Thanks Neil for posting about mental health. Xx
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Thats OK Tina. Just thought I would share on here and social media as I felt it important to do so x
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Hi Alison.
I just wanted to pop by and wish you a nice break in case I donāt get chance tomorrow. Canāt remember if you said it was Saturday or Sunday when you are off. I hope you are feeling a bit more happy about going. It will be a change of scenery and the opportunity to spend some time with your Mum. Hope it goes well and look forward to hearing what a lovely time you have had, despite everything.
Much love. xx
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Hello Christine
Thought Iād come and say hello and that you have been in my thoughts since you last posted those lovely pictures. Itās understandable that you may not feel up to it again for a while. Just do whatās best for you.
Nothing to chat about really because Iāve done nothing exciting. I tell a lie! I booked my Flu jab after receiving a text today from the surgery. They had lots of spaces tomorrow before I talk myself out of it. To be honest, it does seem a bit pointless as there is no-one to pass it onto now and he isnt bothering to have one.
I hope the follow up appointment went ok and all is well.
Iāll pop back in tomorrow, really tired at the moment. Too tired even for late night internet!
Much love xx
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Hi Tina
Thank you for your message. We go tomorrow, 7am flight - so not much sleep tonight. I will be fine when we get there I am sure. Not a great forecast over there for the week though, raining most days. At least the temperature is a bit better than here.
Having a bit of a stressful time this week, my carbon monoxide detector started going off in the very early hours of Friday. Changed the batteries & it was ok all day yesterday. Again this morning 4am it went off about 5 times, then just stopped. Really stressing me out, not sure if I am being poisoned. So this morning trying to sort someone out to come & look at it for me. Yesterday my electric car window would started going up & down on its own, it was pouring with rain. Then it would not shut, eventually I managed to shut it, but I am not using it now until I get back home after the holiday in case it will not shut again. Feel a bit like I am possessed by a poltergeist & wondering what else will start malfunctioning.
Hope life is being kind to you Tina and that you are managing to do things, cutting up your kindling & getting to the shops.
Take care & will let you know what the holiday was like.
Lots of love, Alison xx
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Greetings all 
Nice to read all the posts and lovely to see your post @christine51 x
@NEILB72 was it this week you were going to the theatre?
Been a long week at work but had a nice afternoon shopping with my friend without her partner hanging around like a bad smell and back up to the Loch today for the first time in a couple of weeks.
It was so cold up at the Loch today despite it being sunny and I came home and had to have some soup to warm up lol x. The red squirrels 
were all playing in the sun and running about up and down the trees and the guests were all so happy watching them it was a pleasure to be there and such the opposite of my actual work which is often stressful and full of rude people 
x
The boss is out of store now for about three weeks so the shop is all mineā¦.hahahaha some staff will not like that one bit x
How has everyone elseās week been?
Hopefully done what you you need to do and not been too overwhelming x
Look forward to hearing from you all 
xx
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Hi Suzanne.
Yes indeed Tuesday will be a cultural day. In the morning attending the Frans Hals ( Laughing Cavalier) exhibition at the National Gallery , lunchtime concert at the Royal Academy of Music. Then coming home to relax , eat dinner , get changed and back to London to see my Royal Ballet friends in Don Quixote.
You mention squirrels- love them although only have grey ones here
Hope you have a good week ahead ( or as I always say ā as good as you canā)
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi everyone. Hope you are all OK ( or as well as can be expected).
Thought I would post some pics of my day in London yesterday.
Went to the National Gallery for the Frans Hals( Laughing Cavalier) exhibition, then a lunchtime Mozart string quartet at the Royal Academy of Music( no pics taken there) and back into London in the evening for a great performance of The Royal Balletās Don Quixote. Did the stage door and met principal dancer Fumi Kaneko who was brilliant in the show . My original cast with some of my friends in was changed due to an injury but neednāt have worried as this cast was great.
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
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Hi Neil
They are brilliant photos.
I had remembered you saying you had a lot lined up for yesterday and was wondering how the day had gone, pretty good by all accounts! Pleased to hear you had a good time.
Thanks for sharing your photos.
Keep well and be careful in these extreme weather conditions!
Much love xx
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Hi Christine
I donāt know if youāll check in but just thought Iād call in to say Hello.
Hope you are escaping all the virus bugs that are going around. Not been well at all with a flu type bug but last couple of days havenāt been so bad.
Havenāt been up to much myself. Despite being under the weather I did manage a belated birthday lunch at a local garden centre before my Nephew goes back to Australia and my Niece goes back to Truro.
I canāt believe I went to a garden centre and didnāt actually buy a plant! They had all the twinkly Christmas displays up and some where absolutely stunning, what a work of art. Some really ornate and decadently themed Christmas stock. I was wondering around in awe of everything and then suddenly remembered the last time Iād been there and that it had been with Mum and it was a bit upsetting but I never said anything.
Hope things are calm with the neighbours for you. I also hope that you are still managing to get to therapy ok and have a swim etc. Thereās not been much scope for walking in the park I imagine in this weather.
Iāll sign off now but hope you are keeping well.
Much love xx
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Hi Alison,
Iām sorry I stopped posting again. I thought I was back but got very upset again remembering sledging and hot marmite drinks. I seem to be forever living in the past, being little when mam was forever. But Iām pleased that it brought back loving memories for you. Iām always on the brink of being very upset. Just canāt switch it off and it seems harder now to climb out of the sadness. If I can concentrate on jobs like getting the garden finished for winter I can delay thinking of mam and Porsch but then when Iām back in the house Iām overwhelmed again.
Iām sure you are on your hols with your mam now. Itās hard to keep track. I hope you are enjoying yourselves. I have so many regrets. Not going away with my parents on holiday is a big one . They would hire cottages to stay in and explore new places by the coast, go up North every year to visit family and return to the places they loved when they were young. My agoraphobia / panic/ claustrophobia has stopped me doing so many things. I would go over to the house and water the garden, take care of post etc, while they were away. I miss going there. I never thought that journey would end. I miss being needed, caring for the old garden, making sure the plants survived while they were away. I kept thinking mam was just on holiday and I was waiting for her coming back. I know that isnāt the case and she will never come back to me. I still canāt understand how she doesnāt exist anymore. And my little Porsch.
I sent an email to the local recue centre about becoming a foster parent to animals (cats and small dogs if they come as a family) but they application form I have to complete needs 2 people to vouch for me and I only have my therapist. How sad is that. And they canāt go outside into the garden. I understand about safeguarding the animal but I assumed it would be easier than it is. Porscha is everywhere with her picture galleries. But it is so upsetting to see her. She was so filled with love. I didnāt know how poorly she was until she was dying. I was always being told by my dad that I am not like my sisters, too much (whatever that means) and so I am always aware now of being inadequate, that there is something wrong with me, that I shouldnāt be me. It seems I was broken before mam. She loved me anyway and without her here I donāt feel loved. I miss being cared for and having the luxury of being a child, even at my age. She always reassured me that it was ok, whatever it was. I wish I had been better while she was here. None of the things I did matter now apart from being with mam. Iām so upset again.
Even though itās ridiculously early Iām very aware of the creep lurking (heard him). Why isnāt he asleep? When Iām sitting watching the birds on a morning with my cuppa at the window he is always making noise exactly where I am sitting. H e obviously has mental issues but it is so annoying. The plastic wall seems to be working. No complaints from the council so far, even though it looks hideous and neighbours must know it is a reaction to his behaviour towards me. Wondering why he isnāt going out to work.
Waiting for the deluge to start. Went swimming yesterday with my niece and will see them on Sunday too. Planning on having a little Halloween thing in the garden with them, toasting marshmallows on the wood burners Iāve never used and doing a little display of gourds and pumpkins like mam always did. I miss her so much. I knew what was happening because she always told me. I miss that she celebrated things, marking occasions in her own way. We used to laugh at the warty gourds. They have become special now.
I hope your fuschia cuttings are safe in your summerhouse. Monty is on tonight, He isnāt on every week like he used to be. I wonder why and if he is ok. Watching him now is sad because it represents mam being well and still doing her garden. Sometimes itās too hard to watch. Iāve been putting lights in the garden (creep side) and have lots of fairy lights now. Colour for joy and celebrating Porschaās life and love. And white for her spiritual self, where we sat under the honeysuckle. Thatās where I will have my xmas tree.
Sometimes the sadness is unbearable and I donāt know how I will ever get through it. Itās a different sadness now. One that can never end. But Iām trying and Iām glad Iām back with you all again. Even if itās only popping in. Will try catching up with everyone.
Enjoy your holiday. Making memories and cherishing time together is what life is about.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
I woke at 5 am, got a drink and couldnāt settle again so started posting with Alison and Iām working through catching up with everyone. Already in floods of tears and the creep is lurking (how can he even hear me?). I have pics of my garden lights to post later (too dark to find anything at the mo) and Iām determined to try posting, however upset I feel. You are such a dear friend to me Tina. Your emails made me realise Iām not alone. Sometimes the sadness is so debilitating that I canāt do anything. Getting the jobs finished in the garden gives no sense of achievement now, like it used to. Itās just filling in time. And when I look at my fairy lights (Blackpool illuminations!) alonside that is the thought that mam and Porsch are not here and never will be again and that is absolutely soul destroying. I canāt understand how they can be here one day and they just gone, never to return. It doesnāt make sense. I still ask mam to come and sit with me, kiss Porsch good night. I just canāt switch it off. The crying came in batches before and I would be immersed in the sadness until it lifted. But now Iām always in it, treading water, always in tears with a random thing on tv, or even just a thought which comes from nowhere. I canāt make sense of their absence. How can they just not be here? I will only be at peace when I am with them both.
I was just saying to Alison about reaching out to the local animal rescue centre for fostering cats / small dogs. I sent an email but the process of applying is a lot harder than I expected. I donāt have 2 character references, just my therapist. My world is so tiny. The creep stole my passport and I donāt get paper utility bills (everything is online via direct debit). It seems the hurdles are just too high for me to get over. And the animals canāt go outside, so they couldnāt enjoy the garden. I envisioned them fiddling about with me like Porsch used to do. Maybe itās not meant to be. But I had hope of filling the house with live again, making it a home rather than an empty vessel. Every time I come home Iām aware that I would shout out to Porsch, āMammyās homeā, and she would come to greet me and weād go straight in the kitchen and garden. I canāt bear it that she isnāt here. The house is so empty.
I still havenāt made an order for winter pansies but I do have a batch of winter plants coming. Getting pots ready and tidying the garden for winter has taken place but I donāt know when or how, just that I did it. The lights do look good but I can only watch them for so long because they remind me of mam and Porsch not being here. I have so much time now because I donāt visit mam and do stuff for her, and donāt have Porsch to care for with her illness. I was always trying to fit everything in before, so stressed because I couldnāt cope on my own, doing it all. I would give everything to be there again. Nothing I do fills that aching space. It sits within me, lurking like the creep.
Iām hoping the rain stays away next weekend for my niece and nephew to come over for a little Halloween celebration. I bought kindling for the wood burners in the garden (never been used) and will be toasting marshmallows and do a display of gourds and pumpkins like mam always did on her garden table. We used to laugh at the warty gourds and now they have become very special to me. I went to Sainsburyās to find them so I can go back nearer the time. Itās a shame the rain is with us all half term. Iām hoping we can get some more swimming in and maybeās a trip to the woods. Seeing them Sunday for swimming.
Iām just waiting for the birds to arrive for their breakfast. I topped everything up last night (in the rain) before the deluge this morning. Itās fun watching the starlings devour the mealy worms and flutter butter treats. They are so pretty but vicious! I saw a beautiful big bird last week. Donāt know what it was. I have a thriving community now, all the babies from the summer coming to feast throughout the day. I can sit with the nets open knowing the fence and trellises are finished and camouflaged to stop the creep watching. Heās been very quiet generally. Not out there with his garden tools. But he has started making noise exactly where I sit, just on the other side of the wall. His obsession is so intense. Canāt imagine what he actually gets out if it as there is no interaction from me. He must have done something really bad to lose his job (presumably) and be virtually housebound. Maybeās heās on one of those ankle tags. The mind boggles trying to make sense of it.
Feeling quite a bit better now that Iām back with you. Sometimes the world ceases to be, like Iām just not part of it and canāt bring myself to reach out again. It seems I have become used to starting the day in floods of tears. Or exist in a vacant space. Living alone allows the mind to wander aimlessly, even if I have jobs lined up. I have more lights to be delivered, wire up and fix along the fence on the new neighbour side. Havenāt seen the lovely woman (Sheila) but Iām sure she will have heard my bad temper in the garden! Jobs are never easy but I get there in the end through sheer determination to get it done if it kills me!
You mention about being arty and whether itās a thing that is learned or just part of oneself. For me, everything I do is an act of expression. The rainbow ribbons for Porscha dance in the breeze, capturing her playful spirit. Itās mesmorising watching but then the sadness descends and I have to walk away. I thought the birds might be put off but they arenāt bothered at all. I have more ribbons for the xmas tree, to add to mams red kisses from last year. Iām wondering about doing a little display of her snow scenes she had displayed every year on the sideboard and inside the front door. They sit in the loft inside boxes with her shaky hand writing and I havenāt been able to even think about them until now. I know she wouldnāt approve of them being outside. Iāll have to see if they will be ok in the snow. Canāt remember f they are plastic. I stored all the xmas decs in my loft during their move. Thereās so many upsetting things waiting for me in boxes. Not sure I can do it now Iām thinking about it. I miss all the special trips to the places we loved in the run up to xmas. Seeing the beautiful displays, all the trinkets for the tree, getting ideas for a new theme. Mam was / is so magical. She made me life full of adventure and excitement. I donāt know how to be me without her. In tears again. Theyāre never far away.
I hope your bro has settled down with all the hospital worry now that he has got his results. Hope heās taking care of himself. Iāve been discharged from the Hematology Dept because the ferritin / iron levels are coming down. Still need to be reduced but going in the right direction. It seems that being on iron tablets after chemo for 10 years (because I was so very fatigued all of the time) has built up in my system and is now leaving slowly. Itās a relief.
Will post my pics after Iāve had a coffee and watched the birds. So see you then.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Sorry to read that you are feeling upset at the moment. To be honest I am dreading next week as its Dads anniversary and am sure I will have one or two bad days to come.
We have our Mums second anniversary coming up soon too . How on earth has that been two years? Itās all about trying to get through those bad days as best we can.
I havenāt been posting that much recently. I think its because time runs away with us.
Please take care.
Sending my love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Suzanne,
Iām still catching up with everyone. Feels like such a long time since I was posting. Been feeling very sad and lost. Really not fun being on the brink of tears the whole time. But having a better day today.
Imagining the squirrels playing is a lovely scene. I enjoy watching my birds and squirrels on a morning while I have my coffee. The starlings are really vicious towards each other and everyone else! They love the flutter butter (peanut butter jars for birds) and the mealy grubs. No one else stands a chance of a treat when they are around. I saw a beautiful big bird last week and donāt know what it was. The body was large, like an owl and very light brown. It didnāt stay long so I couldnāt get a pic. I thought of you at your beautiful Loch. Hope it isnāt flooded today with the weather and that you are ok up in the wilds of Scotland!
I took the plunge and contacted the RSPCA to be a foster parent for cats. Sent off pics of my home and waiting now for a reply. They do the drop off and pick up, vet trips etc so it will work out well with my panic attacks. Feeling quite apprehensive but looking forward to having someone to love again, however long they stay with me. It was Bekiās fostering that gave me the idea. Itās 2 months since Porsch left me and I hope in time I can stop crying and think of her with love. The patio is full of colour for her with the fairy lights. She loved her garden. I find it too upsetting just sitting out there if Iām not busy. I have more garden lights to do for the fence at the top of the garden and have winter plants on order. Didnāt get my winter pansies. Seem to have come to a stop again.
Feeling really exhausted again so Iāll go for now but I will be back again with my pics. Everything is such an effort at the mo but Iām determined to keep popping back. Iāve missed you all!
Lots of love xxx
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@christine51 what kind of people so they need to be to vouch for you? Cause I could of no one better to look after animals however i do fear you would get too attached to them if you were fostering them however if I can help let me know xx
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Yeah the weather up here has been so bad last couple of days and potentially tomorrow that roads have been flooded and there was a wee avalanche not far from the Loch that closed the A9 for a while x
The Loch has been closed yesterday and today and just heard it will be closed again tomorrow so wonāt be back up for 2 weeks now as going away next Sat.
The shop had to close early yesterday cause some of the staff couldnāt get home and it was that bad I had to message the area manager to let her know everyone got home ok lol x (which they did 
)
So far today I have done bugger all except eat and drink coffee lol x
I am sorry to hear you are slipping a little in your thoughts and this weather doesnāt help you in feeling jolly x do you have anything you would like to do/watch that you could look forward to even a little? x. Can you even go out to the garden and look at the stars a little? x
Take it easy and be kind to yourself and hope you perhaps some swimming planned x
Much love 
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Hi Neil,
Thanks for posting the photos and looks like you had a lovely cultural day x It certainly raises the spirits doesnāt it when we have days where we feel almost human? x
What day is it your dadās anniversary? Just so can help support you through the day x
Two years seems crazy and unbelievableā¦ā¦most days I feel I have moved forward and then occasionally it seems like yesterday x dunno if you feel like that at allā¦no right way in the process as everyone moves on at their own pace xx
Any more days of culture coming up? Iām currently watching the Jimmy Saville programme with Steve Coogan and itās not an easy watch especially as Steve Coogan is so good x did you watch it? x
Iām going to do to my pals for tea tonight in between showers lol x
You take care of yourself and chat soon x
Much love xx
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Hi Suzanne
Dads anniversary is on Wed 25th. Eight years for him. Does not seem possible at all.
Looking at booking a few things mainly ballet as there are quite a few things coming up.
Iāve been watching Steve Coogan as Saville. As much as its a difficult watch, it is a tremendous performance. He is going on the West End stage in a few months in Dr Strangelove.
Football weekend playing Aston Villa on Sunday.
That day out put me in a really good place and hopefully I get something booked for the week after next for something to look forward to.
Found out the other day that the Royal Ballet are performing on my birthday in April so hoping I will be spending it there. I share my birthday with one of them too !
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hello Christine.
Itās lovely to see that youāve felt up to popping in and having a chat again. I can understand it wonāt have been easy considering how distressed youāve been but the fact that youāve been able to shows you are feeling a little lighter so that is something positive. Itās amazing what can be done when you get those little āpocketsā of time when you feel a bit stronger.
Itās been quite wild and windy here with some rain but fingers crossed itās not been too bad yet, no known catastrophies or anything on the roads.
Your Halloween plans sound really creative. I hope itās nice enough for you all to enjoy them. A fair few of the houses around here have really gone to town with the decorations in their gardens etc. Halloween hasnt been one of those things that held any interest for me when growing up but Iām amazed at some of the brilliant things on sale these days. It used to be just a witches broom and pointy hats.
Sorry to hear about the Pet situation. Iām a bit confused, is it the RSPCA you were fostering from? There seems to be a lot of conditions attached. What if you went down a different route? I cant remember now but when we were looking for Zoe there was this website and I canāt think what it was called but there were all kinds of pets looking for new homes from new borns to older pets that were looking for new homes for one reason or another, buy they definitely werenāt cheap though in most cases. Gumtree is another, which you maybe dubious about. I would be, but we ended up getting Zoe from a local breeder on there. He was willing to travel miles and miles and then just happened to see them advertised on their just a mile or two away. Gone are the days when youād see ads in papershop windows advertising them free to good homes. I canāt remember what times of year cats produce but donāt give up if you want one. It would be an injustice to deprive yourself of the joy of having a pet in your life.
Sorry to hear about your neighbour. After four weeks my Neighbour has gone back to work and I just feel as if a weight has been lifted. Itās just that āpresenceā isnt it. Obviously yours is much more of a pest than ours. Brother went round the other day to ask if he wouldnt have his TV on so loud at 5am and so far heās been really quiet. Thatās where you are when there is a bloke to deal with stuff, people donāt walk all over you the same. I hope for your sake it is just a temporary situation the creep being at home.
The lights in the garden sound lovely. They can be so cheerful canāt they. Iām really looking forward to seeing them in your photos. Iām like a kid when it comes to fairy lights and glitter etc! I couldnāt be one of those people who have a colour theme of just one or two colours of tree lights, thereād have to be masses of gaudy lights on or itās not a Christmas tree!
Just thinking about what you said about wishing youād gone on more holidays with your Mam. More than likely though theyād have been happy doing their own little thing and I imagine youād have been happy in the knowledge you were helping them do just that. Theyād have appreciated you doing that for them. Itās terrible feeling regret about things isnāt it, just the worst ever but I think itās part of human nature that most people experience through life. Not that it makes those regrets any lighter to carry. It sill doesnt feel real to me what has happened and itās almost like being two people. All we can do i suppose is look after ourselves to get through the bad spells and try to make the most of the better times, even if they are very few and far between. Thatās probably where having a pet would really make a huge difference. I really hope thereās a way you can have one quite soon.
Well I think Iāve rambled on a fair bit, itās almost 12 30 so Iāll just add this reply without checking it over for mistakes as that might take another hour.
Iāll drop by tomorrow, much love. xxx
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Hi Neil,
Great to see you in your pics but a shame you didnāt get to see your pals. What a busy day youāve had. Hope it wasnāt raining. Iām still catching up with everyone so Iām a bit lost off with the days. Iāve been in a really deep pit of grief, crying a lot of the time with anything and nothing setting me off, but Iām starting to feel quite a bit better now. Hope it lasts and I manage to get back on track with my posting again. I miss everyone when Iām not involved. Sometimes the effort to post is just overwhelming and I end up having to sleep. Not sure if itās the seasonal change with the lack of light and early dark evenings. Iāve managed to get out each day, usually in the dark at night, to feed the birds. Itās soothing and fun watching them feasting throughout the day. I can sit now with my curtains open and enjoy watching the garden now that the creep canāt watch me over the fence. I have heard a drone a couple of times and when I went out there it suddenly stopped (a whirring noise). So I only hope that the creep isnāt do that to watch me! I wouldnāt be too surprised.
One thing I have done is to contact the RSPCA with a view to fostering cats while they wait for their forever homes. They are checking out my references (therapist and niece) so Iām hoping they get back to me next week.
Iām hoping to get to the woods with my niece / nephew this coming week with it being half term. Looks like rain most of the time but if we have brollies we should be ok. I love the rain.
I hope you are looking after yourself and eating well. Just watching a health thing and they are saying that walking is great for the brain, to process thoughts, but also stimulates good mental health and well being in older age (sixties). Iām very conscious of making good lifestyle choices now. Just need to get motivated to actually do it. But Iāve been swimming quite a bit in the last few weeks.
I do have pics to post but still havenāt sorted through them to post, but I will. Getting there slowly! Sometimes itās like walking through treacle just trying to get through the day. And when it lifts Iām motivated again. I wired 4 lights today for the garden fence (dilapidated side so hope they stay up!) Just need the rain to stop for a bit so I can fix them up.
Have a swim tomorrow and hope to post my pics when I get back.
Have you been in touch with the Oz lot since they got back? Be nice to keep in touch with them.
Hope to see you tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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