Hi Tina
You are very welcome. I remember last year spending my 50th without Mum.
No plans for ABBA as its way too expensive for me but am back seeing the Royal Ballet on 17th Oct performing Don Quixote .
Sending love and very best wishes
Neil x
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Hiya all 
Been a bit of a hectic week with work etc but had a nice lunch with my cousins yesterday, caught up with my friend who is still off work and today was at the comicon in Edinburgh today with my goddaughter x
A lot of big names guests were there if you like that kind of thing like people from LOTR like Elijah Wood and Andy Serkis, TV shows like Arrow, Breaking Bad, Gotham
and even some of the original Pink Ladies from Grease lol x
It was very very busy but had a great time even if we did have to stand in the pouring rain for 20 mins to get in!!
Hope everyone of keeping well this week and not finding it too hard. I know Iām starting to get a wee bit anxious with the nights drawing in again and people talking about Xmas etc but then I think to myself itās going to happen whether I worry or not so maybe try not to worry 
ā¦will see how that goes lol x
Take care of yourselves and much love 
x
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Hi to everyone.
Alison. I hope it was a good afternoon out for you yesterday. I went out early to the shops thinking it was going to pour down as per the weather forecast but it ended up roasting and sunny. Youād think it was a hot July afternoon with the sun blazing all day. I didnāt buy anything exciting but I walked nearly 3 miles so did at least get some exercise haha! Brother got some CT scan results yesterday but it was a copy letter to the doctor so difficult to interpret. No Biopsy result however so he will chase that up this week as it will be the 6 week mark.
Strangely enough I havenāt thought about doing the unopened jigsaws, itās a shame but I donāt think Iād be able to get into them. Plus one swish of Zoeās tail and the pieces would end up scattered in all directions!
Iāve nothing specific on the agenda for today so may go for a short walk. Hope you get to do something nice Alison today.
Suzanne, Fabulous photos, looks like a great time was had there! Understand the anxiety, Iām starting to experience increased morning anxiety recently so can empathize. Hope you have a good Sunday.
Neil, hope you are taking advantage of the warmer weather after the rain. Is this the start of the āIndian Summerā I wonder!! Have a relaxing Sunday.
Good morning also Palou and Nick. I hope life is being as kind as possible to you both.
Much love and best wishes all xx
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Loving the pics Suzanne . Thank you for posting x
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Hi Tina
Went to Harrogate yesterday afternoon. Not there long though, got picked up at 12 & was back home by 5. Bit disappointing thought we would be having lunch/tea out, not to be. Ended up with a microwave ready meal at home. It was a change, but I hate Sundays at home and would have liked to be out for longer. Should not complain really, I sound very ungrateful. It was a bad weekend for me for some reason, I just felt really down.
Glad to hear that you brother has at least heard something from the hospital. Is he going to ring the doctors to find out what it means? Hopefully it will not be bad news.
I can imagine trying to do a jigsaw with Zoe around would be problematic.
Hope you managed a walk yesterday. Do you take Zoe with you when you go for your walks?
Windy here today, more leaf collecting in the garden this afternoon. I started pruning my apple trees, then midway through decided to google apple tree pruning & found should not be doing it until November. So leaving it for now. Think I will need some help with it as I cannot reach some of the branches.
Hope you have a good day Tina.
Lots of love, Alison xx
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Fabulous photos Suzanne. Looks like you had a great time.
Alison xx
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Hi Christine
Hope you are doing ok and not suffering too much. Really miss your posts and photos. Hopefully you will be back with us soon.
Take care. Lots of love, Alison xx
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Hi Alison
I did drop by late last night for a catch up but had to abandon my message as I was so tired and as usual it made little sense! So Iāll start afresh with a clear head!
Iām glad you got to Harrogate over the weekend. Its a shame you didnāt get to stop a little longer and no you definitely arenāt being ungrateful for wanting to do so. Have you felt any better for being out since then? I notice you said you werenāt feeling the best with being down. Weekends can be a bit like that in sone ways canāt they. I had a bit of a moment when I glanced to the kitchen worktop and saw a pair of glasses, they were my brotherās but for some reason when I saw them I thought they made me think of my Husband as they are like his. Totally out of the blue, totally random and unexplainable. The mind can be so pernicious sometimes.
I think my Brother said he was going to get a Drs appointment to discuss these CT results but last night he was looking on his NHS App and found the hospital had informed his GP that they found no cancerous cells in the Biopsies they did so thatās a huge pressure just melted away. It turns out he has chronic moderate gastritis/Duodenitis and something else but these conditions are manageable/treatable so for now, itās a big relief.
I need to get to the shops today so had best get a shift on. Thing is Zoe now expects something every single time I go to the shops and if I go 3 or 4 times a week it certainly adds up in cost! I canāt bear the guilt-face when sheās waiting behind the door though so usually get something!!
No I definitely donāt take Zoe out on my own, Iād be a complete nervous wreck as she is very powerful with being a husky/GSD mix. Sheās just a quarter Husky really but has taken a Husky coat but the woes of a GSD as she has had Hip Dysplasia since 14months old, she is just over 2 right now. She can run like a whippet on open fields but when she is in the house she often sways like she is slightly tipsy. Pets are forever a worry arenāt they.
On that cheery note Iāll get a move on and wish you a good a day as possible. Hope Bev and Mum are all fine too.
Much love xx
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Morning Palou Nick and Neil.
Hope you all are ok and today is kind to us all xx
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Hi Tina
Today and next Tuesday not as difficult as it normally is as I am looking forward to a big cultural day in London ( next Tuesday) as it keeps me in the right frame of mind with Dadās anniversary coming up the following week!
Hope you are OK ( or as good as can be) and that you have the lovely warm weather we have here.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi everyone
Just a reminder for any of us struggling today it is World Mental Health Day so do not feel alone there is always someone to talk to if you need it eg Samaritans, CALM both of which have helped me on bad days
Sending love to you all
Neil x
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Hello all!
I do apologise for not posting for a while. Donāt even know how long itās been. Grief for mam and Porsch is really taking itās toll at the mo. Canāt get through the day without crying and have so little energy that whatever I do I have to then recover with rest / sleep. But I did manage to get out and take pics of the garden yesterday. I did bits of jobs over a period of time (donāt know when). I found it really hard being out there without my Porscha and have given her day bed to my friend and taken my parents bbq to the skip as I donāt get any visitors to make use of it. That was hard because it held so many precious fun memories of happy times when the family would get together. Mam leaving has put a stop to everything I enjoyed doing. Itās not just that she is absent. My whole world has collapsed. All the things I used to enjoy doing with family. I think Porscha leaving has made my grief for mam real again. It had started to fade a little with being busy in the garden, and then I was caring for Porsch. Itās the emptiness, not being able to chat to her, knowing she isnāt here anymore. If she was here and I wasnāt able to contact her I would at least know she was alive and in this world. Iāll have to stop now as Iām in floods of tears again. Iāll just post my pics.
Remade my step with extra bricks from my friend along the doors, raising the height and repurposing another slate paving (my step onto the lawn) to create a better entry into the patio area from the kitchen door.
Rebuilt the wall and repositioned the old sink, yet to be planted up. All the nooks and crannies are good habitat for insects over winter.
Pots are ready to be planted with winter pansies (like last year) but when I did my order they had run out of stock. Tried other places online but still havenāt ordered anything. I repositioned the storage boxes to give a more streamlined appearance. Works well as a raised area for pots. Still hoping for a sea of Autumnal colour.
Potted up ivies to cover the camouflage netting at the fence.
Finished grouting the bird feeding area so it is much cleaner now to sweep up. I still manage to go out each morn and evening to top up the bird feeders. Lovely watching the tiny babies from my window.
Not so lovely finding moulding fat balls in my pots! from the very busy squirrels who love their nuts and sunflower seeds.
Still have some colour from the summer
and have finished planting up the shaded area along the fence (creep side)
and back of pond.
Have a new addition - the old tree at the top of the garden has started coming away at the roots so I dragged it down to the pond. Creates a natural setting and the birds love getting in and under it at the waters edge.
I discovered my new water irises and lillies are growing (thought Iād lost everything planted at the beginning of summer). Have bought a filtration system to clear the water after battling with the ancient one I inherited from dads old pond (drained the pond several times so I gave up!)
Having cut back a lot of dead branches and private over the pergola I was thrilled to see new growth on the honeysuckle. I will train it across the pergola and fence.
Iām really pleased now that the camouflage is up at last. Transforms the space altogether.
When I was working the area behind the pond I removed all the gravel to remake the path up the garden, having destroyed it when I dredged the mud from the pond (should have put a liner down but too impatient, as per). Grouting the edge of the patio helps contain the bird seed too.
Itās really strange looking at the work I have done and not knowing when it happened. Itās been a hard slog getting the rest of the patio grouted, up against it with the weather before Autumn really sets in. But itās finished. Porschaās area where we sat together all summer under the shade of the honeysuckle was the last bit to do.
I gave her day bed frame to my friend and will use the wood to reinforce the raised bed area at the side of house / back gate.
Even though I am dreading xmas I have my pot ready and will cover with hessian, decorate with ribbons for mam and Porsch. I might even get mams xmas snow scene out of the loft but it might be too painful. Havenāt managed it yet. Grief and sadness is so very debilitating. I have thoughts of what I could do but seeing them through is something else entirely. But I will try.
I managed to add more ribbons to Porschaās area
,
decorating the bed frame where I now sit
and added her statue and laminated photo / poem so that she is in her beloved garden. Still havenāt got to the Remembrance Garden. Not sure if I can. But she is now with me, everywhere, always.
Her photo albums in every room make me cry.
In the shrine:
with rainbow kisses
She is in the loo next to me
and the kitchen.
Adding the rainbow braid was tricky! Craft glue stuck to the wallpaper between laminated sheets keeps the whole thing together. Just hope it doesnāt drop off.
My fave prints I gave to my little nephew and will do again for my bedroom so she is sleeping with me. I am so heartbroken that she has died. I know you all know what that feels like. I didnāt think I could be more broken than when mam left. I am amazed at how I keep going, day after day. Everything I do is painful. Everything makes me cry. Everything makes me want to be with them.
I have little pockets of joy, like my baby hedgehog. He enjoys the dog food but also the seeds, nuts and raisins put out for the birds. I have made him a new cosy nest in the green bin stuffed with hay. I know heās been in and out because of the hay strewn about. Hope I can get rid of the old hutch but I donāt want to disturb him. Looks awful! but here it is.
He/she uses the āback entranceā of tangled climbers because it is secluded and free from danger with the foxes.
I noticed how lush and wafty my new lawn is. Can imagine fairies playing there if I had my specs!
The pathway to the back of pond is also fab. Really must get in and do some tidying. The honey bush is doing great there (in full sun).
The nasturtians are still thriving, though not many flowers.
The arch into the top of the lawn has a new tree which curves to capture the sun, which is quite special. If I didnāt post here I wouldnāt be noticing these things.
My fleece flags have certainly taken a battering. Itās either the foxes being naughty or the birds taking them for their nesting. Took ages to thread onto ribbon.
The top pond was full of new ferns / hostas/ heuchera which didnāt survive so I had lots pots to remove from that space. All that work. I just think itās too dark in there and I canāt plant into the soil because of all the tree roots (I have tried and then resorted to pots, which didnāt work either). Might have to use it as a wildlife haven, extending the area of dead twigs and branches from the trellis and bowed fence panel to around the pond itself. The snails are thriving in there and the water is clear. Annoying when so much time, effort and the cost involved results in total failure. I originally chose that spot for the pond because it was secluded under he trees with much needed shade in the summer heat. I rarely sit up there though. Will try again next year with Spring planting.
The creep seems to have retired / been sacked / been up to mischief because he has been at home for about 3 weeks now. Always lurking. I was blasting dance tunes to drown him out. I discovered him watching me at front of house by opening his windows wide when I was cleaning out the old fishtank for my friend. As soon as I closed my front door he closed his windows. He knows where the cameras are and so is trying to find other ways in which to watch me. Obsessed! So this is what I have done:
Built a plastic wall at the hedge so he cannot watch me from inside his house. Looks hideous! (left over panels from my friendās lean to). So he will have to go out to his van on the drive to watch me / spy on me through my windows (as I have caught him doing by bobbing up and down behind the hedge in broad daylight! like a comedy farce. If the council complain about it I will refuse to take it down until they stop him watching me (and how can they possibly do that?) And so the drama continues. His reaction was to play loud music to annoy me. When I didnāt react with my loud music he turned it off. I am so tired of this battle. Hope he has covid so he can recover and get back to work.
I feel so much better for getting back to you all. Looking at my pics has rejuvenated me again to get cracking and finish the left over jobs (cutting back the pergola and big pond overhang, tidying up, pruning etc) before the weather turns. Enjoy the sunshine and warmth before the Beast from the East returns. Meant to have snow for xmas. I always got excited about that because we always had snow up north when I was little, building snowmen and being snow angels in the garden. Dad built us a snowglobe to play in when we were snowed in. Such fun. Hot marmite drinks and wet mittens steaming on the radiator. How I wish I could be little again, with mam forever. I hate this life now. I want it to stop being so hard, just so I can catch my breath and not be drowning in sorrow.
Iā pleased Iāve caught up with you all. I have been reading your posts but Iām too exhausted now to say hello to you all individually like I usually do. I hope you enjoy my pics. Iām seeing the garden with new eyes because I havenāt been immersed in it like I have been. I wish I wasnāt so busy when Porsch was ill. I didnāt know she was dying. I thought she would get better if I changed her food to another brand. Took me 3 weeks to take it all to the pet shop for the rescue centre. Had the bags lined up in the hall until I felt ready. Iāve never been a procrastinator until now. Always tackled things head on, like a bull in a china shop (Taurus). This is the broken me, even though I fight it. Iāve always been told I am ātoo muchā¦not like my sistersā. Mam loved me anyway. Sheād be so upset if she could see how desperately unhappy I am to be without her. I canāt make it better. I canāt change how it is now. Why didnāt she tell me how hard it would be? I could have kept her words inside of me for when I needed them.
I must go. Iām so upset. Just canāt stop reacting. Itās like she has just left. Sometimes the sorrow is for mam, sometimes for Porsch, and then for both. Must calm down for my therapy and Iāve booked a swim after with a quick trip to the skip (one bag of brambles). Hope my cake is delivered in my shopping for tonight. I never used food as a treat but I do now (not all the time). It feels like giving in and having it is never as good as wanting it. I only want mam and my little Porscha back.
Lots of love to you all . Iāve really missed you! xxx
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Hi Neil,
Iāve just posted a big batch of pics I took yesterday. Really struggling after Porsch. There seems to be a reaction period, then battling against that to get through the day (distraction) and then the heavy realisation that this is it now. The pain is all consuming. I didnāt think I could feel any worse after mam but Porsch takes me to a new level. She filled this house, made it home, full of love. And now it is just emptiness. Iām really tired of battling on. Feel really broken. But Iām still going through the motions of therapy, swimming, trip to the skip today. And then Iām hoping my cake will arrive in my shopping when I get back.
I read that you have a ballet booked soon. Iām so pleased you are still enjoying your theatre etc. Autumn is on itās way and the change in light (despite the lovely sunshine we are having) takes itās toll. Closing down the garden for winter and being stuck indoors will be hard but I will still go out there to feed the birds, foxes, my hedgehog. Hope I can start my textiles again. I created work last winter so have lots of finishing to do.
Iām so pleased to be back here again. Iāve missed you all. I know you donāt post so often but it is always lovely to see you. I hope your bad days are bearable and that you have more light days ahead with lots of outings in the run up to xmas.
Must dash now to get ready for therapy. In floods of tears earlier so hope I can calm down and pretend everything is fine when I walk out the door.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina
So glad to hear that your brothers results are nothing sinister, must be a massive weight of your mind & his. And it is treatable, which might make him a bit happier in himself - which could also be a bonus for you.
Just been a bit down these last few days, missing my life. By that I mean the life I used to have and will never have again. Sometimes it just hits you for no particular reason, as I am sure you understand and probably have also felt many times. I do struggle with weekends, that would be the time that we would be together at home or out & about. I agree the mind can be very pernicious sometimes. Very odd how the mind works at times. Also not been eating properly, so felt a bit out of sorts. Eating again now. I sometimes struggle to bother about food for myself nowadays. I need to get my head into gear, which I am trying to do.
Did you manage to get to the shops? Did you buy a treat for Zoe? She sounds like a minx, probably can wind you all around her little/large paw. 
I donāt blame you for not taking her out if she is so powerful, she could probably pull you over. You are right pets are a worry. At some point I would like to get a little dog, not good with big ones. Hopefully something I might do next year after I get some gates on the drive. Got a lot of jobs that I want to do around the house first, new bathroom & kitchen depending on costs. I have a pension due next year, so hopefully that will help.
Mum is fine, not liking these dark nights though. Mum & I are going on holiday on Sunday for a week, mumās treat to me. But I struggle to get excited, I hate flying - but will be fine when I get there. I would much rather go away in the UK, no flying involved. Bev came to see us today, she is going on holiday with her husband tomorrow for a week - which will do them good. Then she sees the oncologist at the end of the month to sort out her radiotherapy treatments.
Not sure if my fuchsia cuttings are doing any good or not, photo attached. Fingers crossed. I am fighting a losing battle in the garden raking leaves up, will keep going until they have finished dropping. Doing a lot of pruning, trying to fill my green bin before I go away. Our green bin collections stop this month until spring, so I try & get as much done as I can before they stop.
I hope you are doing ok Tina & it was lovely to hear from you. Hope you have had a good day.
Lots of love, Alison. xx
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Thank you Neil - really kind of you to think of us.
Love to you too,
Alison xx
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Hi Christine,
It is lovely to hear from you - you were missed very, very much. I love your photos. I am in awe of what you have managed to achieve in your garden, especially considering how fragile & sad you are feeling. Your shrine for Porscha is just lovely, you must be so pleased with it. The photo montages you have made inside the house are adorable. I totally understand about them making you cry. I cannot look at photos of my dad & Rich, just makes me cry remembering what life used to be like.
Sorry that you are still troubled with the creep lurking, Brilliant what you have done to stop him watching you. But you could well do without the drama of it all, life is hard enough without crap like this from neighbours.
You evoked a lovely memory for me with the hot marmite drinks, dad used to take us sledging when it snowed & we always had a flask of hot marmite or bovril for in the car on the way back home. I am going to try & get some marmite & bovril, not had either for years & not even sure if I would still like them. But am going to try it. Just googled marmite on Sainsburyās website & you can even get it with truffle!
Christine the comment that you are too much & not like your sisters is just wrong. You are you, how you are, how you behave is your personality - none of us need to be anything but ourselves. Plus now we are all broken in some way now & that will never change, we just have to try & live with the broken bits - however we manage do that we are still here doing it. I know that sounds a bit muddled, just hard to put into words what I mean - sorry.
I am just trying to keep up with the pruning in my garden & raking up the leaves, need to get my green bin filled up for the weekend. My next door neighbour will put it out for me. We donāt get our green bins emptied after October so try & get as much in as possible. Mum only lives 6 miles away from me, different council, & gets hers emptied all year. Going to cut the grass at the end of the week, hopefully not many more cuts. I am trying to grow fuchsia cuttings for next year, not sure how successful they will but giving it a try.
I hope your therapy was helpful and that you cake has arrived.
My tea tonight is a Sainsburyās shepherds pie, I have not been eating properly so I have resorted to ready meals for a while to try & get myself back on track.
Hopefully hear from you again soon.
Take care & lots of love,
Alison xxx
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Thanks for posting this Neil x
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Hi Alison.
It will a break to get away for you and although you may not get āexcitedā about it the expected way you might feel a bit of anticipation once you get closer to leaving. I hope itās a nice relaxing break for you. I havenāt been out of the UK, with living so close to Blackpool and then having my home there when I was married I didnāt feel the need to really. Iām sure most people I know would find it a bit odd not wanting to go abroad but Iād be terrified of flying! Same with a cruise, If be terrified of sailing!!
I did go to the shops very early on and I knew I shouldnāt have bought Zoe anything but of course I did! Funny you should mention getting dragged along by Zoe as thatās exactly what happened although not by Zoe. Our previous GSD decided to chase after a cat and she pulled me over and dragged me down the path like a scene from Scooby Doo!!
Quite warm in the later part of the afternoon so sawed up some more kindling. Iāll leave the axe work up to him as I can barely pick it up!
The Fuschia cuttings look quite healthy, although Iām no expert as my Hydrangea cuttings have done barely anything but the Fuschias look to have ātakenā quite well. Fingers crossed!!
Hope you are feeling a bit lighter in yourself soon Alison.
Much love xx
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Hiya Christine
Itās great to see you chatting on the Forum again. Youāve been missed.
Been looking at your photos and they are really interesting. Itās not like looking in a garden more like a little hideaway from some far flung country. I canāt stop being amused by the two little flip flops even though I saw them briefly earlier! The ribbons outdoors are really effective, so colourful. I canāt help but wonder if those that have an artistic flair have learnt it or have been born with it. Maybe a mix of the two. My Mum would spend lots of time with my Niece drawing faces etc and maybe some of that has rubbed off on her. it never rubbed off on me when I was younger thatās for sure!
Like Alison was saying the story of the childhood marmite story evoked childhood memories for me too. You should try your hand at writing books as well Christine, you got a knack with creating a visualization and mood.
Iām sorry you have a need to put up those barriers at the front of your house. Itās sad that has to happen. If it gives you peace of mind and privacy though then thatās all that matters. I donāt know what goes on in some peopleās minds these days. Him not working must be an absolute nightmare situation for you.
Well, I hope youāve found a bit of peace from posting today. Iām sure Iām not alone in saying how much enjoyment reading of your endeavors in the garden brings.
Have a good night.
Much love xx
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Hi Tina
Since losing Rich I find it hard to get excited about anything, things are just a distraction. I am becoming more & more hermit like, I feel most comfortable at home, apart from the weekends when the loneliness hits. I know I will enjoy the holiday when I am there, I just hate the flying - it is absolute terror for me, stupidly. I have flown all over the world in the past, but have always hated it & cannot wait to get down onto the ground. Would not mind a cruise, but will probably never go on one now. Mum cannot swim & she is terrified of sailing.
Rich & I planned to travel/holiday around the UK when he retired. We had planned on saving up to buy a mobile home to holiday in, something else which will never happen now.
Your story about your previous GSD & the reference to Scooby Doo did make me smile. Were you hurt? One of my friends bought a puppy last year and it has grown into a monster size, she cannot walk it - it is too strong for her. Her husband has to take it for walks. It even goes to doggy day care when he is at work as she cannot handle it!
Good to hear that you have had more warm weather and managed to get some more kindling sawed up. Very windy here, but not cold. Rain forecast for today though.
The fuchsia cuttings are looking ok, not sure if I should put them in my little garden tidy/lean to while I am away or leave them outside. If they are still alive when I get back I will do some more. As you say fingers crossed.
Hope you have a good day Tina. Take care.
Much love, Alison xx
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