managed to sleep a bit. I’ve fed tablets to both dogs and cats and the lengths they can go to in order to make you think they have taken the tablet is beyond belief. As I can imagine you know only to well. I know it’s of no help but I do wonder how she is when I wake up. It is a huge strain when there’s someone physically with you to rely on let alone not.
Would your niece come round after work to give you a bit of support?
My Nephew is going back to Australia this next week so I went round to see him and we were sat on the patio playing Frustration like 3 kids. It’s halfway to the Supermarket so carried on. Thing is though I went and then came out wondering what to do for tea! There was one of the Carers in the Car Park and sometimes it feels like you are drowning in everything a fresh.
Friday will be the day he is one step closer to finding out if he does or doesn’t have cancer. It’s an endoscopy so dont know whether they’ll say anything on the day. Either way I’m guessing they will do biopsies. I’d like to say he stands a good chance because he doesn’t smoke or drink but he does, to excess. So at the end of this week we could all be living a different life.
I had an hour spare this morning so cut some DVD’s up to put by for the craft I’m going to try. It will be a long time in the making as I have blisters with the cutting!!
I best go and get changed from going out and put this washing away but I’ll check back later.
Sending you both much love xx
Hi Tina,
Just got back from taking Porsch to the vet. Had to say goodbye. She was so cold and was sick with the food I had been giving her with the syringe. She wouldn’t drink when she went to her bowl. I knew it was time. I was with her for the injection, anaesthetic and then the actual injection thing to end life (into a canula). I left her with them to cremate and can’t face collecting her ashes so have some of her hair in an envelope. She was so poorly she didn’t want to be held and I think she hated what I was doing to her with the tablets and feeding. I feel so guilty every time I got angry with her for resisting everything I was doing. But she is no longer in pain now and enjoyed her last day sitting out in the sun in her garden. I feel so empty and the house will be lost without her. I hope she doesn’t leave me and stays with me in the house and garden. I hope mam was there waiting for her. I feel guilty that I feel relieved, that the constant pressure to care for her is lifted. It would have been easier if she didn’t fight so hard with everything I did. I hope she forgives me and knows it was all for her to keep going a little while longer.
I spoke to my niece. She offered to come with but lives quite a while away and I just dashed out the house after making the call to the vet. If I had waited it would have been harder. I rang her afterwards and also spoke to my therapist briefly because he has covid and is very poorly. I hope he doesn’t die too. I feel very lost. I have nobody to love without Porscha. She doesn’t feel gone yet at home. I had stocked up on all her puppy training pads and litter. I have her special foods and a massive bag of dry food I just bought. I will see if my friend / neighbour can use the food for his cat. It doesn’t seem real. I know she was an old lady (about 18 I think) but looked so young. I have lots of pics of her but didn’t take any of her looking ill because I don’t want to remember her like that.
What do I do now? How will I get through the day without her? She is the only thing that kept me going through the day. I had to get up to feed her and clean her litter tray. I know how ill she was and I didn’t want her to suffer any more. But I wish she was still here. I wish she was her usual self, not ill, but enjoying her life. I’m absolutely heartbroken.
Fingers crossed for your bro on Friday. And I’ll be thinking of you too. He’s lucky to have you there to support him.
I wish my mam was here to just sit with me and talk to me. I’ll have to let her know about Porsch and see if she was there to meet her. I hope she visits me now. Should I have got Porscha’s ashes? I have always thought the body is just a vessel we inhabit while we are on this earth. Porscha’s spirit will be free now for her to enjoy her next life. I hope she waits for me so I can be with her. I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she forgives me for not caring for her better than I did. But I don’t know what else I could have done. My best just isn’t good enough for anything I do.
Should I have buried her in the garden? I was worried that the foxes would get her. I just couldn’t bring her back like that. And the neighb ours would have watched me sobbing while I was digging in the garden.
This life is so hard. The lovely receptionist asked if I had someone to be with me and to drive me back home. I am truly alone now. Whatever I do now doesn’t matter because there is nobody to be effected by my actions. I have nobody to love and nobody that loves me. Porscha was and will always be my baby.
What will I do now she is gone? I’ve been dreading this time for a long time now but was always focused on delaying it. I hope she knows I did everything I could to help her. I feel totally lost.
Rest in peace my love. Visit me often at home and in the garden where you loved to play and sunbathe as I busy myself with jobs. I miss you so much and can’t quite believe you have left me. The house will be an empty shell now that you aren’t here.
Please believe that everything I did was for you, to keep you with me for as long as I could. I knew you needed to leave me today. I did it for you. I wish you were still here with your screaming during the night, waking me up for food. I will miss you so much my love. You are my baby. I love you. Please visit me love. And be a good girl for your Grandma. I hope to be with you both soon. Love mammy xxx
Have decided to bury Porscha in the garden so will collect her tomorrow evening. There are lots of foxes around so I’ll have to start digging in the morning. Will wrap her in her blankets and cover in a plastic sheet. I will lay a paving slab on top as a grave stone and I can decorate it for her. She would like that. Bringing her home. Still can’t believe she is gone. I hope she’s ok and pain free, young again and carefree. Will create a shrine for her. I wish I has someone to help me dig her grave. Will take out mams hydrangea at the top of the lawn and I’ll be able to see her from the patio.
Breaks my heart that I was feeding her with a syringe but it was because she had stopped eating and I was trying to get her weight back up again so she would be better. I knew when she was sick that it wasn’t working. I wish I hadn’t done it now. She bit me. She struggled to get away. But I thought if she put some weight back on she would be well again and live some more.
Hello Christine
I’m so very, very sorry Christine about Porsche and what had happened. I didn’t sleep well last night and wished I’d checked in with you in those small hours. You must be so upset, it doesn’t seem long since I was in that position so can imagine how you are feeling.
You fought with everything you had to keep little Porsche with you. She couldn’t have asked for any more and you couldn’t possibly have given anymore. It won’t help one little bit to say it but she isn’t struggling any more and she isn’t hurting. Please don’t go and be feeling guilty about any imagined lack of patience when you were caring for her. It’s natural to think that way but even if that was the case it shows how much you cared and worrying for her wellbeing.
It will feel strange and unreal right now so focus on resting your body and mind. You’ve been through a lot recently and must be utterly exhausted from it all.
Thanks Christine for your words of support for tomorrow as well. Very kind of you to say.
I’m sure your neighbour with the cat you supported will be as kind to you as you were to them. I hope so. And I’m sure your Niece will want to come and help you.
Words seem just so inadequate, I’m just so very sorry. Just think in terms of hour by hour or even by the minute.
I’ll pop in again in a few hours. Please try to sleep if you can.
Much love to you. xx
We are all here Christine and thinking of you xxx
Hi Christine,
I am very sorry about Porsha.
I am glad she was able to enjoy some time in the garden yesterday. You gave her a good life and looked after her well.
Will be thinking of you.
Christine,
I’m so sorry. You did everything you could do and more.
Me and the girls are thinking of you and sending you so much love and all our strength.
Keep talking to us. We will all be here for you.
Lots and lots of love,
Nic xxx
Oh Christine.
So sorry to read about the sad passing of Porscha. I am sure she is with your Mum now. It’s always devastating to lose a pet as they are more than that- they are one of the family.
You cared for her so well and she knew how much you loved her. You did everything you could but when its our time ( human or animal) nothing can stop the inevitable.
We are all here for you . Thinking of you today.
God bless Porscha
Sending lots of love
Neil x
Oh Christine, I am so sorry to hear Porsch has died. You did everything possible to care for her and to keep her comfortable the last few days. She will be with your mum now both looking down on you and thankful you have been in their lives.
I hope you niece comes round to be with you and help you bury Porsch in the garden.
Love and hugs to you in what is going to be an emotional time ahead.
We are here for you
Sending love
Debbie xx
Dear Christine,
So very sorry to read your sad news this morning.
Please know that you are so loved by us all who visit and post on our Community. Porscha will be making her way to Rainbow Bridge… she leaves her love, mischief and snuggles tucked away safely in your heart. Forever loved.
Sending a hug,
xxx
Hun I am so sorry to hear about Porsch x she couldn’t have wanted a better home than what you gave her. Burying her in your garden is the perfect place for her to be as that’s where you both had some of your best days together x. You did the right thing by letting her go…the wee bite was her telling you she was ready x
I know words are futile at the moment and you will feel out of sorts as your routine will have to change but allow yourself time to grieve her and I’m pleased your niece is there for you as are all of us here x
Again so so sorry 
x
Hi Nick,
Sorry to hear you are finding it difficult just now and I can tell you it does get easier…wouldn’t say better…but we learn to cope and adapt for self preservation if nothing else. I’m not going to give you all the cliche stuff cause most of that I have found is bollocks (pardon the French) but it does get ‘better’ but everyone moves forward at a different pace and with having to move house etc you are bound to feel like you’ve taken steps backwards x
Do things at your speed and please don’t compare yourself to others as you are exactly where you need to be at the moment xx
So sorry and sad for dear lovely sweet Porsch- thinking and praying for her
Oh @christine51 I am so very, very sorry Porsch has passed
You gave her a wonderful home and cared for her above and beyond.
I think it sounds lovely idea to bring her home to bury. I have my cats buried in the garden and it does help me to know they are home.
Hoping you can feel some peace amongst the sadness
Beki xx
Hello all,
Thankyou all so very much for your kindness. I know how well Porscha was loved by you all. I can’t stop crying for her but have managed to clean away her litter tray (my routine on a morning so she would have a clean toilet), washed her cushions but had to put down another in their place where she was resting and sleeping in the sitting room. Got in the bath and washed my hair. Keep coming to a stop and can’t get going again. But before I did all this I was thinking of different ways to bury her and started digging in two place already (in my pj’s but then heard the neighbours so gave up as the soil is dense and root bound with all the trees). Thought of burying her in a clay pot decorated in pretty shells, filling with cement so the foxes donlt get her and she will be preserved forever. I need to see her from the window over winter and so I thought of burying her under the Diana fountain at the big pond. Foxes won’t get her with the weight ontop and she will have the peace of being in that little bit of the orchard. The soil there is less dense and I wouldn’t need to dig down as deep. My friend rang me (sure he and all the neighbours have heard me wailing for her because I can’t be quiet) and he said having her in the earth so she can become one with Nature and her garden is the best option. I want her with me and not cremated so that she is at home and can be at peace in the place she loved most. I will be able to light candles and hang ribbons and place flowers for her. This is as devastating as mam. I hope mam is looking after her. I hope I see them both again. I wish I had just sat with mam and Porsch in their last weeks instead of being busy. All Porsch wanted was for me to sit down with her. I wish I hadn’t done the feeding syringe. I wish I had stopped when she bit me. Ah Porscha, I’m so sorry my love. I should have let you just be. I always think I know best and I don’t. I don’t listen. When I was cleaning her tray area I kept thinking I had to finish quickly incase she came in and stood in the cleaning spray. She liked to see I was doing it properly and would watch me until it was done. She is so tiny but knew exactly what she wanted. I’ll be so lost without her. I miss her waking me up by jumping on the bed and if I didn’t get up she would start slapping me on the face and start her nibbling. I wish I could be with her and mam. Fed the fish but it’s just routine. I panic that I can’t remember her face and then I do and just start crying again. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am for trying so hard to get her to eat when she had clearly given up. I didn’t want to say goodbye.
Going to try digging where the fountain is and see if I can get down deep enough. I can hear the neighbours out and don’t want to go out there but I have to do it for Porsch. She cried when the vet put the canula in her arm. I was in the waiting room. She had an anesthetic before the injection to put her to sleep. I hope she knew I was stroking her and holding her. Mammy loves you Porsch. I wish I was a calmer, quieter, gentler person like my mam. She would have known when the time was right instead of trying with the syringe. I can still see Porsch trapped in the teatowel because it was such a messy thing to do, and her tiny little teeth clamped shut for as long as she could. I still have her chart for her weight on the blackboard in the kitchen where I would weigh us both and then take my weight away to get hers. She was so tiny and frail. Why did I leave it so long? I wish I could lie down on the floor next to her so she knew I was with her. She was so quiet, even her breathing. I wonder if I should get her cremated so that I can take her with me when I go. I don’t want her being left behind in the garden when I’m not here. In a panic now as to what to do. What should I do?
She will always be with you wherever you are xxx