Hi Tina
Thank you . I didn’t think I would get into the spirit of the jubilee but the amount of people in Covent Garden with smiles on their faces I couldnt helped but feeling lifted. Now at home of course thinking of Mum
Hope your Sunday will be as good as possible
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
Cause it belongs to Scottish Wildlife Trust it has ‘summer’ and ‘winter’ opening hours for the public and paid employees but not sure tbh how it works with the volunteers…didn’t think to ask if I’m honest lol x
Cigarette butts on a carpet?? Is he a damn animal lol x
Better get to work but will answer more later x
Have a good day to you all 
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I wish I had something like that from mam. I photographed special cards but its not the same as being able to hold it. Glad the J is nearly over. Torrential rain woke me up during the night. Creep at home so won’t get into the garden. Another day of Black Summer and doing the washing I suppose. Feel so cut off from living.
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Hi Tina,
Always lovely to hear from you. I’ve avoided J tv and hid away with the blinds down watching zombie films to drown out the noise of celebrations in the street. Feel like a rebelious teenager. I know what mam would be saying, trying to coax me out of my bedroom to join in. Haven’t heard from anyone so don’t know if they are partying. I should imagine so. I still cannot understand how my dad can cut me off like that. I spoke to my therapist and he has never heard of any clients being treated like that. Parents usually allow for grief in their children, especially ones with anxiety. We were never close but I really did make the effort. Mam would b so very hurt and trying to comfort me. There’s nobody on my side in any of this. I’m close to tears the whole time over mam and confused about everything else. I just don’t want to wake up in the morning and drag myself through another day.
I was sitting with Porscha on a cushion at the back door and we enjoyed watching the garden in the rain. There are so many jobs I could do very easily if the creepy bollock (that’s how I refer to him) wasn’t here. I dread his retirement. He doesn’t go anywhere. I’m very careful too about what I say because he listens to everything. He’s such a weirdo he’s probably recording me. Planning on getting a fence up at the hedge so it will block his view but I’ve asked the council to tell him not to cut down the boundary foliage. I hate living like this. Watching the garden I had a spark of optimism but it soon left knowing I wouldn’t be getting out there today.
I totally get that feeling of being at the churchyard. That’s what I’m frightened of if I scatter mam at the secret gate, that rather than a comfort it will be a constant upset of what has happened. I can’t imagine I’ll ever move from here so she will always be with me in the garden. She loved fairies so I’ll decorate that bit. It will be like she’ll be playing with them, getting up to mischief while I’m working away. I wish I had a private garden like Monty Don. Love his potting up shed! Wish I didn’t have any neighbours to watch what I’m doing. If they were nice people I would welcome the company but they are horrendous. Just remembered I need to paint the panels surrounding the shed door so it stands out from afar. I can see it from the house windows.
I really don’t know how you put up with your brothers behaviour. I do remember that comedy and he is far worse. I would gather up his fag butts off the carpet and scatter them in his bed. Be prepared for a massive tantrum and tell him it will keep happening for as long as you find them. He’s such an arsehole! So disrespectful to you but also to your mam. What would she say to him? Bet he wouldn’t have dared do that when she was here. My sister said she felt free when mam left. I didn’t understand what that meant. Seems she and dad are able to get away with not caring and having to pretend to be nice. There’s no one to tell them off. Don’t feel worthless. You aren’t Your mam will be so disappointed in your brother and see that you are trying to maintain the house despite his attitude. Be proud of yourself that you even bother because I certainly wouldn’t be cleaning up after him.
Might try doing an Amazon shop for later today. So tired of veg soup and walnuts. Whatever you do or don’t do today just know that you aren’t doing it alone. We are all here with you. Doesn’t take away the feelings but you know you can reach out and someone will be here. It does help me.
Lots of love xxx
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Just wanted to say, someone who says you are controlling just wants to get their own way. Its a defensive thing of attacking you and diverting attention away from him.
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Hi all
This is the Royal Ballet lead cast from yesterday. Two of these I have been fortunate to have met and a couple more I chat to regularly and have been very kind over the last few months. Really lovely people.
Nice happy pic!
Love to all
Neil x
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Hi Tina
I know it’s going to be exceptionally hard but I think you need to make a visit to the doctors and get y out r thyroid checked. Grief is hard, and physically hard so any other issue is multiplied. I am not saying getting your thyroid balanced will make everything better but it may give you just 5% more energy which in our current state will make a difference
We are in that whirlwind of not everything being grief nor everything being physical ailments, new or old.
I am really good at giving this advice and not taking it of course!!
Much love, hope today is being kinder to you x
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Amazing photos Neil…they all look so happy and ever the performers xx
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Just incase anyone needs a bit of cuteness today x
This wee one needs a new home hence the photo but I think if I took it Cal would try eat this one too 
x
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After thinking i did well getting out of bed at 12.30pm I took to the sofa, watching Poirot and then I was waking up 3.5hrs later 
Does anyone else watch Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing. It’s really nothing to do with fishing, more them talking about their life and being daft. It’s so affirming and men should be prescribed it on the nhs!
June and I’ve had the heating on today 
Hope everyone has had a kind Sunday
Beki x
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Hi Suzanne
What a cutie. I do love small animals. Hamsters, mice,gerbils anything like that. So sweet.
Yes the dancers radiate happiness and that is why my heart fills with joy when I see them , even if only for a day .
I actually had a lovely reply from Meaghan ( second left) earlier today thanking me for my support as she knows what a bad time it’s been for me. She’s a lovely person.
Got another show next weekend and will post about it later on in the week.
Bank holiday nearly over and noticeably quite chilly this evening.
Hope you have a peaceful evening
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I can see how their positivity can rub off on you and they all look radiant x
That was so nice of her to not only take the time out of her schedule but also to remember your hard times…reaffirms that there are some amazing souls still out there 
x
Thank heavens that’s the Bank holiday weekend nearly done even if it’s just so I can get my mail lol x
Think we must have all the hot weather up here still as it’s roasting up here still and like Beki said not needed any heating today 
x
Have a pleasant evening and does your counselling resume this week? xx
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Hi everyone,
We’ve made it the bank holiday is over.
Bit disappointed today as the weather has been awful, party in the park was cancelled so didn’t get to see my granddaughter dancing. They are going rearrange the big lunch in August, hopefully the weather will be better.
I’ve had to have my heating on too Beki, it’s been very chilly.
Lovely cute hamster pic Suzanne. If you enjoy your volunteering, you might get lucky and be taken on as permanent staff.
I can’t believe your brother Tina, dropping cigarette ends on the carpet, he must be very self centered, or full of his own self importance.
The butterfly wind charm are solar lights, I got them on the first anniversary of Doug dying, they hang over an area deciated to him where I also have a small amount of his ashes scattered. The wooden wind charm I got on our last holiday together in Sherringham.
Great pictures of the ballet cast Neil, hope today has been okay for you after yesterday’s trip out.
Did you get your online Amazon order done Christine, hope you were able to get out into the garden today.
Hope you and the girls are Okay Nic.
I went to council of churches joint Pentecost service with my daughter this evening, last minute decision. Glad I went, I met up with a couple of old friends I hadn’t seen for a while. Both asked about how I was managing and wanted to talk about Doug. Going to meet up very soon for coffee.
My youngest Granddaughter text me tonight and said, when are we back to school grandma. She was so disappointed when I said tomorrow. She goes to the same school I work at, bless her not a great fan of school.
Speak to you all tomorrow, soon time for bed as I have to be up at six, still only 18 months until I retire, not that I’m counting.
Hope the new week is better for you all.
Love Debbie X
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Hi Suzanne
Yes counselling resumes tomorrow morning. Since my last session I had some really bad days but for the most part of this week have felt not too bad so see how long that lasts.
It’s now pouring with rain here. Strange how it waited until the jubilee celebrations before it started chucking it down. Saw Cliff on there and turned it off as thought of Mum straight away. Might start me off again.
Speak again soon
Have a good night
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine
It’s all such a mess isn’t it. Your Sister being funny with you, your Dad barely speaking with you. It’s like some kind of “before” and “after” world isn’t it. The saddest part is that if you’d been brought up in a bad environment, you’d have had nothing to lose and would have known no different but because all of this behaviour is alien to you it’s many “losses” rolled into one. Loss really does have the capability to change people beyond all recognition and it’s so very sad. It’s probably not even their fault at the heart of it. But is so hard and lonely.
I ventured out to the Asda today but on my way back I saw one of the carer’s and it kind of upset me again. Luckily they don’t speak to me so I didn’t have to have a conversation. It will be Amazon shopping for me again next time as I can’t keep bumping into people I’d rather not. I know you make your own soup but if you ever have a lazy day you should try Morrisons Chicken Curry Soup. It’s so thick and spicy and you’d think it was a Heinz rather than an own branded label.
It sounded really nice sitting by the door hearing the rain with Porcha. There’s something soothing about rainfall isn’t there. Especially Summer rainfall. At least it will save you a job with the hose or watering can.
I really can’t work out why no one has had a street party round here. Normally everyone is out having a BBQ at the slightest bit of sun, but nothing at all. Not that I’m complaining. Not even seen the news today.
Had spells of tears again today. Don’t know if it’s because the ability to fool myself with distractions is wearing thin and reality is bearing down heavily or what but it’s hard to manage the bad feelings. I think we are all a bit that way sometimes aren’t we.
Funny you should mention putting the cigarette ends in my brothers bed because in the past I have done that but there weren’t that many at that point and he never said anything. If I did that now it would be a different story. It’s just utterly soul destroying to to find ash and cigarette ends on the floor, on surfaces, on food prep surfaces, the sink etc. It’s not how we were brought up and it’s that part of it that makes me sad. Tomorrow I’ll have to be scrubbing the pink lounge carpet as I know he’s put mud all over it and Mum loved that room. I know it seems petty but I see it as an erosion of Mums presence and a disrespect of how she felt of that lovely room. I’m so upset now again just thinking of it and the tears are falling down.
I’m sorry Christine I think I have made my post all about me, that’s not really very good. If I didn’t speak on this forum I wouldn’t speak anywhere.
Hope things are better for you tomorrow. It’s a new working week and your neighbour will be out and I bet you can’t wait to be in the garden. I can visualize how enthusiastic you just be feeling at the thought of a bit of freedom.
Much love. xx
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Hello to all.
That’s a lovely photo Suzanne, yes it is cute. Do you think you’d accept a job at the sanctuary if one was to become available and give yours up. It seems a nice environment. It would be no good for me, I’d be forever in tears if an animal/bird got sick or injured. Can’t even watch Paul O Grady’s Battersea show!
You always seem so relaxed and at peace when you are with your performer people Neil. I think it’s all too easy to live within your own head and become self-focussed. That’s a nice way of putting it in my case as being alone with my own company is turning me into a right bitter soul at times. You must be looking forward (not the right word I know) to counselling and getting some of the weight of your troubles off your shoulders for a bit. Hope it goes well.
Beki, yes you are definitely right, I do need to go to the Surgery. Last time I went was when I had Covid jab and I’d had to run down quick while Mum was settled. I think that’s getting to me but my self-care is basically zero at the moment. You aren’t mad having the central heating on. Would you believe I have got a hot water bottle with me! That must sound so sad but ai think it’s as much as a “comfort blanket” as anything else. What a state to get in.
The chimes / lights really do look lovely and the setting looks so serene, no wonder it’s such a special place Debbie. There’s also something so freeing about being in an open space. I lost my Husband in 2016 and I never really did anything like a garden space so I might have a think about doing something. The thing is, he didn’t really care for plants, he’d be more interesting in the sun bathing so I’m not sure it would be a good idea!
Nic I hope you are well and getting some quiet time without stress or worry for a bit.
Christine, I sent a reply before I sent this so it should come up before this one.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is kinder to us all.
Much love xxx
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I’m always mesmerised by a man in tights !
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Too cute! I’d love to crawl in there with him and stay forever in that pink glow. Think he’d be quite bossy though. The cuteness conceals a darkness you can only discover when he’s already got you pinned in the corner (don’t think a ball has corners). Can you tell how relieved I am now that the celebrations are over and done with?
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Hi Beki,
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve been in bed or on it under a blanket most of the long weekend. Binged seasons 1 and 2 of Black Summer. Waiting for 3. Will start on Z Nation next. I did feel better for getting out in the garden to dig up bulbs (drying them out for next Spring because they’ll rot in their pots). So relieved to get that done. Also transplanted plants for the top garden and finished potting on my geraniums and got lobelia into 2 hanging baskets. The creep was out and within 10 mins of me being out there he was back. But couldn’t watch me at the side of the house. So I’ll make that my potting up area.
Feeling very stuffed on cheese and ham buns with crisps and icecream for afters. Been eating just soup for ages. Reminded me of making sandwiches for celebrations, in the kitchen with mam. Just made me really upset because she had stopped eating and I didn’t know. Why didn’t she tell me and why didn’t I see it was happening?
I’ve seen that Gone Fishing while flicking channels. It’s very therapeutic, like the craft documentaries showing the skills of each artist (wood, metal etc). There’s a real comfort in repetition and traditional techniques. My textiles are a mash of traditional skills using recycled materials including plastics, metal, bubblewrap… I want to get back into it but will finish the garden first. I think that’s why I feel so lost. Creating is the essence of who I am. I can’t just watch zombie films forever. But then I wonder what the point is if the end result is that I will die. Soz, I was feeling ok and it’s hit me again.
I have my heating on every night. Have to or the washing won’t dry.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
I think it’s great that you know some of the dancers and they are really lovely. So relieved the weekend is over with now. I feel quite guilty not having even watched a bit of the celebrations. I just couldn’t without mam being here.
Got into the garden and rescued bulbs, repotted plants and got bigger plants repotted for transplanting into the garden border. The creep was back within 10 mins of me being out there but I was at the side of house so he couldn’t watch me. Got quite a bit done and felt so much better for it. The garden seems to be a magic tonic for me. It’s going to rain most of this week so hoping to get out there between showers.
Lots of love xxx
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