Hi all. Just checking in to see how everyone is.
I’m not that great today. Did go out this afternoon and went to the cinema . Came home to the empty flat and just cried. I just feel totally overwhelmed with everything and just keep thinking about the nice life Mum and I had and comparing it to my life now. I feel numb most of the time and I’ve lost interest in so many things. If it wasn’t for theatre and cinema I’d hate to think what the state of my mental health and anxiety would be. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
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Hi Neil,
Sorry to read that you’re having a struggle of a day. Was it something specific that triggered it or just one of those days that creep up on you?
Really proud of you that you made yourself go out to the cinema as I probably would have just made an excuse to not. Was the film good? Were you able to enjoy it to an extent? x
I’ve been working all day so that’s kept my mind busy to an extent but like you coming home to a dark, empty house is just soul crushing.
My mum’s cat who is now mine I guess knocked over a photo frame with my mum’s photo in it and I heard myself saying to him to watch it as that’s all I have of her now is photos and memories…quite a kick in the guts tbh.
However as sad as that all sounds I’ve personally not been too bad last couple of days so if my better days can help your worse days then tell me how I can help cause we are all here for each other.
Take care,
Suzanne x
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Hi Suzanne. I think what triggered it was the official end of me being a carer. My Carers Allowance run on finished and that signals a big change in my life. Over those many years there have been ups and downs but it has been an absolute privilege and an honour to care for such wonderful parents .
The film I saw was Belfast which has been getting rave reviews for Kenneth Branagh . I had a Vue giftcard for Xmas so thought I would use it.
Sometimes it just seems everything is overwhelming me some days but them some days are better , like last week.
Hope you have a good week
Best wishes, Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Hearing the love and respect you have for your parents when you cared for them is so heart-warming and I can’t begin to imagine how you must be feeling as this door closes. One day when you feel like it it would be nice to hear about them more.
My cousin said she went to see Belfast and thoroughly enjoyed it. Not sure if it’s my kind of film but usually like what Kenneth Branagh does.
Have a peaceful night and keep checking in.
Suzanne x
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Just checking in on you as you’ve been quite quiet lately.
Let us know how you’re doing?
Suzanne x
Hi @NEILB72 and @christine51…
Just checking in to see how you both are this week.
Hoping it’s not been too bad for either of you.
Suzanne x
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Hi Suzanne. Been a decent day for me today. Thanks for thinking of me. Hope you are OK. I just get different days of up and down , thankfully getting more good ones than bad.
Hope you have a good evening x
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Hi Neil,
Glad to hear you’re having a better day and must admit I’m coping ok today so will accept it 
x
Going to my friends to watch Book of Boba Fett (dunno if you like it but I assume everyone does lol) and usually a nice time to get out of house.
Take care of yourself and just message if you need a chat.
Have a good night,
Suzanne x
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Just sending a brief message Christine to say I hope you are OK, and if not that you are being looked after. I did think of dropping a few lines as a private message but sometimes people just need their own space and therefore I didn’t like to intrude. Do take care. Kindness to you.
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Hey @NEILB72
How you doing these last few days?
I do hope they haven’t been too bad for you and maybe caught another show or that?
Just you’ve been quite quiet and hoping that means you haven’t needed to be on here
Anyway take care and hope all is well
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne. Have a quite a good day. Been watching the football and my team the Hammers scraping through to the next round of the FA Cup.
Dont know if I mentioned it earlier in the week I had chat over the phone with Mum’s consultant at the hospital. I was only told briefly at the time how Mum died but I decided now my head was a bit clearer I needed to have some questions answered. He went through everything clearly and calmly and answered everything I asked him and I really appreciated him doing so. That gives me some sort of peace of mind. Still got some ongoing issues that need sorting but once I do I think I can move forward in small steps.
Hope your weekend has been as good as can be so far x
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Hi Neil,
Must admit had to google who the Hammers were as I am football ignorant but glad it was the result you wanted 
That was a huge step forward to speak to her consultant so you should feel very proud of yourself. It seems that they were able to put your mind at ease to an extent and no doubt there will still be things outstanding but to have a better understanding can only be of benefit to you.
Had a pretty productive weekend and gotta work tomorrow unfortunately but those bills won’t pay themselves lol.
Hope tomorrow continues to be good for you and take care until we speak again 
Suzanne x
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Hi Suzanne and Christine.
Just checking how things are . Haven’t had a good day today( same as last Sunday). Had an anxiety attack this morning . I’m battling hard keep the flat and the Housing Assiciation making it difficult for me despite the fact I’ve been there many years and been paying the rent . Just have a day here and there where I’m completely overwhelmed with everything.
Had to phone Samaritans earlier. Still waiting for one to one Cruse counselling .
Anyway hope you have had a better day than me.
Best wishes , Neil xx
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Hi Neil and Suzanne and Tina,
I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I’ve had a horrible week. I miss my mam so much I don’t think I can wait to join her. I miss her so much my hair is falling out. I thought I was doing ok. Did some sewing today and photographing as I went for my blog.
I can suddenly smell the candle from the chapel of rest. My nose is so blocked from crying. It must be my mam. I just sent her a message on her tribute site, saying I can’t wait twenty years to join her and to visit me. This happened after the service and after visiting her. I don’t understand why she had to die. I just want it to never have happened. I can’t be without her. I can’t wait that long to be with her. I want her now but I can’t leave my little Porscha. Mam made being alone bearable because I could phone her. I can’t do that now. I can’t be upset in front of family and so can’t talk to they’ll say I need anti depressants. I need my mam. I’m absolutely not able to be without her.
Neil, I wanted to say, contact your MP to support you in the fight against losing your home. It’s disgusting that you have lost your love and now have a battle to lose the place you shared. Surely there are grounds for this situation? The MP will know. They have helped me in other things. Online application to briefly say what you need. Explain the urgency.
I can still smell the candle. It’s so pungent. I would come away from the chapel after a 2 hour visit and have a stinking headache (but then I had also been breaking my heart the whole time). I can’t bear not being able to tell her how she is the most precious and loved person I have ever had in my life. I’ve always been very headstrong, wanting excitement and adventure. I wish I’d been less boisterous and listened and been quieter. I want to hear her stories I’ve heard a thousand times already. I was so stressed about my neighbour drilling out the loft wall and having all the repairs and stress and his stalking behaviour. Mam understood but I wish I’d hidden it from her. I couldn’t invite my parents round with that going on. I feel so guilty for every time I’ve been angry telling them the latest drama. My anxiety made it impossible for me to settle down for my visit, always on the edge of a full blown panic attack. But she knew how hard it was for me to visit and get out of the house so she knew I was determined because I loved her and wanted to see her. I knew she was getting old but never thought of her as ‘old’ despite being nearly 80. I used to cut her for her and she’d always like it. I saved the cuttings to use in my work by they are too precious now so I’ll save them for the shrine. I hope she is at peaceful and thinking of us all. I hope she is free from the pain. If she is reincarnated I hope she is loved and treated with kindness. I don’t want her to be frightened. I want to return to her as a little girl and be destined to remain together forever with sunlight streaming through the windows, seeing all the dust fairies dancing as we return to out tea party of pink wafers and jammy dodgers in a camp under the table and chairs. I won’t get a paste egg for Christmas, dressed in wool hair and sequins. I kept my egg for three years on the kitchen windowsill. It cracked and the smell made me gag. I miss that egg. Here she is
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My sleeping tablet has started to kick in so I’ll be drifting off soon. I keep seeing mam taking her last breaths in front of me. My eel is now disabled and lies on the bottom of the tank gulping for air. That’s what mam was doing as she took her last breaths of air, staring at me. I held her leg because the nurses were beside her and there was no room. She fought very hard, not wanting to leave us. I hope we all gave her the love she showed us. It’s so easy to be loved and take it for granted from your mam. But I did get her very thoughtful pressies. Like the course of toning tables which stretched different parts of the bod white you lay there and parts of the chair moved. It was fun. Mam and her girls together. I wish I could tell her these things. I was so consumed by what was happening at the time that celebrating and having fun wasn’t something I could do. I’d love to get the phot albums out now and talk about happy days and what a lovely mam she is. I want to thank mam for my wonderful childhood, a tomboy allowed to roam free in the garden, collecting worms and bees and baking mud pies on the garden wall. That is my heaven.
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Oh Neil I am so sorry to hear this 
x. Just read your message as I had a bit of a wobble last night myself after watching Susan Calman’s TV programme as she was in Torquay and Babbacombe and it just reminded me that I was there with mum only about 6 months ago but this morning gotta go to work so had an early night.
Why are the housing association making it so difficult? If you’re paying the rent etc I can’t see why they are having an issue tbh but I don’t understand anything these places do?
What are you up to do today? I’m on a late shift so won’t be home til about 9pm but will check in with you later to see how you are.
Until then take care and hope today is kinder to you,
Suzanne x
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Hello Christine
It’s good to hear from you although not good to hear you’ve been in such a lot of distress. I had started to feel concerned about you. I’m really sorry to hear this. I feel much worse too. Don’t know what to do about things and sleep is a problem.
On a lighter note it seems that despite this painful setback you’d gained a bit strength to do your craft work and blog. I am really sorry about the eel. It must be upsetting. Your stories of your childhood escapades really interest me, it’s like reading one of those Enid Blyton books. I Would never have guessed you were a tomboy in your childhood. They sound such happy times for you all. I wouldn’t like to be a child today would you, today’s children will hardly remember their childhood with all this technology.
I hope you feel less distressed after you’ve rested your mind a bit if you’ve managed to sleep a bit. The unexpected intrusive thoughts really shake you up don’t they.
Thinking of you and Porscha.
x
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It’s lovely to hear from you Tina. I’ve had an awful time. Just wish I wasn’t here without mam. She was my world, understood my being trapped by the agoraphobia and what it took to go outside. I miss the way I could be with her before the anxiety. I feel like I couldn’t show her how much I loved her because the anxiety is so overwhelming. She couldn’t visit me at home because of the nightmare with my neighbour and all the repairs. And she was always feeling so unwell. She was told she would get better so I thought I had nothing to worry about. But then the cancer came from nowhere and was end stage. I couldn’t see her until the final couple of days when she was so zonked out on morphine she couldn’t speak and just held up her arms to say goodbye with a cuddle. I miss her so much I just want to die. I cannot bear living without her. My hair is falling out and I’m not bothered because all that matters to me is being with mam. How do you get through the day? Whatever I am able to force myself to do just fills in time until I’m heartbroken again. That feeling is always with me, even when I’m on the loo, in the bath, doing dishes. I just can’t do this anymore. I cannot imagine being like this for years, waiting to be with her. She is the only person who ever really loved me.
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Hi Suzanne. It’s because it’s a two bedroom flat. I applied for a discretionary tenancy as I need to stay here as this is my home. Surely someone who cared for their parents for many years and lived with them should have no problems getting a tenancy. It’s been two months now and it’s really causing my anxiety to get worse. Trying to get to see my GP this week .
I’ve contacted my local MP and they responded really quickly and have sent a letter to the Housing Association and two local councillors are on to them as well. Got my best mate calling me later for a catch up so should be a better evening.
Hope your day is going well .
Best wishes Neil x
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I know what you mean Christine, you can do stuff to try and distract but it’s all around you isn’t it. It just feels like you are “waiting” but you aren’t really sure what for. It doesn’t register how old our Mum’s are getting does it as on some level we think they’re invincible. I know some people seem to manage to cope but no-one has the same relationship/circumstances as another. I caught myself adding up how many years I’d have without my Mum and I can’t bear to think of the time span. Are you still seeing your Therapist? I still email the Samaritan’s regularly. Hope you get some peace this evening. x
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