Hello Neil
Just saying good morning and hope you are bearing up ok today. I get what you mean about certain days. I’m fixated by the daily time of 4pm, that’s when Mum had carers and which she hated. Good on you for having the fortitude to be going to the shows. I seem to be retreating from life as I don’t feel the confidence to be in crowded places. I can’t recall what the outcome was with your home situation but I hope it was positive.
Kindness to you.
1 Like
Hello Suzanne.
Just dropping by to say Hello and that I hope you are OK. I understand about the quietness, and as much as cats are cuddly, they don’t make a lot of noise. A friendly face though nonetheless.
I still have lots of official forms to do but just don’t want to face doing them so they remain undone.
Have a peaceful day.
Tina x
1 Like
Hello Christine
Just thought I’d say hello and that I hope you are managing. I feel desperately unwell emotionally and I wouldn’t want to inflict anymore of it on anyone. I’m aware of how draining I can be.
I can’t recall if you said you were going to see your Dad today but I hope it goes OK if you manage it. At least like you say, he has contact with other family members so it takes a bit of pressure away from you if you are feeling more vulnerable on some days.
Sorry to hear about the soup maker breaking, it’s these small things happening that can sometimes be the straw that breaks the camel’s back as they say.
Are you seeing your therapist soon?
I hope today is kind to you. If you don’t come on the forum for a bit, know that you are being thought about. I know there are times I haven’t even had the mental ability to post so I can well understand people sometimes just don’t feel up to doing the same either.
Just want my Mum, as I know we all do.
xxx
2 Likes
You are so kind Tina. Thinking of you too xxx
2 Likes
Can’t stop crying right now - just don’t know how to cope.
Stay safe to all xxx
2 Likes
Tina, however desperate you feel right now you will feel a little better in time. I don’t feel as bad as yesterday. Not sleeping makes me very fragile and unable to cope. All we can do is hope it gets a little easier and it does. I always like seeing your posts. You are never draining. I couldn’t post yesterday. I did try but was so upset when I read Suzanne’s post about having to tell her mams friend and how upset she was. I just wasn’t aware this world existed because I wasn’t part of it until mam. You are such a loving person Tina. We are all here for you. Thinking of you with love xxx
I don’t feel able to visit dad until I’m stronger. I don’t want to start crying about mam and upset him. I feel like I’m not allowed to be this upset and so will have to just stay away for however long it takes. My sister is still ignoring me. It’s been 12 weeks today that mam left. I was born on a Thursday. Do you remember the nursery rhyme about a child born on the different days? Mine is ‘works hard for a living’.
I got my new soup maker (same one). I never cried in real life before mam. It’s ridiculous that I cried because it broke but then I was upset anyway. I hate crying because I don’t want to be weak or vulnerable, though it’s fine for other people to cry. I’ve learned to hide my emotions and defend myself psychologically in relationships. But my grief for mam is so overwhelming that I have no ability to cope. I’m getting upset again.
Going to feed the birds. It’s lovely hearing them with their babies and watching from the window. Still not got up yet.
Thinking of you and sending you love. xxx
1 Like
Hi Tina.
I felt a bit better today- until something came through the post with Mum’s name on and that started me off . It was from the local council so they should know better.
I get sad at certain times on different days when I think back to what we would have been doing in the normal world ( this world now isn’t normal!).
My housing situation still hasn’t been resolved but I’m trying not to let it get me down although it’s still causing me anxiety.
I look forward to evenings and weekends as I dont have to deal with all the phone calls and financial that I’m still having to do because other people are not doing their jobs and making things difficult.
Best wishes to us all on here as we try somehow to move forward
Take care
Neil x
2 Likes
Oh Tina I am so sorry to read that you’re having such a hard time just now. That’s the thing about grief and missing your mum…there is no rhyme nor reason as to when these days will hit you.
I was driving home tonight and George Harrison came in the radio…well that was me away as he was a great favourite of my mums. Luckily it passed but I’m always just ‘waiting in dread’ for it to hit again.
Never think you can’t be honest about how you feel as we all probably are feeling the same to some extent,
We are all here for the same reason…I want my mum 
Write as much or little as you feel you can.
Suzanne x
1 Like
Please accept my apologies Christine as it was not my intention to upset you or anyone yesterday about my mum’s friend. I never thought so I am truly sorry for upsetting you.
I am pleased to hear you’re having a slightly better day today and that you got a new soup maker. With this cold weather you’ll need some nice warm soup 
All the best,
Suzanne x
1 Like
Hi Suzanne, I didn’t mean that you had upset me! Sorry, it was just imagining how upset your mams friend was. It’s so sad for her to hear her friend had passed and she didn’t know until some time afterwards. There must be so many people who hear or read about their friends passing. I was upset anyway. But anything can set me off. TV programmes, music on the tv (I still can’t listen to music because I imagine being little and hearing mams music in the background because we played it at the crem service for the tribute photos). Adverts for care homes and Marie Curie nurses. My mam needed a lot of care and she had cancer and we didn’t know. I was always frightened of getting older and losing my independence. Now with mam it is a reality that overwhelms me. I’m stuck waiting. I’m in limbo waiting to join mam. I hope we do meet our loved ones and it’s not just a thing people say. I believe in a higher consciousness, a state of superior being where we transcend what we know living in this lifetime. I like the Buddhist cycle of reincarnation. I like the tranquility that cats possess. It’s like they know something we don’t.
I managed to feed the birds today and play with my neighbours cat who loves to pop in to see me and has a nap in the kitchen. He was loving the box from the bird food delivery. It’s so strange that I can feel like I will actually die from a broken heart and then be able to do stuff. It’s like I’m truly seeing the reality of life, that it’s just a series of doing stuff to get through the day until we die. The tinted specs are off and I didn’t know how precious that time was, that I was living my best life because mam was still alive, whatever was happening. It’s 12 weeks yesterday that she left. I wish she was able to take me with her. She would have known I’d want to go and not be left behind. She’d do it if she could have. I wish I could just press a button and it be done. It’s so sad that everything we accumulate in life, things that mean anything to us (presents etc) will not be cherished. I imagine now all the charity shops with peoples precious things, things that were loved. I might get rid of all my stuff so that family don’t have to sort it all out. I just can’t handle this. I have always been afraid of death from a young age and I don’t know why (probably losing my grandma). I can’t leave Porscha behind but she’s old now and a bit wobbly. I’ll be devastated when she goes.
Sorry, I’m upset again. I can’t help it. It’s always there, ready to engulf me. I did more sewing but I don’t know why I’m doing it. Don’t know what the point of it is anymore. The only thing that matters is mam and because she’s not here I don’t matter now or anything that I do. Sorry I’m not able to comfort you. I didn’t realise how broken I would be without her.
1 Like
Hi Christine,
I understand completely and in a strange way you did comfort me as I thought it was only me that was having thoughts like this.
When I was emptying my auntie’s house a couple of years ago everything fell to me, my mum and my uncle and it dawned on me then that when mum went I would be left with it as my uncle has literally disappeared from my/our life.
And now I find myself with everyone’s belongings including obviously my own and I’m thinking my goddaughter, nieces, friends etc won’t want majority of it and my family will only want heirlooms that they think will be worth something so I get totally what you mean.
I too believe in a higher source and so believe that we will meet our loved one again but the waiting in between seems futile because everything and everyone I thought I knew has gone and changed.
Woke up to my phone reminding me that two years ago today mum and I were in Florida and the photos look so happy x
Had plans for today but woke up to a foot of snow so that’s them all put on hold…
Sorry I’m just feeling very sorry for myself today but it’ll pass.
Hope all your days are bearable and I’m glad I didn’t upset you as such
Take care,
Suzanne x
Hiya,
I woke up feeling better today after a good sleep (with a sleeping tablet). Dealt with emergency blocked toilet last night. Called someone out and they just used a plunger. The pipework is old and connected to next door and happens often. I had to remove patio slabs and shingle from the drain outside so have that job to put back again. Winds are ferocious here and it just reminds me that I’d be on the phone to mam asking what it’s like over at hers and to not go into the roof garden. I’m wondering if dad will still go to the pub tonight. Hope not but don’t think it will stop him.
I noticed new bulbs growing after I’d rescued them from a waterlogged fishtank in the garden so that cheered me up which is surprising because the flowing bulbs make me sad because I would have told mam about them.
Thinking of your mams friend and sending her love without even knowing her. Grief is such a bizarre situation. I’m drowning in it but today seems a bit better.
Pleased that none of the big trees haven’t come down because it gives lots of shade and privacy in the summer.
You must have had very mixed emotions of you and mam in Florida. It upsets me so much looking at pics of holidays and knowing mam can’t ever enjoy the planning and being on hols. They used to stay in cottages and hotels visiting the North East where the family are and other places. I was always invited but couldn’t go because of my agoraphobia. I wish I could have forced myself to go just so I have happy memories to call on now it’s never going to happen.
Sorry, my upbeat mood doesn’t last very long. Stay safe and enjoy the snow while you have it. It always reminds me of being little, building snowmen and going sledging. We would be snowed in with schools closed and roads blocks. Wet mittens steaming o radiators while we drank our hot bovril. I miss the safety of being a child, being cared for and loved and never knowing loss and sadness like I do now. I keep returning to the past because I feel like I have no present or future. It’s been destroyed with mam.
xxx
Love to Tina and Neil xxx
2 Likes
Tina I just want to let you know I’m thinking of you (I carry you around with me in my head). Hope you find an easier pathway through the day. I’m better than yesterday but then got upset again posting to Suzanne. Everything is a reminder of her not being here and I just want to be alittle girl again.
The winds are ferocious here and I’m watching the garden with fingers crossed in case the big trees come down.
Take care love xxx
1 Like
Hi Christine
Glad you felt a bit better this morning . I’ve had a better day too and pleased the weekend is here.
We had lots of trees down where I live and some blocking the roads. Weather quite mild and sunny even with the storm.
Haven’t had to make any more calls to Samaritans or Cruse but when I have one of my bad days I will ring them .
Wishing you a peaceful weekend and to Suzanne and Tina too
Best wishes
Neil x
1 Like
Hi Neil,
Hope you get to your show tomorrow 
Have a good night and weekend and let us know what you think of the production
Blessings to you all,
Suzanne x
1 Like
Hi Suzanne
I go Sunday this week. Will post in the evening .
Best wishes x
1 Like
Hi Neil,
It’s lovely to hear from you and glad your doing ok. Me and Porscha were watching the ferocious winds in the garden while I was sewing. I think getting a decent nights sleep really balances me out. Still got upset but had a productive day. Doesn’t mean anything other than I find some refuge in physically achieving something. I’m making Indian panels to hang from the curtain pelmet. I’ve been photographing and making notes for a ‘how to make’ as I go for my online magazine blog. Mam didn’t read my blogs. I don’t know why. There was always a reason not to. She would have enjoyed them, even just looking at the pics. I stopped telling her in the end. I think maybe she just didn’t like the technology. But every card I made her from my postcard images were kept in her bedside cabinet. I was so upset. I should have sent her more. It’s realising everything I should or could have done and I’m too late now. I’ll leave it there because I’m getting upset again.
Have a good weekend and I hope the transport is back on in time for you to get to your show. I really admire you having the strength to continue doing what you love. I know our loved ones would want us to carry on with life and enjoy it but I can’t.
Sending you love xxx
2 Likes
Love to Tina and Suzanne. I can never predict how I will feel or if I’ll be able to post so doing it while I can xxx
Thinking of you Tina x
1 Like
Hi Christine,
Thinking of you too and would really like to see your crafts when you are finished making them.
Hope the winds etc have subsided where you are now as they have up here and now have blue skies.
Write when you feel you can
Suzanne x
Tina,
How are you doing just now? If you’re having a bad couple of days we all understand and would like to help if we can x
Love Suzanne x
1 Like