Oh my goodness Nic I’d be changing my password I think or you could get a knock on the door and there’ll be a BMW having been delivered!!
The blossom trees used to be my “happy place” equivalent so yeah, in time, we can appreciate things like that again with a smile.
Take care today
xx
Thinking of you all.
Lots of love
Nic xxx
Hi Christine
Sorry to read that you are not in a very good place at the moment. Rest assured it is perfectly normal to feel like this . I’m nearly always like that on Tues and Wed ( had some tears this morning) . That is what we are here for to let your feelings whether good or bad.
Hope you can have a better day today and if you can’t post or for several days then that is OK. We’re here for each other .
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
I was assessed in January as I was in a really bad place.I think I have made steps forward ( on most days) but will find out tomorrow.
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Nic,
So sorry to hear you’re struggling this week. Have you been able to sit in your bench at all recently or is the weather rubbish down there as it is up here?
I must have missed a couple of posts…who ordered what online? just saw Tina saying to change your password lol x
I have my last session of counselling with a Sue Ryder counsellor and she has been amazing and although it’s hard and the their are tears…she also gives a new way of approaching things especially the bad days/hours and although there are wobbles still ahead there is also a teeny window of hope for the future 
Is your ex still giving you grief about the house?
Yeah friends…some I haven’t seen since December and like you some don’t even bother anymore. It really hurt to begin with but I look about at see who is in my life still and I now realise I maybe very lonely at times I am not alone.
Like you all have said I speak more to you all and are more honest with you all (and that is a huge compliment to you all) as you don’t belittle or try and tell me/us that it’s time to ‘move on’ x
Here for you anytime 
x
Hi Neil,
Hope today hasn’t been too tough on you and wish you all the best for your assessment tomorrow x
I’m glad you’re still finding phoning the Samaritans a benefit and when I was speaking to someone last week they said to phone Cruse if I was struggling and apparently they said to phone the national one as the Scotland branch don’t have as much funding and as therefore a wee bit stretched and I remembered how much you said they help you x
What have you got planned for the rest of the week? I hope you’re getting to see or speak to your friend as you always seem more chipper after that x
Let us know how you get on tomorrow and thinking of you xx
Hi Christine,
You absolutely should keep posting and never apologise for feeling how you feel x as others have said if you don’t feel like posting for a wee while we get that but please know we are all here for you and miss you very much xx
Post when you feel you can xx
Hi Tina,
As I was saying to Nic I think I may have missed a couple of posts…did something happen to Zoe that she was at the vet?? x
Dunno if it’s the weather, time off year or what but I can empathise and relate to having harder days recently x
Keep looking at her smiling photos and thinking ‘why? Why did you leave me?’ then I get very sad because I know if she had a choice she wouldn’t have…she ran out of fight 
x
I keep forgetting about that dolls house programme as it sounds interesting but all I seem to watch these days is rubbish lol x
Has things settled down between your siblings yet (apologies if you’ve already said this somewhere)?
I hope you feel a bit lighter today but remember we’re all in this together and here each other xx
Hi Suzanne
Today hasn’t been too bad considering it was a Tuesday. I phoned Cruse which always helps - I usually get put through to someone down in the west country but they are always very nice. I phone regularly as a coping mechanism as I have to talk.
My friend is still giving nothing away about my birthday surprise. I have a little idea what it might be but dont want to jinx it 
.
Mental health assessment tomorrow. I think I’ve come quite a long way since my first back in January although as we all know grief can hit you just like that.
Another big game for West Ham in Europe on Thursday to look forward to.
Hope you have a pleasant evening
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Suzanne,
Lovely to hear from you. I hope you’re ok. As you can be.
My youngest ordered the new spiderman film on my Amazon prime for £15! So felt I had to watch it… it was ok. Now watching the rest of the marvel films. Something to do I guess. My step son ordered himself a pair of earbud earphones just before Xmas but I managed to cancel that one! Like Tina said I’ll have a BMW turn up. Wouldn’t mind that too much if I dodnt have to pay for it…:
The weather has been pretty crap but I still try and sit out there in the evening for a bit. I think the bats are hibernating again as it’s got so cold…. Not seen them for a while. I say goodnight to mum every night and tell her I love her millions and miss her always before I go in. It’s my new thing now. Obviously not something I or any of us want to be doing.
I’ve not seen the ex so not said anything yet. He messaged me saying he was ok until his mum and dad came back from their weekend away. So they are obviously on at him again.
Have you got much planned for this week? I’m still off work at the moment. I would be off next week and the week after as it’s the Easter holidays. I’m basically just rambling sorry. Went to Asda earlier and cried over a pack of tomatoes. They were mums favourite ones and used to get her 2 packs a week. Silly. Cry a lot at the moment. This is hard.
Sending love and hugs to you, Also here for you anytime.
Nic xx
Hi Neil,
I don’t want to intrude and I may of missed it if you’ve already said but why are Tuesdays hard for you? I think I probably know… same as why Mondays and Thursdays are hard for me. Tell me to p off if I’m being nosy. But yesterday wasn’t as bad for me as Mondays have been (if it’s for the same reason) I normally play the day down hour by hour with what if I’d done this or that and knowing at what time this happened or that happened but I didn’t find myself doing it so much yesterday.
Nic x
Hi Nic
Tuesday was the day when Mum passed and Wednesday was the day we always went out for a meal together so they are my hardest days ( usually).If I have something planned on those days but if I haven’t then it’s usually a bad day.
No problem about you asking
Have a peaceful evening
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I wonder what he has planned…I won’t get you to jinx it but I canna wait to know either 
…I am so nosey lol x
I’m pleased to hear that you can see how you have improved in the last few months as you seem to be brighter despite the bad days 
And you have football also to look forward to…let’s hope they win and then you can double celebrations over the weekend 
x
Anyway let us know how you get on tomorrow if you feel like you want to as will be thinking of you xx
Hi Nic,
You certainly aren’t rambling x. You had tomatoes in Asda…mine was Piglet jammies in Primark…mum loved Piglet so much that I got a tattoo of him/her…(was Piglet neutral gender?? I have no idea lol) for her but got it years ago as she wanted to see it….I am so glad I got it so she could enjoy it too x. It’s the small things that we don’t see coming that hits hardest x
I did see about Spiderman but hadn’t realised how it had been ordered lol x what a wee minx x I can’t watch Avengers or that just now as mum was a MASSIVE Chris Hemsworth fan bordering on obsessed lol x I always used to tease her that she was old enough to be his granny but she didn’t care lol x. I went to see Morbius, the new Marvel film, at weekend but there seemed to be so much cut out of the film it was very hard to follow x hope you are enjoy the films though as they are good x
Weather up here has turned baltic again so against better judgement I’ve put the heating back on as it’s not fair on the pets to be cold 
x
As you always said it was his parents that are stirring him up….hope he grows a pair and gives you peace and support you need x
Take care and will speak to you soon xx
Hi Neil,
Thank you. Tuesdays are crap for me as used to meet mum at sainsburys at 10am every week. Other days too like a Sunday as she’d alway pick up her dinner if she didn’t come in and eat it with us. I’d get a text at about 5.20pm saying ‘yum thanks’
She was part of every day really. We should be FaceTiming right now like we did every night.
Sorry. Sadness has come over me today. Well it’s always there but having a few severe waves this evening.
I hope you have a good evening.
Love to you,
Nic x
Hi Nic,
Some days just hit harder than others…my days are Wed and Sat…so understand 
🥲 x
I do believe we’re all here for each other for a reason so you don’t have to apologise or pretend with us here x
I hope you enjoy your night with your girls and hope you manage to sleep ok x
Suzanne,
I think the only days I have that don’t have any real connection is a Friday and a Saturday. Although we used to FaceTime in the evenings we didn’t see each other and wasn’t the day she was taken in or the day she went. I know Saturdays are hard for my sister as she used to go over there on a Saturday afternoon. Same for all of us. I didn’t do the hour by hour thing so much yesterday. I was sad all day but didn’t torture myself so much. I always make sure I ignore the time on a Thursday. Or try too.
I hope you have a good evening and manage to sleep too. No doubt I’ll have the company in bed with me of two little ones at some point in the night xx
Hello everyone
Neil
I think maybe your friend has got you that abseiling/bungee jumping gift voucher for your birthday that you have always wanted! (I jest but maybe I shouldn’t, maybe you do really long for a bungee jumping adventure!)
Nic
Hope you are giving yourself a little TLC right now. When I was having counselling my counsellor would always make a point of asking what self-care I had done in the week. In reality some of the time I’d barely managed to wash my face! I think self-care comes in all forms doesn’t it like sitting on the bench and saying goodnight to your mum before going in.
Suzanne
Nice to hear you found counselling helpful. It’s never guaranteed you’ll get a counsellor you feel comfortable with so you did well there. Zoe turned out to have some “women’s problems”. We thought it might be kidney related but it wasn’t thankfully. I wouldn’t like to think how cold it is in Scotland. On a random note, are you still enjoying your weighted blanket?
Christine
Thinking of you, as we all are.
Tina
xx
Hi Tina x
I’m glad Zoe is ok and it wasn’t kidney related.
It is really cold up here with snow warnings for this weekend but it’s the drizzle rain that is worse as it just makes the cold damp x
My weighted blanket has been commandeered by the cat who is enjoying it greatly and is now covered in ginger and white hair however from the twice I did manage to use it I found it very comforting and definitely helped me sleep so would highly recommend x
And yes I have been so lucky with my counsellor as she got the measure of me quick enough so has been so helpful and practical….I hope everyone gets one like her x
Neil bungee jumping….really hope that is his pressie as I would live to do that but 1) scared if heights 2) paranoid that the rope would snap under my weight and 3) I’d be scared I’d be sick all over the spectators x
Hope you have a quiet night and chat soon xx
Hello all
Well it’s going up for 3am. Yet another night/morning where I’m awoken by troubling thoughts etc. No distractions to take the edge off, no noise, no mischievous puppy to watch in case it gets into trouble, no nothing it’s just stillness with no where to hide.
There’s no escape from anything at this time in the morning.
Love to all
xx