Hi Tina,
I’m feeling so much better today, once I got going again. It’s amazing how the grief can lift. So catching up again with everyone. I hope you are feeling a bit better. I usually take paracetamol to take the edge off, or lower the temperature if you’re hot. I did have a bit of a cold when we got the cold evenings last week? (had to pop the heating to dry the washing) but I’m ok again. Just been in the house most of the time, going to therapy the skip (clearing dead branches in the pergola and over the large pond) and swimming. Seeing it written down makes me realise I have been busy. I haven’t sorted my pics yet but I’m hoping to post them when I get back tomorrow after swimming with my niece/ nephew. I was just saying to Neil about going to the woods if it’s not lashing down. I’m planning on doing a little Halloween thing next weekend. Got the wood bits for the burners to do marshmallows. Haven’t bought them yet as I would just eat them straight away! No willpower when it comes to yummy things. I went to Sainsbury’s to check out the little gourds Mam always had on her display table. So I’ll go back in the week to get them but I can imagine the foxes carrying them off before my party!
I can totally imagine how upsetting that was to see all the lovely xmas displays and remembering your mam. I wouldn’t be able to contain myself! We always went to Van Hagues garden centra in the run up to xmas with the children to look at the fabulous xmas tree displays / themes / trinkets. Mam loved it. She always bought the children a special thing for the tree and then they would always want her things too when they visited and saw the decorations. I have all their decs in the loft. I hope I can get the courage to unpack some boxes and maybe’s do a little display outside under the xmas tree. Tried last year and couldn’t do it. Can’t quite believe it’s nearly xmas again. Such a long year but then it has gone quickly. Time is such a strange creature now.
Sent off my pics of the house for the fostering RSPCA and they are getting references form my therapist and my niece. So I’m hoping I’ll have company for xmas. It’s desperately sad just waiting for the days to end so they are behind me. I always went to my parents for xmas and all the other days in the holiday season. Without mam (and because dad was so vile to me) I’m alone. Dreading it! I’ll try to post some of my own xmas displays I’ve created over the years. I was too upset last year to do it.
Forgot to tell you about the drone. I was telling Neil. I have my curtains open now at the back window so I can watch the birds with my coffee. I’ve heard a loud whirring noise a couple of times now but can’t see through the canopy of tangled branches over the pergola. When I went outside to investigate the noise stopped and there was laughing. It happened when I was in the garden too the other day. I’ve heard lots of chat about me being an artist. I have my Indian wall hangings up in the sitting room. So my suspicious mind wonders if the drone is being used to see into my house because people are so bloody nosy round here. Suspect the creep but could be the hillbilly! He still clatters about whenever he hears me.
I’ll post my pics tomorrow after swimming. Be nice to catch up properly and feel like I’m back in the world again.
You must be missing Alison on her holiday. Hope she’s having a good time and that the rain isn’t as bad as here. I do hope Suzanne is ok. Lots of reports in Scotland of flooding. It has rained hard here but not all of the time or as bad as reported.
Will you miss your nephew and niece now they have returned home? Must have been nice to see them and do the xmas thing together. And you did do very well not buying a plant! I’m still waiting for my ‘winter’ plants. Still haven’t ordered winter pansies (they run out of stock). Might get violas instead. The shops don’t have plug plants now. Tried Tesco and Sainsbury’s. I always ordered in Sept so I’m very behind. Think the warm weather was misleading!
I’ll be relieved to catch up with everyone and feel more in control again. I’m getting there. Look out for my garden pics tomorrow. Can’t even remember what they are and when I took them. But I know I have some.
Oh, I got stung by a wasp after looking for the drone. It was on my neck and I didn’t know. Flicked it off but not sure where it went ion the bedroom. Think I’ll be sleeping on the sofa tonight! Really sore. Hope the sting isn’t still in. Popped some cream on it. I’ll ask my niece to have a look tomorrow. Mam was always my go to whenever anything happened or I needed something doing. She’s missed in so many ways.
See you tomorrow hun
Lots of love xxx
Hello again Neil,
I’m working my way through the posts and saw your post about your dad’s anniversary next week, and then our mam’s (end Nov). I knew it was coming because I mark my diary on a Thursday each week with the week and year, just to keep track. Porsch is on a Wednesday. I still can’t believe it is really true, any of it. I know she isn’t here but I wonder where she is and how she can just not be here. I still ask her to visit me, sit with me, tell me if she is ok and happy wherever she is. I’m still hoping that there is a spiritual realm and we just have to wait to get there ourselves and discover a peaceful happy place where we can be together again. I know I’m feeling better than I have been because I don’t have tears pouring down my face writing this. It’s as if the tears have been switched off for now, until next time. I wish time could dilute the intensity of missing mam but I can’t imagine it ever will. And I’m dreading xmas. But hope to have some cats for company! Fingers crossed.
I’m hoping to get back to my usual postings again after being missing for a little while. Being here keeps me ‘anchored’, even when it’s hard. I really need to make more effort to keep going and not hide away when it gets really tough. So I’ll be here next week for your dad’s special day. Keep posting.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
I can see I posted to you but can’t even remember doing it. I’ve been quite lost and everything seems like a blur. I can’t understand why the grief has been especially dark, unless it’s a delayed reaction after Porsch (it’s 2 months now). Still can’t fathom how mam can just not be here. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I read somewhere that you have also been feeling quite teary. I wonder if the darker nights, shorter days have something to do with it, naturally affecting our moods. I am feeling quite a lot better now. The crying has stopped and I was wiring more lights for the garden fence today. If you want to do that I got mine on Amazon (4 for £20 - not bad but a buggar to wire up!). Looks nice to see the top of the garden shine in the dark with the foliage. Very textural. I know I tried to take pics of the lights and the patio. I’ve really overdone it with the coloured fairy lights but it was to replace the ones mam bought me for my last xmas pressie. I thought they’d stopped working but they are on if I bend the wire and sellotape it in place! So it’s like Blackpool illuminations out there. I think of Tina when I’m watching them. She had mentioned that Porsch would want me to be bathed in light and colour so I did that for Porsch, in memory of her joy and love. I have white for the outdoor xmas tree when I get it.
The RSPCA fostering accepted my therapist and niece as character references. Thank you for offering. I suppose it’s for safeguarding the cats but they do a home visit too. That will be stressful so I’ll get my niece over to be with me. I’ve explained my situation and they’re very supportive in helping whichever way they can to make it an easy process (will drop off, collect, take to vets, bring everything that is needed even though I said that wouldn’t be necessary). I’m looking forward to having love in the house again, for however long it may be. I’m very aware of not getting attached (will try!) and just looking after them until they find their forever homes. Totally not prepared if they are in a real desperate state of neglect. Can’t even look at pics on you tube when they’ve been abandoned etc. Just breaks my heart. I’m hoping I will be caring for someone special over xmas. Be nice to not be totally on my own.
I have been thinking of you with the awful flooding. Hope the Loch creatures are going to be ok. Would the badgers abandon their setts if they started getting flooded out? I always think of the animals with the extreme weathers we are having now.
Glad the staff got home! Imagine being stuck at work until the flooding subsided. Nightmare. Can’t imagine much doggy grooming going on at the mo. I saw the cutest clip of a poodle type dog wearing tiny little booties. A stray cat always attached itself to it on it’s walks and eventually became a house pet. I always laugh at the outfits people put their dogs into. The best is the romper all in ones with the arse cut out for poos! Hilarious. I usually get my sisters dogs new jumpers for xmas, along with new squeaky toys and treats. I haven’t done it since mam.
Planning on a little Halloween get together to toast marshmallows in the wood burners and have picky bits with my niece and little nephew. Will do a collection of gourds in memory of mam and get some pumpkins to carve so they can take them away with them. We always had a turnip up North instead of a pumpkin. Not sure why! A buggar to carve out as quite hard.
Feeling so much better now, especially as I’m nearly caught up with everyone. Hope I’m ok now for a while. And glad to see you haven’t been swept away in your car getting to work. Look out for my pics tomorrow. Must charge my laptop so have to dash.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I really do feel better for reconnecting with you all again. When I’m not up to posting (too emotional / feeling fragile / bursting into tears for no reason / the effort to do anything wiping me out) I feel really lost, like time is passing me by without me being aware of it. Alice in Wonderland’s rabbit hole without any of the intrigue! ‘Pockets’ of time is a good way to describe the ‘good’ bits where feel like I’m present and not being overwhelmed by grief the whole time I’m awake. Not crying at the mo so that is good. I’m sitting at the window now waiting for the birds while I have my coffee. It’s so sunny! The garden looks very green and thriving, full of texture. And Porscha is with me in her pic hanging over the table. I placed her there so I can see her. I still feel so guilty that I put her to sleep and didn’t wait to see if they could have done more for her. I know it was the right decision because she wasn’t eating but I still wonder if I should have waited. And now the tears! I love her so much and can’t bear being without her.
Fostering through the RSPCA sounds pretty straight forward if I am accepted. It’s not far away. They bring the animal to me and everything that is needed (food etc). They check in once a week and do any vet trips that are needed. It was Beki’s fostering with her mam (over 30 years if I remember correctly) that made me think about doing it. Means I can care for the animal without having the stress of vet trips, like having backup. Will be like having mam there again, taking control, knowing what to do. They’re just at the end of the phone. So I care for them until they find a forever home. Could be a mother and kittens (adorable), strays taken in and needing to be tamed (that will be fun!), the injured and neglected (not at all fun and will be heartbreaking I can imagine). They can’t go outside so starting now with winter coming is ideal as I won’t be bobbing about the garden. They’ll be able to watch the birds on big cushions like Porsch used to do. I’m hoping I don’t get too upset when they leave and welcome a new one in. Like Suzanne said, I could find it hard to let go. But I’ll try. Just waiting to hear back from them. They’ve already contacted my niece for a reference and I cc’d my therapist into the email but he already knew what I was hoping to do. It seems strange to me now that I was able to reach out to them when I was feeling so upset. Will be a little daunting at first, finding my feet. But I’ve always had a natural rapport with cats, especially those that aren’t friendly.
Will have to get dressed soon for swimming this after with my niece / nephew. Hoping to go to the woods this week as well with them and then the Halloween thing at the weekend. Hope the rain stays away. Might get them to dress up, though they aren’t as enthusiastic as I am about it. Peeps have already started with the decorations but it’s a shame with the rain this week. Wonder if the burners will still light if we have enough brollys to shelter under! I’m sure whatever we do will be watched by the bloody nosy neighbours. I still find it incredible that they are so intrigued by everything I do.
Since I put the plastic screens up at the front hedge (to stop the creep watching me from his open windows) he has started opening his front door every time he hears me going to the bin. He is that obsessed with what I am doing. And of course now that he can’t be seen by the cameras he is free to do that. He hasn’t been at work for weeks now and is always lurking. I got up for the loo at 5am one morning and heard his door. Definitely mentally unplugged!
You are so right about having a bloke around and people thinking that because I don’t have they can walk all over me. I had been chatting to my friend about his application for a disabled bay and learned that he had no objections to his application. I had about 4. Would have been all the neighbours around me. Oh to be loved! They know I don’t care what they think because I keep hearing the comments. Things have quietened down after I got my MP involved in the whole car / grass parking situation. Never hear him and his very loud gob now. Still rattles about with the garden chairs or starts digging on the other side of the fence when he hears me at the kitchen door. I put a curtain up so I couldn’t be watched. I honestly don’t know what it is about me that winds peeps up so much, especially as I want nothing to do with them. I’d swap your loud tv neighbour for mine any time. I do think there’s a thing in council housing about pushing boundaries, asserting authority, being ‘top dog’. And because I don’t accept it, refusing to play along and ‘fit in’ I’m seen as some kind of a threat to their world. I just want to do my garden and have a peaceful life.
I saw a wonderful thing about a man in America who bought a piece of land and has lived there since the sixties in harmony with plants. He invites people to live there and help him. Here’s a link to Mountain Gardens: (1) Mountain Gardens - YouTube
Such a beautiful way to live. I would love that.
Must dash now to get dressed but I’ll post my pics when I get back. Doesn’t capture the joy really of the lights but you can imagine being here surrounded by light.
I have a swollen lump on my neck from the wasp sting and it’s still itchy… Think it was from checking on the green bin for the hedgehog getting in / out. Still can’t find it. I slept in the bedroom last night because I couldn’t hear it buzzing and assume it has died after stinging me. Can’t remember if it’s bees or wasps who die after their sting. Mam would know.
It’s dazzling sunshine out there and if I’d got up sooner (so exhausted I had a big lie in) I could have fixed my other lights on the hillbilly (as I like to call him) side of the fence. But I’m not Superwoman, however hard I push myself! See you later. So relieved to be back!!!
Lots of love xxx
Debbie, it’s lovely to see you are here. Check in later for my pics xxx
Hello Christine
I’m so glad the RSPCA application is coming together now. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t get attached but if you look at it as if you are preparing them for their new future happiness it might make things a bit easier. Plus in one way you get some companionship and someone to fall back on for a bit of support as well. It will be challenging but it will also be very rewarding I imagine. And if anyone can overcome a challenge, that’s definitely you. I think you have done a good job in coming to the conclusion of looking after these cats.
I saw you’d written very early on and started a reply then, as I usually do, had to break off for one thing or a another. Earlier today I dropped off a Rubik’s cube thing as a little gift for my Nephew as he left today for London. He was going on the Megabus and then over two routes of the underground further out of London before flying to Oz on Wednesday. I’d be having kittens at the very thought of travelling the underground let alone doing it. When I was going to and from my Mum’s to my house 25miles away I’d be jumping from one train platform to another (not literally I must add!!) at all hours of the night, now I’m practically scared of my own shadow and don’t really know where that other “me” is now. Anyway I have gone off on a tangent there somewhat with that story!! I carried onto the Supermarket after that and then came back and did a few chores. It wasn’t a bad day for the weather really and I spent the rest of the day sawing and chopping kindling with the axe. Considering I’m quite heftily built I don’t manage an axe that well!
I was reading in your other post about a “drone?.” Don’t tell me they have got one of those buzzing around. I’m sure people have gone a bit bonkers. They’d hardly get any interesting footage from my garden, I’m hardly Catherine Zeta Jones, more like Olive from that comedy “On the Buses!!”
The guy from next door had his TV on so loud at 6.25am in his bedroom which for a Sunday is a bit of a cheek but not too unreasonable I suppose. The problem is that the internal separating walls are only breeze block and plaster so it’s not well soundproofed. They were built by the Italian prisoners of War when materials were scarce so they weren’t fussy!! I don’t think your neighbours anticipated you standing your ground Christine. You’ve probably taken the wind out of their sails. Good on you for not letting them get away with with stuff. Brother keeps saying he wants a little camper van to take off in every now and then, and I can see the attraction in that.
Well, Alison will be back today from Hols I guess, Debbie has gone today as you know, and Nic is going tomorrow so very popular time for holidays!!
Might buy a hand blender tomorrow as I was talking to Beki about some soup she’s making and she said she uses one. I normally do a chunky veg soup in clear liquid and it doesn’t go down to well with my brother so I might try the blender way. How do you normally do yours Christine? I know you do have a soup maker though.
Anyway I’ll sign off now and hope you hear some very good news tomorrow about the cats. It will give your neighbours something to gossip about mo doubt!
Speak soon and much love xx
Hi Tina,
I fell asleep when I got in from swimming but did enjoy myself. We played tag, being a croc and chasing each other. Hoping to go to the woods tomorrow with them and one of the little dogs (the one I refer to as the lady boy because he is so beautiful!)
Been scrawling through my pics. Not sure when I took them, possibly last week. I’m so lost off with time at the mo. So I have lots to post to update with the garden but here are the lights. Patio is bathed in colour for joy and celebration of Porsch and Mam (and the last xmas pressie mam bought me so colour is the thing to keep going in her honour).
I added white lights for Porscha’s spiritual journey, under the honeysuckle where we sat together all summer.
The xmas tree will go in that corner and I’ll drape the white lights through it.
The ribbons for Porsch are a natural combo for allowing the colour to flow from above down to the patio itself. Reminds me of jelly fish!
The lights at the top orchard, along the fence, create a great stage for the plants to show off their texture in the glow. Still have to fix the other side of the garden.
Photos aren’t great but you get the idea. I had to rejig the electrics boxes as I have so many plugs now with the pond pumps and lights. I watch from the window but not for long. Being on my own isn’t much fun. Looking forward to having the kids over and I do hope the hedgehog makes an appearance. My nephew will find it hard to contain his excitement! When the other two were little they would stay over and stay up feeding the family of hedgehogs. Quite amusing hearing them chomping away on the cat food.
Chatting about the underground brings back memories of shopping and going out in London, commuting up to Old Street when I worked as a mannequin upholsterer. Brings back a lot of good memories. I haven’t been able to get on a tube or any transport for about 20 years. So claustrophobic. I enjoyed travelling. Was always popping up Newcastle for holidays in half term and xmas, partying in Liverpool. There was a sense of freedom and excitement. I understand why everything stopped and my world became so tiny (the stalking) but it’s so annoying that I wasn’t stronger and allowed it all to happen, to affect me to that extent. Manipulation over time is so deceptive. You don’t know the damage it is doing until it’s already done. And so I negotiate my panic attacks each day because of it. I totes agree with you about there being an old ‘me’. She’s still in here but not as feisty as before.
I remember the rubik cube in the eighties when it was the thing to have. I can’t remember if I ever got the whole thing done but was always fiddling about with it. That was a thoughtful gift for your nephew. Hope he enjoyed it on his journey.
The drone was buzzing about when I left the house but I couldn’t see where it was. So bloody annoying knowing they can use it to spy on me. I’m so suspicious but it’s only in response to what I hear as a reaction to what I do. Otherwise it wouldn’t have any impact on me. The creep was out today so I could have had a peaceful time in the garden if I wasn’t swimming. I can’t understand why your neighbour has his tv on at that time of the morn. Don’t think the creep even has a telly. I never hear any noise from him unless it’s deliberate, like with the blasting music. I assume he’s too busy trying to listen to whatever I’m doing. What a sad pathetic creature he is!
I’ve always loved the idea of a little camper van and if I wasn’t on my own I’d certainly think of getting one. We always had caravan hols when I was young, then the massive tent when we were older and then dad got his boat and we also took canal holidays on long boats. I love the freedom of being close to nature, not having tv, no routines of work etc.
Debbies holiday has come round quickly. And I didn’t know Nic was going away. I must have missed her post. It will be nice to have Alison back again. I know I’ve not been posting recently but when she joined it was like she had always been part of our group. Hope Debbie takes lots of pics to share. I’ll try to find some of the Halloween things I’ve done over the years. We always dressed up and had parties.
Good luck with the soup. I get loads of frozen veg, mix them all up equally in big sandwich bags to freeze so I have batches prepared to thaw out when I’m ready. A couple of stock cubes and turmeric make a good sauce for flavour. I got my soup maker on Amazon for about £60. It’s very easy, just like switching on a kettle. A great way of having a healthy bowl of veg each day. Add in lumps of cheese or ham (the thick tinned ham if the key doesn’t break on you!). Heat up in the microwave for 2 mins and it’s ready. I’ve never been able to cook so this is the best thing I have ever managed to do. Makes having naughty things less guilty, like the McD’s today.
Hope I hear about the cats some time this week. Will try to get the lights done in the garden so I don’t have jobs left over when I’m caring for the newby. I do have winter plants arriving (whenever) but they will be able to watch me planting up from the window.
I have lots of pics still to post but I’m so tired I’ll go for now and try to do them tomorrow. Still feels like I’m catching up after being out of action. But I’m amazed at how much gardening I’ve done looking at the pics. Soz, I’m rambling now! See ya tomorrow hun.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
I’m determined to remain motivated and so here are updates of the garden. Must have taken them last week because it was sunny. I’m just waiting now for my winter plants to arrive and I’ll be done with garden jobs for the winter, apart from my lights. Very tired now after going swimming again today but don’t want to fall asleep again. So here they are:
Old dolls house is stuffed with hay for nest building (got covered in it!).
Hedgehog is safely tucked away from foxes in his old hutch / new green bin
Plenty of log piles for hibernating creatures over winter.
I also didn’t clear away cuttings for small insects after watching a featured garden on Monty. Allowing the tiny things to shelter makes for a better natural thriving community. I know the wasps are thriving. My sting is still throbbing!
The top pond has never been a success with planting in the soil for tree roots and in pots. Very dark under the trees. But it should make a sheltered spot for the new shade loving winter plants when they come.
The big pong has eventually got the new filtration system set up (what a job that was!). Water is still muddy but it could be the high waterfall disrupting the mud. As long as good bacteria is introduced I’ll be happy.
I used an offcut of camoflage to hide it so it fades into the background. Really happy with the ivy effect now that the whole fence is covered behind the pond. Makes a great climbing structure too for the honeysuckle / jasmine…
You can see my water irises and lillies have finally taken root ion the mud and starting to thrive (left hand side)
I had to create a walkway at the back so I could get to everything easily and it has worked out well as it’s not visible from the front. Have pots ready to plant up.
Added more branches to the water tray for a natural look and also creates a better platform for the ivy and forget me not pots. Should look good when they flower and produce a cascade of blue.
Hope all my shaded plants thrive and don’t wither away. I try to follow what is required for planting conditions but not always successful. Very annoying but I do keep trying.
Still have some summer colour.
Patio is a lot easier to keep clean now that it has been cleared of excess stuff and grouted.
I’ve been using mams garden chair and footstool in place of Porscha’s iron bed. They’ve been tidied away now for winter (not an easy task getting that chair undone).
My path has been restored going up the garden
and the new wafty grass lawn continues to thrive.
I managed to tie up the overhanging plant (tree? bush? - a bargain from the pound shop years ago!) using a bamboo rail and long tree branches.
Tidied the brambles in the orchard, training them in every direction to cover that area of fencing. Still need to tie them in with plastic ties (so much easier than fiddling about with string).
Look at the glorious sunshine!
View down the garden (I know Tina loves to see different views)
Nasturtians are still going strong. Will get them again and maybe’s add them to the pond area for a splash of colour, though I haven’t had that many flowers in there.
View from the small pond at the top of garden. I fixed the flags too. Think the birds have been pinching the fleece for winter nests.
View from the top pond looking down over the lawn.
Dazzled!
Chopped quite a bit of the low overhang over the large pond / up the path. I was always getting my hair caught! Creates a window of light and sunshine.
Discovered new growth on the honeysuckle at the corner of the pergola / entrance to back of pond.
Hope it covers that section of pergola for extra privacy from above.
Bird feeding section is thriving. I go out every day / night to top up feeders and scatter winter seed mixes. The peanut flutter butters are a favourite with all.
Still have green trees
and fig leaves for a lush pergola canopy.
Still lots of texture to enjoy.
I added ribbons to the old pram as an entrance into the patio area.
Porscha is always with me. Look at the love in that little face! Starting to well up now. I miss her beyond words.
Not sure if I can face going to the Memorial Garden. It was going to be this week. Might still go. Will need to replicate her hanging and statue in the garden.
Off out now to fix a longer extension lead to the electric box and hopefully get some more lights up. If I’m not being watched! Wish me luck!
Lots of love xxx
Hiya Christine
You just know I’m gonna say how envious I am of your sparkly lights! They are fabulous and so atmospheric. I love the way they sparkle and glow over the pergola. There are some gorgeous pictures there.
My Nephew had an horrendous journey to London. He set off on the on the coach at 3pm and only got to London Victoria at 11.35pm due to traffic problems. Then part of his journey was two separate tubes out of London and a half hour walk to his girlfriends house at gone Midnight arriving at her house at 12.45am. If I thought I had to walk through the streets of London in the dead of night I would have just sat there and cried my eyes out! I don’t know which part of London it was but it can’t have been a pleasant experience in the dead of night as he doesn’t know the area that well. Anyway he got there in the end but I was quite worried at the time.
I really hope it stays dry for when your Niece and Nephew come round. I can imagine you are just as excited as they are with all the prep and the decorations. Is your Nephew a lot younger than your Niece? From how you speak I get the impression he’s fairly young, about 10years old perhaps. I’m pleased to read you’ve been having some fun times again, swimming and parks etc.
More or less everything has finished in the garden now. I cut a load of roses back, was quite brutal so astonished how many buds were waiting to burst open in under a week given what time of year it is, the roses I have don’t seem fragrant which is a shame really. They are about 30 years old now! I had some hydrangea cuttings in May and although they didn’t doe off they didn’t grow either above a few inches. I wonder how Alison’s cuttings went on. I don’t watch the gardening shows but I can see you gain a lot of enjoyment from them. I have done in the past. I Just have been doing some basic tidying in the back garden here, nothing remarkable. It’s so much colder now isn’t it for outdoor jobs. I do need to report some things with some free pots I got from the garden centre before it gets totally cold and damp.
I did i tend to write a few more lines but I’m just so tired. Got BT coming this morning between 8am and 1pm doing the changeover to the broadband because the system is outdated worldwide now. Sadly although he is off he has a doctor’s appt so I hope they don’t come then or I’ll have to juggle them and s highly excitable dog at the same time!
Thanks for the tip with the soup. I’ll try that. When I do stews/casseroles in the slow cooker I tend to use tinned potatoes too, they are so versatile those and having some in the house is so handy as potatoes don’t last long do they.
Well I best go and get prepared for them knocking at the door! Thanks again for sharing those pictures. Hope you have a good day as well.
Much love
xx
Hi Christine,
Lovely to hear from you - you were so missed. Love your chatty messages & photos of the jobs you have done in your garden.
I am so sorry you got upset remembering the past. It is so hard when all we have left is our lovely memories and we cannot remember without the hurt that our lives have changed so much. Try not to regret Christine, life is not perfect for any of us and the regrets can consume us. I am not the best person to give advice really, as I cannot bear to remember the life I had with Rich as it hurts too much and I can become overwhelmed with depression when I think too much & think about what I have lost. I still cannot look at photos of him, just crucifies me. So I do understand to some extent how you feel, but much harder for you with your anxieties.
With regards to the rescue centre and the foster parenting - could you not get your niece to be the 2nd person to vouch for you or even your GP? Just an idea.
Sorry to hear that you are still suffering with the creep bothering you. Glad you have not had a complaint from the council to your plastic wall.
My fuchsia cuttings seem to be thriving - yeah. Going to try & take some cuttings from one of my lavender plants. I have a lot to do in the garden, going to be dry today so am going to try & get some jobs done this afternoon. Lots of pruning & tidying up to get on top of. And need to get some pansies for my pots to give me a bit of colour to look at over the miserable months.
We thankfully missed the dreadful weather in the UK. Cannot get warm though since coming back.
Had a lovely holiday, really warm & was in the sea every day. I have attached a couple of photos.
View from my balcony.
Gorgeous little church we went into, we found it on the anniversary of losing my dad earlier this year - so beautiful.
Enjoyed hearing from you again Christine.
Take care & lots of love, Alison xx
Hi Tina
Back in the cold UK now. Just caught up with Christine, lovely to hear from her. Will catch up with other messages & send you a proper message later today.
Got to get on, an early start for me today. Hope you are ok.
Lots of love, Alison xx
Hi Tina,
I thought of you and Blackpool when I was putting the fairy lights up. What a job I had though! Had to drill into the plastic door surround, thread the entire lot of lights through the hole from inside to outside (up a ladder) and then use plastic ties to secure the lights so the birds (especially the pigeons) wouldn’t get tangled in them. Had to repeat the drilling / hole for the fence lights, take the plug off the leads (having set up two extensions and two electric boxes), thread the lead through, replug and then fix the lights and their leads along the fence, using plastic ties again to secure in place. One tricky extension has the pond lights and one fence light so I have to manually change the plugs over (not just switching on in the house). I used to think these jobs were so boring when I was young but I find it intriguing setting up and maintaining the running of the house myself. Need another two fence lights for behind the pond and I have two sensor lights to set up for the back gate area because it’s so very dark there. And then I’m done!
I’m still waiting for my winter plants to arrive. Will have to pot them on like you will do with yours. I ordered a bunch of lost label roses (again!) replacing the dead ones from the summer. Will pop them straight into the soil. Roses love clay so I hope they will take this time. I’m saying ‘pop’ but it’s not an easy task in thick clay. I’ll add it to the sparse area at the side of the lawn where my other roses are to create a rose bed. Monty is creating a rose garden to replace the box hedges he removed because of blight. I do enjoy watching him because mam loved to. She always phoned to remind me to watch it. It’s like a comfy pair of slippers but also sad now because mam is missing it. I’m always so envious of other gardens! I wonder why I bother trying when so many things die on me but then I look at my photos, see what I’ve created from scratch, and that keeps me trying. I love your old roses and wish I’d made more effort when I first moved in to plan ahead getting things established sooner. I seemed to always be so busy. I imagine a perfumed, abundant garden (like my parents’ old garden) but all I really have is a sea of green and textured shapes (which I do love but I want everything I do thrive / survive even). I can’t understand why hydrangeas die on me when they are an ‘easy’ plant to grow. I’ve heard we are having snow this winter so get your pots done soon if you can and put them somewhere sheltered. I still haven’t got my small pots done with winter pansies. Will try again with an online order.
I got a large pumpkin and 3 small white ones in with my shopping for Halloween. Bit early and I hope the foxes haven’t carried them off! Very pleased with myself that I haven’t eaten the large marshmallows (to toast in the wood burners) but then it has only been one night! Didn’t have any skewers so I’ll have to try Sainsbury’s when I pop in for mam’s gourds. I’ll take pics when I set it all up. My therapist had been cutting things back and he gave me some offcuts which make fab witches sticks. Might get a chippy meal in so they have something hot and then all the party sweets for afters. You guessed right. He is 10 and she is 20. Be lovely having them over, especially with all the lights on. I know I do it for myself but it will be nice getting a reaction.
Your poor nephew with that journey! I know travelling now for my swimming, especially in rush hour on the way back from dropping my niece, is gruelling. Makes me appreciate not going out to work and doing that every day. But even when I get in I can’t relax and just enjoy not doing anything after a busy day, however knackered I feel. I have been swimming quite a bit recently and feel better for it. Still need to get the bike chain sorted so I can get out to the park / woods. Hoping they will join me today with the wafty lady boy (he’s so beautiful!) but if not I’ll fix the sensor lights so they are done and not hanging around.
Almost forgot. Here’s my new fence lights on the very kitchen side of the garden:
They aren’t great pics but you get the idea. Makes a great backdrop to the colour of the patio, full of shape and texture. I’m really chuffed with it. I look back at this year and see what I’ve achieved with the fence / trellis completed (took 6 month!) , patio grouted, streamlining the patio, having a good clear out, getting the filter for the pond, and now the lights. I’m looking forward to getting the xmas tree up and decorated. Will be sad but also joyful with the lights and ribbons. Still dreading xmas and I know I’m delaying my reaction to it. Will deal with that when it arrives.
Good luck with the BT and doggy scenario. I can just picture it! I think plenty of treats is what is needed to keep her bribed!
I really do feel so much better now that I’m back.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Alison,
I really am feeling so much better and relieved to be back with you all again. Sometimes the sadness and emptiness is so overpowering that I cannot find a way out of it until it subsides and I get back to being me again. It’s as if the grief lifts quite suddenly and I am able to see outside of myself again. Being busy helps to get through the day . I like to look back on the week and see what I have achieved. I’m really pleased with all my lights!
I’m sorry I wasn’t here to wish you good luck with your holiday and the flying. Your photo’s are fabulous! What a beautiful view from your balcony. Lucky girl! Reminds me of Tenerife. Can’t remember where you went? Hope your mam enjoyed herself too and went in the sea. Love your pics of the church. What a beautiful way to mark your dad’s anniversary. You must be feeling quite rested now. I always got the holiday blues when I got back to work. It was like I’d never been away. Haven’t been away on hols for 30 years but when dad had his boat we spent a lot of time at the marina and taking it out for trips. Really miss being on the water. I always feel calm when I’m swimming, doing the fishtank, fiddling about with the ponds in the garden. I think it’s the association of water and happy times. I was always helping dad work on the boat. You should have seen me in the engine room! Hair piled into a cap, covered in oil, spanner in hand to carry out instruction. I love watching the barge programme on telly (Canal Journeys ?) Like you say, it’s painful remembering my old life before my parents aged and then mam got ill. I didn’t notice when she stopped joining in. It was a gradual thing of her not feeling well enough. Makes me cry just thinking of it because I should have known what was happening. I didn’t pay enough attention. There was always so much going on. I’ll stop going on because I don’t want to spoil your happy vibe.
Glad your fuschias are thriving. We are meant to have snow before xmas so getting jobs done now while you can is a good idea. I’m still waiting for my winter plants to arrive (all different things to give some colour and flower over winter) and have pots ready for them to be repotted. I ordered lost label roses to replace all of the roses which died but will get them in the ground and not in pots like the last lot. Good luck with finding winter pansies. My online order ran out of stock so I tried the shops and they had no plug plants at all. You might get winter violas. I don’t have my shed now and have so little light in the house that I can’t take the pots in when we have frost. Anything that isn’t winter hardy won’t survive in the garden. I couldn’t find anything and so gave up. But you can try J Parkers, You Garden, and Gardening Express. I remember last year was so cold that I kept fleecing the winter pansies on the long table (before I cut it in two) and it reminded me of a coffin and I kept thinking of mam. So I really don’t want to do that again.
You will have read that I’m preparing for my little Halloween do with my niece / nephew at the weekend in the garden. Have bought the kindling to toast the fat marshmallows (still need to get sticks), a large pumpkin to carve (my nephew will probably want to take that away with him!), 3 little white pumpkins (very odd) and some offcut branches from my therapists garden which make very good witchy broomsticks. Can imagine us flying up to the top of the garden on them to toast the marshmallows! I’m sure we’ll have an eager audience but at least it will be in the dark, back lit with the fence lights (very chuffed with myself). Will get to Sainsbury’s for a selection of warty gourds. Mam always had them on her display table for Halloween and we would always laugh at them because they were so odd. How precious they are to me now.
Hoping that my niece / nephew will be free to go to the woods with their beautiful little wafty dog. I always call him the lady boy because he’s so cute. I have treats ready. But if we don’t go I’ll get the wood burners prepared (bit scared of fire so have never used them) and fix the sensor lights (a job that has been waiting for me for months).
Really looking forward to the cats arriving. My therapist has done a character reference and I’ll have to chase my niece as she received their text but hadn’t done it yet. Be lovely caring for and loving cats again, especially being in the house over winter. They aren’t allowed outside so summer will be tricky as I always have the doors and windows open to the garden. Will ask if taking them outside on a lead to mooch about would be ok. I used to do that with my rabbit but he had to be rehomed as he was always trying to get frisky with the cats! He was very happily rehomed with a female rabbit and had babies. Years ago.
You say you can’t get warm after your hols. I’m loving the cooler weather. Nice to wear a long sleeve dress for a change. I see people bundled up in coats and wonder why I’m still hot! The menopause never stopped for me because I can’t take HRT with my breast cancer having been estrogen based and so there is a high risk of getting cancer again. Just have to suffer. Even in deep winter I have hot flushes. It’s like being in a sauna wearing a fur coat! Does nothing for the anxiety and panic attacks!
Hope you enjoyed my garden pics. I’ll try finding pics of old Halloween parties to post. I was a dalek one year. That was when I was able to fit into my nephews costume. Not now!
Glad I’m back with you all again. I’ve missed everyone too.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Just wanted to send you love on your dads anniversary today. I know how hard today will be. But we are all thinking of you and hope you pop in at some point. Here’s some bits for you and your dad.
To love and to be loved is so very special Neil. I know the sadness will never leave you but you have wonderful memories to delve into every time you think of your mam and dad. And they are together now. They’re just waiting for you to join them later on. I hope this doesn’t upset you. x
Lots of love xxx
Dear Neil, thinking of you and sending hugs xx
Hi Christine,
At long last today I have eventually caught up with all the posts on the thread. So now I know what I am talking about, I think. 
I have had a manic few days since getting back home, working at the shop 2 double shifts and an AGM meeting last night. Trying to sell stuff to get some more money in. I have felt like not stopped since getting back home.
The holiday seems like a lifetime ago. We went to Costa del Sol, Nerja. Been going there for over 20 years, first went with mum, dad & Rich 22 years ago. I have a lovely photo of my dad & Rich walking down the Balcon de Europa taken 22 years ago in January. We went to the hotel we stay at now for a coffee & they both loved the hotel, but thought it was too expensive for our budgets, but it is not. The whole place feels very comfortable & safe for both of us, if either mum or I were ill then the other one would be ok walking round alone. Mum does not go in the sea, she cannot swim & hates the water, this is a woman who grew up in Whitby! The little church is just gorgeous and it is not much bigger than a garage believe it or not. We are going back there for Christmas this year, so 8 weeks tomorrow. Need to get some money in for spends, drinks, shopping, etc. Both mum & I hate Christmas without them, so don’t want to stay at home - we always spent Christmas together. Last year we went to Harrogate for 3 days, The Majestic hotel a Hilton Hotel; which was like Fawlty Towers on steroids - the worst hotel we have ever stayed in, filthy, crap food, crap service, the list could go on & on. And it cost nearly as much as going to Spain this year!
How brilliant that your dad had a boat, what fabulous memories for you. I always wanted a boat, to go pottering up & down the Ouse. We used to have a friend who lived on a Dutch barge at the side of the Ouse & he had a little boat that we used to go up & down the river on, past the Archbishop of Yorks Palace up to a pub in the next village that you can moor up at & go for tea & a drink. Happy times a lot of years ago & great memories.
Glad you have sorted your fostering out & got your 2 references, when your niece eventually replies. It will be great for you to have a furry friend or 2/3 to look after. You have so much love to give an animal - it will be perfect for you. Eventually I would like to get a little dog, not ready at the moment. I need to get some gates on my drive, over £1000, so hopefully some time next year when I can afford them.
I love your patio with all the lights - it looks beautiful. & I love the shrine for Porsch. I love sparkly lights, the more the better in my eyes. Mine are all solar, I cannot be trusted with electrics - I am too accident prone. I am going to a local garden centre with mum next week, so might buy some more lights. And hoping they have some pansies, if not it will have to be violas. Looks like my fuchsias are ok, checking on them every day. Need to get on & get some other cuttings - if they thrive it will save me money next year, which is always a bonus. I have still got a bit of colour left in my garden apart from green. Lots of leaves to rake up & last green bin collection next week, so pruning & raking like mad this week when I have the time.
I have to thank you for your really kind words that you posted to Tina in that it feels like I have always been part of your group. I had always read all your posts and when you lost Prosch just had to post a message as I felt so much for you. That was so kind of you. In some way I feel that I know you all after reading the posts and was quite envious of the lovely friendship you all showed to each other. I am not a stalker or a freak - honest. Well some days I do actually feel a bit of a freak, my thoughts & feelings are pretty off the scale in lots of respects. A result of the s…t that I have had to endure in my life. But that’s another story for another day.
You must post some pictures of you pumpkins when you have carved them. My next door neighbour carves them. I love curried pumpkin soup, cannot bear to waste them carving them. We have a Halloween trail in the village & I might walk round it on Sunday afternoon, as the clocks change it will be dark quite early.
I do love the colder weather & love Autumn it is my favourite season, just have felt cold since getting home from Spain. My menopause was not really a big problem as I had to have a hysterectomy years ago. I didn’t have to take HRT, tried it but it didn’t agree with me. But I am also a lot older than you, 61, so sure I am over all that now. Bev starts her radiotherapy the week after next. Fingers crossed it works for her.
Would love to see your old Halloween pictures. Not something we celebrated much. But we loved Bonfire night, that was our favourite. Love fireworks. Rich always took me to the best displays. Now will just sit in my garden & watch them.
Very glad you are back with us & posting your photos, missed you a lot & your photos very much. As I am sure we all did.
Lots of love, Alison xx
@NEILB72 just wanted to pop in and see how today has been for you and hope it hasn’t been too hard on you.
Thinking of you today and happy memories x
Will check in properly after tea x
Take care and much love 
x
@christine51 just to say hi and lovely to hear from you x
Yeah the weather has been rough up here last week and the Loch was closed for three days and imm away to a concert this week so won’t be back up until next Sat but I saw on their Facebook page that the squirrels etc are out and about quite unhurt and replenishing their supply of nuts lol x
I will keep my fingers crossed that the cat fostering get back to you quickly as you will be great 
x
I’ll catch up more after tea but just wanted to say hi 
Hi everyone
Thank you for all of your lovely posts thinking of me on this very difficult day. I’m going to be honest and had a good cry this morning as even though it is 8 years, losing Mum has made it seem I’ve lost Dad all over again.
Trying to focus on something to look forward to ( hopefully another ballet next week- not booked yet) and just to get through the day.
Thank you all once again( Christine I love the verses you shared).
Hope you are having as good a week as possible.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
Hope you are ok. Been a busy few days for me since getting back from Spain. I don’t seem to have stopped until today. Eventually caught up with all the posts.
We had a lovely holiday, but back to reality now. We have booked to go back for Christmas, we go 8 weeks tomorrow. So need to get some money in.
Had a lovely holiday, after I got over the flying. Had lovely weather apart from one day when we had rain showers & wind. Sat on a sunbed that day reading my book, minding my own business. Next thing hit on the head by something metal. A parasol had come out of the base and hit me on my head. I scream, as I had my back to it and wonder what has hit me. Luckily there was a doctor sat near me & came to my aid - checked my head out. No blood, just a big lump. Very embarrassed & just wanted to get back to my room. Lump for 4 days, no ill effects - thankfully. Always happens to me!!!
Still not got my heating sorted, could potentially be poisoned by carbon monoxide. British Gas coming tomorrow afternoon between 12 & 6pm to make sure it is ok. Not meant to be using the heating, but so cold I am past caring & using it. What will be will be. I think it is the carbon monoxide detector & Bev ordered me a new one & no alarm going off.
Did you get a stick blender to make soup? I have a soup maker like Christine. Love it, can make soup in 21 minutes, can highly recommend it. Bought it when Rich was diagnosed & hoped it would help with healthy eating. Now use it for myself to get my veg in to me without thinking about it.
Not much else to report really.
Hope you are managing to have a relatively easy time and that life is treating you kindly. Any bargains bought?
Much love, Alison xx
Hi Christine
Lovely to hear what you have been up to.
Yesterday was a bit of a strange day really. It was my Brother’s 50th birthday and feud between him and my Sister just exploded. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t but I know only to well you understand how soul-destroying it feels. Brother seems to be completely out of control right now. Maybe part of it is the aftermath of with the uncertainty of the Cancer situation. Then I was on the phone again for another two hours to Talk Talk.
I look forward to seeing all these wonderful photos. Your plans sound so amazing and detailed. Have you done anything at the front of the house? I don’t personally make a fuss over Halloween. I think when we were growing up it was a loss less hyped up and with knowing no Children now there’s no reason to get involved. It will be so magical Christine with all the lights you are doing. Reading about you looking forward to seeing their “reaction” really does say it all. I missing doing something to see a “reaction”, to see someone’s expression but I know we all probably feel the same. Make sure you have loads and loads of fun on the day too following all the prep.
Have you ever bought those bottle lights? They are a string of lights on copper wire with a pretend “cork” and you place them in a bottle and the cork has the on/off switch. They are so pretty and effective and so easy to use. You can get them on Amazon. All kinds of colours or just single colours.
I’ve got tons of weeds to get out from between the front paving stones and it seems like only yesterday that I did it. I mustn’t be getting far enough. We used to have a beautiful front and although I try it’s not the same now. The “reaction” factor isn’t there.
I best go and get prepared for this BT engineer. They are phasing out all the old wiring worldwide by 2025 so I can imagine that’s a mammoth task. When they came they decided to trail the wire down the drain pipe and tie it with cable ties instead of fastened to the wall. Its no big deal really but it looks a right “pig’s ear” and so I complained!
How is it going with the cat situation now. Its probably good that you aren’t getting one before Halloween as you won’t have to stress about it escaping. I can imagine the joy your Niece and Nephew will get too when they visit and see new cat/s coming and going!
Good luck today with all the prep and I’ll drop back later. It’s nice to see you back to your chatty self.
Much love xx