I was getting worried that you hadn’t posted for a while and I am sorry to hear that you really have been having a bad time of it x
Have you managed to speak to your therapist at all lately? Not that they can wave a magic wand and make it all better but you seem to benefit from talking to them.
I understand completely where you are coming from when you say that you can’t stand the thought of another 20 odd years without her. The thought of her not being here is just too much x
As Tina said though the brighter side is that you seem to be doing more crafts which is fantastic and love the wee memories.
I am pleased that you have some people with hopefully some influence that can put some pressure on the Housing Association because it doesn’t appear that they’ve ever heard of compassion. They should be ashamed of themselves putting you under all this pressure on top of everything else you’re having to deal with.
Hope you had a nice chat with your best friend and your night has been more settled.
I’m going to therapy tomorrow. It is like waiting. If I concentrate on my sewing then I have pockets of time where I’m not emotional, robotic. But most of my time has been crying. I thought I was moving forward a bit. But I’m not. I’m just sitting waiting for my mam and I know she will never turn up and I can’t go to her. I don’t know what the point is in doing anything. Does the Samaritans help you? I hate that I thought mam would always be there and didn’t see the reality. But she didn’t act like she was old. Why couldn’t I see how she really was? I love her so much. How does anyone get over this? When I’ve asked my sisters and dad if mam knew how much I loved her they just get angry with me and I can’t pretend I’m ok so I just can’t talk to them. I sit in my house and don’t speak to anyone. Mam made my isolation bearable when I wasn’t with her. I’m so exhausted with wanting to be with her.
You said about my childhood and being a tomboy. I’d roam around the garden collecting things in jam jars (I’d always let them go), making mud pies and perfume with fermented rose petals and mam would wear the perfume. I can still smell it now. I had a camp in the bushes of the neighbours garden (two brothers) and we kitted it out with carpet and cushions and blankets in the summer hols. I really miss the happiness of being a child, feeling like the summer would last forever. My sister’s boy is young and gets so bored unless he’s on his games thing. He’s very clever but doesn’t ‘play’. Mam made my childhood magical. She believed in fairies. I’d look for them with my sister. How can it all end? I don’t know when it stopped. Sorry, I’m somewhere between desperation and sadness. I didn’t imagine I could feel this lost. Why didn’t mam talk to me, tell me how it would be? She must have known that I’d not be able to cope without her. It’s not even helping posting on here now because I have to be careful what I say. I didn’t think I could feel worse than I did before but I do. I’m sorry I’m not much help to you and how you’re feeling. Take care x
Hi Suzanne, You’ll see from my post to Tina that I’m just feeling really lost without my mam. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me what it would be like without her. Do you think she is safe and happy where she is? I hope my buddha is looking after her. She got used to going in and out of hospital herself with her angina and because I couldn’t go with her and we knew she’d always come back I didn’t go over (its a 30-40 minute drive). She’d arrive back through the night by taxi and dad was there but I feel so guilty that I didn’t go just to be there when she got back. It was during covid. Why didn’t anyone tell me her time was running out? I get so anxious about it I can’t breathe. Why was I not more aware of how precious my time with her was? I’d give everything I have to go back and make up for every time I didn’t go. I was so stressed about leaving my house incase my neighbour got in through the ceiling hatch from the loft. I felt so trapped. Mam understood but I could have been with her more than I was. The cancer was so sudden. She went into hospital again like she often did but didn’t come out this time. I didn’t even realise the significance of the vicar being with her. What is wrong with me? There must be something wrong because my sisters and dad knew what was happening. It’s like a dream, like it wasn’t real. If I could go back knowing now I would be perfect and say everything that I want to say now. It’s like I was numb. I couldn’t think. I kept having panic attacks because I’m scared of hospitals. That was why mam said not to go with her. I feel so guilty that I should have been better, more like my sisters. They aren’t talking to me now, haven’t answered my texts. It took me weeks to be able to get in touch because they don’t want to see the state I’m in. I’m not able to pretend that I’m ok. I can’t chitchat. I’m devastated and not able to function. I thought that doing stuff would mean something but it doesn’t. Nothing does now. Sorry, I’m just missing her so much it’s unbearable.
Hi all. Had a pretty bad morning ( lost Mum 10 weeks ago today) but actually have a face to face GP appointment this afternoon about my anxiety. Hope to get some more help in getting one to one bereavement support which I need.
Worst time for me are weekdays. Best are evenings and weekends.
Good luck Neil. If you can talk openly with your GP it will help you. Mine are awful. I’ve had an awful week so you are not alone. I’m off to my therapy now. Whatever help I get doesn’t last long. An objective point of view or understanding the process doesn’t dilute the intensity of grief, the longing for my mam to be here. x
Sorry to read you’ve had a bad week Christine. I’m up and down and never know what to expect one day to the next. The slightest little thing starting me off today. Hope your therapy goes well this afternoon and you can start finding days getting better x
Hope the therapy goes ok. I understand it doesn’t take long to feel bad again but it takes away some of the pressure and you feel lighter for a bit at least. I’m not a great talker though so although I’ve rung Samaritan’s in the past I prefer to email. Its all luck of course as they are different volunteers each time. I don’t know how you manage to drive whilst being so anxious but I’m guessing it’s second nature in a way. I had started driving lessons before lockdown but don’t think I can manage it again. Hope you are in a better place emotionally when you get home Christine. I really relate to the things you’ve said in your post x.
Hope all goes well with your therapist today. You say the respite is short lived but even if it gives you 5 minutes of peace then I hope you can enjoy it.
Sorry to hear you’re having a not so good day and hoping your GP appointment gives some help.
I just woke up this morning and the only word I can describe the feeling as is ‘funky’. Had a decent sleep but woke up like a ball of anxiety and funky…I know that probably makes no sense but it wasn’t sad or empty but it was both of those…all encompassing…as I say that probably makes no sense. Been missing my mum so much over last couple of days but aren’t we all here x
Anyway I hope you manage to get some help for your anxiety and if any of us have any ideas/techniques on how to cope with it I would love to hear it.
Hi Suzanne. Yes I have those funky days a lot !
Had a productive GP appt. Never seen this doctor before but she was very good. She was concerned about my housing situation and had a letter done highlighting my anxiety issues , so I can use that in my case with the Housing Association.
Hope you have a peaceful evening
Best wishes
Neil x
I know she has died and that she had cancer and we all have to die but I still don’t understand how she’s not here. I just can’t wrapped my head around never seeing her or being able to talk to her ever again forever. Never being able to tell her I love her, that I do so deeply that I can’t express how much. To know that she knew I loved her means everything to me. I just can’t get past it. I was so upset in therapy. I know I have to get on with things but I was saying it’s empty pockets of time. Am I going to be like this forever? I can’t bear the pain. I did more sewing when I got back, sitting with the candles and fairy lights on but I didn’t feel mam at all. She isn’t there and she never will be. And I know her ashes aren’t ‘her’. I just need to know that she is happy or alright where she is. This is torture. I can’t even stay on the tribute site to say hello to her and post a candle and message. I’d got an email saying the collection money had been paid in (only because I told dad it still hadn’t been done and he was going to find out why). I thought it would have been more. We said to make a donation rather than give flowers at the services. Don’t know why it took 2 months to make a simple online transaction for those who contributed. Reminds me of how distressing the whole thing was but at least I went and mam would have been amazed. I did it for mam. I couldn’t not do it. It feels like she’s died again. I would give everything I have and everything I am just to save her and take her place. I’m back to begging for her to never have died. x
Sorry to hear you were distressed in therapy. It must have made you feel vulnerable but you could say it was an opportunity to release some of all that emotion in a safe way with someone there to listen. You did more than I’d be able to manage if I’d have been you by coming home and sewing. I’d have collapsed in bed in tears. Maybe you just weren’t relaxed enough to feel your Mum around you at home if you’d had a traumatic time in your therapy session. I know you’d swap places with your Mam in an instant. You can see what an amazing and caring relationship you had. That’s never guaranteed in life, it’s a gift and a privilege I think, and its obvious from what you write that you both had that gift. My Mum had Alzheimer’s and I’d previously lost my Husband so neither of us were the same people any more in the last five years of her life. That saddens me immensely. I don’t know how to get back from this, or get past it. I’m no-one without my Mum and to be honest I just feel haunted and hollow. I can’t function and feel as though a “full stop” has been placed at the end of my life. I’m sorry for sounding so morbid, I am aware I can be a draining person. Sorry I didn’t understand what you mean about not being able to go on the tribute site, is it just for a short period of time after the service? I remember you being distressed about going at the time. But like you say, you did it. and I can imagine that brings you a lot of peace. My Mum is still “somewhere”, I don’t know where (other than the obvious,) but it’s like she’s coming back at some point. Are you the oldest daughter Christine, I am the oldest. I made a promise to Mum I’d look after us but the way my Brother and I are disagreeing maybe I shouldn’t have. Well I will say goodnight and hope I haven’t depressed you further. I just wanted to say I understood. x
I’m so pleased to hear from you again. I totally understand about the ‘full stop’ being placed on your life. That’s exactly it. I feel hollow and haunted by all the things I didn’t know I needed to say because I didn’t know it was the end. I wasn’t prepared. Had no clue. I think probably mam didn’t have a talk with me about her not being here because she knew I wouldn’t be able to comprehend it. I am the eldest of three but feel like the baby because I think mam loved me the most, or was more protective over me. Maybe she knew how fragile I am. I know you understand because I feel your pain. I can only imagine the turmoil you are in about your mam with her illness and I think we do become less of ourselves after losing our loved ones whether its your husband or my mam. The sadness is so vast I just become lost in it. Never feel that you are morbid or draining. I always welcome your post to me. I don’t think everyone feels the depth of emotion that we do. I’m not in any way disregarding anybody else’s grief. But the way my dad and sisters have been towards me because I am so destroyed, that they think there’s something wrong with me, that they can’t understand why I can feel this lost without her just baffles me. Why are they judging my depth of grief? Why am I not allowed to be this traumatised? The person who has loved me from birth has left me. And I didn’t have any privacy to talk to mam on my own. I was in the room with everyone. Maybe I just don’t care enough to hide my despair. It’s not mental illness. I can’t sail through life unaffected. I don’t have that hard exterior others seem to have. It must have been heartbreaking to see your mam not be herself. I only have tv to go by which is hard to watch knowing that the drama is not that far from reality. It’s so upsetting. But you have to remember the real mam who loved you and who you loved. Whatever we experience changes us but we have the before to comfort us. I did the online tribute site to celebrate mams life. It was the photo’s from the albums and slide show form the service. And I added all the song and hymn lyrics and tributes made to her. I was so upset when the donation was paid in because S. had kept it in his car all this time and didn’t give it to dad like I asked him to. I don’t know why he wouldn’t just pay it in straight away. But he didn’t. I haven’t spoken to dad yet. I realised chatting to him the other day how odd it was that mam didn’t answer or was waiting to chat to me and then I realised its because she’s not there and dad is sitting alone when he’s never been alone for 50 odd years of them being together. He said he understood now how I feel because he is so lost on an evening watching tv on his own. I am still angry that he didn’t want to see or hear me upset after mam had just died and I had to go in the garden so I didn’t upset him.
I feel so exhausted but can’t sleep. I just watched a lovely thing about a man making a wooden chair. The craftsmanship is beautiful and so calming. It’s like finding refuge in the simplicity of each step. I’d love to sit in his workroom and watch him, make him a cuppa and have a little chat until he gets back to work. Mam taught me everything I know about sewing, knitting, crochet, hand embroidery. She inspired me to be a textile artist. When I discovered textiles at school it was like I’d found my place in the world. A world of texture and technique. So it is the essence of who I am. But to come back from therapy and start sewing is so empty. It’s robotic. I’m creating a series of Indian panels to hang at the windows to enhance the colours and patterns in the room. I’m photographing as I do each step for my blog. But it all seems pointless. If I don’t do that I’ll just be crying. Or start crying and have to stop sewing because I can’t do both at the same time. It’s like I’ve lost who I am when mam left. I can’t be me without her here because she was the biggest part of me and without her I cease to be me. I’m so tired of trying to work things out. Sometimes I just feel numb. I’ve been sitting next to the window so I can see the garden. But it doesn’t make a difference. What did you enjoy doing before you stopped being you? Have you visited your mam again? I would go with you if I was near. I imagine you there sometimes and wonder how you are. I think of you sitting in the sunny doorway where your mam sat in her chair. So whenever you feel that alone please remember I will be or have been thinking of you. I wish I could have expressed to mam how precious she was to me. She knew I loved her but it’s not enough to just know that. I wish I could have told her like I’m writing to you. I feel so empty without her to love. I suppose having a partner or family is a distraction of sorts. Sitting crying for my mam at 2.30am. Says it all. Night hun xxx
Sorry for reading your conversation but i just wanted to say that I can relate to what both of you have said. Since my mum died I haven’t had a life and at times I don’t even think I’m existing. Had a couple of bad days myself and I literally feel I have no one since mum went and am in some kind of limbo,… I don’t really want to die but I don’t think I can carry on either. However on a better day I can see a bit more positively so probably just cause I’m feeling sorry for myself.
I hope we can just all help each other and take care x
Hi everyone. Just been reading the posts. I’ve been feeling the same. Feeling really down and my anxiety was bad today . Made myself go out and went to the cinema to see Moonfall which was enjoyable nonsense . Still waiting for Cruse bereavement one on one support- I’m phoning my local Mind tomorrow as they can offer the same service and it might be quicker. Talked with my GP who was very understanding yesterday and my surgery have got a new mental health service just started so been added to the list there.
Wednesdays are always bad for me as Mum and I always went out somewhere together even if just to the local shops or our favourite restaurant. I cant even look or go in those places now.
Wishing us all a peaceful and restful evening x
Sorry to read you are feeling like a lot of us here today but you have my admiration for making yourself go out to the cinema and must admit I’ve fancied that film x
I’m glad your new dr seems to be good and on the ball and hopefully you won’t have to wait long to speak to someone. I registered with my local Mind centre but they are so busy still waiting. And hopefully the housing association will get off your back too with the drs backing.
I understand completely what you say about not going in to places that used to be your places to go. I can’t go into our local Dobbies or garden centre as that’s where we used always go cause she was obsessed with garden centres even though our garden is a tip lol x
as you said wishing us all a peaceful night and may we get some relaxation tonight.
I’m sorry to have read you’ve had a couple of bad days. I’m always totally in awe of your positivity and encouragement towards others. I lived with Mum too. It was Mum that was “home”, and I think she is waiting to be collected from the Hospital to come back. I understand the limbo expression completely. I got a bit of a smile out of your comment about your garden being a tip however in your reply to Neil.
I’m always touched by reading your posts and hope you’ve been able to grab a bit of peace and rest. If just for a bit. Have you done any of your sewing today? Just before Mum got bad I’d started to get interested in crafts. It had taken me years after losing my Husband to even think of enjoying doing anything. I’d started to make mirrored mosaic hanging outdoor sun-catchers and it was something Mum could see from the window. I can see one or two are broken from the wind but I don’t have the heart to fix them. It was 8weeks yesterday for me. My siblings didn’t say anything and I didn’t in case they’re upset. Although in reality the date doesn’t matter as the feelings are the same whatever date it is. I managed to go to Churchyard on Sunday but my brother is on a later shift all week and I have puppy to look after so I may go in dark later. I try to go once a week. Two days before Mum’s service on New Year’s Eve the puppy managed to find ibuprofen and had to have its stomach pumped at the emergency pet hospital in the early hours and after a series of weekly blood tests we only got the all clear last Friday. We bought the puppy as a comfort-dog for Mum but she didn’t get to see it that much and it’s turned out to be a comfort-dog for us, which is strange how it turned out. If we had lost the puppy too it would have been like losing Mum again. Did the Eel in your tank perk up any? Hope so. Did you get any further with your Rose choice? I haven’t done anything yet.
Have a peaceful afternoon, speak soon x
x