I’ve read all the posts and seen all your pictures and I really do love to see them all.
I don’t have any plans for today. Would of seen my sister but she’s having to work all day today which is rubbish. Weather is gloomy also. No one seems to be doing anything to celebrate the jubilee around here.
Christine I hope you manage to get in the garden today.
Neil I hope you have a good day today and enjoy yourself. Hopefully you’ll post some pics later?
Tina, I need your eye for a bargain. I hope you’re ok.
Suzanne, I hope you enjoy your first day today.
Debbie and Beki I love the photos of the garden. Being in the garden is a kind of therapy in itself as Christine would also tell you.
I hope today is kind to you all. I’m still in a funk and missing mum a lot at the moment. Scared of what the future holds.
Hi Debbie, Just thought of mam keeping her bacon rind for the birds. Is your baby starlings back? I miss all my birds. It was like having pets. Amused Porscha and the cats from along the doors who love lounging around the pergola because they’re up high. There’s always a leg or two dangling as I’m busy. Going to try to do some bulbs at the side of house and see if the creep starts lurking. It’s his mate on the other side of him too. Every time I step foot outside the door I hear her dogs when she comes out into her garden. Don’t know whether its to intimidate. It’s like she’s doing it on behalf of him because I’ll report him. What is wrong with people? I just want to enjoy my garden like Monty. Do you watch Gardner’s World. I always think 'Why do I bother? My garden doesn’t look like that! I know he has a team to do the work and its all tip top condition but even so. Only a few of my plants have any flowers. Don’t think I’ll get any more plug plants. Think a greenhouse is needed to grow them on. It’s always so wonderful seeing other peoples gardens, especially the trees and lush foliage. I try to have a mix. Beki’s space is amazing. I could imagine sitting in that dark overgrown bit in the trees in the summer heat. Mam used to make real lemonade. A mix of tart to make you wince and sweet sugar to make all your teeth fall out! How I miss it. Might get some just to remind me of her.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nic,
I’m scared all the time. Has there been any progress on the hubby situation? Mams leaving has destroyed whatever spark I had left for life. My garden is my comfort in feeling close to her and when I can’t I’m just left hanging. A mix between feeling numb and utter despair and panic. She feels such a long way away. I can’t even talk to family because they have abandoned me. I wish my sister up north lived closer. I feel really stuck in asking my niece if she wants to do something. I imagine going swimming or to a park and just don’t have the physical energy or motivation to make it happen. I’ve hidden away and can’t get back to real life again. Everything seems such a task.
Was hoping the creep would get back to work but he’s not budged. Hoping a fence will stop the intrusion. I’ve been panicking about getting my planting done and then wonder the point of any of it is. I’ve been working in a frenzy to create a garden which mam will never see and wasn’t really a part of. She helped some but it was mainly me going over to them at the old house. If I could visit the old garden I would maybe have some comfort of the space we shared and worked together. It’s all just a memory now. I miss her so very much.
I’m glad its going to rain. That sounds mean if people are having parties for the J but it was torture hearing how happy everyone was, living life like they hadn’t been touched yet by our sadness. I wonder how little children get through life after losing a parent. Couldn’t comprehend it before. How are the girls? I think the clarity in which they deal with life must be comforting, that honesty and acceptance of losing their mormor. Sorry, I should be more upbeat but I find it so hard to not be overwhelmed. I don’t even see it coming.
Did you see my vision surrounding my makeshift bench at the orchard area (not that my tomato seeds have grown any)? I know its just some old planks but I can imagine sitting amongst the wild flowers with the scent of fruit wafting over me and the bees humming as they look for nectar. I always did have a furtive imagination!
Didn’t realise the bloody binmen are collecting today. Buggar!
What do you have planned? A walk in the woods is always lovely in the rain. I always encouraged the children to forage for finds to take back home for displays like they do in natures corner at school. Haven’t been to the woods in years. Don’t know why I stopped doing things. It was always a fight to get my sister to do anything. I suppose I gave up in the end and stopped trying. The trick is to plan ahead like Neil and never give up.
Lots of love xxx
He’s still going ahead with divorce and is decorating the house around me ready to sell. It’s really distressing and I don’t know what I’ll do if me and the girls can’t stay here. I don’t have the strength or the energy for this right now. I really don’t. Just want to hide away forever.
I did see your vision and it sounds lovely and you can definitely do it and I can’t wait to see the finished project. I’ve not watched any jubilee stuff. I made the girls watch the balcony and fly past though as it’s historic and they should see it. Plus me and mum loved planes as did my gramps so it did bring a tear to my eye watching it. Me and mum loved the red arrows.
I hope we can somehow have a peaceful weekend. Somehow. The girls are ok. Nothing much better phases them really. They send you lots of hugs and kisses.
I understand how you feel @christine51 and I feel guilty as I do have people checking in on me etc but I still feel so utterly alone, scared and just wanting to disappear. At the end of the day I think the problem is No-one can replace or fill in for our missing person.
I think we have to remember other people survive this horrible part of the circle of life and what would our person want for us?
Looking forward to more pictures of your garden. I used to be a keen gardener many years ago but find it very hard to get inspired by it now which is a pain considering the amount I have!!
@nicnic I am so sorry your husband is being such an arse. The energy it takes to face these things at the best of times. So you have a friend who has been through a divorce before and may be able to support you? Maybe go with you to the citizens advice bureau. I think his wanting to sell the house, the girls home is disgraceful
Hi Nic,
Why are you allowing him to decorate the house? He’s taken advantage of you. Don’t let him. He thinks it’s just a matter of time for his plan to come to fruition. Honestly, I cannot imagine a judge allowing the family home to be sold which makes 2 small children homeless. Have you been to citizens advice? Please do not sign anything until you know your options. Think what your mam would advise you to do in this situation. It is appalling behaviour!!! If you have to refuse him entry then so be it. Don’t let him get his own way. I know it’s not straight forward etc but delay everything so you have some breathing space. Adjourn any court dates set. You need legal representation. I wish I could help you.
I had to go back to bed today. Felt awful. I never get migraines but I think that’s what it is. Feel slightly better now but woke up thinking of mam as I always do. It is so upsetting. I’ve never known pain like it.
Think I’ll join Netflix to watch Black Summer. Watched the trailer and it looks good. Wish I had something yummy to chew on. Been living on veg soup, natural yoghurt and fruit smoothies. Would love a fat chunk of coffee and walnut cake. And a Big Mac. Yum
Please stop him decorating. Have you told him you do not want to sell? You must feel very powerless at the mo. Having information and knowing your rights will give you some power back to fight against his selfishness. His parents can’t be thinking of the girls if they support him.
I just Googled and it’s a minefield of information. But I did gleen that if you refuse to sell it can be a very costly business for him through the courts. Would you be entitled to free legal advise if you haven’t returned to work? It’s come at the worst time and he knows it. Selfish doesn’t even cover it. Don’t let him bully you. Keep posting for our support. I cannot imagine a judge would order the sale when small children are involved. You have that on your side.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
I do keep thinking of what mam would say to comfort me but it doesn’t take away that enormous hole. But I do imagine she is with me while I am gardening. It’s upsetting when it hits me again and again that she will never be here, I will never speak to her again or make plans to go over and see her. I can’t share what I’m doing and she would have been so enthusiastic. She was my go to for anything garden based and now I have to Google or refer to the magazines. I wonder what the point has ever been in existing if we just die at the end. Nothing seems worthwhile it I can’t sit doing nothing because that is tearing me apart. It’s a relief to go to sleep each night.
I love the vastness of your garden, especially the trees. You may find me hiding there in the summer to get cool! A swing chair would be wonderful with a little side table for your drink. If you want the day to go swiftly you should get into the garden and start planning and tackling areas now that you have a canvas to work on. I can’t imagine moving away from here and leaving my garden behind. You could start with some roses for your mam. I was saying to Suzanne I have always used J Parkers because mam did. I feel so lost when I’m not able to get out there, even for a wander around. The creep went out earlier but I had to sleep and he’s back.
I really wish I’d been told how horrendous this would be. I could have taken more care of mam, been less involved with myself and whatever I wanted and been there to nurture her. I would have if she was on her own but she had dad so there was no need and I did go over a lot at the old house, pore covid, for years. It’s all the things I could have done and said. Regret and guilt are my new companions, always there to remind me of how special I could have made her life. I know real life isn’t like that but I just want to make hers perfect, to have never argued or been angry about the creep etc. Covid made my agoraphobia worse and I was terrified of giving it to them. So much tragedy. I have to zone out or I’ll get in a real mess again. Going to watch Black Summer
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
On my way back from London. Absolutely brilliant and beautiful ballet . Just been posting messages on Instagram for them all thanking them for a lovely afternoon.
Chaos at Charing Cross station as had to walk half of the Strand and go in the back way which made things worse when there was no need. National Gallery was pretty quiet but Covent Garden was absolutely buzzing.
Sending love to you all and will catch up with your posts soon.
Sending lots of love and best wishes
Neil x
Regret and guilt are utter bastards! And I bet if you asked her right now she wouldn’t even know what you are in about, she adored you.
As mum and I lived together and in the latest years extra caring I had to do, I got tired , ratty, peri menopausal, we would snap at each other at time especially the last weeks but always made up and knew it was nothing more than stress and exhaustion. None of those moments can even dent the tears of unconditional love and I have to remind myself of that.
I found this note she wrote me, can’t remember why but can’t share the picture, my phone pics are being weird but the note says “ you are the best daughter in the world luv mum”
Hi Christine, the baby blackbird has gone and I haven’t feed the birds today so no starlings squabbling. Probably feed them tomorrow.
Toffee used to do that we had a plank on top of the fence and if you walked under it a paw would take swing at you.
I’ve made up my mind definitely going to get another cat but going to wait until I come back from holiday. Going to Padstow with my daughter and family first week of school holidays. Looking forward to it as we will spend a day at Looe beach where we scattered Doug’s ashes last year. When it’s my time I’m going to join him at the same place.
Did you manage to get out in your garden today to get in your bulbs. I do hope you get your fence up soon to keep prying eyes away, that’s the one thing I love about my garden complete privacy. Your right Beki’s garden looks lovely and secluded a safe place to hid away.
Yes I do watch gardening programmes, I haven’t got the art of everything flowering on mass like they do on TV.
Love Debbie X
I know exactly what you mean Beki. I often think back to the last couple of years when I worked full time, looked after Doug and did all the jobs around the house he could no longer do. I don’t know where the energy came from, I often used to cry through tiredness and exhaustion but not anywhere that Doug would be aware. When we married I made vows to love and look after him in sickness and health, and that unconditional love was always there. The day before he died he kept telling me how much he loved me, I think he knew, I’m crying now remembering it.
Sending love Debbie X
Brilliant! So pleased you had a fab time. Looking forward to hearing all about it. Joined Netflix and have binged Black Summer. Really good. Love a zombie scenario
xxx
So glad you had a lovely time in London Neil, I never seen a professional ballet production. Doug told me he went once and fell asleep what a philistine.
One of my granddaughter’s is a dancer, still only 15 just so beautiful and elegant when she does ballet. Just watched her in a local production put on by her dance school.
She is into drama too and loves taking part in pantomimes and other theatre productions. She having signing lesson now so she has the whole package. Very proud grandma and grandad was proud of her too.
Sending love Debbie X
Hi Debbie
I saw my first ballet in 2019 ( Sleeping Beauty) and was hooked. It’s incredible to see it live with the orchestra I also follow the dancers on Insta and they are just so nice. I’ve been messaging a couple since I’ve been home about today’s performance. Another cast are on stage at this moment performing the same ballet.
Trying to get into opera. Seen a few and its winning me over but not like ballet as yet.
London buzzing this afternoon.
One more day of the bank holiday to get through tomorrow.
Hope it’s as good as can be for us all
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Nic, the others are right what an arse. I am sure the family court would protect your right to remain in the family home with your girls.
I haven’t seen much jubilee TV either, the concert is on now but not really watching it.
Supposed to be watching my granddaughter dancing at party in the park tomorrow, I just hope it doesn’t rain heavy. I keep watching the forecast.
Sending love Debbie X
Hiya,
I know I’m just torturing myself but it comes so naturally to me. I’ve always been hard on myself. My therapist says I’ll never find happiness if I’m trying to perfect the past because it’s something that just cannot be done. Everyone has tiffs. Mam knew what it took for me to be there and understood when I couldn’t. I would give anything to be able to talk to her, just for a second. That’s the other thing I do. Plead as a way of getting around grief. It is the most horrible thing that could happen.
At least we aren’t in a zombie apocalypse. It’s really good with short stories of the characters so doesn’t get boring. Forgot I’d started it. It’s £6.99 a month and you can stop anytime. I was looking for a trial but they don’t do it and didn’t want to download some dodgy app off Google. I’ll also watch Rocky Gervais ‘Life after death’ I think it’s called, grieving and not seeing the point in anything. A few have seen it and said it’s good. I have such sore eyes off watching the laptop since lunchtime.
Whatever was said or not said with out mams they knew us better than we do. The essence of our love cannot be diminished with a quarrel. Wish I had something written from mam. I don’t know why she didn’t write everyone letters. But then she didn’t know. It was all so quick.
What have you been up to? Been quiet here, which I’m glad. I’m such a party pooper but just couldn’t stand hearing people enjoying themselves. Just one more day to get through and then it won’t seem so bad. It will, but the emphasis won’t be on parties and enjoying ourselves because mams aren’t here.
Glad Neil enjoyed his day. Hope Suzanne spotted a badger.
Lots of love xxx
@christine51…first day volunteering went amazing and it is actually so sunny and hot up here very few animals were out until later but saw red squirrels, woodpeckers, deer and of course the ospreys. There were people paddle boarding in the Loch so the rangers had to go tell them it was illegal and basically to bugger off lol x there were rogue ospreys from another nest trying to get at the chicks so there was a battle there…all chicks fine …a great afternoon and back up there next Sat so will see what I bcan see then x
@Tina19…aren’t you the Queen of bargains?? x I kinda agree with Christine…why does your brother care so much what you spend your money on?? But I also understand that it’s often not worth it to tell them so sometimes better for your ears that they don’t know half of what goes on…is that fair lol x. Your roses are beautiful and can’t wait to see them planted and also now I want strawberries but need to go to a farm shop as the supermarket ones are crap lol x
@NEILB72…you sound like you had a great day and love the photos as always. How did you enjoy the Picasso event? He’s never been a favourite of mine…I’m a Monet gal lol…but if it was there and had a membership then I too would probably went too x have you had something nice for tea to round the day off? Haven’t heard anything about the Derby but I’m not a great fan of horse racing or just horses in general tbh x
@nicnic…hope you get a break from that rain and can sit on the bench. Have you arranged babysitting so you can go see the new Jurassic Park film? x
I agree with Christine (yet again lol) but wait til you speak to a solicitor as I can’t see how anyway would or could enforce someone to sell a family home against their will especially when there are young children involved. I’m no lawyer and don’t want to you false hope but I don’t want you thinking it’s all doom and gloom either…the universe usually has a way of taking care of things that I do believe x
@Beki… Black Summer after about episode two was just background noise for me so don’t feel too bad x
What a fantastic big garden you have and I so wish my neighbour was as helpful as yours…my ones round here are just chancing gits lol x what are your plans for the garden now that space has been opened up?
I’ve been looking at arbour seats for my corner of the garden but the price of them are just stupid and not gonna pay it. May just get a wee gazebo and some chairs that sit in that but I’m thinking I may wait til summer is nearly over and get a bargain then. My friend paid over £550 for a hot tub cause she just couldn’t wait…now down to about £350 and she’s raging lol x
@Debbie57…glad your granddaughter got to dance (although I was convinced it was tomorrow ) and did you all proud. My mum loved Cornwall and once had to drive from Perth to Newquay on my own as we had booked a £9.50 Sun holiday in a caravan…the caravan was a tip but the scenery was breathtaking. Took mum down to the Eden Project last year (I think) cause it was a place she always wanted to go to. So one day we were down in Glastonbury I told her to get in the car and went for a drive…so glad we did now as was a great day x
Hope everyone has a pleasant evening and look forward to hearing all your plans tomorrow x
Hi Debbie,
You must be so proud of her! I loved my ballet but gave it up when I started gymnastics. Wish I’d kept it going. I still have my little ballet slippers and always decorated the xmas tree or mantlepiece with them. Captures childhood. I miss being a child. I hope she follows her dream and goes on to do wonderful things.
Been watching Black Summer for hours. Filled in another whole day. Have you done anything nice? Creep went out but I had to sleep and he came back anyway so wouldn’t have been out for long.
Going to see what is on tv for the evening. I’ve managed to avoid all things Jubilee. Feel like I’m missing out by not seeing the festivities but it’s too close to mams absence for me to even try.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina, I love a bargain, we have a shop near us that sells garden plants at a reasonable prices. I love roses, I usually wait until they are on sale as can be very expensive.
I’m glad you enjoyed your walk in the rain, what has your brother got against a nice garden. You carry on planting and making your garden nice in your mum’s memory.
Sending love Debbie X
but going to wait until I come back from holiday. Going to Padstow with my daughter and family first week of school holidays. Looking forward to it as we will spend a day at Looe beach where we scattered Doug’s ashes last year. When it’s my time I’m going to join him at the same place.
…a great afternoon and back up there next Sat so will see what I bcan see then 
