Hi all,
Finding it difficult again since adding Porsch to the shrine, creating picture galleries throughout the house, and receiving her memorial statue. The house is so empty. I went out to therapy Tues and came back home for the first time since she passed. I always shouted to her that I was home and realised I can’t do that now. I still wish her a good night, along with mam. Not sleeping again, sleeping during the day, the smallest tasks feel huge (dishes etc). There is no reason now to wake up, get up, do anything. Can’t get in the garden because the car bloke is always there and coughs as soon as I open the kitchen door. The creep has been at home all week. Not being productive in the garden cuts off my energy / productive button and I become unable to function very quickly. I imagine going swimming, for a walk in the park, visiting the woods, getting a new chain for my bike now it is Autumn but I do none of these things. I sleep or watch a film / Judge Judy until evening comes, watch tv and then go to bed and watch camping youtube videos which are comforting and readying me for sleep (2 or 3 am). The silence and absence of Porsch, my role in caring for her now being redundant, is deafening. The effort to post or even read and catch up is hard at the mo. But my anxiety in not doing finds me here. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. But here are my pics so far. The galleries in the bathroom and bedroom have dropped off the wall so I’m waiting for better sticky tabs.
Kitchen gallery:
Shrine gallery:
Shrine memorial:
Remembrance Book prepared:
Poetry tribute for Porsch on the cremation site (click on link):
Online tribute to “Porschapoopoo” (cpccares.com)
Just a quick hello to you all:
Tina, I’m pleased your bro has had the procedure. Waiting 6 weeks will be torture but time will pass, as we know it does regardless of how we feel. Was amused with the image of your bro acting brave against the prisoner (think the handcuffs helped!) Silly boy driving. Hope he doesn’t do himself a mischief. You can settle now until needed again. Hope he is kind to you and appreciates your support.
I haven’t been to the memorial garden yet. Maybe’s it will help me to settle and start doing stuff again. I got a lovely message from the crem about the garden. I will be able to take my little memorial but I can’t create an elaborate shrine with ribbons for her. I’ll ask if I can do a rainbow braid around a tree trunk instead. She isn’t in the garden yet (Dec to Jan). But I don’t think it matters really. She is there because she was cremated there. It will be a link to home for her and for me to express my love because I can’t do that at home.
Debbie, so pleased you are home and doing well. Having lots of support will get you through what you need to do. Accept all the help offered. Rest and eat well, indulge in treats to keep you going, enjoy your book and puzzles. It’s all a blur now when mam got her new hip. It will only get easier, I’m sure. And having more time off work is a real bonus. See this as getting you ready for your retirement. And having a holiday booked to look forward to will be a good timeline to work to to keep you going.
Suzanne, thank you for my lovely pressie. I love the little paw print.
Seeing your beautiful pics reminds me of the freedom I will feel when I do get out to the park / woods. Nothing better than a big space, fresh air, physically being away from the upset of Porsch. Did you get any more sorting done? Sorting the easy stuff will have cleared a lot of bumph and ready you to tackle the more difficult stuff. Glad you are enjoying your time off, getting out and about, even if you can’t escape your customers! Never heard of that meat expression. Such a weird one.
Beki, loved your swim pics. Been waiting for them. Love your swim hat! Did you customize it yourself? Still amazed you’re doing it now the summer heat is cooling down. I’ve been wearing socks and cardy for bed. Going to be hot next week again. Fab that you have raised that much and really lovely that the hubby gave you a yummy thank you gift. Shows he appreciates all you are doing. Glad to see the knitting and crochet is still going strong. Maybe’s your ladies can wear their scarves for their winter swimming! That would make a fab pic. Being busy keeps you going. I find it difficult when I stop and then find it hard to get going again. So don’t stop! You could always do your winter swimming in a pool until it warms up again.
Alison, I find weekends and holidays really hard too because I would always go over mam’s for a garden party, BBQ, Sunday tea, visiting the garden centre, doing the garden, doing jobs etc. I really miss the old house before they moved into assisted living. I just miss her. And now Porsch is gone too I feel even more alone. Didn’t think I could feel any worse after losing mam. I know I’ll get back into it again, living life, being busy, getting things done. I looked at the simple seam stitching for my textiles and put it away again. I’ll get there. Did you get your glasses sorted? That will be an achievement. I still haven’t given the bags of food to the animal rescue charity. But I did wipe the blackboard of Porsch’a timetable of tablets and weight records. It’s as if she is being deleted from the house. Haven’t got into the garden apart from feeding the birds and fox. Just not brave enough at the mo. I’m going to tie the rainbow braids around the big tree trunks to celebrate Porscha’s love of her garden. Maybe’s decorate the steel frame of her daybed where she loved to sit. Just have no oomph at the mo. It’s good that you have your holiday with your mam to look forward to. It’s something you will enjoy even if you aren’t feeling good at the mo. I find recharging my batteries when I am sad is necessary for when I am feeling able to join the world again. I’ll get there. And you will too.
Neil, Glad you have Grease to look forward to next week. The original was on tv but I only caught the end of it where Sandy dresses up in her sexy outfit. Still don’t see why everyone fancies John Travolta. Preferred him in Sat Night Fever. Fab dancer. Will the ballet season be starting again? Mam always took the children to the local xmas panto at The Old Bull Arts Centre. She was a fabulous dancer, trained in ballet and tap, and then danced in the clubs in Newcastle as a teenager until she met dad, got married and settled down to having a family. She loved life, getting all dressed up, buying fabric on a Sat morning to make a new outfit for the evening. Wish I had her zest for life. I hope life is ticking along and you are still enjoying your regular chats with your friend. Do you have any plans for meeting up? I’m hoping to get my oomph back soon, to get a bike chain so I can get out in the woods and park again. Have to try harder to start my swimming again too.
Nick, I hope you’re recovering from the stress of the move. It will have really taken it out of you. Did you get the things sorted or into storage until later? I hope you had help. And are you still going for your walks in the park? Hope so. I know how hard it becomes to keep going. Starting again after stopping is the hardest of all.
Nic, I hope you are well and the girls are settling down to getting back to school. I always hated going back after the long summer hols but once there quickly settled down to a routine again. I think there is a comfort in routine, gets us through the day, putting time behind us so we can feel a sense of achievement. I’m quite exhausted now after posting. Losing Porsch has really taken it out of me. But it comforting having her all around me. Or she will be when I get my new stickers.
Lots of love to you all. xxx
x
