Hi Nic,
Lovely to hear from you tonight and I so wish I could help you more especially during this tough week x. And I think it was very selfless and brave if you to take Georgia to McDs especially as you knew how much it would mean to her despite knowing where it was situated x you see your crying as being idiotic but I see it as being very strong and admirable of you…I can only imagine how upsetting it was for you but that was a baby step forward and you should feel proud of yourself x
Yeah I work at Pets At Home (for my sins lol) and have just been asked to go in tomorrow on my day off as the closing assistant manager has phoned in sick yet again and I want to help my store manager out as he stayed back today and did a 15 hr day cause he pulled a sickie again 
x
Who would be a deputy manager eh?? 
x but no lates or earlies would be sweet lol x
I am sad but I love the co-op lol but didn’t know any of them had post offices in them…I don’t know of any up here that do x
You seem to have a good relationship with your manager which is always a godsend and I hope they as a store and a company have been supportive of you and not wanting to push you back before you feel ready x.
It’s an old cliche but you will know when the time to go back to work is right for you and absolutely no point in going back too soon as that would be majorly counterproductive x. I hate working on the shopfloor until I’m not then I love it…mum always said I was just a pain in the arse and couldn’t be pleased at times x
The situation with your ex would be so much easier if you didn’t still love him and I hope he is a good dad as my dad wasn’t very nice (we’ll leave it at that) x
I am so glad you and Neil can talk football as haven’t got a clue about anything and as my great uncle used to be a football coach for our local team and for Scotland I believe I am considered a bit of a failure in the sports department x apparently my friend was saying that at the local football game on Saturday, there was a road rage incident coming out of the stadium where an old man was literally ran over by a boy racer and as he wasn’t going to stop they reckon he’ll be charged…all because the score wasn’t what he wanted. Good thing though is the old man is going to be fine x
Anyway on that cheery note I’m going to head to bed as have yoga in the morning x
Hope you can relax a little tonight and sleep even a few uninterrupted hours and will check in with you in the morning x
x
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Hi Nic,
I haven’t been able to post because I’ve been too upset. Forced myself into the garden and strated crying for mam. It keeps happening, randomly, out the blue. She is always with me and I keep plaing thins out in my mind, conversations, and wondering why I didn’t question why she was retreating from me. I didn’t want to disturb her when she was usually in bed. I didn’t know she wasn’t going to get better. It haunts me that I was so unaware and absorbed in whatever I was doing. My sister up north phoned me and when I told her about dad fighting with me all the time she mentioned ‘when mam was alive’ and I was so shocked because it sounded so normal for her to say it like that, as if it had happened years ago. I still can’t accept she’s not here. It’s hard now to be in the garden. It was a kind of refuge, being busy.
I hope you are getting through your day without too much upset. I think of you sitting with your mam on her bench and know how painful it is to sit in a space wishing it could be different. I just can’t make sense of it.
Love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
I know I haven’t been posting but just wanted to say hi and I hope you’re getting through the days without being too upset. Does being at work help? I hope so. I can’t imagine having to be in the world like everything is back to normal. I was just saying to Nic I’m finding it really hard again, even being in the garden. It’s like it’s just happened and I panic because she’s not here. When I spoke to my sister it’s like she’s over it already. I still find it so hard admitting mam’s actually died. I say she isn’t here, like she could still come back. I don’t know how to fill the gaping hole that she’s left behind. My sister said maybe I should phone dad for a trip to the garden centre but I can’t deal with that and having to hide how upset I am. I’m just really struggling again.
Love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Sending you early Birthday wishes incase I can’t check back in. I’ve felt very lost in mam again. It was lovely of your friend to turn up like that. And the planting the tree is a lovely memory to your mam. She would be very touched, I’m sure. You have very kind, thoughtful friends in your life. I’m glad the assessment went well. I’ve been thinking of you because I know how worrying that must have been. Hope you can change the appointment to avoid your birthday. You’re doing really well. Keep going!
Love xxx
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Hi Nic,
I want my mam too. I know how lost you are feeling to not have her here and getting her ashes somehow adds to it. I’m still waiting for dad to scatter mams ashes in her parents grave up north and I wanted him to put some in my little egg for her shrine so she will always be with me. You could get a nice urn and take your mam out to sit with you on her bench. Is that too upsetting or a comfort? I’m not sure. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that it is all that is left of her now. I couldn’t open the box. I didn’t want to disturb her. In some cultures they eat the ash to make the loved one a part of them forever. When I said that everyone was outraged. It makes sense to me, to absorb her so she is with me forever.
Love xxx
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Hi Nic,
I think that is a lovely idea. Your mam will be free to walk with her beloved Daisy forever and you can join her when the weather is good. It will be another place in which to feel close to her. Because my parents moved from their house I can’t feel close to mam in a place. She wasn’t at the new flat long enough to really make it her own and with covid we couldn’t visit for some of that time. It’s all a bit of a blur. I wish they hadn’t moved so I could sit in the old garden and be with her. Her garden was her life. It is where she spent her time. It was filled with love. I wish I could visit her there.
Love xxx
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Hi Christine
Lovely to hear from you. I was s bit tearful waking up this morning and thinking of Mum. I think it’s the thought of my 50th tomorrow without her. I’ve got the cards ready to put up that I’ve saved over the years.
Really annoyed at Universal Credit for bringing my appt forward and couldnt get it changed. I’ve arranged a few appts next week, including my Cruse counselling starting, around UC and they had to bloody change the date. Lovely way to start my birthday going there!
Hope your day is a better one and can bring you some peace
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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And thank you so much for the birthday wishes Christine x
Hi Nic
Nothing wrong about supporting Pompey. I actually went there with the Hammers on a freezing cold day in 1990. I think it was the coldest I have ever been at a football match on those open terraces back in the day.
Best wishes Neil x
Hi Suzanne,
That’s kind of you going in to help your manager on your day off. I bet he wishes he had more colleagues like you!
I hope you have a good day today. I’ve got to somehow try and get myself out of this low patch I’ve got myself into. It’s no good for me or the kids.
Love,
Nic xx
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Christine,
I have exactly the same thoughts about my mum. I was going about my day thinking she was tired as she’d not been sleeping. Didn’t even worry when she didn’t answer the phone as thought she’s probably asleep and it destroys me that maybe I could of changed the outcome of all this if I had of realised that she really wasn’t well. Even she didn’t know though I don’t think. But still. It’s a huge weight I’m carrying around. And the constant overwhelming sadness. Like you I’ve been bursting into tears randomly and she’s always in my head. Everything I do l, everywhere I go there is a memory. Hurts so much.
Sending you so much love.
Nic xxx
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Just thought I’d say hello to everyone whilst I can. Nic I admire you for going to McDonalds. Don’t worry about crying, when I lost my Husband I had to have a difficult tooth taken out, didn’t have the mental energy to take the pain and just broke down mid extraction. Dentist was a young newcomer to UK, what a welcome for him that must have been, not in a good way!
Neil, do I remember right about you having a bit of hard time with benefits people. I’ve been living off my savings and don’t claim. I’m not well off, quite the reverse but neither am I well enough to cope with the stress and anxiety that sometimes comes with dealing with them. It must be your birthday quite soon, I’m hoping it’s special for you.
I can see you’ve got an interest in football. I’m not a sports fan but going back 20years or so I was an avid watcher of the formula 1. In the days when it was exciting!
Hope you are getting along ok suzanne. I’ve just been catching up on some of your replies, Pets At Home are punching above their weight I think as you’d make an excellent counsellor/life coach - you are always full of encouragement and positivity. Your cat has its beady eye on you by the sound of it! Does he have a loving personality?
Hi Christine, I understand what you are saying - totally. I’ve been very quiet posting recently too due to being upset. Can’t distract myself much as the guy next door is off due to holidays for 2 weeks and he is forever mooching about his garden. If his car moves I go out in garden if not I don’t. The guy on the other side is just a metre or so from me on ground level and also his bedroom is just a few feet overlooking my kitchen door so I can’t even do that when he is in. It’s like being in a prison although both of them have got more interesting things on their radar to be wondering what I’m doing.
Its been good reading everyone’s contributions. Like meeting up with friends for a catch-up and a brew. There are some funny bits and sadly some difficult and down bits for us all but it’s comforting to know we are part of an understanding and supportive little group.
Wishing all well and speak again soon
xx
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Hi Tina
Yes Universal Credit have been a pain this week. Normally not too bad. Hopefully I can get a job soon and earn my own money . It’s difficult at the moment though.
You are correct about me being a football fan . I was a member of West Ham for over 30 years and used to go to nearly every home game and some away. Due to Covid and then Mum and now finances haven’t been to see them for nearly 3 years. Typical as we have a really good team now .
Wishing you a pleasant Friday and speak soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
Lovely to hear from you and what a lovely comment to make but I’m sure some people would disagree when I’m raging like the Hulk at them x however I was speaking to my counsellor that when I feel stronger I would like to go into some kind of support work for people who have no/little support network because I would hate for people to have no one to help them. Will keep you updated as to how that goes x
Cal the cat is a massive pain in my butt however when he snuggles up and falls asleep on my lap he is very loving so I forgive him lol x
How is Zoe doing?
I am sorry to read that your neighbour being on hols is stopping you from going into the garden. I think it’s a tragedy that you and Christine have to basically live your lives round other people 
x
I hope you manage to find peace in the next couple of days and if you just need to chat we’re here
Hi Nic,
Not sure my manager could handle more ‘me’ lol but he grateful as he lives 60 miles from the store so on top of that long day he has an hour commute each way x
It’s such a shame you and Christine are having these thoughts…almost blaming yourself for not noticing things about your mum. Not going to lie when I think back to my last weekend away with mum I get upset that I was getting frustrated at her for stupid things and how now I wish she was here so I could tell her to take her time and also that I missed her deteriorating but then I think that I have to just focus on the good time we did have as if I didn’t I actually think I would send myself mad.
I’m not saying you or anyone else should do that but it’s maybe a short term survival strategy but only time will tell if it comes back to bit me on the arse x
You both need to forgive yourselves as I’m pretty sure that you didn’t miss anything, couldn’t have cherished her anymore than you did and still do and unfortunately I do believe that when it’s your time, it’s your time so the outcome may have been the same x but that’s just my belief x
You seem a very caring, empathetic, loving person and your girls are lucky to have you as their mummy and you must get that from someone so your mum’s legacy is still alive 
Hope your day is even a smidgen brighter and will see how you’re doing later xx
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Hi Suzanne,
I tell myself that mum gave up when the doctor said she would have to go to hospital and that if she had of gone her life would not of been the same again and would of been limited. Her copd was a lot worse than we realised. Even her. She was scared of being poorly and always said she would never want to go in a home or live with us. She wanted to be in her own home. In some ways I think she went on her terms. Doesn’t bring me much comfort at the moment as maybe I’m trying to alleviate my own guilt. Gosh I’m a Debbie Downer!
Nic xx
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Hi Christine,
Lovely to hear from you and saddened to hear that you are feeling so down x
I have heard that sometimes people return to the initial stages of grief so although I can only imagine how distressed you are feeling especially when you appeared to be making steps forward you will get there again…just don’t beat yourself up about it x. We are all here for you any time x
Work can help but mum’s never far away from my thoughts but I can’t afford mentally or financially to not work x coming home to an empty house is getting a bit easier but can still be very lonely especially if something good or bad has happened x that’s when I put it all in my journal x
I’m a bit like you in that I can’t say the word ‘died’…I usually say ‘passed’ if I have to talk about it at all as it seems too final and I can’t deal with that just now so I get that totally.
I know you are missing your dad but if you’re not sure just now about contacting him I’d listen to your instincts as you seem a bit too vulnerable to me just now to handle anymore upset but whatever you decide to do we will all be here for you and support you in anyway we can x
Such a shame that you can’t find any solace in your garden just now and hopefully that will come again soon especially when the weather picks up x
Post when you feel you can but you’re in my thoughts every day x
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Hi Nic,
Sounds like my mum and your mum would have got on great…both knew what they wanted and were independent ladies x
My mum didn’t want to go into hospital as she was scared of getting covid but in hindsight I often wonder if it’s cause she knew she wouldn’t come out. She asked me if I thought she should go in to hospital and I said I thought she should as her condition was something that was above my knowledge x that decision of mine to tell her that still and will forever haunt me however because she did go into hospital and was put in a drip and oxygen maybe I got a few more days with her than I would have had she been at home x
Sounds like you were true to what your mum wished for or as close as you could be so have nothing to feel guilty about imo. however you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t think about the ‘what ifs’.
What are you up to today? Currently I have just seen the time so have missed yoga and am watching my next door neighbour’s 7 year old running about dressed as Spiderman…not the morning I had envisaged but hey ho.
Speak to you later and having had my dad die of COPD I understand what a hideous disease it is x
x
Hi Neil,
Having tried to apply for UC because I thought I may be eligible I told them to withdraw my application after I was getting texts to ‘check my journal’ like every couple of hours…I take my hat off to you for navigating your way round that 
x
And I’m sure they could have rescheduled tomorrow for you if they wanted…bureaucratic twats lol x
What are you doing today? what other plans do you have tomorrow? Did you say you were meeting friends?
Hope you have a good day and will catch up soon x
x
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Hi Suzanne.
I’m was scared of covid too. We did have a few disagreements over it as she’d get funny coming here but would go to my sisters or see her friend and I’d say why do you think you’re only going to catch it off me?!
Her copd didn’t really seem to affect her generally. She walked the dog everyday, chopped wood for her log burner etc. it’s almost like it crept up. She never went to the doctors about it as she was too scared too but so wish I’d made her go now.
I really need to go and do some food shopping and trying to summon up the motivation to go. Will also give me a break from peppa bloody pig…
Hope you have a good day. Hopefully talk later.
Nic xx
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