I won’t ask how you are as i have been reading the posts above but I will say you are very much in my thoughts and people have said above it will take time and you will feel in limbo I’m guessing as your whole daily routine lately has been around Porsch and her needs to suddenly and cruelly have this removed you will feel lost and alone x
I was going to suggest getting a plant or rose too but Nic beat me to it x
I believe as soon as any living being takes their last breath their souls goes to wherever you believe they go and that the body is just an empty vessel so don’t think bad of yourself for not wanting to bring her body home…she is already home as she is with you always x
As for her ashes….each person handles it differently x working in a store with a vets i unfortunately see people having to deal with losing their loved pets daily and some people are too distressed at their loss to want any physical reminder of them but they have their memories or get a tattoo of their paw prints etc…anyway I digress…what I am trying to say is in this situation you can’t do anything wrong as the decision you are making just now is the right one x
As I’ve said before I take my ashes to the bottom of Glastonbury Tor and spread them there…just don’t tell Somerset council as I’m sure I’m not meant to x
Whatever you do and where you do it she will always be with you x
I’ve rambled on enough for now so will check in later x
@christine51, I’m really sorry to hear about Porscha. I’m glad you’re being supported on this thread, but if you think some extra support could be helpful, Blue Cross specialise in supporting people who have sadly lost their pets.
They have a helpline you can call every day until 8.30pm. It’s 0800 096 6606. You can also chat to one of their volunteers on their website.
Rang the Blue Cross and explained how guilty I feel that I didn’t try anything else before putting her to sleep. The vet agreed it was the best decision because she was so cold and her heartbeat was faint / slow (can’t remember). But I feel guilty that I didn’t try everything possible to keep her going. She was so tiny (2.1 lbs), had arthritis and cried when she tried to get comfortable on her cushion, had stopped eating and was sick with the paste food I was syringing to try to boost her appetite and weight. She wobbled when she walked and I would help her to stand to have a drink. I did it for her but I feel so guilty that I didn’t try to keep her alive longer. Some people think that life is precious and to die naturally. I couldn’t have her dying in pain at home. I felt I knew it was time, having done loads of research about quality of life. If she had accepted the medication and not spat it out without me knowing she might still be here. Maybe’s it was her way of ending her life on her terms. I wish I done more for her. She sat in the garden on her last day but I didn’t know it was her last day at that time. I would have made everything special for her with her favourite foods and treats even if she wasn’t able to eat them. It doesn’t matter that I know I did what was best for her. I need to know that she forgives me for taking her to the vet and ending her life for her. I wish I had asked her if it was what she wanted. I don’t know how much longer she could have lived for the way she was. And trying other things would have been to keep her with me because I couldn’t let go. I wish the vet had told me what they could have tried but she didn’t She agreed it was the best option. I’ve never had to make a decision like this before. I don’t feel like a grown up. I want her back. I wish I hadn’t done it and she would still be with me now. She is my child. That is how much I have always loved Porscha. She isn’t here now to love so what do I do with that love I still have for her? This is torture. I’ll never be able to love anything ever again. I don’t think I can take any more pain. Feels like I will explode with grief for her. No reason to get out of bed other than to put the fishtank on and feed the fish. Nothing else matters to me now apart from Porscha. The house is so quiet without her here, even when she didn’t make any noise she filled the whole house with her presence. She became much quieter when she was ill but the screaming for food was always quite shocking. How I miss that now, having to get up during the night to warm her food. If she would come back I would never complain again about being tired. I would do anything to have her back. Everything is such a blur now but I still feel her here. Going to put a fresh bowl of water out for her just incase she visits me. I know it’s silly but pretending for a second might make me feel a bit better until reality comes crashing in again. My life is so empty without her.
From the description of her ailments, her weight etc you let her go at the right time and you know that has you not listened to her and kept her doing for your then that wouldn’t have been fair on either of you. Of course she has forgiven you and probably is grateful that you had her feelings etc so much in your thoughts that you made the hardest decision ever to help her go.
The right decision is never the easiest and it is you that needs to ‘forgive’ yourself as Porsch knows you did right by her.
I can only imagine how quiet the house is just now x I know Cal drives me up the wall and I’m sure he has brought fleas in to the house but I get the whole companionship thing especially when you live on your own. You need time to adjust again to another major trauma but please take it from me and everyone else when we say you have nothing to feel guilty about x
Hi Suzanne,
Thank you for your lovely card. Made me cry but it does help knowing you do genuinely care, as I know everyone does. I kept waiting for the time to come and I knew she’d been fighting against the medication and food for a while, even though I kept trying. I know I would have never made that decision for any other reason than to give her peace from how ill she was. Grieving for her is overwhelming, just like mam but different because she has always lived with my here in this house. I contacted the online chat at the vets to see if they could tell me what else could have been done but I would have to email in. I know I’m clutching at straws and she is already gone so it makes no difference. The vet would have told me if there was a real possibility of making a difference to her. I didn’t want her to suffer any more. But I do wonder if it was my decision to make. I know I wouldn’t want to endure her life as it was at the end. But then I don’t want to be here after mam. Porsch was always determined to have her own way. I felt awful feeding her like a baby knowing she hated it. I don’t know how to live in the emptiness now. My whole day revolved around her. I was frustrated trying to do anything outside of caring for her because she always needed me and I would get angry if I couldn’t finish doing whatever. I wish I was patient and calm and loving but I’m the opposite of those things. I didn’t see my flaws until I kept having them pointed out to me after mam. Now I question everything I do / don’t do.
I emailed my therapist as he is too ill to chat and he is sending me a link to Buddhist philosophy, to learn to live in the here and now and not fight against the laws of life / death, to have given Porscha the best life and not to question myself in doing the kindest thing I could do for her at the end. I need something to give me hope because I feel so broken now I don’t feel able to continue. I just want it all to stop, the pain and guilt. I feel guilty that I don’t want to have her ashes because they won’t be her and will always represent the pain of losing her. A token of the communal ashes will be placed in the bereavement garden and dated. I’m still torn between burying her at home and having her ashes but I find both so upsetting. It feels like whatever decision I make it is the wrong one. I didn’t think about any of it and plan ahead to know what I would do. I did it all in a complete panic when she had been sick, as if that represented the failure of everything I had tried to do. I know she is at peace now but I fee guilty that I left her there on her own to be taken away to a place I can’t even visit. Should I see if I can collect her? I could ask my niece to help me bury her. I was going to wrap her in ribbons in her grave. Cremation sets the body free. My head is destroyed wondering what I should do for her.
Hope Cal isn’t flea ridden! I had given Porsch her flea and worming treatments not long ago. I would do anything to have her back home before she was ill.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
Wanted to thank you as I wasn’t able to before. I’m still in turmoil as to having done the right thing for her, whether I still have time to collect her and bury her in the garden. I did try digging in two places but the garden is so root bound with all the trees and the clay soil like concrete that I had to give up. I have no privacy at home with all the neighbours watching everything I do. They have already been commenting on what has happened and how upset I am. They have no sense of dignity, to let me just get on with it without it being their entertainment. I really do feel like leaving this house. I am so devastated by Porscha’s leaving me and cannot imagine this space feeling like a home without her. It’s just a shell now.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I hope the hospital trip went ok today, as well as it could go. I have been thinking of you. I got your lovely card this afternoon and Porsch would certainly approve of the bright garden flowers. She so loved her garden.
You will see how distressed I’ve been and ringing the Blue Cross did help. My therapist explained that if I can let go of Porsch, knowing what a good and long life she had, that my decision was the best one for her, and to read Buddhist teachings of living in the here and now, to accept I cannot change the course of life and death, I will stop ‘fighting dragons’ and find some peace and be able to remember her as she was and find some happiness in that.
I’m still torn about whether to let her be cremated and scattered in the remembrance garden with a date of her passing (which I will never visit), get her cremated and bring her ashes home (would be distressing for me as it would be the ‘dead’ Porscha) or collect her body and see if I can bury her under the Diana fountain (but the garden is so tree bound that I gave up digging the two places I had chosen). I feel so guilty that I find no comfort in any of the choices. To let her go and be free without coming home is the easiest way to let her go for me. And she has already been set free to join mam (I’m still waiting for mam or Porsch to let me know).
I can imagine how stressful today has been for you, with your mam being at that hospital as well as what your bro is going through. You have more strength than you realise. I love that you said Porsch and I were two ‘fearless ladies’. She certainly was!
I will never understand how to let go and will always wrestle with myself over having just a bit more time. I have always had pets die throughout my life but Porsch was my baby. She always will be. I wonder if she knew how precious she was to me. I hope so.
I managed to get some sleep today and got ready at tea time, sorted the washing, had a tidy up. I don’t have the piles of dishes Porsch needed in heating up her food. I don’t have the litter tray to change. I thought about washing her blanket but couldn’t do it as it still has her scent on it. Will feed the birds and fox when it gets dark so I can’t be seen.
Remember to take care of you. You need to keep yourself well if you are to help your bro through this.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nic,
I couldn’t reply before but thank you for your kindness. I think getting something special for Porsch is a lovely idea. I’m still wrestling with what has happened, whether I have done the right thing even though I’m sure I would make the same decision again for her, whether I should get her ashes or try again to dig a grave in the garden. Letting her go is the least stressful but I wonder what she would have wanted, or if any of it makes a difference to her now that she is free from this world. I hope she visits me to let me know she is at peace now. I will do a special shrine in her favourite spot where she sat in the dappled shade and post pics. Can’t even go out there. I fed the fox and birds in the dark last night and will do so again tonight. Can’t believe she is gone. She is so loved. I hope she knows how much I miss her. She is like a child to me, very headstrong and determined to do as she pleases. I know she enjoyed her life. I keep wishing I was a softer, quieter, calmer person. As if that would have made her life happier. I cannot begin to express how devastated I am.
Sending love to you and the girls xxx
Hi Debbie,
Couldn’t reply to you before now as I was so distraught. It gives me comfort that you didn’t have Toffee brought home either. I’m still wrestling with my decisions. I would have buried her in the garden (if I was able to actually dig down between the tree roots and solid clay soil) but the thought of her out there on her own and in the cold over winter is too upsetting. Having her ashes would remind me always of her death and not her life. Knowing she will be cremated with others and join a Remembrance Garden with the date of cremation gives me some comfort, though I will never visit that place. So many people take comfort in bringing their pets home. I hope I don’t regret my decision. She is already freed through her passing and it is just her vessel to be dealt with. Is that harsh? I will create a shrine for her at her favourite spot where we sat together under the climber, watching the baby birds feasting and paddling at the start of summer. Seems so long ago. Do you believe Porsch is with mam? I hope so. The community posted a thing about ‘Rainbow Bridge’ where animals go to be collected by loved ones. I hope it is true, that mam collected her and she isn’t on her own, watching me not bring her home. I feel so guilty not doing that and wondering if I have made the wrong decision. And whether any of this stuff matters now that she is gone. I’m so exhausted now (even after having a sleep today) that I can’t think straight.
I can’t remember when you have your op but I know it was in August. Are you preparing for it again? Let me know when. I’ve only just remembered. I’ve been in a complete panic and fog since Porsch. Seems like weeks have passed but then it hits me like it has just happened. It feels very different to grieving for mam. Not more or less. Just different.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Alison.
So lovely to meet you and I’m comforted in knowing that our pets can feel our love. It still doesn’t seem real. Going through the waves of raw pain, disbelief, doubting myself on everything, wishing it wasn’t true. I wasn’t prepared for saying goodbye, even though I knew how ill she was and was getting worse over time. I wonder why I don’t process things in the same way as others. I seem to focus on the detail of the now and don’t see the overall picture and to start preparing for goodbye. Nothing could make the pain of her leaving me any less. I’m tormented by having to make the decision I made but know it was the right one for her. It’s the hardest thing I have had to face, apart from mam. Porsch would be moved by how loved she is. Thankyou .
Lots of love xxx
Hi Palou,
Thank you for your lovely description of Porsch. She really was a sweetheart. I have a beautiful picture of her looking into the camera and will use that in her shrine in the garden when I create it. You will have read the turmoil I am in with losing her and the decisions I have made. She is so precious to me, my child. I cannot even describe how painful it is for her to have died because I chose that for her rather than have her die naturally. I’m drowning in doubt and grief. I hope she is at peace now, running wild through a beautiful Heavenly garden with my mam watching close by. She’ll have all the treats she wants there. I hope she thinks of me often and waits for me to join her.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
I couldn’t reply to you until now as I’ve been so immersed in grief and doubting what I have done to end Porscha’s life and whether she can forgive me. It’s so painful to not have her with me. She really was my baby. I was so unprepared for the end because I didn’t want it to happen. But I was aware of balancing her illness against her quality of life. She was in her garden on her last day, enjoying the sun, watching the birds. I hope she is free now and happily getting into mischief with my mam. I imagine Heaven to be a beautiful garden so she will be more than content there. I hope it is true that we will join our loved ones after this life. I decided having her brought home, whether her body to bury in the garden, or her ashes for the shrine, was just too painful. But I feel guilty that others do this and find comfort in it. I hope Porsch knows I love her and that not bringing her home is one of the hardest decisions I am forcing myself to make. I will phone the vet now and see if she has left yet for cremation. She will be with others and be in a Remembrance garden with the date of her service. I do hope her body is just a vessel on earth and that she is free already through her death. I cannot imagine having another pet. I cannot go through this pain again.
I hope you are well and planning another outing. Feels like I’m on a positive roll at the mo and can see outside of myself and grief.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Forest,
Just thanking everyone for their kindness after being immersed in grief and wrestling with my decisions. Can’t believe it’s real, that she is not at home. I kept thinking I must check on her, get her in from the garden, time for her medicine etc. I have no routine now that she isn’t here. But I have caught up on some sleep today so feeling a bit more rational than yesterday.
I had just bought a huge bag of dry renal food for her because she wasn’t eating the gravy meat, stockpiled her litter and training pads I used around her tray so have lots of things to donate to a local animal charity. Seems very unreal. I’m either tearing myself apart in grief or feel like a zombie, going through the motions of doing things. It feels very different to mam. It was only 2 nights ago but feels like weeks have passed, and then as if it’s happening now. I was not at all prepared for the end. It happened suddenly because she was sick. I knew it was time and rushed to the vet without taking time to spend another night / day with her. I just wanted to end her suffering. I hope you have a plan in place when the time comes so that you have a decision already made and don’t doubt yourself afterwards for acting in the moment. I wish I hadn’t rushed and said goodbye to her properly. Going to ask the vet now if she has gone for cremation. I still feel guilty that she isn’t coming home.
Lots of love xxx
I didn’t want to leave it too late to drop by as I’m exhausted so thought I’d catch up with you now. I can see that through the sadness you have managed to sleep and found some strength and renewal in that.
I’ve still got the washing up to do, I’m haunted by washing up I’m sure.
We went to the Hospital and I was apprehensive outside but we had to pass the ward inside and I just turned away and couldn’t look. He didn’t have the Endoscopy as he was unable to tolerate the camera tube. So now they have said they will have to rearrange it quickly as it’s urgent and this time with double sedation. They couldn’t up the sedative dose at the time as a complication had arisen. So time is ticking and no-one knows anything more yet.
I did a mad thing today and bought myself a fitness band that tracks the your health stats and are accessed then on your phone. I keep having palpitations that I put down to anxiety but not really so sure so just bought one for a bit of insight. I’ve not felt really well for a bit but that’s enough about me.
Keep doing as you are doing because somehow you are getting to the end of the day. You’ll be upset, confused and everything in between so don’t do anything that you don’t feel up to. Porsch gave you companionship, a partnership and it’s a deep loss so don’t go thinking you should be up to doing and feeling as you were before. Just “be” and the days will look after themselves. You doing so well getting through one 24hrs to the next.
I’ll get this washing up done now and make sure everything is tidy. You know, Mum wouldn’t like anyone going to bed if there was as much as a fleck of salt on her stainless steel draining board, her pride and joy. She would be horrified to know standards have slipped.
Take care Christine and I wish you a good night’s sleep if you can manage it.
Hi all,
Just had confirmation that Porsch has been taken for her cremation. I was too late to change my mind about collecting her body but I have been given the number of the crem. It’s near Royston so not that far if I wanted to visit her there. Reminds me of collecting mams ashes. It does look pretty but I don’t know if she would want to be there. Have I done the wrong thing? Communal Animal And Pet Cremation Services In Cambridge (cpccares.com)
No I don’t think you have done the wrong thing. Maybe, because you say you were late in making the decision, it’s a sign that it’s “meant to be” that way. Maybe there is a bit of comfort in that the onus wasn’t on you, if that makes any sense. I don’t know if you think of it like that. I probably would.
I can see you are here so I’ll read your post if you leave one, but wish you a bit of peace tonight xx
I’ve just been looking at the link you attached. It looks such a a lovely and peaceful place. So peaceful. It’s so fitting of what Porsch would deserve. xx
Hi Tina,
Just posted a link to the cremation for Porsch. She has been collected. I can visit her there as it’s not far from here as far as I remember. Looks pretty and peaceful. Having opted for the communal cremation means she won’t be on her own. The vet said I could phone the place directly and see if she has already gone or if there is still time to give her a single ceremony and have her ashes returned. Doing this myself has been so stressful and quick. I have no experience of having to sort anything like this out. Mam was taken care of by my sisters husband so I didn’t / couldn’t have done anything to help with details. I hope I’ve done the right thing for Porscha. It does look very peaceful there and I will be able to visit her if my niece comes with me. Will be so hard to drive back afterwards. Really exhausted now but managed some cheese on toast and will watch the youtube about the Shaolin Buddhist monk. Will watch it in bed and hopefully rest. Here’s a link SHAOLIN MASTER | Shi Heng Yi 2023 - Full Interview With The Everyday Stoic - YouTube
You have done so well today Tina. To even go into the hospital was huge, and to then walk past where your mam was will have brought up so many memories and trauma. They’ll be waiting for you if you donlt react straight away. I can imagine you are holding it together for your bro and getting the house sorted for your mam is something you can achieve during this stressful time. I do the same. Both yesterday and today I had moments between breaking my heart where I did washing and tidied. It’s so strange not having the pile of dishes I’ve been having to tackle every morning. It’s quite bizarre seeing the floor space without her litter tray and all the training pads for when she missed the tray and weed over the side. I was cleaning it every day. It’s so strange the things that become routine and are missed afterwards.
I’m sure your bro will get a quick appointment and it will go ahead. Probably happens a lot. I hope he isn’t driving. Is your sister able to take you and drive you both back home? I remember taking both of my parents for all their hospital appointments. It was very stressful being at the hospitals but I did it because I had to for them. Mam knew how hard it was. I have a terrible sense of direction and could never have gone there myself no matter how many times I went. I miss being needed like that. I never thought it would end.
You will have the weekend now to rest and recover for the next appointment. I know you will both be very worried about going again and when, but it will happen when it is meant to.
You mention about having palpitations. I have them when I don’t even think I’m anxious. It can be adrenalin fueling the body. It is quite frightening not knowing why it is happening. Having it checked out would put your mind at rest. Knowing means you can understand when it happens and to let it settle down and pass on it’s own. Both my parents had stents. If I had a stroke at home and not able to phone for help I’d just be stuck. Very frightening. Hopefully your tracker will monitor when it happens and you can keep a diary of what you do around that time. Stress is often played out in the body. I couldn’t download the app for the watch I got months ago and gave it to my niece. Monitored heart with various exercises.
It’s pouring here. I fed the birds and fox earlier, swept up old bird seed on the patio. Going out there in little bursts with a set task is what I will need to do in order to get back into the garden. She is everywhere I turn.
I feel quite relaxed now that I know where she is and will be when she is cremated. I can distance my grief by visiting her there instead of being watched by the neighbours if she were in the garden. Having her ashes in the shrine would just be so upsetting because it would be a constant reminder that she is never coming back. I know she can’t. But this way she will be somewhere I can visit to see her. I will phone them in the morning and ask questions.
Not quite sure how I’ve got to night time but I’m relieved I have. I don’t know how I’m able to manage losing Porsch so soon after mam. Absolutely exhausted.
Night love xxx
Hi Tina,
Yes, I think making the decision quickly was exactly what I needed to do because she had been sick with the paste food. If there wasn’t a ‘sign’ we might have kept struggling for however long she was able to. I’m starting to feel better about what I have done for her, less guilty about making that decision. It doesn’t make the torment any less in not having her here with me. Don’t know how I will ever get used to the emptiness of her not being at home. She was such a good girl, so loving and cheeky. Maybe’s we did suit each others temperament well. She never seemed unhappy. I couldn’t have loved her more than I did and will do forever. She will always be my little fur baby. xxx
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but I get the whole companionship thing especially when you live on your own. You need time to adjust again to another major trauma but please take it from me and everyone else when we say you have nothing to feel guilty about