The only thing I saw today about the Oscars was the Will Smith thing….amazed they gave him the Oscar after that tbh 
x
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Suzanne,
I hope you have a good couple of days away. Travel safely. Here if you need us.
Nic xx
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Hi Suzanne,
Have a safe journey. You’re prob already on your way. Such a shame it’s raining. Hope weather is better where you are. But then I like the rain. Reminds me of camping holidays and travelling with the wiper blades swooshing and tracing rivers down the window with my finger. Take lots of pics. Enjoy!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne
Hope you have a lovely couple of days away
Speak soon
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine.
Just checking to see how you’re doing? Shame the weather has changed. Hopefully it won’t be horrible for too long. Doesn’t help the mood when the weather is like this.
Nic xxx
Hi Nic,
Still feeling very flat after Sunday but did manage to post for Mothers Day on the tribute site for mam. I’d been avoiding it because it’s so upsetting seeing her smiling in all the photos. But I think I’ll post again with the garden pics to show her how lovely the Spring bulbs are. She loved planting her bulbs and used to help to do baskets and around the pond.
I have more roses coming so will have to see dad at some point after the fight we had. I don’t want to be fighting with him but he hates anyone not agreeing with his way of seeing the world. He has a new broadband box coming that he won’t be able to sort out himself and I’m the only one who can get over there. It’s so exhausting wanting the relationship to be normal when it isn’t. He doesn’t fight like this with my other sisters. He blames me for how he feels and won’t accept that he feels like that about himself, I’m not doing anything to him. I’ll have to wait for the plants and then decide if I contact him to go over.
Yes, it’s very dull and has been raining here but I like the rain and will dash out to do jobs inbetween showers. I managed to get my plastic storage tubs put together (what a job that was) so now have to clear the area under the table and level the patio slab for them to go under. Hoping to clear all the tolls out of the shed into them so I can then take down the shed and hope to use the panels as fencing to stop the creep watching me. I was taking down more branches for my woven wall structure when he was suddenly there in his garden. He makes no noise to alert me so my reaction is to get a fright and dash in the house and watch him until he goes back in. I then can’t go outside again. He does different shifts so I have to work around that for being out. But if I do get a makeshift fence up around the trees on the boundary line I won’t know he’s there and will be able to stay out if I don’t know he’s there. He is such a weirdo and playing mind games. When I went in and locked the door he started drilling (stop, start…) to remind me about what he did with the loft wall. I do loads of diy so I know that wasn’t doing a job. I have heard comments from neighbours about my reaction to him coming home. I close all my blinds and put the locks on and don’t go out again until he is back at work. He’ll be annoyed because he must hear the comments if I can and everyone must know what he has done because I certainly wasn’t quiet when I was shouting about it on the phone when it happened and after. Nothing happened to him. I still have to live next door. If I didn’t have panic attacks I’d have been banging his door down with the police. I did contact them but they didn’t do anything because he hadn’t physically hurt me or threatened me. So I live with this day ion day out while trying to stay positive getting the garden ready for summer. Mam was the only one who believed it was happening, despite the photos to prove it. Sorry to be banging on about it. It’s a bit raw after being surprised yesterday when the creep came home.
Hope you are feeling ok after the upset of Mothers Day. I wonder if mams know the devastation it brings. They must, having lost their mams. I just wish she had prepared me so I had her words to hang onto.
I have my therapy later on today so always feel a bit better with a more positive understanding of things. If I’d known how hard my life was going to be I’d have given up long ago. Doing things gets me through the day but it still doesn’t mean anything. without mam.
Much love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Hope you are finding your feet again after Sunday. I was just posting to Nic about the creep yesterday. Now it’s raining all week I’ll be dashing in and out trying to get the tools from the shed into the plastic storage boxes I put together yesterday. I’m hoping to use the shed panels as fencing along the boundary line so I can’t see the creep and get a fright when he comes into the garden when I’m out there. Most people make some sort of noise. But I think he’s trained himself not to because of the spying on me. He must have done it to others. I said this to the council. A fully grown man does not suddenly become fixated with me and do what he has done (drilling out the loft wall). He still does the drilling noise when I come in from the garden. It’s a regular thing. Some form of intimidation to remind me that he’s been in my house. This has only come up again because of yesterday. It’s so annoying being busy and having to run in the house because he comes in from work.
I know Tues and Wed aren’t your best days but I’m here if you need an ear. I have therapy this afternoon and will be chatting about the fight with dad and how unnecessary it all is. I have more plants being delivered so will have to take them over to him at some point. He also won’t be able to do the new broadband box and I’m the only one who can. He hasn’t phoned yet. I realise that dad and my sister whop is ignoring me are the same. They create a drama and then do not apologise for it. I can’t keep pretending or hoping that this relationship will be any better than it actually is. I cannot be blamed for how he thinks about himself.
I hope Suzanne is well on her way now. It’s a shame about the rain but I’m sure it won’t stop her from enjoying herself. Can’t wait to see the pics.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
Just wanted to say hi and I hope you are starting to settle again after Mothers Day. I just feel very flat, like I’m filling in time again. I’ll still be trying to get jobs done in the garden between showers and hope to use shed panels as fencing on the boundary line between me and the creep. He’ll probably just cut the bushes down knowing I’m trying to keep them by not putting a proper fence up. But at least I won’t know he’s lurking in his garden and get a fright and have to go in like yesterday. I don’t know what’s worse - seeing him or not knowing whether he’s there or not on the other side of the panel. But I’ll try it and see. Ignorance is bliss as they say. I got two plastic storage tubs and put them together yesterday. So the plan is to house the contents of the shed in them. Looking forward to seeing up the garden and planting that area.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Weather not that nice here either, although not raining yet.
That weirdo creep really needs some help. Not normal for a grown man to be doing what he does.
Hope your therapy goes well today and you can let it all about your Dad.
Just phoned the crematorium for some advice on the burial of the ashes . You can book within a week for weekday appointments or three weeks notice for weekends. My cousin will be coming up to be with me when the ashes are buried. I’m still not quite ready yet, hopefully about May time . Mum’s wishes were to be with Dad and I will honour them but also want her here with me a while longer.
Have a good rest of the day and speak soon
Neil x
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Hi Christine,
If you don’t already maybe keep a diary of everything he does and take pictures or videos when you can. Build it all up and then maybe you can report him for harassment and provide the police with all your evidence which surely they’d not ignore? Say how it makes you feel intimidated and like a prisoner in your own home. You absolutely should not have to live like this. It’s not fair at all.
I’m clearing away some of the rubbish in my garden today. So much rubbish has accumulated over the winter months. Hopefully it’ll look a bit better. Don’t know why I’m bothering as my husband (ex) is on about selling the house so he can buy himself one. Lovely for him but I won’t get a mortgage on my own and then council will see it as I’ve made myself homeless so don’t know what to do really. Stressing me out and upsetting me even more than I am already. Have memories of mum here from lockdown days with the kids. And what if all I could get is a flat? Where would I put her bench? Sorry to moan.
I’ve not had the best couple of days. Mondays are hard cos I was going back to that Monday 6 weeks ago and I was crying and losing it on and off all day yesterday. Also today as we’d normally go shopping today. Miss her so much. She was the one I’d talk to about things regarding my ex and everything really. Just feel so alone.
Well done for posting on your mums page. It takes a lot of strength but you did it. I’ve managed to turn mums picture back around so I can see her since Sunday but I just don’t look at it. I can’t yet.
I hope your day is as ok as it can be.
Lots of love to you.
Nic xxx
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Hi Neil,
It’s good that you have the info about booking for the crem but I found going back there to collect mams ashes absolutely devastating, like I was reliving the whole thing. I know your mam wants to be at rest with your dad but did she say if you could keep a little bit of her with you? That’s what I will do when goes up north, to bury mams ashes with her parents grave. I wanted to keep a little tiny bit of her ashes in my little egg in the Buddha garden. But I’m not sure if she should be ‘whole’. Not sure if actually having her ashes would make a difference to how I feel and remember her. It was because I can’t travel up to South Shields to visit her. My other sister lives up there so she will visit with flowers every week and I was going to chat to mam while she was there on her mobile. It would just make me cry and I don’t want to upset my sister. And I’m sure her husband will be with her and I don’t want anything to do with him after he refused to give me access to mams tribute site (he refused to add me so I could title the pics I’d loaded. I had to contact the site directly so I could be added).
May is a nice time of year. Will you be able to visit regularly so you can take flowers etc? It’s lovely that your cousin will go with you on the day. I don’t understand why my family behaves the way they do. You are lucky to have the support you have.
Have to dash to get ready.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Nic,
I listed the creeps behaviour towards me since he moved in and the council believe that he is stalking me. It’s so difficult because he is in his own garden. I have cameras to put back up so I’ll do that but they aren’t great in the dark.
You really need to seek legal advise (try Citizens Advice Bureau and Google internet for other free advice sites). You might qualify for a free solicitor to act on your behalf. But I’m really not sure that a Judge would make you sell the family home when you have small children. If he can already rent a flat himself he isn’t in dire need of selling the house. I’m sure he’s using this as an intimidation tactic in getting what he wants. Have you been to court for maintenance for the children? You should, even if he’s giving you money now, just so he can’t hold that over you. Don’t panic. Don’t engage with him. If he knows this will upset you he’ll continue to use it as a weapon (if he’s that sort of person). If you refuse to sell see where you stand legally. Can he force you? Is he willing to pay the court costs? Most people back down when they know money is involved and a lengthy legal battle. You have the children as priority for staying in the family home. Make this a new project, gathering information. You could try your MP to see where they stand on the issue. They can give you info on laws regarding the children’s acts and homelessness. Are you divorced? That’s another massive issue. Usually assets including the family home are dealt with during proceedings.
Having a good clear out and tidy up in the garden is very therapeautic and great generally for well being. And you’ll be closer to your mam too with her bench. Have you sat on it yet, had a cuppa? It took me ages to venture out into the garden because that was what mam loved to do.
I completely understand your feeling of being alone. Mam was my best friend. I told her what was going on. She understood my anxiety and what it took to get over to visit her. My family doesn’t understand or accept what I deal with every day. That’s why posting here is so important. It gives you a voice and real people who understand exactly what you are feeling and will be there for you whenever you need an ear. We have built real friendships and I know it doesn’t at all replace what we had with our mams or console us but it’s still valuable. It’s real. Everything you did with your mam and now have to do without her reminds you of the emptiness because she isn’t here. It really is soul destroying. Going back on the tribute site just reminds me she has died and I still can’t accept it. I want her here with me. I still want to be with her.
I must go now. I have to get dressed and will have to stop getting upset before I leave the house. I wonder why I try to keep going at all when it’s this hard. But what else would I do. It fills in the time and is one step closer to joining her one day. Keeping her alive with cards and flowers is a both a comfort and soul destroying. I told dad I had a lovely card for mam and he was so puzzled as to where I would send it! I just can’t talk to him. But I will be talking about him to my therapist.
You’ll look at your mam’s picture in time. She’ll be waiting, like she’s never gone. That’s why pictures are so upsetting. The person is happy and enjoying life. You remember the time when it was taken. And all you want to do is go back there and hide from the truth. That’s why I chose a picture of childhood to print off. Being little was my happiest memories in life, carefree, had mam to myself before my sister came along to spoil it!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi all,
Made it here all safe and although the weather is overcast it’s still warmer than Scotland and it’s not raining 
x
Really weird being here without mum physically being here but the dark, oppressive feeling I had when I was down in November with her has gone and so far feels comfortable but will be going to our favourite places tomorrow so will see if that continues x
Signal down here isn’t best so will catch up with you all when I get better WiFi and yes Christine I will have loads of photos lol x
Take care everyone and much love to you all 
image|375x500
Still the best site in the world 
x
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Hoi Suzanne,
Great to hear from you and that you got there ok. Looking forward to all the photos. Its freezing here! Enjoy
Tons of love xxx
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Hello Christine
Hope the gardening went ok for you. Being out in the fresh air helps with sleep I think. It sounds like you have your hands full with all the jobs but nice when you see the results.
I went home yesterday as the Wickes person was coming with my panel. It did come and now they are all in it does look rather good. My brother took me but complained I was taking his time off him so I paid him for his petrol and said he could go home and I’d get the train home later and try to do something with the plants/garden. I decided to make a flat bed of soil and stand all the plants still in their pots on the soil in the hope they will take some of the moisture for their roots when it rains. Pots dry out so quickly don’t they in warmer weather. You have to try all sorts. I wanted to clear the bottom of the garden but I could hear the guy from next door in his garden. He’s OK really, it’s his better half that’s a mix between Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping up Appearances and Mildred from George and Mildred! I’m just always on edge when people are around and if I suspect anyone is in their garden I’ll come indoors until they have gone. It’s the same whichever home I’m at. Don’t know why I’m like that. I’d feel more at home in a tent in a field I think. My brother says I’m “soft”!
I never stopped yesterday but I’ve woken up today with tears. I think it’s a bit like what you said to Neil in that you spend a bit of time in what was once a normal way of life and then it hits you full force.
Sorry you’ve had some up and down times with your Dad. It’s probably a mix of him not knowing where or what his position is in life anymore and he’s lashing out. Unacceptable and unfair to you definitely but might be a bit of that in his behaviour. Maybe he is angry at himself for something but it’s directed at you. Hope he’s better with you the next time he sees you.
Raining today, which you say is quite nice in a way. Hearing the rain is comforting.
Hope you have a good day.
Love xx
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Hello Suzanne.
Hope the birthday and break is going well. Lots of different emotions I imagine.
Like Christine said, looking forward to seeing your lovely photos!
Take care
xx
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Hello Neil
Hope you are doing Ok.
Did I read somewhere it was your birthday as well?
I’ve Scrolled back and can’t see but I’m always getting lost with how the posts appear on screen!
I know sometimes the early part of the week can be difficult so I hope you’ll be having a better 2nd half.
x
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Hello Nic
Hope you are managing at the moment.
Rainy today. I know it bothers some people but if it’s “warm” rain I don’t mind.
Hope you’ve been ok since Mother’s Day.
xx
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Hi Tina
Yes you are right my birthday is coming up soon on 9th April ( my 50th 
).
Not a good day for me yesterday but had a lovely chat with a Cruse volunteer and made me feel a bit better .
Overcast and damp in London this morning.
Hope you have a good day
Best wishes
Neil x
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