I have many similar feelings about my cats, past and present.
Most recently I lot Peggy last December and I was wracked with guilt, had I taken her to a vet sooner, had her pts sooner or later. There are no right answers and thankfully cats are cleverer than us, they know love and they know they were loved.
In the end I buried Peggy in the garden, but I know that’s where her earthly body is, as your friend says going back to nature. Her spirit is all around, its in the other cats, its in memories and she is with mum and the rest of the cats, we’ll meet again but that doesn’t stop me missing her like crazy and selfishly wanting her back. By being in the garden its nice I can do little things to honour her memory there.
Sending you gentle hugs
Beki x
Have decided to let my lovely Porscha be cremated without getting her ashes back. Collecting her body for burial would be too traumatic. She has already gone. Her spirit is free. Having her ashes is not having her. She has left her body and it is now just a vessel now. I spoke with my therapist and he, like mam, has always let the vet do their thing and not brought the ashes home. He said to focus on our life together, not the final weeks when she was poorly because that was just a fragment in the 18 years of our life together. I know Porsch was happy and felt loved, and loved me in return. I have to wait until tonight to ring the vets as it is closed during the day. Can’t believe it is true. I keep running through it in my head, things I should have done differently. Wish I had stopped giving her the medication and tempted her with treats and food she enjoyed before she was ill. But then I would have wondered if I should have tried harder to keep her going. Wish I was more attuned to what she needed me to do and not what I thought was best for her. Feel relieved that I don’t have to go back to the vets. Hope she can see how heartbroken I am without her, how loved she is, how missed she will be. Can’t imagine how I will get through the days now. Got a drink of water and gave her one too. It’s like pretending to myself that she’s just in the other room. I go to shout for her and then realise she isn’t there.
Hi Christine - so sorry you have lost your lovely Porscha. You loved her totally & unconditionally, our pets are aware of our love & love us in return. You know in your own heart you gave her as much love as you possibly could. Stop beating yourself up. Be a bit kinder to yourself. Take care.
Best wishes, Alison xx 
I’m reading all your posts and it is a comfort to me. I will create a garden shrine where Porsch sat in the dappled sun under the climber. I can look out and see it from the sitting room window. I can imagine her there. When I’m able I’ll hang ribbons and light candles there, leave her some tasty treats. She was so content in her garden. Even when I was being busy she would still be there. If she got too hot she would find a shaded patch of earth but never went too far. I didn’t know when she escaped to the front doorstep she was visiting that spot for the last time. I was just frightened she would get knocked down on the grass. It was really sunny there. That is what she loved. Being warm. I don’t know how I will be able to be in the garden again without her. She’d be wrapped in her little blanket when she felt cold and I’d carry on with whatever I was doing. I wish I had just stopped and sat quietly with her. I wish I was quiet and not wanting to be busy. She just wanted me to stop. I wish I had. It’s the same feelings as with mam when she left. I missed the important stuff. It feels like I have nothing left.
Hi Christine,
Porscha knows you love her and did everything possible to make her last days with you happy. I never had Toffee’s ashes either, I realised this house wouldn’t be mine forever and like you decided I didn’t want him to be with strangers.
The garden has been your happy place for you both and in time it will be again. You will remember the times you sat in the garden together in the sunshine and one day you will smile again remembering Porscha. She’s now safe with your mum and they are both looking out over you.
Sending big hugs and love 
Debbie xx
Hello Christine
I’ve been out to the shops or would have been back earlier to see how are managing.
It probably feels as though a tiny bit of pressure has been lifted now you have made the decision of how you want her to be at rest. Even if you had needed more time the vet’s would understand.
The world will feel as though it’s stopped so make sure you are able just to “be”. There’s no rush. You gave one another the best of each other. She could have gone to a different home and led a different life but she crossed your path instead and what a long and loving life she had with you.
Is your Niece coming tonight? I’m sorry I’ve not seen all the previous messages yet so don’t know if you’ve already said.
I’ll leave you to have a bit of peace and quiet and drop in again later.
Thinking of you and sending love xx
I keep thinking she’s outside, in another room, that I should be getting her medicine ready or her food. Caring for her is my daily routine, even before she was ill. You have all said such beautiful things. I know Porsch was content and happy and loved. She has left such a massive hole in me I don’t know how it will ever heal. I’ve been tidying her blankets and carry case away so I don’t have to look at them. Feels like I’m tidying her away. We have always had cats throughout my life but Porscha was my baby. She was rescued at about 1 year old. So she would have had a short life had I not taken her. I feel so lost without her. Like mam, I never seen the end as something real. That’s why I tried so hard for it to not happen. Should have just listened to her. Just looked up her age in human years - 88. I never see age until it is too late. I should have been more patient. I always focus on what I should have done better, my failings. Don’t know why I do that to myself. I know I couldn’t have done more and was so exhausted and in tears. It’s like I knew it was happening without actually knowing it.
Just waiting to phone the vets and let her go. I hope she is free and watching from afar and knowing that she is truly missed and loved. Couldn’t have loved her more. I wish I’d taken a pic of our camp on the floor with the cushions and blankets. She had so many places she liked to go but settled on a couple of mams old feather cushions because they were soft. She couldn’t get comfortable and it was awful watching her struggle. I tried to help move her arms but it didn’t work. I wish she was still here. I didn’t even ask the vet what they could do to prolong life. I just thought it would have prolonged her suffering. I know I’m just waffling on but I ony have you to chat to. My friend along the days has been phoning me throughout the day, encouraging me to get out of bed, get dressed, make a start on digging the garden. He was going to visit his friend to get him round to dig a hole for me but I said I would try myself. My garden just has too many trees. I hope I feel Porscha in the garden and house. I need her to still be with me. I’m so tired now. Eyes are swollen with crying so much. Even now I’m thinking I must see if Porsch is ok because I’m in the bedroom and she was in the sitting room. I read it could be very quick but just wasn’t prepared. In shock. Thinking she’s out in the garden now and will have to get her in. I’m not able to let her go. We’ve been together for 18 years, the longest relationship I have had. I keep thinking of her as my child but she was the one in charge. I am absolutely dying inside.
Feeling totally overwhelmed again but just wanted to thank you all again for your love and kindness. Don’t know how I will ever feel whole again. Nearly time to ring the vet. It’s the final goodbye even though she has already left me. Dreading it. Feel disloyal by not getting her ashes. But they would only represent her death to me. I had looked into taxidermy before she was ill as I knew it would happen one day and couldn’t bear to be without her. But that was shocking. I keep thinking she’s outside. I can still see her wrapped inside her bright green blanket, like a big pea. I really can’t work death out, how I’m supposed to be comforted by memories when all I want is the everyday stuff to never end, however frustrated I got with the situation. If I could do it over again I would be much gentler in my approach, taking her lead and just giving her whatever she wanted. But I was doing what I thought would make her get better, just like mam and the milkshake she wouldn’t drink. If only they would do this then they would get better and not leave me.
Christine, I have no words that will take away the pain and the feeling of emptiness that losing her has cost. You couldn’t have done any more than you did for her. You put yourself in situations that caused you distress in order to make sure she was getting the tests and medication she needed…that’s how much you loved her and she knew it x
You have no reason to second guess yourself about anything regarding Porsch x
Could you not get her ashes and get some of them put in a bit jewellery? x or make something yourself as you are so crafty with some resin?
You are not packing her away…you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself 
x
Hi,
Just made the call to have Porsch cremated communally and to not get the ashes back as they would represent her being dead. This way she’s just gone without a physical reminder of her loss. I did ask that they treat her with care. I don’t want her treated with anything less than if I was getting her ashes. I feel like I’m betraying her but I can’t do it. I thought her ashes would be a comfort to me but she would be dead forever on the mantlepiece in the shrine. Makes it more real somehow. This way I can just keep pretending to myself that she’s away playing somewhere, watching me shouting for her, wondering where she’s got to. I wish it wasn’t true. She thought we were going to the old vet when we were driving and even though she was ill she enjoyed her trip out. I’m absolutely heartbroken again. I hope she forgives me about not bringing her body home. I believe she is free already and that her body is already let go of. She was so tiny when she was curled up when I hugged her for the last time. She was already gone but I hope she was watching and could see how distraught I was having to leave her. I had calmed down but all I can think about is blaming myself for not getting any comfort from having her with me again. She was 2.1 lbs. That’s why I was feeding her with a syringe tube, her watered down pate food. I keep thinking she is outside and I have to look for her. I always panicked when she wasn’t in her usual spot. She never went very far. She loved her garden. I will miss her forever.
Am I betraying her by not bringing her home? I’m so confused now. Don’t want to regret my decision. So many people have the ashes as a comfort but nothing can be of comfort apart from this never happening and Porsch being in the sitting room on her cushion where she should be. Mam would know what to do and reassure me that this is the right decision as Porsch is already free. You have all said such kind things. I just want her back.
Christine,
You’re not betraying her at all. Like you said her body was her vessel. But her spirit will be with you always. If you think this is right for you then it’s what you must do. No matter what, she knows you love her and all you did was for her. She knows that and she loves you too and would not want you to be tearing yourself up. It doesn’t matter where she is as her spirit will always be with you xxx
Hello everyone,
I just want to thank you all for being here for me. I was in too much of a state to reply to you all individually but read everything you have said and I know Porsch knew she was loved and that I did my best for her. I had a catch up with my sis up north by text after telling her what has happened. She only met Porsch once and she ran away from her. She certainly mellowed in her old age. While I was texting I was removed from the situation but as soon as it stopped I returned again and have been chatting to Porsch and looking for her and telling her how much I miss her. I’ve never lived here without her. She was just a baby. How can I ever find any peace now that I have lost my mam and Porsch? Totally lost and alone again.
Tina, good luck for tomorrow. I’ll be thinking of you.
All the things I tried to do, like my sewing and the garden, was always around Porsch and her needs. But none of that means anything now, just like mam. I just don’t know what to do with myself. Can’t settle and just thinking of her trying to get comfy on her cushion. I really wish I wasn’t here and was with mam and Porsch. I can’t see how I will ever find any peace now. My whole world has collapsed again. I’m terrified my therapist will be next. He is the one constant in my life.
I wonder where Porsch is now and what she is doing. I miss her so much and just want to hold her. She didn’t like cuddles. Preferred sitting next to or on me. How can I get through the day without her? I am totally lost
Hello Christine
I’ve been reading through your last couple of messages as I came back to check you are as ok as you possibly can be.
I was going to reply in full but I just have to wash up before he gets back in. I’ll definitely come back though to finish my post, although it will probably be after midnight. So you’ll see my message in the morning.
Just keep trying small bits of time and try to drop off for a bit. Your mind wont want to sleep but your body probably will. You’ll be shattered. I think you kind of crash a bit after you’ve been running on high adrenaline as you have.
I’ll drop by later on, please take care and you are in my thoughts.
Much love xx
I just feel so hopelessly lost without her. It doesn’t make sense being here now. This was a home because she was here with me. It is empty now. I keep thinking I can hear her crying and forget she isn’t here now. I wish I had taken the time before going to the vets to just sit quietly with her and talk to her. I was in such a state. I’ll never get the chance now. But I keep thinking she won’t feel the cold of winter in her old age. Feeling in a real panic, like I can’t just sit quietly or focus on anything, like tv. I’m wandering round in a daze. I know it’s happened and she feels such a long way away from me now. I need to fill in the space she has left behind but I can’t because there’s just me here. I’ve never felt so alone. I feel like I will explode with grieving for her. Cannot imagine how an elderly person gets through the day when they lose their cherished pet. I’m in such a panic. Feels like I’m going to burst.
Just chatted to my friend / neighbour for a bit. He’ll bring me his laminator round tomorrow so I can do a pic of Porsch for the outdoor shrine where we sat together. I did try sitting out when it was turning dark but the emptiness was hanging all over me. I didn’t think I could feel more lonely after mam leaving me than I do now. Having Porscha to love kept me going after mam. I hope I loved her enough. It feels like I have no love left to give now. I want to fall asleep and join them wherever they are and leave this world behind. I have nothing left. I wonder if I can feel worse than I already have. Don’t know how anyone endures this for a lifetime. Feel like I’m drowning in sadness and I can’t see any way out.
Hello again Christine
Sorry I had to dash off and not finish my message earlier. It’s not that I knew a lot extra to add but it felt bad manners just to end the message so sharply. At least everything was tidy on the nick of time.
I’m glad you’ve a neighbour thhaf a chat had at’s helping you out. It’s a wonderful idea to laminate a photo of her for the garden.
It’s going to feel strange for you tomorrow morning but you’ve got through today, as horrific as it’s been and having your neighbour around to help you with the photo will fill some of time and give your mind a bit of a rest with the distraction.
I’m glad you had a chat with your Sister and hopefully it will encourage her to keep in touch more often.
I’m going to have to sign off now. I’m dropping off and my eyes keep shutting. Take care of yourself and see you tomorrow.
Much love xx
Tina, I’ll be thinking of you and your bro tomorrow. I feel totally lost off with the days but I know it must be coming up. Feel exhausted but can’t sleep. I miss caring for Porscha, loving her and being loved by her. Can’t imagine how I’ll be tomorrow. Will have to just go with whatever I’m feeling. I know I’ve been all over the place today, drowning in wanting it to not be true, feeling quite desperate. It feels ages since it happened but it was only last night. Feels very unreal. Can’t seem to concentrate but I know I’ve read all the posts. They make sense and give me hope to keep going. But when I think of her I break apart again. I can feel myself breaking. I don’t know how I’ll be ‘normal’ again. It’s all too much. I have no strength left.
Hello Christine
Thanks for your words of support. It’s this morning when we are going.
I’ll come back today at some point to see how you are managing.
Take things in your own time and don’t forget that we are your friends and are here for you. Whether you want to be silent and just read, or if you want to talk away.
Catch you later.
Much love xx
Morning Christine.
As we know with this crap life of grief all we can do is take it moment by moment. Let the feelings come and ride along with them. It’s hard but you can this.
The photo idea sounds lovely. Maybe you can think of getting a nice plant or a rose bush or something in memory of porsch? Something that will be hers. Might be a bit soon to think of that but for the future maybe?
Thinking of you and sending lots of love and hugs.
Nic xxx