Happy Mothers Day to us all. Love to all our precious mams. I loved the idea from Nic of bringing flowers in from the garden but I didn’t want to cut them, and have them die. So I wrapped a big tub of blue hyacinths which mam loves and the colour matches the little egg where she will live with me when dad scatters her ashe’s in her parents grave after Easter. She is in the Buddha garden with me now. We were on hols somewhere when I was little. She was always very glam with her beehive hair and little dress. I wish I could go back and stay there forever with her in that photo. Dad must be taking the photo.
Hi Christine
Happy Mothers Day to us all. Would never have believed a year ago that I would have been on here . Some days it just does not sink in.
Put my cards up that I had kept and watered the flowers. Some of the anniversary flowers are still going over 3 weeks later!
I heard Mum’s voice early this morning. I had just woken and looking at the clock at 5am when I heard her call out my name like she used to if she needed the bathroom during the night. For a moment I thought things were normal again but sadly not.
Obviously it’s probably where I’ve had Mum on my mind so much leading up to today but it seemed as clear as anything.
Found it really hard today so far but trying to keep busy .
Hope everyone is getting through the best they can.
Sending love to all
Neil x
Lovely photos Christine. Love the flowers. It’s perfect.
Neil, maybe she was letting you know she’s with you today. Take some comfort in it. Doesn’t make this all easier though but we are all getting through the day somehow.
Nic xxx
Hi Neil,
Although I’ve managed to do the things for Mothers Day I’m so upset. There’s nothing can fill that gaping hole.
Amazing that your flowers are still going. I believe your mam did call for you. I remember when I felt mams presence and smelt the candle from the chapel of rest after the funeral. She was with me. I even turned around and said mam, is that you?’ and she was gone. I hope she comes today.
This time last year my parents had moved from the old house to where they are now. It’s good because mam needed a lot of care throughout the day because she couldn’t manage. But I wish they were still at the old house. I miss going there. But then dad wouldn’t have been out and about as much the way he is now. He hasn’t phoned after yesterday. That is also very upsetting. Mam would be so annoyed at the whole situation.
I feel very lost, like I don’t know what to do with myself. Avoiding posting on mams tribute site because it’s so very upsetting seeing her smiling at me from the photos. But I can’t avoid it forever.
This is too hard. I can’t bear living without her. I know it’s just another day and it will pass. But it is unbearable. Like when she first left me.
xxx
Hi Nic,
How are you coping today? I was just saying to Neil I feel so lost without my mam. I was avoiding today and now can’t stop crying. I just want to be with her.
xxx
Hi Christine. Having my 2 girls does help a lot. Also had to dog sit this morning for mum and sisters dogs (still call her mums dog) so that was a distraction also. Sundays are crap anyway as normally mum would be here or I’d see her at some point around now if she was just picking her dinner up. I can’t cook a roast dinner anymore or stew. I’ve ordered fish and chips for the girls so it’s not something normal. I’m not very hungry so quick leave it for now. Maybe I’ll have something later. Not really eaten a lot these last 6 weeks. Sundays are also crap cos it was 6 weeks ago on a Sunday that I last spoke to her. Heard her voice. Saw her face. So yes I guess although the distractions it’s been hard. Just faking it until I make it! You’ll get through today. We are all here for you.
Nic xxx
Hi Christine
Trying to avoid social media as much as I can today .
I believe Mum was calling me too. She said that her Mum called her after she passed away too.
I don’t know if I mentioned it when I was phoned to collect the ashes weeks ago a robin appeared under the window and looked me straight in the eye as if to say he was sending Mum home. Since the ashes have been here I havent seen the robin any more.
Mum used to believe in the superstitions about robins and I do too now x
Just hoping to get through the rest of the day now
Thinking of you all
Neil x
Robins are messengers, letting us know our loved ones are safe. They always accompany me around the garden. Still not even dressed yet. Washed hair to fill in some time. Can’t face going out in the garden. Have a plastic storage thing to put together. I’m sure it’s not difficult but can’t think straight. Freezing here so I’ve put the heating on. Might just go back to bed.
Hi Nic,
You’re doing so well after such a short time. But I do think that having to cope with your girls is probably helping you because you have to get up for them.
Mam always got fish if it was chippy meal. I think whatever makes life easier is good.
Just saying to Neil I’m still not dressed and avoiding the sitting room after doing mams flowers etc. Just too upset to do anything.
Oh I have my moments! I had a bath with the kids last night and I just completely broke down. I had a sob in the garden this morning and a few other times today. My head and my heart are not coping but I have to put a face on as I don’t want the kids only remembering mummy crying when they were little. I did enough of it after their dad left and don’t want to damage them. But at the same time I won’t completely hide it either as it’s life and if I show them that nothing upsets me or hurts in life I’m setting them up for a fall for when they go through hard times when they are older as the hurt will hit them harder cos they won’t be expecting it. That’s what I think anyway but everyone is different. You get through today however feels right for you love. This is your process. But we are here with you and for your. Its all shit and hard as hell. Love to you xxx
Hi everyone x
You have all been very much in my mind today and wondering how you all are coping x
Christine - sorry to hear that you’re not having a great day but I am not surprised your hands are swollen as that was a power of work you did yesterday in the garden and look forward to seeing your photos x love the photo of you and your mum. I’m sure I have photos of my mum with similar hair lol x and no one can say you are uncaring…assertive possibly not definitely wouldn’t say uncaring. Those are labels people give others when they no longer tolerate their x keep being who you are and don’t accept their nonsense x
Nic - your flowers are beautiful and sitting on the bench with photo is absolutely lovely and very appropriate for today x yes you have to be strong for your girls but remember to be true to your own feelings as you can’t pour from an empty cup (think that’s the saying) x
Neil - I truly believe you did hear your mum speak to you as I often hear my mum walking along my landing between the bedrooms and it’s not the cat etc and I too heard her speak my name so take comfort in knowing she is still with you and the wee robin will remind you if you ever doubt it x
Tina - hope you are coping ok today and sorry if you’ve already answered this as thinkni may have missed a post or two but was your siblings any help to you today? I’m sure Zoe would have given you good cuddles today x
I’ve been working all day so managed to direct my attention to other things but bought mum a wee cactus that I know she would have loved and had a lot of friends send me loving wishes which actually really touched me x I was actually thinking about my friends and family today and I actually think that I now only have about 4-5 friends who haven’t lost their mums…that actually is a lot of sadness going about x
However proud of us all as we’ve survived today even if we all feel a bit crap and very sad but thank you all for being here with me today and love to us all
Love the cactus. Just went on my Amazon prime for the first time in ages and mum had my log in. She’d been watching Jeremy clarkson on the farm. Upset me a lot. Today has been rough. But we’ve nearly done it. Big hugs and love to you all xxx
Neil. I hope you are OK. It sounds very true as you say, that you heard Mum calling you as you slept and thought it may be because you’d been subconsciously dwelling more in the run up to Mothers Day. Bittersweet I can imagine. I awoke to remember that I had dreamt about Mum when she was unwell. It really knocked me, Mother’s Day morning of all days. It’s also a gift as well because it is never a given we will experience their presence in dreams etc. It’s just alternative way to think about it as a privilege. You got through today so you achieved the very best outcome possible. Keep planning your “happy” visits!
Christine I love the photos. At such an early age you look like a little mischief maker. In a good way of course. Was it a sign of things to come! I feel for you with the disharmony you are experiencing. Today proved the catalyst for my brother’s outrage over our Sister. It’s deep rooted and it’s obviously found it’s way to a weak spot and just flowed over. He’s said I’m going to have to choose. Just to think I used to feel sorry for the Jeremy Kyle families. I never watched but you’d hear the stories. I’d often wonder what goes wrong within families, I don’t now. It’s not just what’s happened to us, it’s just been the trigger. I ended up going into town for a card then “losing” it somehow within 5 minutes. I went back to the shop as I’m thinking she couldn’t have given it to me but I ended up having to buy another. When I came home my neighbour asked how Mum was. I told her what happened and she said she could see she was getting more poorly and that made me very sad as why didn’t I? The signs were there. I try not to be too much of a dampener but everything is too hard and fake and pointless. It’s a struggle and distractions are counter productive. It’s 4.20am and I suppose it’s time this gloom and doom merchant was asleep. Here’s to a more gentle day tomorrow for us all.
Nic - I love the photo frame. I get what you mean about the Amazon Prime thing. I logged on and saw the last things I bought Mum. It is hard. It’s painful when you get taken by surprise isn’t it. I can understand it bothers you having got upset in front of the little ones (I’m thinking they are young) but in a way it’s better than to stifle your feelings and end up feeling emotionally exhausted as a result. Anyone would think I have a clue what I’m talking about but it’s just a rambling thought. Hope Monday is kinder to you.
Hello Suzanne. If you’ve worked today you’ve managed something I couldn’t as Id explode with rage at the prospect of having to deal with people. Even when those people are quite innocently going about their business. I seem to be right up there in the grumpy old woman league. I’ll be getting called Nora Batty from Last of the Summer Wine but I don’t think even she had a malicious bone in her body. I know what you mean though there aren’t many people if any, from those I know from childhood that haven’t lost their parents. It is very sad to think what people are masking when we tend to think everyone is fine and we are not. Hope tomorrow is a calm day for you and we at least did manage to get through today.
Morning Nora Batty…sorry Tina lol x
Just read about your brother and sister situation and sorry you’ve been stuck in the middle but maybe he’ll calm down? As that’s not a nice situation to put you in x
It’s a weird time just now I think I us all and I personally seem to be two steps forward, stall, stumble back and the move forward again…quite exhausting x
And you ask yourself why you didn’t see your mum was deteriorating? Tbh your neighbour probably didn’t either because people seem to say things like this bin throw away comments not realising the actual anxiety it causes…it’s like when you say you’ve not slept and are sleepy and they say crap like ‘yeah you look tired’ even when you don’t…people say crap all the time and majority of time it’s nonsense x so although the neighbour meant well I wouldn’t take too much notice of it so don’t beat yourself up about it x
Anyway better go to work again and wishing you and everyone else a better day than yesterday,
Morning everyone
Hope you all got through yesterday the best you could. Even though I avoided social media yesterday the posts are still on my newsfeed so just scrolled past. Just pleased it’s over. Next one I’m dreading is my birthday in just under two weeks.
Trying myself into job hunting more this week. Really feel that everything is being rushed . I need to get work and more money coming in but at the same time when you’ve been a full time carer for a long time it is very difficult . Also, still need time to grieve as those sad days that we all feel will be around us for a long time yet. Feels like I’m stuck between my old life with Mum and some sort of new reality and still finding it scary thinking about the future.
Really hoping that when I start my counselling with Cruse that it will help .
Wishing you all a good week but if any of us have bad days then we are all here for each other
Best wishes to you all
Neil x
Hi Tina,
As always, so pleased to hear from you. You did well going to the shop for a card, and to go back again is an even greater achievement. I would have given up. I wonder what happened to the first one. Having forced myself to do the flowers (I’ll pop them back to the garden today)and photos and posts I was so upset that I couldn’t post on mams tribute site. As soon as I saw her smiling photo I wished her a Happy Mothers Day and apologised that I was too upset to post and had to leave. It takes me back to when she had just left me and I created the site because it was all I could do for her over xmas. Then I remembered the fight I had with my brother in law to have access and that, combined with the fight with dad (he hasn’t rang) made me question what is it about me that is always at odds with everyone in my family. Mam hated fighting and was always the peacemaker. That photo is one of my favourites because I was happy just being with her, no sibling rivalry (my sister would be too small to fight back!). I wish I could dream of mam. I haven’t at all. But I understand that feeling of why I didn’t see mam getting more frail than I realised she was. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t more of a carer to her but I didn’t know I had to be. The whole thing with dad also plays on my mind because she put up with that behaviour even when she wasn’t well. It didn’t stop him. Your brother wanting you to choose between him and your sister is so unfair, whatever has happened. I really don’t believe families are happy. They just pretend to be for outward appearances. I think also your brother is trying to contain his upset over your mam (because he’s a boy perhaps) and he just couldn’t manage it on Mothers Day. I think it’s easier to be angry than fall apart and show ‘weakness’, a very old fashioned way of viewing emotion.
At least we got through the day. But I feel just as upset this morning. Have to go in the garden to put my plastic storage box together, having attempted it in a rush before I went to dad’s Sat. I feel like I have no energy at all.
Hope you got some sleep at last. You’ll need a nap today if Zoe will let you.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Nice to hear from you and like you I avoided all social media and had a couple of friends message me which I thought was nice that they would think of me x
I understand completely as my birthday is this Wednesday as I am dreading it tbh and my auntie’s birthday would have been tomorrow so this week is just rubbish but I’m still going to go away tomorrow for a couple of days and honour her memory as I know she’s still with me x
Only take a job if the company and position feels right. The amount of interviews I’ve done especially over last 6 months is crazy as believe it or not no one wants to work and if they do they want hours/days that they want. Not asking people to have their life run round a job as always wants to help people have a good work/life balance and although Pets At Home can be a hit/miss company sometimes they actually are really good with supporting mental health etc. They were amazing with me when mum passed and even it was over Xmas they and my boss never once made me feel bad. He still checks in with weekly even though I see him 5 out of 7 days lol x
If you want any tips or that I can maybe help so feel free to ask x
Have you decided what you are going to do on your birthday? Or just take it as it comes?
I do hope you are as lucky with your counselling as I have been as the lady I speak to is amazing and has helped me so much. I, like you, are still fearful of the future and still trying to find my new routine/role but hopefully we can all help each other achieve this x
Take care and hope the next couple of days aren’t too bad for you as I know they can be xx
Hi Suzanne
You were the same as me then - no social media. I got a nice text too to see how I was.
I didn’t know your Birthday was this week . Hope you enjoy your couple of days away. I’ve got a 50th coming up , I think my best mate is organising something so see how it goes but still not looking forward to it at all.
I got myself to Picturehouse this afternoon and saw something a bit arthouse - The Worst Person In The World . It’s Norwegian with subtitles and very good. Have a look at some of the brilliant reviews online. It had a couple of Oscar and Bafta nominations. I like to mix blockbusters with more arty stuff from time to time.
Tomorrow I’m planning on phoning the crematorium about the burial of the ashes and penicilling in a date. That was her wish to be in the same resting place with Dad. My cousin said he will be there with me on the day. Dreading that as well but need to honour Mum’s wishes.
Hope you have a good evening
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
That’s partly why I also wanted to go away as was dreading the thought of either all the pity on my birthday (you and I must be same age as it’s my big one too ) or even worse the thought of a party…tbf that was fear even mum was with me as I’m not a party person lol x
Gonna sound so ignorant but I never thought of the Norwegians making films lol x think the next film I’m seeing if my friend feels better is Morbius at the end of the week. I’m not very adventurous at trying different genres of films…I think I’m being edgy if I watch a western followed by a sci fi film x
Will be thinking of you making that call tomorrow as I remember making that call myself about the ashes and glad your cousin will be with you x
x
x keep being who you are and don’t accept their nonsense 
x
and like you I avoided all social media and had a couple of friends message me which I thought was nice that they would think of me x
) or even worse the thought of a party…tbf that was fear even mum was with me as I’m not a party person lol x
x