I was due to talk to citizens advice the day mum died. I booked the appointment as I was in a weeks holiday from work. Obviously with what happened to mum and the face they were turning off the machines that day I cancelled my app and have not really been able to face it since. I’ve not been back to work yet either as can’t face that. I feel so stuck in life. Like I’ve lost/losing everything and that everything is a big mess. And mums not here. Struggling to do life without her.
I have sat on the bench. I’ve spent the last 2 evenings sat out there until about 8pm. There are some trees in the park behind my house and at dusk a little bat comes out and flies around. Was saying to mum about them not long before she went as I didn’t know they hibernate (duh) and she told me they did . So I sit and wait for them now as make me think of her. Plus one of her funeral songs was bat out of hell. She loved that song.
I don’t know struggling a lot at the moment. With everything.
Going to actually have a wee walk up the Tor today and then will go to Chalice Wells x
Will make the most of the decent weather as they say it’s going to snow tomorrow lol x
Sorry to read that you’re struggling a bit this week but I love the bat who visits you especially after you saying about Meat Loaf at the funeral…definitely a sign x
Going to go spend money I don’t have and will catch up with you all later but hope today is a lighter day for you Nic xx
Hi Tina,
I’m so pleased that your fencing is finally finished! You can start making plans now with the garden. Next time you go take the bottoms off the pots so they sit on the soil and soak them and the soil bed. The roots will eventually grow into the soil. I know it’s hard work but better that than taking out of the pots and planting in the bed or losing all the plants.
It’s a real shame your brother isn’t wanting to help you. I would have done the same as you, sent him away with petrol money. But you are finding your independence in getting the train back on your own.
You did make me smile chatting about Hyacinth (reminds me of my auntie) and Mildred (wasn’t so keen on that one). The thing with neighbours is they are very nosy and gossip because they have so little going on in their lives (from my experience). Why would you want to join in that? You have so much going on inside your head that just to be out there is a challenge. You don’t have the energy to waste in pretending everything’s fine when it isn’t. I do the same. I would love to live on an island with no neighbours. I simply don’t like the people I’m forced to live beside.
I’m very very exhausted today and irritated. Porscha has weed over her tray onto the floor and flung litter everywhere. I don’t know why she does it. Then she was sick on the old crochet blanket which I now have to wash. I bought wool to repair it. I helped mam make it when I was little and it’s falling apart. It was a favourite camping blanket. So that’s a huge job to do as well. I have to water all the pots before the creep gets back from work (didn’t hear him go out so can’t gauge when he’s back). It’s forecast rain but they still need doing. It’s really chilly here. I’m sure I have that sad (seasonal affective disorder) where the lack of sunshine has a huge impact on my mood.
Still haven’t heard from dad. He doesn’t care how much this upsets me. He’ll have his new broadband router coming and won’t know what to do with it. Also I have plants on the way to take over so will have to at some point. I don’t know why being around him is so difficult. Why he thinks I would create drama when he’s the only person I see makes no sense. He just cannot control his anger about things.
Still not even dressed. Having to really force myself to do anything today.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nic,
I was just posting to Tina about how flat and irritable I am today. I think after Mothers Day and Dad I’m worn out. Planning on watering the potted plants and hanging baskets today. Sounds a small job but I’m dreading going out there. Not even dressed. Really having to force myself to not just sit and do nothing.
I love that you are sitting on your mams bench watching the little bat. I love watching the squirrels and birds. You will feel close to your mam and I hope it is comforting. I’m sure it will be in time. I know it’s turned really chilly but we have the best of the year to come with winter behind us. You’ll be able to sit out longer and it can be your time with your mam. When I’m in the garden I do mam’s puzzle books and it’s like having her with me. I smile at her wobbly writing.
With regards to the house situation I think wait until he actually threatens to go to court and then challenge him that you’ll see him there. I’m sure he’ll back down. You are only a short time into this awful journey we are all on. If you have a good day you could start finding info. It’s the starting it that is hardest. If you phoned Citizens Advice Bureau and explained your situation with your mam they could do a telephone consultation. I know it seems a huge task but to have the info would put your mind at rest instead of worrying. You have the upper hand.
My mam loved Bat out of Hell. I find listening to music impossible now. It just makes me too sad. I was watching a film and it had her song on there and I burst out crying. I remember being little and it playing in the background.
Never be sorry for posting how you are feeling. That is the point! We all do it. We all feel it. And if we have a good day we’re winning. But we can so easily get knocked down again. That’s the nature of grief. We didn’t know about it until now.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
How didn’t I know it was your birthday? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU XXX
Be careful you don’t fall off the top of the Tor! I hated geography trips climbing up things. Not my cup of tea, though I do look at ramblers on tv and wonder if I’m missing out on something. I’m so lazy!
Don’t believe it’s going to snow just because I don’t want it to. Means I’ll have to bring my seed trays in and that’s such a faff on windowsills.
Hope you’re enjoying your trip. Lovely birthday treat to yourself. I’m imagining you in a little old fashioned tea room with a scone and cuppa looking out for that wizard. Mam would have loved that.
Enjoy the rest of your day. We’re all thinking of you with love xxx
Hi Neil,
Can’t believe I didn’t know it was Suzanne’s birthday! I’m really not on the ball today. Still not dressed. Finding it hard to get going.
Just wanted to say hi and hope you have a productive day. Any more trips to the garage? It’s really freezing here and when I’m dressed (after doing the litter tray and the cat sick blanket!) I’ll water all the pots outside, even if it is raining.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Yes just been clearing out some more stuff in the garage. Came across my old vinyl singles .Brings back some memories. Nearly cleared it completely now.
Always a sad day Wednesday. Been thinking of Mum a lot this morning and thinking back to the life we had .
As I said before I can have a few good days then I hit a wall of sadness . I think we can all relate to that.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
You’ve done well clearing that much and finding your old vinyl is a bonus. I don’t know what happened to all mine. Probably in cash converters.
My plan was to clear the shed into the plastic tubs but I’m not doing great today. Started crying cleaning my teeth. I miss the old stories mam would chat about. I’d heard them all so many times. I would give anything to hear them now. I wish I’d written them down. I can’t remember them. I’m missing mam so much. It’s like it’s just happened. I just can’t stop crying for her. It’s like the whole family has disintegrated when she left. Dad fights and blames me. My sister and her kids ignore me. My other sister up north doesn’t reply to my texts or phone when she said she would. In feel completely alone without mam. She held everyone together. I just want her to be here. I miss her so very much.
xxx
Somehow things will sort but just not in the right headspace to deal with all right now. Even someone as insensitive as him must know that but some people just don’t care about others feelings. Such is life.
I can’t listen to music much at the moment. So many songs that bring back memories. Mum had an eclectic taste and she liked all sorts of music so even listening to heart radio or something would trigger me off. I used to have it on on a Sunday and the top 40 would be playing while we were having dinner so can’t even listen to that. Not that I like much of the music they played but was background noise.
Feeling veer flat and low today. It’s quite sunny here now but it’s not really lifting my mood.
Hi everyone
Thank you for the amazing birthday wishes…means more than you can probably imagine xx
The weather has been nice and sunny and hasn’t been as cold as up in Scotland where it’s apparently been snowing this morning lol x
Haha Christine I had a bit Victoria sponge instead of a scone but otherwise pretty spot on lol x
Had a wee wobble in Chalice Wells as she had her spot where she always sat to wait on me and when I came back to the spot there was a stranger sitting there however I reminded myself that mum would always be sitting on the bench cause she’s with me at all times x
Otherwise it’s been a fantastic day and have largely felt at peace being here x
I’m sorry to hear that we’re all not doing do great over the last couple of days but as long as we have each other we’ll come out the other end however long that takes
I’ll post a couple of photos from the last couple of days but won’t bore you with too many lol x
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