CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM

[Tina19]

Hi Christine

Are you doing better now for having been out and spoke with your therapist. I hope so. It’s definitely turned colder and although it rained we have had no thunderstorms.

Hahaha, you describe my brother as a “ball of fury”, you would have thought so last night! It had just gone 10pm and next door had started to blast his TV and I heard this awful bang. It turns out he banged on the wall and shouted at him nextdoor to turn the TV down! I had to go and find Zoe as she’d run off upstairs with her heart pounding through her chest. I think what’s happened is the guy has mounted his TV on the wall behind our settee so the volume is heightened. 10pm isn’t that late on this one occasion but it was the tipping point for the many occasions before then. What a state to get to!

I hope getting out has helped you feel a little lighter in yourself as you’d said you’d felt really upset again. It’s just so exhausting isn’t it. It’s like waiting for someone that’s gone on a long holiday and sometimes it even feels like they’ll be back soon and then your heart sinks all over again doesn’t it.

Are you eating any better than you were? I remember you saying you wasn’t eating that well. I’ve eaten some rubbish recently but to make a nutritious meal seems such a chore of late. Plus, I’ll make my brother something healthy and before you know it he’s asking for extra stuff to eat which is the rubbish stuff I’be been avoiding making!

Hope you picked up something nice for yourself when you were out.

Speak soon and much love xx

[Tina19]

Hi Alison

Yes it’s certainly cooler! It’s always tricky knowing what to go out in at this time of the year when it seems to be neither one season or the other!

The dog has gone silent, I best go and see what she’s doing because a silent dog is like a silent toddler, upto something they shouldn’t be or just done it!

Much love xx

[warriner21]

Hi Tina

Lovely & cool yesterday. More my sort of weather than what we had last week.

Hope the dog has not got up to anything untoward.

Have a good day.

Love from Alison xx

[christine51]

Hi Beki,
Still trying to catch up on posts as I’ve been upset about Porsch and Mam and not really getting a lot done.
Love your pics of Gramps’s garden! Well jel !!! He is certainly a splendid gardener. Reminds me of the shows up north when I was little. All the allotment growers with giant leeks and cabbages (lots of trade secrets on the growing kept under wraps), jam stalls and the embroidery bit where I won my first medal for my pansie cross stitch bag. I still have it. Love the old stone wall garden. Reminds me of Yorkshire when we visited cousins who had a farm outside of York. Loved going there. They had a fabulous orchard. Always buzzing with bees and wasps. Quite a hazard really! My parents grew a lot of veg as well as flowers up north. Seemed to be the thing to do before it became a fashionable gardening theme. Hope your grandad is bringing you lots of produce. You could make some soup and freeze it. A great healthy go to option when you need to grab something quickly. Heat in the microwave and add lumps of cheese or ham. Delicious.
You’re a braver woman than me swimming in October. Hope you haven’t been swimming through sewage. There’s been a lot of it being pumped into the sea and beach goers have been wading through it to get to the sea. Gross. If you do get up early for your swims you’ll be invigorated for the whole day ahead. I went swimming after therapy yesterday with my niece but didnl;t get much of a swim with the outdoor pool closed and schools hogging the big pool with their swimming lessons. But it was nice to catch up on news. Will go again tomorrow as I’ve dismantled my parents old bbq and will do a trip to the skip. It’s just round the corner from there.
Love that you’re thriving and getting out and about. I’ve done some bits in the garden but I’m easily exhausted. Think it’s grief taking it’s toll again with Porsch and I’m missing mam again as if she has just left. None of it makes sense. It’s week 4 today for Porsch and tomorrow will be week 42 of mam’s second year. Can’t wrap my head around it. Still forget it’s real.
Will try catching up with all the others now. Seems to have been an explosion of posts while I’ve been elsewhere.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Suzanne,
Seems to be ages since I was chatting with you. Finding it hard again. Still think Porsch is at home when I walk in the door and go to shout that I’m back and then it hits me she’s not here. I talk to her picture gallery throughout the day but it just upsets me. I keep thinking I should have made more time for her, sat with her instead of doing all the garden jobs that don’t mean anything now. Still getting bits done but easily exhausted afterwards. Sure I’ll pick up again and get finished what I’ve started - grouting the patio, reseeding the lawn (x2), drying bulbs etc. Seems a massive task.
How lovely of your nice to buy you sunflowers. She obviously adores you! I’ve tried growing them but no luck. Such a happy flower. It was nice catching up with my niece yesterday. When I’m with her it’s like being back in the real world again, being me, having a laugh and a natter. I can put my grief on hold for a short time until I return home again. I’m sure being so isolated makes my grief more intense because it sits with me, is everywhere in the house and garden.
You’ll be pleased the temperatures have dropped a bit. No massive storm but some rain last night. I’m surprised you didn’t pass out with the heat in work. My car is like an oven on wheels because I didn’t get the air con done. I only do short journeys but it is like travelling in a sauna wearing a fur coat.
Will be visiting the Garden of Remembrance for Porsch soon. Waiting for another statue for her (the same one) but really putting off going because I know how upsetting it will be to see her final resting place. She isn’t there yet. Token ashes are added to the garden Dec / Jan. But that’s ok. I feel her with me at home.
Glad to see you still going to the Loch. I can image everyone out on the water. I used to love messing around in my little dinghy on holiday.
Creep has started with his garden tools, chopping down everything in site. I’m surprised he has anything growing in his garden. He can’t see in now with the fence, trellis tops, additional consetina trellis, bamboo, and now camouflage netting (looks just like ivy - very effective). He has taken his swing chair away from the top of the garden and the mirror on the shed wall. So obvious he was watching me.
Still need to take pics of the patio. Looks huge now that the bbq is gone. I’ve been hanging onto it because of memories of good times in the old garden. But I don’t need it sitting there to remember. Mam is in my heart and head, always. Just feel really really sad again that she isn’t here. Nobody told me it would be this heard.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Alison,
Sorry I haven’t been posting. I think I’m ok and will start posting but then get very upset and have to leave. I can’t make sense of it. Seeing my niece for a swim yesterday was like nothing had happened. I was laughing and being my old self. But then I always forget Porscha has died when I return home and it hits me all over again. I always go to shout of her as I walk through the door. Talking to her picture gallery, telling her how much mammy loves her, is heartbreaking. None of it feels real. It doesn’t make sense to me and I have so many things going round in my head. Some things are such a blur, big gaps, but then others are vivid, like watching a film. And I feel so guilty, not for anything specific, just for being who I am and not being perfect. I know it doesn’t make sense because I did more for both my parents than my two sisters combined. I just don’t want it to be true. I don’t understand how I can be here and mam isn’t. My therapist says it is usually when a child has moved away and feels guilt about leaving the parent, not seeing much of them. I feel lost without her in this world.
Your hawthorn tree is huge. I’ve been here 17 years and mine hasn’t really grown much at all. Haven’t checked on it’s berries but there are loads of rosehips for the birds. Have lost my oomph again for the garden. It takes such a lot of energy and I feel so exhausted again.
I’m pleased Bev has family around her. She’ll need them. She’ll be feeling quite desperate. I hope they can sort out her pain. Mam was given morphine but wasn’t taking it and I didn’t know. I wasn’t included in what was going on. Dad didn’t even include me on the list so that when I phoned the hospital for news the nurses weren’t able to tell me anything. It was like I didn’t count. I don’t understand why I was being excluded. Porsch leaving me has brought up such a lot of stuff about mam.
Really pleased you had a good day out. I wish I could have done things with mam without my anxiety. I keep thinking I should have made the most of it, all the times before she became ill. Feels like I ran out of time but wasn’t even aware of it. I just wish I could talk to her to explain. She knew the effort it took to just go over to visit (with my anxiety). I wish things could have been different.
Soz Alison, I’m getting really upset again. Can’t stop it. I feel so lost without my mam. I wish I could be with her.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
Still catching up with everyone. Always feel better for it but in floods of tears again at the mo. Don’t even know why. I have little windows into the real world where I am myself for a short time, like swimming yesterday with my niece. And then earlier today, taking the bbq apart to go to the skip (been hanging onto it since my parents moved from the old house into the assisted living and I haven’t used it as nobody visits me). I feel so drained. I miss Porsch being at home when I get back. I forget. It just makes me cry seeing her picture galleries everywhere because she isn’t alive. I can’t make sense of it. It’s too hard being here without them both. I just don’t see the point in anything. Whatever I do doesn’t matter now. I just want to be with them.
I wish your bro would let you in and allow you to help him through this. He’d feel less frightened coping on his own. Having support lessens the burden of facing it alone. Being there for him if / when he needs you is all you can do. You are a very loving person Tina. He should feel privileged to have you by his side.
Well done for getting the weeding done. I gave up on loading the bits into the car because the workman are out there and the nosy woman who hates me always come out when she sees me. The creep is at home too so I just couldn’t stay out there any longer. Managed to pile the stuff up next to the car for when it’s dark so I’m not watched. Has cleared a big space on the patio and I’ll be able to do another chunk of grouting again. Will move the bed Porsch sat on and will add more rainbow ribbons over the table.
I bought fairy lights to replace the ones the squirrel broke trying to get to the bird feeders. I was inspired by your card, saying Porsch would want me to be bathed in colour and light (and mam’s last xmas pressie was coloured fairy lights). She was always such a happy little soul, quiet and content with her life. I’ve decided on adding my rainbow braid as armbands to the pergola legs and around a few tree trunks to celebrate her love of being in the garden. It will tie in the lights as they change colour. And when I get my xmas tree for the patio I’ll light that too, along with ribbons (red kisses for mam from last year and rainbows for Porsch). I feel totally disconnected to what I’m saying I will do. It’s all just words. Nothing I do can ever make a difference, or fill the void they have left behind. I just can’t stop wanting to be with them.
Will try to get pics of the patio to post. And maybe’s prep another chunk to grout. I found an old metal tent peg (from the seventies) to use as an excavating tool. If you have an old knife you could tape to a stick you could use that to save bending down for your weeding.
Lots of love xxx

[warriner21]

Hi Christine,
Lovely to hear from you.
Do not worry about not posting, you are still grieving and you do not need to be so hard on yourself - but you will. I do wish you could stop beating yourself up. In my experience life does not make sense. You feeling guilty about being yourself is awful for you, none of us are perfect. Your mam loved you for who you are/were. You did so much for your mam & Porscha & loved them unconditionally, as they did you. I feel guilty about how I coped with Rich when he was ill, but I know I did the best I could - as you did. When we are grieving our minds go into strange places, that sometimes are not rational - by that I am referring to myself & not you. And I totally understand/get what you mean about feeling lost without them in this world. My life does not make sense to me nowadays, I cannot believe that I am here in this world without Rich. So all that you feel/think is not only you - I have these crazy thoughts & feelings. I feel that part of me is missing and I know it will never come back, I know I am a different person than I was. Sometimes I don’t like this person I have turned into.
The hawthorn tree in my garden was here when we moved in, 6 years on Friday. The trees are probably too high for the neighbours behind me, but hey ho they give me privacy & I am not paying someone to trim them. I have no oomph for the garden, grass cutting looms at the weekend - will have to tackle my nemesis again. And still need to plant my daffodil bulbs, they will get done sometime. So many jobs, so little go, but it will come back eventually. And you will get back into your garden at some point. Photos attached of my very tall trees/bushes.

Think I have messed up uploading my photos somehow - never mind.
Went to see Bev yesterday, she was so bright & bubbly - lovely to see. She had even made some cup cakes, she is bored - she is used to doing stuff, a real doer & very active. So it is a shock to the system for her. She is not sleeping well though, so the hospital has upped her painkillers - so hopefully that will improve. Her family are lovely and her hubby used to be a chef, so he does most of the cooking - cooks lovely food. I could do with someone to cook lovely food for me!! Mum & I are going to go out for lunch with her next Friday. She still has the drain in, hopefully will be removed later this week. Surgeon ringing her tomorrow re the lymph nodes they removed, hoping for some good news for her. We could all do with some, so fingers crossed.
It was cruel that you dad didn’t include you on the list for the hospital, that must have really hurt you. I totally get that Prosch leaving you has brought up a lot of stuff about you mam. It makes you question everything in your life. None of us realise we are running out of time, in a way I think that is a good thing. Christine, please stop torturing yourself, your mam knew/understood what you were & all about your struggles in life - she loved you & accepted you for everything you are/were. Do not apologise for getting upset, we all have these guilt/hurt issues that we carry in life. Mine are horrific, in my quiet moments I feel so guilty about so much - did he know how much I loved him, does he know how much I miss him, does he know how much I want him back & on & on. Irrational, stupid thoughts. Not having a great day myself. The worry about Bev has brought up all sorts of thoughts/memories. Life is s**t/cruel at times.

Take care & look after yourself. Lots of love, xxx

[Tina19]

Hello Christine

I’m really sorry to read you’ve been so down again. I understand when you speak of seeing a bit of your old self again in the times that you are with your Niece and Nephew. I experience similar. It’s as if I think/feel as there’s two separate people in my head but they never quite meet as “one”. It’s like being in a constant state of “flux”. I was reading Alison’s reply to you and I’d be struggling to explain things half as well as she has regarding the feelings of “guilt”. Sometimes Christine I feel haunted by guilt feelings and in the depths of it these feelings are all-consuming aren’t they. We think we are the only ones to go to that dreadful place of guilt-feeling but you can see by how many speak of this aspect on the forum that’s it’s another element of grief we seem to go through, and to be honest, maybe plenty more feel the same but probably don’t even like to say. My justification was that it was the only thing left that I could do and so that’s what I did, forever berating myself. You know the true and real story Christine and that was that you had a strong bond of love and friendship with your Mam and for those times when you personally feel you could have done/been different just remember that some of those times had probably been brought about by events/situations that were not in your control. Please try not to beat yourself up so harshly. Also I see that it’s 4 weeks since Porsch. You may still feel quite numb. It’s just a blink of an eye timewise so it’s totally understandable that you feel so sad. Just as important is that Porsch is an extension of your Mam in some respects so all your feelings about what happened with your Mam will also naturally intensify. I understand the lack of her presence at home is sometimes too much to bear but you’ll get there eventually in that area. You won’t realise that the healing from that is going on behind the scenes in your mind, but it will ease in many ways, not just yet.

Well I’m not doing a good job of being positive and cheerful I must admit! I hope I’ve not made you feel worse.

I’ll have to catch up tomorrow with everyone and finish my post as Is seem to have run out of time.

Totally exhausted from waking at 5am and having possible Covid so I better see if I can magic some sleep up from somewhere.

Much love and catch up tomorrow.

xx

[Tina19]

Morning Alison

Wow those trees are pretty impressive! A few years ago we had a tree in our garden and one minute it was nothing but a tiny twig and fast forward 30odd years it was towering the house. It wasn’t a dainty ornamental tree but one you see in the Forests, oak or ash. When Mum and my Brother bought the council property they paid to have it removed. I remember Mum being distraught about it. It was like losing a friend to her. And goodness me tree surgeons don’t come cheap.

Hope your friend get/got the good news she wanted to hear. It’s a terrible time for her and her family. Life seems like some inhumane Krypton Factor style assault course at times doesn’t it.

Feeling a bit poorly myself still as don’t know if I’ve got Covid or a virus so hope it passes. I think everyone is a bit under the weather right now. Sorry to hear you’ve had a bit of bad day yesterday. They are never far away are they. Yesterday my brother wanted to borrow my Husband’s laptop to write a disk and although I didn’t mind I told him to go and use and not let me see it or hear it start up. I know it sounds stupid but that piece of electronic equipment, full of pictures and photos and his recorded performances as a singer is like looking into the life I once had and it’s a terribly scary feeling. That all sounds incredibly mad I imagine. The things we think about in loss and where our mind takes us is unbelievable.

Anyway, hope you have a gentle stress free day and that your friend gets the chance to celebrate a bit of good news on the health front.

Much love
Xx

[warriner21]

Morning Tina

Lovely to hear from you, thank you.

The trees could probably do with pruning a bit, but will leave it until next year. But I also like the privacy aspect of them. Like you say tree surgeons don’t come cheap. And I want to get some gates for my drive so that the back of the house is more secure, but first quote is nearly £1000.

Fingers crossed Bev gets some good news today. You are right in your description of life - we all seem to be struggling with an assault course, full of hurdles.

Hope you feel better today. There are so many viruses/cold bugs around at the moment, never mind Covid rearing it’s ugly head again.

I totally get what you said about your husband’s laptop & you do not sound mad at all, my hubby’s ipad has not been switched on since I lost him. It is just sat in a drawer, I probably will never touch it. I cannot even clean the screen, as his fingerprints are on it. I struggle to look at photos, like you I miss the life I had. Would give anything to have it back. It is so hard for all of us Tina, and cruel.

I hope you have a good day too. Take care of yourself.

Lots of love to you, xxx

[warriner21]

Hi Christine,
Just wondering how you are doing? Not heard from you for a few days & know you were struggling - so just a bit worried about you.
Hoping you are really busy in your garden & that is what is consuming your days.
Hope you have sorted your fairy lights & rainbow braids out and are now bathed in colour. And your grouting is all finished.
Just cut my grass, sweating so need a shower. Not many cuts to do this year, thank heavens. I hate cutting the grass, detest it. The lawn is up & down, used to have a large pond in it before we moved in & they didn’t level it out. Still not managed to get my daff bulbs planted, plan on doing it in the morning.
Not a great day for me, Rich’s birthday. Still cannot believe he is gone, 3 birthdays later - stupid really. Just feeling sad today.
Optician appointment today - I need new glasses, what a surprise. Apparently they are too strong?? Both prescriptions are wrong, not too impressed. I knew they were wrong as soon as I got home & looked at my laptop.
Mum is coming over this evening and we are going to the pub for a drink, then on to the local Indian for a meal. Tomorrow we are going with Alan to Nunnington Hall, free entrance tomorrow, some promotion from the National Trust. Looking forward to it, once saw it on Most Haunted - will see.
Bev still has her drain in. Went to see her on Tuesday and have spoken to her every day. Sadly she is not sleeping well, welcome to my world, so we end up chatting at 5.30am. Hopefully when she gets her drain out on Monday she will feel a bit better. She is coming to mine for lunch on Friday with mum.
Anyway just wanted to check in. Hope to chat soon. Take care.
Lots of love xx

[Tina19]

Hi Alison.

Hope the weekend is being kind to you.

Managed to make a start on preparing the front garden for the Winter before Autumn sets in properly. Had a bit of a fight with a wild rose. Those thorns are lethal on those. Don’t fancy tackling them on a cold winter day. Next step is chopping some kindling for the log burner!

Definitely feel the cooler weather now can’t you. For all it rained in the Summer I think we had quite a good one with lots of high temperatures.

Hope Bev is keeping her strength up as well. How blessed you both are to have each other.

Catch you later
Much love xx

[Tina19]

Morning Christine

Just thought I’d drop by and say Hello in case you are dropping in yourself and reading the posts.

Hope you’ve managed something to give you a little uplift. I nipped on the scales last night and what a shock I had. I’m going to have to go on a pre-diet in order to start a proper diet. It’s not that I want to lose weight to impress anyone but all I can see ahead is lack of mobility and bad health conditions.
Has the garden kept you busy this weekend? I managed a fight with a wild rose! I think I’ll saw one of the off shoots down at the ground as they grow incredibly thick don’t they and it’s growing up the side of the house so would cause damage if it was left.

To be honest Christine I’m just glad when it’s time to go to bed and shut everything out. Like a few of us I’ve had some bad lows recently. Both my Husband and Mum became more unwell at this time of year. I think I remember you saying similar.

Keep fighting on. I’ll drop by later

Much love xx

[warriner21]

Morning Tina.

Getting through the weekend, not a great one for me - it was Rich’s birthday yesterday. Cannot quite believe I have been without him for 3 birthdays, still missing him every day. Yesterday was a day to just get through. Mum & I went for a meal at our local Indian last night, someone was celebrating a birthday - when everyone started to sing happy birthday I had to go outside.

I spent quite a while in the garden yesterday, cut the grass & tidied up a bit. I usually end up scratching or cutting myself on something in the garden. Very impressed with you chopping kindling, don’t think I could tackle that job safely.

It is much cooler now, thankfully. I like snuggling up in my dressing gown with a fleece blanket. It does feel like autumn now.

Bev is keeping going - coming to my house on Friday with mum for lunch. She is a bit worried about going to busy places with the threat of more covid around - which I understand.

Hope you have a decent Sunday Tina & it is very kind to you.

Take care, much love xxx

[Suzanne30]

Hey Christine:)

You feeling a bit down just now as I see you haven’t posted in a couple of days? I know it doesn’t help much but you have a lot of friends here so lean on us when you need to x

Not been up to much lately but I did get a new tattoo on my calf…OMG the pain!! It was so bad that I’m taking painkillers but it’s a lot less painful know it’s healing but f**k me it was agony….thing is I just kept hearing mum in my head saying ‘no sympathy, you’re own fault’ x Next tattoo is booked for 8th December ie anniversary of her passing x. the niece who gave me the sunflowers has booked an all day session with the tattooist so think she has got the bug now lol x

Also trying to book a holiday to Boston/Salem next August but it’s almost trebled in price from when I booked it when mum and I were meant to go….everything is so expensive these days.

You meeting your niece sounded like the tonic you needed. Can you meet her again as you always seem to be lighter?

That Creep just needs to do one! You were saying he’s cutting stuff back/down….none of it is anything you’ve been building/planting is it? x

Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing and remind you that you are much missed when not here x

[Suzanne30]

Evening Neil

How’s it going this weekend? You keeping busy? How’s the football going? x
Did I miss the title of what you’re seeing on the 23rd?

So glad to hear your friend with the cancer is doing well and that your friend is still phoning in the Wed cause I know how much it lifts your spirits x

Have you spoken to your family from Oz lately? Are they back home now? I’ve thought a few times of trying to locate my uncle ie mums brother but have decided against it as we’ve not spoken for nearly 10 years, he didn’t come to my auntie’s funeral (him and mums eldest sister) and honestly I don’t even know if mum has passed…Och well can’t miss what you’ve never had lol x

You looking after yourself ok? Was worried about the heat in the theatres lately but was pleased to read you hadn’t had any further issues.
Been to the cinema lately? If so any recommendations? x I’ve tried a few films on Sky lately but nothing seems to hold my interest now like it used to.

Look forward to hearing how you are doing so until then take care and much love x

[NEILB72]

Hi Suzanne
Had a quiet week. Just been shopping and noticed all the Xmas stuff on the shelves already. I never start any Xmas shopping until Nov at least. I think I speak for a lot of us on here that the festive season is no longer the same for us without loved ones.
The play I’m seeing on Sat is The Father and the Assassin at the National Theatre. Missed it last year so pleased it is back and looking forward to it. True story about a close friend of Gandhi who is radicalised and ends up murdering him . Reviews are great!
Early in the week as you know is my worst time but have my outing on Sat and focusing on that!
Catch up again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[Tina19]

Morning all

Christine. Hope you are coping as well as you can. I meant to drop in earlier but things haven’t been great. He went to work yesterday and ended up at Casualty for 10hours with his pain in his side etc. They did all the preliminary obvs and decided to do a CT scan but because the blood markers came back ok at that point they forgot to tell him or the Radiographer that information and that they would ask him to come back to the hospital rather than do it as an acute need. So he only got home at 9.30pm. But he flew into a rage at the hospital and was still raging this morning bringing up all Mum’s bad treatment by them on her last few hours. Stuff that I’d been burying so I’m sat here with painful memories on my own and he’s gone to work. I know not all hospitals are the same but I also had a really bad experience when my Husband was at a different hospital so I’m just floored really this morning. Most vets treat pets with more compassion than I’ve witnessed in several NHS Hospitals and I’m petrified of stepping in to one to be honest.

Hope you are well otherwise Christine, no Covid or nasty viruses. How is your therapy going and have you been out? Of course you needn’t answer, it’s just me “thinking out loud” but I’m thinking of you and hoping that you have managed to go. It’s pouring down here and as I don’t drive I won’t be able to get to the shops so it will probably be a day indoors I think again. Who needs sunshine anyway with a happy and sunny disposition like mine!!

Alison. I hope you are doing ok and that Bev is holding up as best she can. My Brother is waiting for biopsy results for suspected stomach cancer but apparently it’s 5/6 weeks wait for results and he knows of someone still waiting at 6 weeks. I must admit I dont know what they do with the sample to be sure one way or another but it seems terribly inhumane to have to wait that long. It seems ages that we were all melting under the Sun doesn’t it and now it’s really quite chilly and lashing it down. I hope you feel a bit less distressed now as you’d just had Rich’s birthday the last time you posted. I’d remembered you’d said something a few days before but with what’s been going on here I’d forgot or I’d have checked in on the actual day to see how you were. In my case the build and anticipated distress is sometimes the worst part and the day itself turns out to be more copeable than you’d think, albeit still sad. Was up at 6.30am but not eaten yet do will get a brew and some toast on. Have a calm day Alison.

Neil I wholeheartedly agree with you about Christmas. As a family we were never big socializers over Christmas with being a small family so don’t miss that aspect but I do understand what you mean. The production at the Theatre you are seeing next sounds interesting. Have a brilliant time. Like you say, the early weekdays are hard but with something nice on the horizon to look forward to it makes things just a bit easier to cope with.

Warm wishes also to Palou and Nick.

Much love to all xx

[Nick22]

Hi Tina19, I did get some results 6 or 7 weeks ago but the tests were from last autumn. (Cannot even remember the month of the test mow.) - I also did get a letter last year telling me to look out for a letter with the appointment date for another test, but the letter never arrived. Perhaps it will arrive next year. - haha - Nick