Hi Debbie,
That’s a real shame that the party in the park was cancelled. It stopped raining for most of the afternoon here (north London) so I was able to get out into the garden to do my bulbs and repot plug plants and prep larger plants for the border. It’s going to rain most of the week so will have to dash out between showers.
That is wonderful to meet up with old friends who actually want to chat about Doug. Because my dad and sister are ignoring me I can’t chat about mam and my sister up north is always too busy with work and didn’t text back. I think chatting and recalling happy memories is really important to keep them with us. I’m terrified of forgetting things about her.
I thought of getting some solar fairies for mams secret garden / gate. Still can’t decide on whether I should have mam there or in my egg at the shrine. Whatever I do will be distressing. This is so hard. I felt relieved that the weekend was over and I could go back to just getting through one day at a time. But it never ends. I treated myself to some ice cream in my shopping and then felt so guilty eating it because I remembered mam had stopped eating and I didn’t know that the pain in her stomach was gall bladder cancer. I don’t know how much pain she was in. She hid it from us. Probably hid it from herself because she’d go to bed instead of calling the GP. I’ve been living on soup and smoothies because eating reminds me of mam not being able to eat.
It’s so sad that the grand children don’t have their grandma. I like that you are a ‘grandma’. You will be so precious to them.
What will you do in your retirement? I think keeping busy is key with some sort of fitness. Do you enjoy swimming? Getting out for walks in the woods and parks, meeting a friend for coffee etc will make you want to get out of bed in the morning. I wish I could do those things. Feel like I’ve left it too long now to ask my niece if she wants to do something. And also I can’t guarantee that I’ll not get upset. She’s a lovely girl. Doing her A levels. I remember being that age. Very headstrong!
Will be thinking of you with all the children bustling about at lunchtime. I hated school but was very competative and a real swot! I remember mam helping me with my cross stitch for the family tree sampler when I was 9. I always meant to do an updated version for mam with the grand children but never got it done. I always feel like I’m running out of time and it makes me panic. Now I’m just waiting and not doing anything but don’t know what I’m waiting for, but can’t settle to actually do any work. I wish mam hadn’t left me behind. I would still join her if I could. I just want her to come back, that none of this is real and I’ll wake up like on Dallas.
Lots of love xxx
That’s why I’ve avoided watching any of it. Cannot even think about Cliff. She adored him. Relieved it’s over.
Hi Tina,
I’m so relieved that the Jubilee is over and can just concentrate on getting through each day as it comes. I feel quite guilty that I didn’t see it but I just couldn’t. Neil mentioned about Cliff singing. Mam loved him. It’s like I can’t enjoy anything because mam’s not here to enjoy it. I only made an effort with family things and celebrations because of mam. She encouraged me to make that effort. I just find life really hard and without her it’s unbearable. I totally understand about the carpet. I would be the same. I have mams table cloths and fine napkins in my loft. I don’t have a table but will decorate the tables outside in the summer. It’s those traditions of an era which will be lost after I go. Mam was so very traditional. Your brother really has no respect at all for anyone including himself. Whatever he does just concentrate ion what you are doing for your mam because that’s what she would be focusing on if she were with you. I often think of your mam when I’m sitting at the kitchen door with Porscha. She’s very small but likes her space and hogs most of the cushion. Sometimes I will do one of mams puzzle books. I could never understand the logic puzzles she loved and now I’ve cracked it it’s my fave but I can’t tell her.
I did get into the garden but stayed out of sight at the side of the house. Creep had gone out and returned 10 mins later because I saw his van. But I did manage to sort my bulbs, finish potting on the geraniums, created hanging baskets with the lobelia, repotted plants for the top bed and sorted larger plants also to be replanted. I’ll make that space my potting up area and general dumping ground because it can’t be seen from the windows and it’s tucked away. Sheltered for growing plants on. Felt so much better for getting out.
I treated myself to ice cream and then felt really upsetting thinking of mam with the pains in her stomach and not eating and losing so much weight. I get pains now when I eat and wonder if I’ve got the same. It’s probably just stress. I do put a lot of spices in the veg soup. Should really get a scan to check it out.
Tina, never feel like you can’t post about what you are feeling. That’s what the point of this is. I always love to hear how you are doing and think of you often. We are on the same wavelength as the saying goes.
You are so right about there being a before and after mam. She would be amazed at the turmoil because she isn’t here to keep everyone in check. I didn’t realise just how dysfunctional we are without her. And it’s true that this is all shocking to me. I never could have imagined dad would discard me like that. He is the one who is difficult to deal with and everyone agrees. I was the one to stand up for him saying that he is a grown man and can make his own decisions about having help from the carers. And I am the one he has turned on. So that runs alongside my loss of mam. It’s all so distressing.
I treated myself to ice cream and then got very upset because I remembered mam being in pain and not being able to eat. I don’t want to eat because she couldn’t. I also had sandwiches and crisps and that was upsetting because I used to help make the butties. I get in such a panic that I can’t breathe when it hits me that she’s gone. Like I never knew it had happened. I could never have imagined how bad this was going to be. I really do wish I could be with her. And if not then just not be on this rollercoaster. It’s too much to bear at times. If I didn’t have Porscha I might not wake up. I’m finding it as hard as I found it when I first knew. It hasn’t got any easier. The garden is a distraction to get me through the day. It’s all I have now. I miss her so much.
Can’t believe I’m still awake at 3.15am. Will catch up again tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie
Yesterday wasnt too bad for me but couldnt watch the pageant as Cliff was there. Someone posted a pic of him with Basil Brush so stayed off social media for the rest of the day.
Hope this week will be kind to us all
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Christine
I’m relieved it’s over too. If I hadn’t of gone out Saturday I wouldn’t have had an invite anywhere or even a phone call or message from anyone. Obviously my friend phones me every Wednesday and I keep in touch with him on Twitter too. Everyone else , especially ones I considered good friends , since Mum is not here, dont seem to want to know.
Counselling returning a bit later. Went out and got some shopping really early this morning in the rain but always do that when I have counselling as afterwards I like to reflect and have a quiet day.
Hope your day is as good as can be
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Just seen your post about a man in tights Christine. That’s Cesar Corrales . He was the first dancer I met a few years ago. First time I’ve seen him perform for a while. He’s very dynamic on stage and not surprisingly is very popular with the ladies 
x
Hi Neil,
I’m relieved its over, nothing from anyone so it’s like I don’t exist, but woke up really upset this morning. Think I was so focused on ignoring the celebrations that I wasn’t focused on mam and then she was all that was left afterwards. Woke up crying. Then got a text from the council that the men were coming to repair the outside wall (cementing the roofline and any brickwork). Never got ready so quick in my life! They’re here now. Always makes me anxious. Mam would come over to be with me. Have to just get on with it now.
You are very lucky to have such a good friend. I don’t understand why friends stop being there for you. I’m sure you’ve been very good to them. I don’t know what they’re so frightened of. It will happen to them and they’ll remember how they’ve treated you. Kindness and compassion seems to be very thin on the ground and I don’t know why.
I think keeping busy before and then having quiet reflection after your session is the ideal balance. It will keep you grounded and get you through the week. Losing our mams leaves us with such a lonely existence. I am baffled by my own family.
Having your ballet and gallery visits will also keep you balanced. Without some form of enjoyment or fulfilment we have very little to keep us going. And being able to chat with the dancers on social media is just wonderful. Real connections with real people uplifts us. I wish I had that too. Have my therapist tomorrow but apart from that won’t see anyone or speak to anyone. I always feel better when I’m there but my world outside of that is longing for and missing my mam. Don’t want to cry as the builders are here.
Hope you have a good session.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
I’ve avoided seeing any of the celebrations. Mam adored Cliff and even thinking about him brings tears. I was so upset I woke up crying today with the full force of mams leaving and knowing that my family don’t care at all about me. Not even a text. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I was woken up with a text saying the builders would be round this morning to do the work on the outside wall. They didn’t turn up Friday and I complained. Never got ready so quick! They still haven’t started the work after being here half an hour. Drives me mad when people drag their feet.
Do you find the routine of your school helps you get through the day? I’m hoping the creep will go to work soon so I can get in the garden though it’s drenched. Can put some arches together and have a tidy up if nothing else. I feel so trapped indoors and being trapped means that all I think about is mam and going over everything in my head. It’s tearing me apart. I know I have all of you lovelies in here but if I could share memories of mam and just talk about her it might help. I was saying to Neil I really don’t understand my family at all. Mam dies so I am cut off. Makes no sense. I know dad is an angry difficult person anyway and this has happened because I won’t put up with his nonsense. Mam did her whole life and I kept telling her she didn’t have to. I’d rather be alone than live like that, which is why I do. But it is so lonely without my mam.
Don’t want to start crying with the men here so will go for now. Hope all those children lift your spirits. Your 18 months left will go very quickly.
Lots of love xxx
I can see why he’s so popular! Beautiful man. I’m always in awe of the dedication it takes to achieve that level of perfection.
Men still haven’t started the work. Driving me mad! Anxious for them to do it and be gone .
Hope your session goes well. x
Granddad just phoned to say he is setting off. The drive is about 2-2.5hrs. Will be pleased when he is here safely and have a cuddle
This week will be tough. There is a big music festival next to my village Mum and I used to go to. Being able to here it, seeing friends post about it will no doubt feel very painful. Grandad is staying till Friday and the. A friend said she will pop over and we will plan stuff for the weekend.
@christine51 try to think of the council workers as another tv channel! A really bad episode of DIY SOS!
Going to try and do some work today
Wishing everyone well xx
Beki
Hi Beki,
They arrived at about 10.30 and still haven’t started working. Need scaffolding, even though I am in a bungalow. They have 4 hours left. Driving me mad because I am anxious and have to deal with it myself. Mam always did this for me. I’d be with her or at my sisters. Makes me miss her and I don’t want to cry so trying to keep busy.
Bet your grandad is really looking forward to staying with you. You are lucky. It will be lovely to have company.
The festival at the weekend will be hard and totally remind you of your mam not being here to enjoy it. I didn’t go to festivals and wish I had when I was younger. Couldn’t deal with the toilet situation so never tried to go Glastonbury. I have ocd about being clean so you can imagine how stressful that would be! Your friend is very thoughtful to come over for the weekend. Maybe a quiet trip out to some woods or park to get away from the overwhelming bustle of the festival.
Pleased to have made it through the long weekend. I gorged on Black Summer and am waiting for the third series on Netflix. Wished I’d joined ages ago. So much better than Amazon Prime. Will start on Z Nation.
You are good getting back to starting work. I keep getting newsletters from various artists I follow and am so envious of their exhibitions and new projects but can’t force myself to start working myself. I have unfinished pieces which wouldn’t take long to do and photograph as I go to create a blog but I just can’t do it. My drive has done. I was defined by my work and now I just feel really lost. It was always a struggle to put in the hours and see my parents. Now it just doesn’t mean anything to me. Without mam I wonder what the point of anything is. I know artists use their work as a form of therapy but it would feel like I was getting back to real life and leaving mam behind. And I can’t do that. She is too precious to me. I love her too much to crack on like she never happened.
They’re starting work now so will check on them. Love a diy tv show, renovating houses etc. Sarah Beeny is doing a new one soon.
Enjoy being with your grandad and say hi from me. He’ll be happy you have a circle of friends here who support and love you. So pleased you joined us. And I love that you are an artist. And didn’t you say you have a caravan in the garden for work? I am so jel!
Lots of love xxx
Granddad has arrived safely and I shall head j to home office to try and get some work done. Maybe after another hug 🫂
@christine51 give the builders daft names in your head - Billy big bum or Malcolm Moustache man.
What art do you do? I do fused glass and hope to get some energy to do that or invite people to come and do some with me.
Whereabouts in the country are you? Wondering if any of us are near each other though I also appreciate some people would rather keep their privacy etc. I am in the East Midlands near Derby
Originally I am from North Yorkshire and that is where Granddad still lives.
Sending a big hug! A hug for everyone (that’s what I am really missing as I am a buggy person)
Love, Beki
Hey @christine51 I have Matilda the craft caravan!
She only cost me £200 and then I rejigged some areas inside. She is an old 80s box shape - perfect. Where the toilet was is now where the kiln was. The kitchen is now shelves f storage. Loads of cupboard storage and the seating end is perfect for working at. Mum and I had many a happy time in there together and alone. Mum took up fused glass after her Mum died and she couldn’t believe her Mum didn’t know about Matilda etc and I think its because she did and does know. They are around in some form of energy or not.
In your art could you put in a subtle nod to your Mum, like a secret dot or shape?
Evening everyone
Just checking in with you all. Another counselling session for me today.
Will be checking all the posts later
Sending love to you all x
Photo of today was a visiting duck at the work front door so of course had to feed and water her lol x
Fantastic 
x
Because Granddad is here I managed to do some work, just knowing someone else in the house was lovely. And it’s made me make a meal tonight and I’ve actually eaten.
Now I am pinned down by Pippin!
Beki x
Hi Beki,
Great news that your grandad has arrived. I think just having someone there will give you a much needed boost.
I was inspired to start some work just knowing that you were going to. I create textile wall hangings using traditional methods of applique, patchwork, embellishment with hand embroidered poetry to add a layering of emotional poetry. I learnt a huge amount from mam and then had great teachers at school. My theme is recycling materials but I also use plastics. I have two bodies of work - The Natural Collection and The Womanhood Collection. I used my experience of breast cancer as a starting point for the womanhood series. Still have to revamp my websites but here they are :
ma9798.wixsite.com/ccunningham-woman)
There’s links to the galleries from each site and mrxstitch magazine.
So I’m amazed I’ve made a start. Just preparing panels for quilting but it was easier than I thought it would be. I’ve been avoiding it.
I’m from North London but originally a Geordie. Moved south with parents many moons ago. We used to visit Yorkshire quite a bit when I was growing up. Had family with a farm near Thirsk I think. Loved making camps in the barns. So dangerous though crossing ladders between hay bales right up in the ceilings. Such lovely memories.
Builders did a good job but have to come back to collect the scaffolding tomorrow. Lovely blokes. They always are. I always tell them about the creep drilling out the loft wall and climbing into my house through the ceiling hatch and you can see the shock on their face as they process what he has done. I will not be quiet about it. And of course the creep arrived back when the men were here and I didn’t know and was putting together an arch in the garden. Had to leave it half way through which was annoying. So the outside repairs are done and will get the inside loft done next week I think. So annoying but at least they are rampaging through my loft like last summer. You can’t even imagine the noise they make. I couldn’t sleep for them.
Enjoy your time with grandad. Just what you need I’m sure.
Lots of love xxx
Can you post a pic of Matilda? Love to see it. My bungalow is great for working in at home. I converted the whole loft into storage but if I got proper lighting up there it would be a fab workroom. Have all my fabrics sorted into plastic storage so I can just go to what I need. I usually sit sewing at the back of house overlooking the garden until I discovered the creep was climbing on his garden bin to watch me through the window above the fence I had put up! This is a grown man of over 6 foot. He has dinted his plastic garden bin doing it with his weight. I have since raised the height with trellis and plastic sheeting to stop his view.
Oh to go camping again. We had a caravan when I was young and then we got the family tent. I did a textile of a caravan. I used to hide my fags in the old caravan we kept on the drive when I was 11. Loved sitting in there when it was raining. Proper seventies thing. Loved it. When we moved south and the family was grown up dad got a boat and we’d have many holidays exploring different waterways. I’ve considered getting a barge or narrow boat to live on but I’d be stranded on my own if the engine went. Don’t think Porscha would take to it very well. She’s not that adventurous.
If you look at my shrine pics I did a lot of tags which captures the essence of mam. Will create a textile for her using those labels, to be hand embroidered with a patchwork surround. Do it as a bespoke piece of work so I can take orders.
Are you going to Barcelona in Sep? It could be something to focus on. I’m full of well intentioned advice but not great at doing any of it myself. The grief is so overwhelming at times I can barely catch my breath when I’m having a panic because the reality hits and I’m knocked sideways again.
Enjoy your time together.
Lots of love xxx
You did do well getting it for £200. I’ve seen shipping containers being converted too into working studios. Very trendy. Where is Matilda? Is she in the garden?
Beautiful x