Cruel life

This life is so cruel this last 18mths has been so bad I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 18mths ago


Hi @Oscar

I don’t know what to say, except I’m nearly 7 months in, that’s 11 months less than you. My husband of 18 years died in my arms last September.

We thought I was the sickie of the family. I’d have late stage ovarian cancer 11 years ago, I have fibromyalgia and cervical myelopathy - a wonky spine - diagnosed early 2020 - which requires urgent surgery, because otherwise I risk paralysis.

Then Jim developed a range of puzzling symptoms, which we guessed were neurological and also inflammatory, I was scared of MND - the closest we could get was myasthenia graves. He actually had a brain stem glioma.

As I said, he died last year. But at least he was at home, with me, and our dogs. I loved and still love him more than words can ever say, but I am alive and so are our dogs. It’s the dogs and my faith in God - a personal choice - that has enabled me to survive.

With the help of a few close friends, my GPs, a community mental health nurse, a psychologist, and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist booked after my surgery this week.

I hope you can find help here. We’re all in the same leaky boat, buffeted by the strong of grief.

Christie xxx

Hey Oscar

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. Please let us know what happened to you. It’s good to share even if it’s not easy. Don’t be alone with your grief.

That’s the problem now been busy for months now having chemo and radiotherapy now that has finished there is nothing just empty ness. My 2 dogs keep me going. But it’s isolation that I don’t know how to deal with.

@Oscar. Sorry that you are suffering too. Unfortunately the downs outweigh the ups at the moment. The isolation is both a blessing and a curse. Sudden emptiness is hard to deal with. We probably all need to feel needed and need to be able to provide support to others. Sending you strength. I am glad that your dogs have helped. I wondered about getting one as it would give life more purpose, but I am at work so much it wouldn’t be fair. Maybe after retirement I may consider it. Good luck in your journey as you too try and find a chink of light in the long dark tunnel we find ourselves in.

I lost my wife 18mths ago then had a cancer diagnosis in the following April. Half my original post disappeared.

Oh Oscar you must feel like you have been hit with a sledgehammer! I had assumed the cancer treatment was for your wife, and not realised it was yourself. I hope the treatment has managed to help you. Must have been so hard for you to go through without your wife’s support, and also so close to the death of your wife. I hope this site helps you feel less alone in some way. Even if experiences are different, I tend to read posts and pick out ideas that I may find useful to help me cope in my own journey. Other posts ignite long forgotten memories for me.

My wife was a strong woman we was married 45yrs and most of that time she had heart problems having a by pass in her 30s then another in her 50s. Both times she was determined to recover and she did, she died of renal failure at 73 it was so quick we had no time to think about it. I’m pleased she didn’t have to do this lockdown. The only plan we had was her wish that I look after the dogs and for me not to be alone. Then I got my cancer diagnosis and decided I don’t want anyone to be stuck looking after me. I don’t regret the time I looked after my wife we had a good life we lived in Wales at one time also lived in Spain. She was a fighter and instilled that in me! I have cancer, cancer doesn’t have me. I’ve had all my treatment now but that’s left a hole as I don’t know if the treatment has helped because they don’t do follow up scans. I retired a couple of months after she passed and glad I did. Money wise I have no worries that I would have had if I hadn’t retired. So that’s one blessing.

Oscar you have a wonderful attitude with “I have cancer, cancer doesn’t have me.” My partner had cancer, and had the same attitude, and did live the fullest life possible. We were both brought up to be fighters in life, and always strived to overcome any odds thrown at us before we met and during our time together. I must admit it was easier to overcome obstacles together though.

Now I was brought up different when my mother passed away my father wanted to go with her. And when he got cancer he had no treatment and as he passed he was pleased.So we were both determined not to be like that. We grabbed every opportunity to enjoy our lives.

What a lot you have been through Oscar. 18 months is still no time in terms of grieving your wife. And even though you have fighting spirit, I have no doubt that all your treatment will have left you with something else to get over emotionally. I know it’s not so easy for guys to chat to other guys about emotional stuff, but now it’s getting easier to get out and meet others do try to reach out to friends. Or if you prefer not to do that, Sue Ryder do offer a counselling service. It’s also ok to cry and feel a bit lost. It’s ok to feel angry. Basically it’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling. You are human and everyone has to go through hard times some time even if it appears like everyone else is finding life easy. In time you will be able to think about other things - perhaps a new hobby or taking an old one up again? Take care.

I have already taken up an old hobby playing guitar I used to play professionally in the 60-70s. But I find concentration being a problem a side effect of my treatment.

Hi Oscar
As you have finished your treatment then why you wouldn’t have a scan. ?
Hope treatment has worked. You are a fighter and positive person. Reading how people cope with life in difficult circumstances help me to keep going.

Dear Christie
Sorry to hear that you are in a need or urgent surgery.
I understand you are going to have the operation this week, wish you everything goes well.
My heart goes out to you.
Let us know how you are getting on.

The hospital said they don’t do follow up scans they just rely on regular PSA checks to keep an eye on my hormone levels which is low at the moment.

We both knew for over 40yrs that she would go first most of her side of family died at 50 they wasn’t diagnosed with her hereditary disease she managed 73, all through our married life she kept saying when I go don’t be alone however here I am alone. I look forward and am making plans to holiday when we get back to some form of reality. You have to look forward and not in the past I’m not saying forget just live for now.

Hi Oscar
What an inspiration you are proving to be and I agree with your sentiments wholeheartedly. It’s hard, so very hard but like you I keep looking forward and make the best of what I have. If this is as good as it gets then so be it.
I also see you have two dogs as do I and my dogs have literally kept me going, literally kept me alive in the early days. Made me laugh through my tears and helped me to get plenty of exercise and fresh air which is so important for our well being.
Good luck to you Oscar you really do deserve to it.

Tomorrow will be a good day as that very inspirational man Sir Tom said

I do have family but no friends my wife and I were pretty insula I can count on one hand how many times I have seen my family since February 2020. Just think what your husband would say to you about your mindset. We have to carry on to keep there memory going. I’m not strong I have spent days crying. Having my cancer treatment helped me but once it finished the tears came back. It’s not easy I don’t think it’s supposed to be.

I’m only 68 but I try to look after my neighbor who is in his 80s I think he looks on me as his son. I’m lucky I live in a small village in Northamptonshire and it is a friendly community I’m known all round the village as the man who walks with a stick with 2 Labradors. It’s my first experience living in a village but I like it. To I’ve also taken up playing guitar I play all the music my wife didn’t like and I imagine her shouting at me as my father did when I was a kid. I’m a rebel

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