Crying

The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one when everyone is asleep. The one when you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears.
The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can’t breathe anymore.
You can wipe away the tears from your eyes but you can’t wipe away the pain in your heart.

xx

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So true, I have bouts of not crying but the pain in my heart is there every day all day. If only we could wipe the pain away, but I guess and hear from others on here we will cope one day, its just waiting for the day when we can do things without the intense pain we feel.
Amy x

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Crying is how our hearts speak when our lips can’t explain the pain we feel.
Never known such pain and heartache as much as I feel now.
It will be 8 weeks on Sunday and a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t cried.
I just want and need him back with me.

Joan xx

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Iv been crying for almost 7 months although it is getting easier , the pain isn’t that’s just the same if not more hurtful everyday is a realisation that he’s not ever going to walk back through that door , crack another joke , sing , play his ukulele, make plans for us to go somewhere on his bike, the list is endless .
Take care Karen x

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Hi Karen.
Yes, I miss all those silly little things too. I used to send him texts and did the virtual visits telling him to fight and get better as we had places to go and things to do. He was such a fun loving person and I love him so much. What makes it worse is that I never got to say goodbye to him.
Now I’m alone with just the heartache and pain, and sometime feel I can’t cope with it all.
I thought 8 weeks of crying was hard, but 7 months - I can’t bear the thought. I do feel for you.
Take care and stay strong.
Joan xx

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Dear sad2, I feel that was was very well said - you said it like it truly is - just wanted to tell you I’ve been there too. Take care!
Herb

Thank you Herb.
It doesn’t get any easier does it?
Joan

Dear sad2, You are right - no, it doesn’t get easier. How many nights have I lie in the bed which I shared with my wife (Miki) - I was married to her for 8 years and acquainted for almost 14 years.
I spent my life with her - we did so much together - and now she’s gone! I miss her and cannot get on with a normal life - I do not want to forget her (I’m sure you feel that way too). I can honestly say that my heart breaks for you - my wife was a sensitive loving soul - when she died I didn’t want to live anymore (maybe you felt that way too). I spend so much time trying to relive our time together thru her music, her artwork, photos of us when we were happy. I might sound like an “old fool” but my heart still yearns for my wife. I have no idea what happens next - Please do the best you can to be as upbeat as you can, because there may be others (family, friends, neighbors) who would be heart broken if you gave up - don’t do that as we would all miss you. Every day I go thru this same routine — (not complaining mind you), just missing her. Let us know how you are doing. Sometimes prayer helps.
Herb (aka greencat1950)

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Dear Herb
Thank you for your heart warming message.
So sorry for the loss of your dear wife. No, we will never forget the love of our lives and I don’t ever want to. It’s so hard trying to carry on with a not so normal empty life now, I hate my days, all I do is sit, think and cry and cry some more. I try to think back on all our happy times together, but it just hurts even more because I’ll never be able to share them with him again. If only I could have got to see him and told him how much I loved him and needed him, but I never got the chance. I just wonder how I’ll get through this.
I do pray, but God never answers my prayers.
Take care.
Joan

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that’s how I feel every day… but lately it’s been getting worse. I do have good day’s, but most of them I feel like this at some point… I just go very quiet and try not to let people see… or lock myself in the Bathroom, or Walk the dog… I’m sure some people must think i’m mad, walking up the road, muttering to myself, with tears in my eyes…
It seems like my life has been on hold since my Brother died quite suddenly in 2004. We were very close, My Aunt had a stroke at his funeral, and she died the following week… My dad did’nt cope with his death very well, he was a strong Catholic and completly turned away from the church. His sister died the following month, and then my mum’s Brother-in-law… and he just seemed to give up. He died 12 month’s after my Brother and they are Buried next to each other. At this point I was trying to be there for mum, but my daughter fell ill… very ill, and spent a lot of time in and out of hosptial, resulting in her being on life support for 4 month’s in 2010. We really did not think she was going to make it, but somehow she did, and came home in May 2011, and I had to close my business and became her full time carer. She never really recovered fully and tried so hard to fight back and get her life back, but in 2016 she lost the fight, after a long hospital stint, she died of hospital error… something I really can’t get over… by this time my mum was living with me and suffering from dementia, it became impossible to leave her for more than a couple of hours at a time, had to have carer’s in if I went out or take her with me… during this time, 14 month’s after my daughter died, my daughter-in-law died in a car accident, leaving my son with 3 small children, 4, 7 and 11, they had no choice but to come live with me… then mum died in 2018… so now i’m a full time nan, my son is still grieveing and trying to sort himself out…
It just seems that it’s one thing after another, I have to be strong for everyone else, there just never seems time for me to be ME… so like I said, I feel like my life is on hold and has been for as long as I can remember…

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Hi LynnMarie,

What a lot you have had to cope with.

I can relate to what you said about wandering down the road crying. I don’t know if you have the time or circumstances to do this, but either joining a bereavement support group in your area or finding some counselling might be very therapeutic for both you and your son. I’ve found being able to talk about those I’ve lost with someone privately has meant I can offload a lot of negativity and tears which really lightens the load, at least for a while. Nobody wants to cry but actually it is “nature’s way” of making us feel better about whatever is upsetting us. Also it might help if you can open up to someone close to you - a friend or partner. We all need someone to lean on.

Best wishes,

Victoria

Dear sad2, Today is Sunday here - windy, gray and cold. Kind of describes how I feel. I woke up as usual felt the chill and went about making my morning coffee and sat and remembered when my wife and would wake up, pour our coffee and just talk - almost about everything and anything. She was curious about everything - she had a child like personality., asked so many questions. (She thought I knew everything). How I miss those moments!!! I do the same things as you – Sundays are the worst. I keep myself busy, but sooner or later I’m back in this slump again. Yes, we’re all in the same boat aren’t we? I walk thru the house checking things out - sometimes it’s very sad because one time Miki and I lived here as husband and wife. When you said “if only I could have…” - That’s how I feel too – I too, did not get to say goodbye - she just died all of a sudden. I wake up late at night just wishing she was back with me. l hope I didn’t make you too sad - just wanted you to know that I understand your sadness and pain. I come on this site just to identify with others - yes, wishing we didn’t have to be here.
Be good to yourself,
Herb

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Dear Herb.
Such a lovely heartfelt message, thank you.
Sadly, there’s not a lot that doesn’t make me cry. Every day I cry and it’s only getting worse.
I miss just talking to him so much, and I feel so lost without him and wonder when these feelings will ease and when can I feel somewhat normal again, will I ever?
I’m not looking forward to these long light nights now, I want to be shut away in darkness with my memories and thoughts. I don’t want lockdown to end and have to see people around me leading a normal and happy life. I’m so envious of seeing couples holding hands and mine are empty now.
I may sound sad and bitter I know, and I hate feeling like this.
Sorry if I sound so down again.
Joan x

Dear Joan, I know you are feeling sad and lonely - I am feeling the same way as you. I miss my time with Miki, but I cannot bring her back - wish I could. I roam this site to reach out for a friend or two who will listen to my story - and at the same time, I can listen and communicate with others who are experiencing the same as I am going thru. I feel we must try to encourage each other in these trying times. I am truly sorry for your sorrow and loss. why? because I once had a wife who encouraged me to be more than I am now - I once told her I didn’t deserve her — she replied “Yes you do deserve me!” My heart is sad because I wanted to love and give her more till I lost her. Please be barve!
Herb

Dear Herb
Thank you for your kind message. Your wife was a lovely caring lady and I do feel you and your great loss, and what you too are going through.
I know we are all suffering on here, and there are so many people worse off than me, but it just feels like I am going through this alone. Friends were there at the beginning, but that seems to have faded now. Are they fed up listening to the crying?
My time was only short with Alan, but the heartache seems eternal.
Today has been a bad day as it was around 3.30p.m. 8 weeks ago that I got the phone call telling me he died (oh, here comes the tears again).
How I wish I could turn back time and let him how much I love him. I tell him every night before I go to sleep, and every morning when I wake up. I hope he can hear me.
If ever you need to talk, I’ll be here for you and will listen.

Joan xx

Dear Joan

I share your hope. Every night I pray for my family and ask God to take care of my husband for me until I can join him. I cry for my husband - the time he will not share with our kids or our grandson, that he will not be able to reap the rewards of his years of hard work. I tell my husband that I love him and always will and most of all ask him to wait for me.

Like yourself my pool of ‘friends’ has greatly reduced. There are only three who check in with me regularly, the others have fell by the wayside. Probably for the best as I get sick of being asked ‘do I feel any better’ as if I have an illness for which there is a cure. Every day is an uphill struggle.

I love reading your poems, they so accurately reflect our emotions.

Take care
Sheila

Dear Sheila

I don’t think I have prayed so much as I am now.
When Alan went into hospital, I did pray to God, even to Mary begging her to speak to God for me.
I even bargained and shouted to God to take me and not Alan.
8 weeks today and the heartache is worse and the tears non stop. It seems every minute of the day all the lovely memories from over the years come flooding back. I long for the day when I can smile at the memories and not cry.

Joan xx

Dear Joan

I have always prayed but none more so than the drive in the police car to the hospital just praying that I would find my husband alive and tell him to stay alive for me, the kids and the grandson. But my prayers were not answered and I arrived too late. I still pray, because I have to believe that one day I will be back in my husband’s arms. I just do not want that time to be too long as the pain grows more unbearable every day.

There are rare occasions when my son will mention his dad and we can smile. My daughter is not at that point yet.

When I am alone I find myself still in disbelief that my husband has gone. Our little grandson was in ICU for the first 3 months of his life. My husband was at his side every day, all day. I sometimes wonder if my husband made a bargain with God to save our grandson.

This is not how I ever imagined my life at retirement. These are not the dreams and hopes we discussed. I am not just lost.

Dear Sheila

It certainly is a cruel world. The tragic loss of your husband is so hard to take in, and I just can’t imagine what you went through and how much you are still suffering. I’ll keep you both in my prayers.

All I ever wanted was for us to be together and happy, But this Covid came along and shattered our dreams, as it has for many others.

Yes, it is still so hard to believe we will never see our loved ones again (not on this earth).

Take care and stay strong.
Joan xx

Dear Joan

Thank you.

Covid has shattered so many people’s lives, in addition to preventing people from being with their loved ones at the most critical times.

I shed tears for all of us who have lost our loved ones. As you say it truly is a cruel world. I just keep praying that somehow we will get through this.

Sheila x

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