So lovely to hear from you and you seem to have been so busy with your various fences…as Christine was asking is that you actually finished with Wickes now? Is that fence complete?
I was costing up a fence for my place…what is up with us and our fences ?…but apparently the cost of wooden fences have gone up like 300% since last year mental!
Had a good chuckle at Zoe and the washing x you’ll be turning in to the new Dog Whisperer lol x
Will be thinking of you all tomorrow and will speak to you tomorrow even if you don’t feel up to replying on that specific day just know we’re here for you and sending you love xx
Hi Nicola
That is perfectly understandable to be feeling that way today. As I said earlier in the week, you have some really good days and think you’re getting there and then bang- a wall of grief hits you out of nowhere. I had that the last couple of days and I think we all get it at different times.
I’ve put my Mothers Day cards up that I saved over the last few years ready for tomorrow and hope that will help me. Also going to the theatre has put me in a good frame of mind as usual, for now at least, but we know how hard tomorrow will be for us all .
Remember we are all here for each other
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Also, FYI I was having a dispute with my fences today. Trying to patch up some holes so anyone in the park behind my house can’t see into my bathroom window! Not that they’d want too… all mine need replacing but yes, so expensive nowadays! xxx
I’m sorry about your disastrous time with your Dad. Looking back at the timings on our posts I think we’d written them at the same time and I missed it. I hadn’t known things had deteriorated. I imagine he’ll be ringing you pretty soon about the internet. Sorting stuff out like that can be an absolute nightmare and he probably won’t have the patience nor understanding of it. It seems very plausible about you being next in line for bearing the brunt of his frustration. It must be in his nature but if he’s not doing the same to your siblings I can truly understand how this would make you feel.
Loved the garden pictures and I’m fascinated with the dolls house. It’s very cute. I have a big dolls house in the family home, modelled off an aunt’s house and made by my Dad when I was young as he was a joiner. Love dolls houses. How big is your garden? It looks quite a fair size.
I couldn’t go to town to get a mother’s Day card and I feel bad about it.
I normally buy my Husband a birthday card each year and maybe somewhere my brain has short circuited into thinking about that for Mum and so was wondering if I could get one tomorrow. If not I can always do a Moonpig. If been stressing all week what kind of flowers to buy fir Churchyard. I didn’t want to get cut flowers in this hot weather and was at a loss so my sister said maybe something from the garden so I have some spring bulb plants I am taking, although don’t know what they are! I haven’t been able to go to Churchyard with the ongoing fencing fiasco so feel a bit anxious. There are still chunks of my mind that isn’t quite processing all of this and I think the distractions are getting a bit counter productive in my case
Yeah, Christine I agree puppies are definitely like toddlers aren’t they. Silence is golden but if you have a puppy then it’s suspicious! Dogs know who their master is don’t they and she’ll do nothing I ask.
I think we are being plagued with our fences aren’t we! I was due to buy some last year and am only in the process now but timber products prices are just going sky high and things are just going to get worse I think.
No I’m still waiting for a fence panel for my own home in Blackpool. The one I was doing today was at my family home. We have wood here so I could just use that. You are right about timber prices. I don’t actually mind making timber stuff, it’s quite therapeutic. I don’t know about “whisperer” my neighbours have probably had enough of me shouting “Zoe” all day !!.
Thinking of you and all tomorrow. x
Hi Nichola,
I’m pleased the girls made the most of their pool in the sunshine. Kids are resilient. It’s when we grow up we lose our strength and I think a sense of purpose when we lose our mams. It’s like the world has turned. We can’t make sense of it and can’t fix it. That overwhelming feeling is like a heavy blanket, hard to shake off. I’m just waiting for the tears to start, especially after the day I’ve had. I keep replaying it in my head to see what I could have done or said or not said differently but apart from not being engaged at all I can’t win. My family must think I’m a very unkind person. I’m not. I was helping him and he doesn’t understand or won’t accept the world in which we live. He doesn’t want things like structure and security to apply to him. I know how incredibly frustrated he is and so I thought that explaining why and how would help. And I’m more upset than angry. Why me?
I wish I’d got mam a bunch of flowers from the garage. It was my only opportunity because we didn’t go out today. My hayfever has started so they’ll have to live outside. But I don’t want them to die. I might print a photo of us instead and add it to the shrine, a favourite from when I was little. I feel so unprepared for tomorrow because I’ve been avoiding thinking about it. And now I’ve run out of time and I’m panicking. Getting very upset. My sister and her kids would always go over with the pressies and cakes and flowers and spend the day. I wish I could remember the details but it’s all a blur. I’m trying to remember and I can’t. Sorry, I was trying to cheer you up!
Much love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Just in floods of tears about not having bought flowers for mam and read your post about your taps off men at the barbie and started laughing. Grief is such a fickle creature.
Yes, transference is about right. He probably does think I’m a smart arse because I’m trying to tell him all about it and he doesn’t want to know. If that was me I’d be thrilled that I could hand it over and get it done. It’s so hard being in his company. I feel so guilty that I said I’d never help him with anything ever again. If he was honest with himself and admit he can’t do something or understand or whatever instead of blaming me for criticising him it wouldn’t have blown up the way it did. Why would anyone do that to their dad? He always has to blame someone.
The neighbour plonking herself down when we were in the garden was very intrusive. Who does that! Inviting yourself to sit with the family you don’t even know. So brazen. And then later we were in the house (not having an arguement at this point) when a carer insisted on coming in the house, constantly ringing the bell and then coming in when I was on the phone to the bank. Dad doesn’t even get any care now. I hate nosy people.
I hope your day is ok tomorrow. Maybe keeping busy will help. I’m just not prepared for it. Like Tina said, it’s just another day and it will pass by.
Lots of love xxx
You are most definitely not an unkind person at all! You seem to me like a wonderful, kind and caring person. Even though you’re suffering you’re still helping others. Unkind people don’t do that.
I only got my mum a card. I didn’t get her flowers. She’d tell me off for wasting money on a card let alone flowers. Don’t beat yourself up over that. Maybe pick a few from your garden tomorrow and add them to your shrine? Much more personal. We didn’t get flowers from a florist for mums funeral. She loved spring flowers. So we went to her neighbours and her garden and picked some and did them ourselves. She’d of loved that more I think. I’ll put some photos of them on in a min.
Do not let your dad bring you down. Please. Keep going with your garden and ignore all the assholes. You are a lively person. Don’t ever forget that.
Hi Tina,
It really doesn’t matter that you haven’t managed to get a card. You could make one. Do a colourful suncatcher. Your mam would love that. Or just do a picture and stick it up, the kind we make at school. I love children’s drawings because they are honest and free. I know I was very upset about not getting my flowers but it is silly because none of it matters. What does matter is that we love them so much and are devastated that we cannot celebrate with them. I’m going to find a favourite pic from being little and print it off to add to the shrine. I’ll post it tomorrow.
The thing with dad is that he is frustrated trying to sort stuff out but when I am blamed for being nasty to him when it’s not true I get so angry and then upset because it’s so unfair. He doesn’t treat my sisters like this. It’s just me. I’ve seen him with them both, seperately. When I asked him what is it about me that is so intolerable to him he said he couldn’t put his finger on it but that I am really hard work. Can you imagine how I feel? I’m so exhausted after today. I just can’t take anymore.
I love the sound of your dolls house at home. I have a very old one that pieces together. I got it in a charity shop years ago. I have it in my bedroom with silk roses climbing over it. I think every woman secretly still enjoys a dolls house from being a little girl. The ones in the garden were from the children when my sister was having a clear out. I had a giant rat living in the pink one for some time. I’d watch him coming and going, feasting with the birds on a fat ball. Rats are very intelligent creatures and make great pets.
My hands are still swollen after all my work in the garden. It is a good size and creating ‘rooms’ makes it appear larger. I’m enjoying the hard work and get a good sleep without tablets.
Just thought, you could make your mam a sun catcher tomorrow, or order the stuff. It doesn’t matter what day it’s actually made on. You’ll be celebrating her whatever you do or don’t do. She won’t mind. She’ll know how upset you will be. We will all be.
Tons of love xxx
Hi again,
Oh that is lovely. Spring bulbs, whatever they are, will bring colour each year. And I agree that having to deal with the fencing has been very stressful and without it you may have been more organised. But then I wasn’t and I’m usually very efficient by nature. Going to the churchyard tomorrow could bring you some peace, even through the tears. I do wish I could visit mam like that. The shrine I built was out of sheer desperation to feel her near me. It is peaceful but I can’t feel her presence while I’m sitting or at all. I wish I could visit her still at the chapel of rest. It is that not wanting to accept what has happened is real. Even doing the garden this week I was wanting to tell mam and show her and then the reality hit me that I never can and that is truly unbearable. I keep forgetting.
And as for Zoe, you might not be her master but I bet you’re her best friend!
Thinking of you tomorrow and will post my pics xxx
Hi Nic,
I just can’t work my family out. It’s like I’m living on a different planet.
I love your thing of flowers from my garden to add to my shrine. Thank you. I will do that. I feel better now! I always feel so guilty over not doing stuff that I think about doing. I’m always trying to balance things in my head. And I love your flowers from the gardens for your mam. She would love that. I’d love that myself. I’m donating my body to medical science so won’t have an actual funeral until they’ve finished carving me up. It’s anatomical studies. Thought I’d give something back because I won’t need my body in the spiritual world, whatever that may be. I do hope it exists and that mam is happy wherever she is and that I meet her whenever I am ready. She’ll have lots to tell me.
I’ll post pics of my shrine tomorrow. I’m really happy with the flowers from the garden. The hyacinths will be perfect. I always did them for her for xmas. She’ll enjoy that, and they are so highly fragranced they’ll fill the house. Looking forward to tomorrow now. I was dreading it. Thank you!
Tons of love xxx
They are lovely. Mam always loved Spring flowers. They give so much joy after winter. And the lace is a delicate touch. Mam had Summer flowers. I wish I’d taken pictures but I was so upset I couldn’t. It’s lovely that you have this to remember the detail.
Whatever you do tomorrow your mam loves you and will be with you xxx
My sister sent me the pictures after we’d done them. She took a couple of them home after the service. I couldn’t bring myself to have any though. Looking forwards to seeing your pictures xxx
?…but apparently the cost of wooden fences have gone up like 300% since last year 
mental!
