Morning Christine
Rain pounding down here too, I think it’s supposed to be a really bad weekend for the weather.
I’m glad to hear you’ve done some little tasks. It shows you’ve had moments of feeling a bit stronger and less unsteady. It wouldn’t matter though if you dont have the will to do anything at all because as we know, that’s what grief is about isn’t it.
Have a gentle day and I’ll get back on later to see how your day has been.
Much love xx
Hi Christine,
I looked on the link for the pet cemetery, it looks a lovely quiet peaceful place to be. It was the right decision and I hope your niece comes with you to visit.
Haven’t had my operation yet it’s a week today next Saturday.
I will come back later as just going out.
Love and hugs
Debbie xx
Hi Tina,
Woke up wondering if I should have just abandoned the medication and food she wouldn’t eat to let her enjoy whatever she wanted instead of watching her starve and become skin and bone. I was rationing her treats but should have just let her have them because at least she was eating those. I know weight loss is a symptom of the condition but I didn’t try her with normal food to see if that would help, even if it wasn’t the diet she needed. I kept persevering with the renal foods she disliked and she gave up eating completely. She must have thought I was being cruel to her. That must be been why she wouldn’t let me pick her up and have her on my knee. She must have thought I had stopped loving her. To lose her is hard enough but to wonder if she thought I was making her ill breaks my heart even more. I wish I had not tried the syringe feeding. I totally overpowered her wishes to stop. I can’t forgive myself for doing that to her, no matter if it was to get her to eat something. I wish it hadn’t been this disease. I slowly watched her die over months and stopped giving her the things she enjoyed. I could never get the Hills food delivered in time so always got the other foods instead. Maybe’s if I had tried getting the Hills food it would have made a difference. It was such a juggling act to get the food delivered in time but to try something different when she stopped eating a certain type. It was so stressful. But I should have tried harder, done more, researched more. I should have just stopped when she needed me to. I didn’t take a pic of her when she was ill at the end because she was so skinny. Here she is when she was quite hefty years ago at xmas time.
Hi Debbie,
Going to phone them now to see what is happening with Porsch and to ask them to take special care of her. I feel so guilty that I’m not there. Didn’t know I could be when she is being cremated. The vet didn’t tell me anything and didn’t know anything when I asked. She didn’t even know about it being a Remembrance Garden. It was out of hours so not who I was seeing for her treatment.
Hi Christine - I have read your posts for a long time about your beloved mum, gorgeous Porsch & your lovely garden, & I have really enjoyed reading them. I just felt I had to reach out to you when you were in so much distress, it actually really upset me to read you hurting & torturing yourself as to if you had done the right thing. You loved her so much & she knows that. Whatever you do is the right thing.
Look after yourself & take care. 
Alison xx
My Porscha has already been cremated. I just phoned. I wasn’t told that I could have been there. The communal cremations are added to the garden from August to December, just a token. But I can visit anytime and take my own things for Porsch to place in the garden for her. So I will get some pictures laminated and create a shrine for her in a quiet part of the garden. She didn’t have a favourite toy but did love her Dreamies treats so I will sprinkle some of those for her Maybe’s a piece of stone from the garden. I’ll have to think about it and tell my niece and see if she will visit with me as I can’t go on my own. It’s further than I thought, up the A1.
Absolutely heartbroken to know I could have been with her
Hi Alison,
I’m finding this so hard. I just found out Porsch has been cremated already and a token of the ashes will be placed in the Remembrance Garden from Aug to Dec so I will have to ring back again to see when she is there. I wish now I had got her cremated just herself so I could scatter her ashes there. I didn’t want her to be on her own so opted for the communal cremation. But I have also discovered that I could have taken her body in myself and attended her service. I wasn’t told anything by the vet when I asked for information. I had to ring several times and ask for information. It is only because of the website that I know I can include her picture and poetry etc in the Book of Remembrance. I can visit the garden and bring my own things and set up a little shrine for her. My niece has said she will come with me. I will be able to visit her there every day if I want to. It’s up the A1, about 40 mins on the map without traffic. It is a lovely garden. I hope she will be happy and free there. If my garden was a private space in which to visit her grave I would have done that but my neighbours are so nosy and watch what I’m doing anyway. I wouldn’t be able to be with Porscha. But I will visit her and chat to her and bring her treats. I can print a pic of her garden, with her photo and laminate it for outside. If I had had someone to help me I would have done things very differently. I would have taken her myself and had an individual cremation or burial and be able to visit the place where she rests forever. I won’t know if her ashes are even in the garden and where she will be if they aren’t. It feels so disrespectful the way I have dealt with her death. I had no information and was so distraught I couldn’t think straight. It was all so quick. There should be a much better system in place offering people packs of information so they can make an informed choice all the way along and know what happens instead. I will look at the plaques they do and will get a cat statue with wings for Porsch in her own garden. That way I will have her here at home too.
Debbie, thank you for your lovely card. Porscha would be so happy with all the love everyone has for her. In bits again. Downloaded the memorial sheet for the Book of Remembrance but I might do one of my own garden where she loved to spend her time. Too upsetting to do now and need to order inks. Had a look on Amazon for angel cat statues. Started gathering ideas but heartbreaking having to customise with her details. Found a Rainbow Bridge necklace and a description of what it is:
I can imagine Porsch waiting for me, getting up to mischief. She’ll be fretting that I’m not there. I should have spent more time with her when I was able to instead of being so busy all the time. I wish I had taken her with me to visit mam in the old garden. She would have loved it. I don’t know why I didn’t do that when my parents cat passed. Death makes me question everything I have done and that I should be better than I am, be less driven and more relaxed. But then I couldn’t have created the home and garden she has loved. There are so many things I would ask her if I could.
I found out that my niece was literally around the corner at my sister’s friends house the night after Porsch had died. It really hurts that she was a 5 min walk from me and didn’t think to see if I was ok. I couldn’t stop crying telling her about the cremation this morning. I left a message for my sis up north but she hasn’t rang me. I feel so alone without Porscha. I would have done so much more for her if I had had help.
Hello Christine
Thanks for sharing those photos of Porsch. She certainly looks like she had a happy, healthy and contented life.
I have been reading about you fretting over the food and wishing maybe you’d have been better letting her have what she wanted. But just imagine, if you’d have known there was a food that might have saved her and you had decided against using it you would now be in the most difficult situation of wishing you’d have tried it thinking she’d be OK now if you had. Researching everything as you did, and giving her every chance/advantage available means you are free from that particularly heavy burden and free to use those energies on remembering Porsch. I can’t imagine that makes a lot of sense but hope it helps you put your mind at rest a little.
The pain is still incredibly fresh yet and it’s only natural your head will be darting all over the place.
The place where Porsch is going looks so serene. It looks like it’s been developed with love and compassion.
You treated Porsch so incredibly well, and she knows you loved her. Pets sense these things.
Wishing you a bit of peace this afternoon.
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
How are you and bro doing? He must be going mad with worry. Waiting for the next appointment date will be torture.
I know I gave Porsch everything I could and looked after her like I should have but it doesn’t stop the ‘what if’s’. I felt peaceful knowing the crem garden is so lovely but then was so upset again knowing I could have taken her there myself and stayed for her service. I wish I had left her cushion with the vet but I didn’t think. I washed it but it still has the smell of death so I have put it in the garden as if she was still sitting out there. My therapist says I am torturing myself and that whatever I do or don’t do both my mam and Porsch will only be found inside my mind, in thoughts and memories of them. I know that makes sense. I feel so lost now. I’ve been tending to her needs since the start of the summer I think, can’t remember now, and now I have no reason to be awake after feeding the fish. I keep thinking I should have taken her back to the vet when her weight started to drop but that was why I was doing the appetite booster medication. She seemed to just keep falling and I was trying to feed her but it didn’t work. I should have taken her in again and they could have tried something else. Why didn’t I do that? I feel so lost without her. Trying to be pro active in researching statues for her just makes me upset again. Don’t even know if I can go out there now she isn’t here. I know her illness wasn’t that long and she is a cat and not a person but I imagine this must be like a care giver whose loved one has died. That is how much I love Porscha. I can’t imagine loving anyone more. I’m all in when it comes to emotion. I can’t control or measure my feelings. I can’t bear being awake now. Nothing can stop the pain of losing her.
Hi all,
Created a tribute to Porscha on the cremation website. Has to be approved so it will be Tues before it is up with all the other heartbreaking tributes of love. I wish I had been prepared for all of this. But then I couldn’t have planned her death while she was still alive and needing my attention. I feel some relief when I get to evening and can sit infront of the tv like a zombie. Sleeping doesn’t seem to stop the exhaustion but it’s better than not.
Watched the Shaolin youtube and to live in the moment and be aware of existing makes sense but I still can’t not react with absolute despair that Porsch is no longer alive. The energy we create in our lifetime lives on. I hope she is happy and has a new lease of life. I like to imagine her at the bridge waiting for me, making new friends and having lots of adventures. When Mercedes died years ago she was happy to have me all to herself again so I didn’t get another cat to keep her company. She didn’t need it and just wanted me. I really do feel lost without her to love and to be loved by her. I was so immersed in grief for mam that I didn’t see her get ill. Looking back through the pics I can see now when she started to lose weight and must have had thyroid before I realised. She had bouts of sickness and diarrhoea which I treated and she was ok again. I kept myself busy to get through the days. I should have paid more attention to her. Hindsight puts everything into perspective. I know there will be lots of animals who get half the attention she got but I could have done more. And she is all that matters.
I collected all her litter, puppy pads and renal foods to give to the local animal rescue. She always had a clean toilet because she made a big fuss if it needed doing. She would watch me cleaning / changing it and then walk away! My day is empty now unless I fill it up again but I don’t have the heart to get busy. I cry for her and sleep. There are things I could do, like getting inks for the printer so I could do some pics but I don’t have the energy. I did put her cushion outside for her where she loved to sit and she has a fresh water bowl. Just in case she visits me. I heard a cry on the pergola and thought for a second it was Porsch. And then realised it was my friends cat, India, coming to see me. Made my heart leap and then plummet. Everything is a reminder that she is gone.
Lovely photos of Porscha, Christine, and when her tribute Is approved put a link on here so we can see it.
Be proud of yourself, the care and devotion you gave Porscha, you couldn’t have done anything more. Perhaps your neighbours cat, India has just popped into the garden to see if your okay knowing that your heartbroken and missing Porscha.
Don’t forget to eat yourself and try to get some rest, I know easy said than done.
I’ll pop in again tomorrow
Love Debbie xx
Hi Debbie,
I added a facebook post to the cremation website after doing my tribute for her. Can’t do the link but here’s what I wrote:
Creating an online tribute to my beloved Porscha helps express my deep grief and love for her. It is both comforting and heartbreaking reading the other tributes. So much love. So much pain. We are lost but now have a place to visit and know that our loved ones will be at peace and be waiting for us.
Being able to share my love for her is helping somewhat. I’m sure she would be loving all the attention she’s getting.
It was lovely to see India. Being girls they tolerated each other but were never friends. I would catch India watching Porsch and P would pretend she was sleeping with her eyes open. She knew I always watched out for her. She was always safe but hated the cats coming into the garden.
I’m glad it’s night time again. Absolutely pitch black here. I knew Porsch probably didn’t have another xmas in her but I thought she would see the end of summer and planting for Autumn. It’s just so sad. My heart is absolutely broken.
Lots of love xxx
Christine…thank you for posting all your photos of your beautiful girl 
x
Hi Suzanne,
I’m absolutely haunted by having her put to sleep without trying more to keep her going. I know how ill she was but I made my decision based on the fact she had been sick and didn’t wait to see how she was afterwards. Even to have spent one more night with her, to have said my goodbyes and let her know that she is loved. If the vet had said we need to do this and there is no other option then I would have accepted that and known I could have done no more. But I didn’t try. But she was so very cold and tiny. It doesn’t matter how much I tell myself it was time I regret that she is gone and there is no more time to hold her and love her. I just can’t accept what I have done to her. What would a vet have tried? The vet said it would be more complicated in time so I don’t know what that meant. I was so upset all I could see was that she was suffering and I had to make it stop. I wish I hadn’t rushed. She didn’t have a choice. She didn’t know what was happening. I heard the vet being told by reception that I had been syringe feeding her because she had stopped eating. Did that keep her going for a little while? I have so many questions now and no answers
Hi Christine
You’ve taken some wonderful photos of Porsch there Christine. What a beautiful looking and sweet natured companion to have. I did notice there was a tribute section on the site when I opened the link in one of your last posts.
You’ve got to the end of another day, I know you probably didn’t think you had the mental energy to do so but you have and that will have taken it out of you so make sure you look after yourself well.
Yeah things are very difficult right now with this medical situation and I’m totally out of my depth. If all this turns out to be the worst outcome I don’t know how I’ll cope with the situation. I think you only really become a “true” adult when you have had children yourself and I feel I should be looking to Mum, but I know I’m not alone in that feeling.
Keep yourself safe and well, chat soon.
Much love xx
Hi Tina,
This is the third night since Porscha died and I still wish I had handled things differently. I just wish she was on her cushion now with me on the sofa or sleeping on cushions next to her. The life we shared is gone and I don’t have one of my own separate from her. We shared a life together in this house. I spent most of my time here with her. I keep seeing how much anesthetic she was given to knock her out before the other injection. I wish I’d stopped it. But somehow the grown up me took control and saw it through to the end, despite knowing the devastation that lay ahead. I really do feel like a child again. I need my Porscha. She loved me and I loved her. I should have taken more pics of her. There’ll be more of her in with the garden pics.
Whatever happens with your bro just remember that the fear of imagining the worst is often more frightening than the thing itself. You will find the strength to get through whatever it is. I did. Twice. Having information to work with is key in understanding what is happening and having some control over it. Doing what you need to will bring some relief. You will have your mam with you Tina. You will know what to do because she will guide you. I think you’re right about not having children. Somehow we haven’t evolved to see the world from a new perspective. I was always my mams child and my sisters resented me for it. I wish I was a child and knew nothing of what lay ahead.
I watched the Shaolin youtube and it made sense to be aware of everything we do, to be aware of our mortality and to make the right choices. But life in the real world is more complex. I think living in a retreat would bring such peace and wisdom. I’ve often thought about doing that. To leave the world I know and search for a different, simpler life. It feels like my life has stopped. Porscha kept me going because I was her mam. I’ve lost my child.
Thank you for checking on me. I really do feel so lost without Porsch. I always thought I was the one in control, looking after her. But without her I have come to a complete standstill. Didn’t even feed the birds tonight. I become so immersed in grief that the outside world I had has stopped, like I’m not part of it anymore.
Thinking of you both, with love xxx
Morning Christine
Thanks for your words of support. I appreciated them.
It looks like I have slept for 7 hours but still feel exhausted. Hope you managed to get some sleep overnight of sorts.
Have you got therapy tomorrow or Tuesday?
I hope someone drops in on you today or gives you a call.
I won’t bore you with any mindless chit chat but just to say you are in my thoughts as usual. I’ll check in later.
As always, don’t feel pressured to reply if you prefer some time of solitude, we all do sometimes.
Much love xx
Hi Christine - it is so very hard for you, you are torturing yourself as to whether you have done the right thing. It is a shame that the vet did not give you all the information at the time & given you some advice, so that you could have considered what you wanted to do. The shrine sounds like a lovely thing to do and I am sure you will make it beautiful with your creativity. Also the plaque & statue for your garden will be a lovely remembrance for Porsch. I hope you have a more peaceful day. Take care of yourself. xx
Christine,
I’ll talk more later but running late for work but just has to pop in and say…and I’m going to be perhaps a bit blunt and I don’t mean to upset you further but you did everything for Porsch…infact some people would have given up on her a lot sooner than you did. You went above and beyond to keep her with you as long as you did and frankly had you kept her going any longer you would have been keeping her alive for the wrong reason ie for you. To keep her going imo would have been the wrong decision and any vet who would have tried to extent a life when there is no real quality of life is in it for the money and not the pets.
You need to stop wondering if you did all you could etc as the answer is you did more and I still say when she acted out of character and bit you that was her saying it was ok to let her go and she was ready.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but you are being too hard on yourself for no reason xx
