Hi Neil,
Sorry to hear about your day but I am pleased your best friend called. I have often thought about phoning the Samaritans but have always chickened out so glad they were there for you to talk to as I can empathise with the loneliness that is all encompassing certain times.
What kind of jobs have you been applying for? Will keep fingers crossed that one of them has a good outcome for you 
x
Wishing you a more peaceful night but always here for a chat if you want,
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne
Hope you are OK and managing on an even keel.
Feeling restless but donāt know why, kind of like āanticipationā. Sure Iām going a bit strange. Tearful yet again last night and did think of ringing Samaritans (I usually email) but by the time Iāve composed myself the moment has passed, so I donāt. Everything just seems alien.
Keep going Suzanne/Neil/Christine. x
(Yes itās true what you say about noticing when people donāt post Ć nd wonder if they are OK, hope Christine is bearing up.)
Hi Tina,
Yeah think on an even keel tonight is a good description of where I am just now. Managing to keep it mostly together just now so will take that as a win 
I know what you mean about the feeling of anticipationā¦I get like Iām waiting on something but not sure what and then get down when nothing materialises so I donāt think you are going strange.
Here if you just want to chat and like you hope Christine is doing ok.
Take care,
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne, Tina and Neil,
Iām really not doing great. My sister was banging on my door yesterday at 10 am to get her car seat. She didnāt phone or text or say it was her at the door. I had a panic attack because I woke up not knowing what was happening or who was at the door. I hadnāt slept because I have to save my sleeping tablet for tonight. She has been ignoring my texts since ordering food on my account without asking and then seemed annoyed that I expected her to pay it back in. Didnāt know dad has been going to her for Sunday lunch. I havenāt been invited. She lives 5 mins down the road. Iām still so very upset about mam. I spoke to dad and he doesnāt believe that I have no privacy to openly chat about stuff. He thinks because the wall in the loft has been repaired the issue with my creepy neighbour (who removed the wall so he could get in my house) watching and listening to whatever Iām doing isnāt real. The council believe he is stalking me, as does my therapist. My other sister thinks that I make no effort to go see dad and that my panic attacks and agoraphobia is no excuse to stop me if I can go to therapy every week (10 mins away). They have all moved on now and I canāt. Iām better than I was doing but that was when I couldnāt stop crying all day, everyday. At least Iām getting out of bed now and dressed and doing household chores. Iāve started doing sewing but itās just mechanical, numb. I wish I could tell mam how much I miss her and just want to be with her. That doesnāt make me mentally ill. That makes me love her so deeply that Iām devastated she isnāt here. I keep seeing her walking out of her old kitchen after Iād given her a haircut, seeing the back of her neck. Donāt know why. I wish Iād appreciated the time for how precious it was when I was with her because Iām too late. I was always anxious and would drive home feeling like Id hardly seen her because Iād been doing jobs in the garden on my own. I miss their old house. And when / if I visit dad (possibly Wednesday) he has bought all new furniture so thereāll be hardly anything left of mam. I understand he wants to make the place his own but why so soon? I donāt think I can ever go back there again. I keep thinking of her old china and tea pots in the hallway. It will be the only thing left that was her.
Iāve been applying for lots of different jobs - I always worked in retail, admin and warehouse so been looking at those mainly. Samaritans are really good, I use them a lot. Some days itās just good to let it all out and they listen to you and dont judge you at all .
Worth phoning them if you get a bad day x
Oh Christine Iām sorry to hear that youāre having such a hard time just now but I am pleased that your therapist and council do believe your neighbour is stalking you so hopefully action can start to be taken against him. I think it was Tina that said a while ago to keep a journal of when you see him hanging about, listening to you etc.
I donāt understand why your sister who lives 5 mins ago wouldnāt invite you to Sunday lunch if your dad is going but no doubt there will be a reason/excuse.
Donāt be bullied into moving on faster than I like feel ready to.
Is it possible that your dad needed to change things in the house because the memories of the old stuff was too much for him?
We grieve for the futures that we know canāt now be fulfilled with our mums and that is constantly on my mind and probably all of us.
Take care of yourself and let us know how youāre doing,
Suzanne x
Hello Christine.
Good to hear from you. As itās late Iāll drop by tomorrow with a few lines.
Take care.
Hi Tina, Sorry I havenāt been able to post. I just want to hide from the world. And because I feel so cut off from my family, knowing they think I should be ābetterā now makes it worse. I canāt switch it off. Theyāre confusing my grief with the anxiety and agoraphobia that Iāve had for 20 years. I donāt know why they canāt just accept I miss mam so much that my life is empty without her in it. She understood and accepted my situation. I feel bullied and they are angry because I wont take anti depressants. Iām not depressed. Iām devastated that mam has died. I still canāt believe its true. I keep having to tell myself she really is gone and Iāll never see her again. I feel so alone and the only people in my life are my two sisters and dad and they do not accept whatever I say to them. So Iām totally isolated. Mam would be so upset at what is happening. She obviously protected me from what they all thought of me, despite my sister being my carer years ago. I just feel so hopeless and trapped. I heard comments outside about how I have a cry and then Iām alright again. I know my awful neighbours know what has happened and can hear me crying. I just canāt keep it inside. The worst thing that could possibly happen to me has happened and I canāt even grieve in private. Dad doesnāt believe anything I say about my situation because heās convinced Iām just āmentalā. Itās so unfair. The worst thing is not being believed. I couldnāt do anything about the creep because I didnāt have a camera in the loft and had taken the cameras in the house down during decorating when he got in the house. Heās probably got cameraās recording me at my front door because he now sits looking at his phone in his van when he has followed me out and Iām at my car, as if heās checking the footage while he sits waiting for me to leave. Itās so surreal, like watching myself in a horror film. So I avoid going out at all apart from my therapy (tomorrow) and hope he doesnāt follow like I caught him doing before. Just watched a thing on stalking and its brought it all back up again. I feel trapped inside the house because Iām not going out but I canāt go out alone. My sister knows that my situation has never changed so I donāt know why she is acting like she is. She must really dislike me to be so uncaring and I donāt understand why she ignoring me. I just donāt have the energy to defend myself. Dad says itās no life to be existing the way I am and my other sister thinks I should try harder. I feel totally unable to deal with any of this situation. I dread waking up and itās a relief to get to evening for tv so I can sit like a zombie for a while and not be upset but I still think of mam and get upset. Why couldnāt I see how unwell she was? She was just mam. I still hope she knew how much I loved her because I didnāt say it or hug or kiss and was terrified of giving them covid so wouldnāt go near them. I even wore my mask in hospital. I keep thinking of all the things I should have said when she was able to hear but not speak. Why was I so numb? It was the last chance to love her and talk about happy memories and I couldnāt think of things to say. I was just trying not to cry and tell her it was alright to let go, that we would be fine and not to worry. I couldnāt contemplate the devastation afterwards. I canāt want my mam and fight with my family or pretend that Iām fine because they want me to be or to not upset them. I feel like Iām in the way even though Iām not even around them. I feel totally excluded. It doesnāt help to post because the sadness just gets bigger and I want her more and itās complete torture.
Iām sorry. I have been thinking of you going to visit your mam at the grave. Wish I could do that. Iād be there everyday. Mam wanted to join her parents in their grave but there wasnāt room so she wanted crematation. I want the same. I want my ashes sprinkled with hers so we are reunited in death. It sounds dramatic but I canāt think of anything else which makes more sense. All I want is to be with her. Its been 12 weeks now and itās like time has stood still. I feel so alone its frightening. My sleeping tablet is kicking in so Iām starting to wind down (had to take a half last night and then tonight to get some sleep for driving tomorrow). Sorry its such a long post. Couldnāt stop once I started. Will try harder to get back to you all. Sending you love xxx
Hi Neil, I know itās not a great time to getting work during covid so donāt be too disheartened. Keep a log of everything so you have it in front of you. Have you tried a temping agency to start you off. I did that for office work in between jobs (many years ago) and thereās always a chance you could be offered a permanent place. Means you have variety and you can pick and mix, moving around if that suits. Cleaning work in offices is something you could start with if nothing else is available. Iāve seen adverts about nursing homes needing staff. Have you asked at the theatre whether they need help back stage with sets and costume etc. Doing volunteer work could lead to something. Charity shops on an option. You could volunteer for an afternoon and see where it leads. Are you ready for the world of work. Be great if you are able to meet nice, caring new people but the pressure to keep a job when you get it could be huge. But then only you will know when it is time to try. Government based jobs like civil service are worth a shot if you have admin. Whatever you do Iām proud that your trying. Youāre braver than me. I admire that! Let us know x
Hi Christine. Good to hear from you as was getting a bit worried. So sorry what you are going through. Some days Iām OK but then back to feeling desperately sad and my anxiety gets bad again. Itās something we all have to live with and hope the days can get better in time. 11 weeks today since my Mum passed - Tuesdays usually a bad day for me.
I think the reason Iāve been frustrated in my job search is that Iāve been a carer for 15 years and everythingās changed since in applying for jobs and I have anxiety about returning to the workplace. Some days I just feel totally overwhelmed with everything and just cry. Cruse and Samaritans do help when I have a lonely day .
Sending you my best wishes and hope you can have some brighter days soon
Neil x
Hello Christine.
Good to hear from you.
Have you spoken with the Police about the odd-ball living next door to you at all? I can see why you wouldnāt want to as who needs another traumatic experience to deal with when you are already in pain through grief. Iām thinking maybe they could at least check his history.
Iām still upset myself at the similar things you talk about regarding your Mam, very. so I know itās not something you can switch off because you think you should be doing. Feelings arenāt actions are they, you can choose your actions but your thoughts are something else entirely. Iām sorry that the situation with your Siblings is still not a lot better. It must be getting you down. Itās such a shame itās happening. You wouldnāt criticise their way of handling things and all you want is the same in return.
I did go to the Churchyard on Sunday. It was one of those times though when everything felt āblankā. Maybe it because Iāve been upset a lot this week.
Hope today goes well for all of us.
xx
Hi Tina, lovely to hear from you. Iām just about to leave for my therapy but itās a bit of a struggle getting up the motivation. Iāll post when I return x
I tried the police re creep about the loft wall and they said it was a council matter! No concern about my safety. They didnāt help me at all. I had no proof because I didnāt have a camera catching him doing it. I told them about his behaviour from him moving in, watching me, creeping about in the garden, hiding in the dark etc. Sorry, must dash x
Hi, sorry I didnāt get back to you yesterday. I was so upset about mam in therapy. I just canāt be without her. I said I would try to visit dad today and have had to cancel. He said I sounded better because I was having a conversation with him and that upset me because I had to explain that Iām not alright and itās a real effort just to phone him and had to go. I canāt face going over because heās replaced all the furniture. Mamās chair wonāt be there, the space where she always sat and the bed looking out over the rooftops and the church steeple. I feel so guilty that Iām not alright and able to visit him because heās on his own but I canāt pretend Iām alright. Iāve run out of sleeping tablets so havenāt slept. I canāt bear to think of him on his own but I canāt go over there. To see dad without mam is heartbreaking. They have always been together. Iāve never seen them apart. I miss my mam so much that I canāt even get out of bed and try to do anything today. I just donāt see the point in doing anything. I just want to join her. I canāt be without her. I canāt put her in a box under my bed and get her out now and again. Everyone has moved on and Iām not able to and dad doesnāt want me upsetting him. I want him to be alright but Iām not able to be and canāt imagine ever being. My sister is still ignoring me. I wish Iād died with mam. I wish sheād taken me with her, or in place of her because she is so precious to everyone. She still had time. I donāt understand why it ran out. I donāt want the time I have/ Itās so empty without her. I want to be in the old house, helping in the garden. I always made such a fuss about everything because I was stressed. If I could go back I would make everything perfect and be the very best I could be for her so I could make her happy. I wish I was better than I am. I wish I was able to tell her how much she is loved. I feel so empty without her here. I donāt know how much longer I can keep facing each empty day. Nothing has any purpose. I have small pocket of being ānormalā but it doesnāt last long. I just want her back and will do anything for it to be real. I lit a candle on her tribute site but couldnāt stay because Iām too upset. I really wish I wasnāt here.
Hello Christine.
You sound absolutely heartbroken about everything Christine. Like youāve put up all the fight youāve got and itās taken everything out of you. I hope what Iāve said hasnāt made you feel worse, I just wanted to let you know I understand.
I understand the āpocketsā but everything just feels so fake. To be brutal, to keep trying to get through each day is getting bleaker. I know family would rather I take medication but itās not like Iāve lost a job or anything I can replace etcā¦
Iāve had some terrible tearful outbursts recently too and I totally get the wanting to hide away and avoid everything/everyone. I keep going over the same things in my head, itās truly awful isnāt it.
I know you must be worried a lot for your Dad too. You canāt take everything on your shoulders, please donāt try.
There was an accident of sorts here last night and I just thought what would Mum be thinking. Then in the night I dreamt I heard a bang and was trying to work out which was Mumās room and then it dawned on me she doesnāt have one. Thatās so so sad.
I didnāt mean to go on about my troubles, Iām sorry.
I wonāt say I hope you have a good day (although that would be nice and I do hope you have), but I do hope you have a safe day and a bit of peace.
Thinking of you.
xx
Hello as well to Neil and Suzanne. Sending you both warm regards.
Tina x
Hello Tina
Hope youāre having as good a day as you can . Wednesday is usually one of my worst days of the week . Mum and I always used to go out Wednesday usually for a meal , sometimes somewhere else. Some days I just cannot get my head round what has happened. Trying to take it one day at a time and be positive but it is so difficult. Cruse and Samaritans have been really good when I need someone .
Itās good we have all got each other on here .
Best wishes , Neil x
Hi Tina, I know you know how I feel. I just feel so lost without her and would do anything to change it. I keep thinking about what mam would say to me but you are right, I just donāt have the fight in me to even try to be ok. Iām sorry you realised your mam doesnāt have her room anymore. That made me cry because I totally understand how you feel. Iām dreading going to see dad because everything will be different. Nobody understands and I canāt go over in this state because all Iāll do is upset dad and then feel guilty. He was laughing saying how he made a quiche and burnt it a bit and I couldnāt stay on the phone because I got upset because he was laughing and I didnāt want to make him feel sad. My sisters will be looking out for him and my mams sister lives very close by and so he has regular contact with them. Heās joined a gym and has slimming world and goes shopping so I know he is doing ok.
I got up after having a sleep (received my sleeping tablets in the post but I can only have 7 so have to go some nights without sleep while waiting for the next 7 to be posted. Itās such a waste of everyoneās time. But I got up, did dishes, tried to make a milkshake with my soup maker and broke it (which made me cry). Mam wasnāt here to ask if I can use the soup maker for milkshake. I canāt cook. Everything I do reminds me that she isnāt here. So my efforts were short lived but at least I tried.
I just miss her so very much and Iām just trying to get through the time Iām awake until I can sleep again. I donāt understand how life goes back to normal for my family so soon. Mam was the one who kept everyone connected and sorted out all the drama. Without her here I am alone. And dad thinks Iām ok because I was talking to him for a couple of minutes and sounded ānormalā. I had to tell him Iām really not. He misses mam but is getting on with things and keeping busy helps him. I just donāt want to exist without her.
I do appreciate you posting me back. Knowing you arenāt finding it easy does help because Iām not on my own. That sounds awful. I donāt want you to feel this desperate. I know how devastated you are about your mam. Nothing helps.
Love xxx
Hi Tina, Christine and Neilā¦
Sorry to read of your hard times just now and understand completely because even if I have a āgoodā day all that means is that Iām not crying in public and my mask hasnāt cracked but itās just so exhausting.
I know my family and friends do care and miss my mum too but I find myself getting annoyed when they do ānormalā stuff and then I have to pull myself back and give myself a row cause why shouldnāt they? I shouldnāt expect them to put their life on hold cause mine has stopped 
Christine - I do hope your dad is keeping as well as heās pretending by keeping busy. I understand why he sounds like heās trying to reinvent himself as think that may be a good way forward however I do understand how distressing that is for you as i need to have my mums seat where it belongs. I do hope some of your crafts can give you some grounding even for such a small time.
Tina - even when in despair yourself you always try and pick us all up and that shows to me what a compassionate, loving personality you have so hopefully we can repay your kind words back and give you a wee lift in spirit
Neil - I too hate Wednesday but only because thatās the day my mum passed and it just signifies another week has passed without her. Had to tell one of her friends today who I havenāt seen about her and poor lady started crying in the middle of my shop so that made me feel bad for pretty much ruining her day. Hopefully one Wednesday youāll feel strong enough to maybe go to one of your favourite places and grab a bite to eat. When is it next youāre at the theatre? In my memories today it was telling me 3 years ago I was in London with mum seeing True West and remembered it like it was yesterday.
Anyway if we canāt be kind to ourselves then we can all do it for each other 
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne.
Tuesday and Wednesday always the worst days for me. Used Cruse and Samaritans yesterday and today
Hope to be better tomorrow.
Next show is on Saturday at the Coliseum once more - The Cunning Little Vixen - English National Opera.
True West was a play I didnāt see on its run in the West End.
Hope you have a peaceful evening
Best wishes , Neil x
Hi Neil,
Wishing you a peaceful evening and hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you. Hope Cruse and Samaritans could help you today and feel free to message if youāre having a bad day as we all need support here x
Thatās right, for some reason I thought it was tomorrow you were at the theatre but my head is mince.
As good as True West was not going to lie had Kit Harrington not been it I probably wouldnāt have even given it a second thought but was very pleased I had to especially as I had enjoyed seeing him so much in Dr Faustus.
Hope tonight is bearable for you tonight and that you can find even a little enjoyment in something
Suzanne x