Crying

Dear Sheila

At this moment in time, I don’t care if we don’t come out of lockdown. I have my daughter and brother-in-law in my bubble, and that’s all I need. Don’t want to go back to “normal” without Alan.
I can’t bear the thought of seeing couples hand in hand or cuddling up, laughing and joking.
I can still feel the warmth in his hands. Even going shopping we would be holding hands. Now that’s all gone, and here come the tears.

Joan xx

Dear Joan

I totally understand your pain.

I am in the bubble with my son, his partner and grandson. I only dash in and out of the shops - usually not having got the things I needed because as you say it just reminds me of what I no longer have.

I keep on thinking of ways to escape to somewhere more solitary, somewhere I can just live out the remainder of my life without seeing anyone else. I sometimes think that is the only way I am going to cope. I am on the waiting list for counselling but in all honesty think it would be wasted on me as I do not want anyone telling me that I have to live this ‘new life’.

Sheila xx

Dear Sheila

I have only ever spoken to Cruse over the phone, and quite honestly I didn’t think it helped at all.
I have found more compassion and comfort on here reading peoples’ posts and messages. We are real people suffering and not someone who just listens and tries to give you their advice, and giving you details of other organisaions to contact, which didn’t help.

Joan
xx

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dear Joan, Thank you for sharing that story with me — it helps me to know who you are. Most times I never hear from anyone after I send a message of what support I can. I know many are in a deep state of sorrow after a loved one dies. I understand that very well. I had a loss too, maybe a bit earlier but I still miss her as if it were yesterday - It’s just that I have either gotten used to it or possibly still in a state of sorrow or grievance. I like to hope she is aware of me
where ever she may be — all I know is he is no longer with me. I go about my daily routine to keep alive basically. Thank you for understanding my loss too. Yes, what few friends I have as well as family (consisting of a son and his girlfriend- an ex-wife and her boyfriend (whom I don’t see eye to eye with), are what remains of my family life. Most of my family are long gone. I agree with you that when a loss of a spouse happens, you can be totally alone to face life. I also get bad days, as I had mentioned Sundays are the worst, because everything comes to a standstill - the weather is usually a gray cloudy and somewhat cold day. I try to stay in bed longer than I should but if I stay too long, the nights only get longer — Oh dear Joan how sad I feel for you - as your loss is recent. I’m not saying that I am getting used to it because I don’t.
When I got started on this forum I believe I read that 2 men and 1 woman were starting that they were dating someone and eventually dropped out. (It’s not my place to judge them, but I wondered how could they just up and move on like that? Well, I hope they will be happy. As far as turning back the time, what I have been doing is going back to the photo albums I have - as I took photos of her at differing times and try to relive those moments - not the best way to handle it as it makes me feel very sad when I see the photos. I like to stay in touch with you as we both have sad moments to talk over. I appreciate the offer and I believe I will do that if it’s OK with you. I can offer that to you as well, I am know as greencat1950 on the forum and my name is Herb. I welcome the idea of hearing from you - it helps knowing someone rather than getting bypassed by the the people on the forum. (Sometimes I don’t hear back - you are welcome to contact me too. We all have to encourage each other). Please be good to yourself. I’ll be out here if you need to to talk.
Herb (aka greencat1950)

Dear Herb.
Thank you for another lovely warming message. I’m surprised that you don’t get many responses to your kind messages of support. We all need a shoulder to cry on and it’s comforting to know there’s someone there (apart from family) that is going through the same heartache as you. Someone to talk to, cry to and let your feelings out to rather than keeping them bottled up inside, which doesn’t do you any good. I have one really close friend that I can cry to, she listens to me without saying a word until my crying is done, then we can hold a somewhat normal conversation. She is always there for me and I can’t thank her enough. I’ll be so glad when I can visit her again and just hug her and say a big thank you for supporting me through all this.
I think I can understand why people move on so quickly after their loss. You never realise how lonely you are until it’s the end of the day and you’ve got things to talk about and no one to talk to. Days feel like years when you’re alone, and loneliness is the worst pain of all. We all need someone to make us feel like tomorrow is more than just another lonely day. So if they find some happiness and comfort, then I’m happy for them.
Thank you, it would be nice to stay in touch and hopefully one day our conversations can be a little more cheerful and we finally can smile again.

Joan xx

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Dear Joan (sad2), Thank you for the encouraging message. Well, being across the ocean sort of puts me at a disadvantage - but I don’t regret it either. I guess I try to hold my end up as best as I can. I’m in my home where Miki and I lived in our early and happier days. In a way, it’s a comfort zone for me. Reminds me of a song where the singer sings about a wounded fox that hides away in the forest to heal from his wounds. In a way, I’m like that! The death of my spouse sent me there to one day heal. I do manage to care for myself and remember. Now with the covid 19 lockdown, only adds to challenge. But at the same time, I can browse on the internet and explore things I didn’t get a chance to do in my earlier days - it’s more of a way to keep myself busy. I have received messages from people on the Sue Ryan site - but sometimes they all move on. I guess that’s to be expected. I wrote one reader that I visited London back in 1974 for a 3 days weekend when I was serving as a soldier in the American Army. (I loved it but it was a bit foggy and and damp most of the time. I watch Doc Martin on the BBC - I like his town and the folks he interacts with – I wouldn’t mind living in a small fishing village - anyway I’ve thought of it. I like the British history and their history. U.S. History gets a bit boring because I know how the story turns out. The sun is out today, but somewhat brisk so I need a sweater or jacket. For me, today is laundry day - so I do that on Mondays - I hope you are doing well today, it seems like it today. I’m glad you wrote back - hope to hear from you again soon! Take care!
Herb

Dear Herb. Where about are you then? You sound like you are coping a little better now, and I hope being back in your home you shared with Miki is of comfort and not heartache.
How I feel at the moment, I’m not looking forward to lockdown ending, I prefer to be shut away and re-live my too short time spent with Alan. to cry and shout when I want to, and be miserable without it affecting anone else. My days will never be the same again, I have no happy days to look forward to anymore now he has been taken from me. If only we could turn back time and be happy again.
Joan x

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I’ve been crying like this most nights since 31st of January, it’s the deepest form of pain and I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I know my Mum would hate to see me like this but I can’t stop the tears. Look after yourself and always remember, you are not alone.

Zoe

So sorry for the loss of you dear mum. My boyfriend died on the 31st January too. I never thought this pain could hurt as much as it does. All I want to do is cry and scream and let it all out because this heartache is killing me inside. The hardest part of crying is when you can’t stop. It all just seems endless.
Take care.
Joan

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It was so sudden and such a shock to us all, a fit and healthy 55 year old then gone just like that. I imagine everyone that loses someone feels like this but it seems so unfair. She was the most selfless human I’ve ever known, always putting others first no matter what.

I am lucky to have a sister who is a year older than me and two brothers who are a couple of years younger than me, my heart just breaks for all of them. My brother being only 23 just breaks me, at 27 I feel so broken and unable to cope with this grief. I am constantly crying throughout the day too, tears dripping down my face as I make a cup of tea or walk the dog.

I am so sorry that your boyfriend passed away, I cannot imagine losing my partner. How long have you been together? Have you found anything that makes you feel better? Any tips on how to get through each day? I’m currently in a repetitive haze so any tips would be super helpful. I’ve only just found this forum - what a great place to share our feelings.

Lovely talking to you Joan.
Zoe

Dear Joan, I’m in my home — I consider it my refuge and my source of comfort. After reading your reply, I can tell you that I feel the same. When my wife was still here, we enjoyed the simple things in our lives. Conversations, watch the TV, or doing chores together - seems uninteresting but we had a great time together. Even going grocery shopping was fun! Well, I try to do those things by myself - don’t really enjoy the big family or friends get togethers anymore - so I focus my thoughts on my wife and what we were doing almost 2 years ago. Sometimes I do well but other times I’m grieving for her - so I try to occupy my mind on other things. But it doesn’t last. I look at photos, her artwork and sometimes I get a new outlook on what she was conveying . Last year I tried a dating site - well, that didn’t work either as it seems my heart belonged to my wife. The dates didn’t work for me – I apparently was not what they were seeking. I am hoping you can get times when you feel better – that doesn’t mean I’m doing well - just getting by. If you ever come across that time machine let me know.
Write back when you can. Take care!
Herb

Dear sad2
You said, “Every day, I cry”.
That’s me too. In fact I worked out today that I have probably cried more in the 9 months since he died than I have in 57 years of being with him!
I don’t feel like me any more. I am living and breathing but I seem to have lost who I am. I am just a body with no identity and no anchor. Before, I had purpose and drive. I was important and loved. Things interested me, I did things, learned new stuff and really ‘lived’. Now, I am a pointless being with no clear direction and no optimism.
I feel as though I am watching myself going about the housework etc., but it isn’t really me. It’s like watching a film where I can see what I am doing, but don’t feel as though I am in that person. It’s really weird and I am probably not explaining it well.
What is it all for? It is as though his death has sucked everything out of me. Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? He wouldn’t have wanted that, it would break his heart. Where do I go from here?
Sorry, extra bad day today.

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Dear AnnR

My sentiments exactly. You are explaining it very well. I often feel as if I am ‘acting’ the role of grieving wife and at the end of the day will see that in fact my husband is sitting in his usual spot waiting for his tea. The point you make about being important and loved is one of the things I miss and will never get back. I know that I will never be the same person I was before my husband died - I have lived as a married couple far longer than when being single. I spoke to someone today who lost his wife at a young age - never remarried - he said you never forget them you just learn to cope and get by.

Panic attacks returned yesterday - just came out of the blue. Feel a bit better today except when I look in the mirror I still just see someone I do not recognise.

Take care.

Dear @AnnR

I lost my husband 7 weeks ago, he was 40 and I’m only 38! I feel exactly the same as you. I’m nobody now, all the joy in life has gone. We do have two sons aged 11 and 8, they keep me going and I will “fake” joy for them, but my life will never be the same again. I do the day to day things but I always think what for or what’s the point. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore :disappointed_relieved: I don’t know how to carry on without him and make things fun again for the boys. I miss him so much. I hope in time I can get the joy back?

Sarah xx

Dear Zoe
Yes, it is certainly a shock especially as your mum was fit and healthy and still young too. It’s a wicked world out there.
I was only with my boyfriend for 10 years, and that wasn’t long enough. I idolised him and never felt the feelings I had for him for anone else.
No, I’ve not found anything to make me feel any better, or I could give you any advice on how to get through your loss apart from cry when you have to, don;t bottle it up. All I know is that time does not heal.
I have lost interest in everything. Housework gets done when I can be bothered, Can’t even be bothered to get dressed for days at a time. To be honest, the days just get worse and te nights longer, and even more tears are shed.
I had a dream about him last night, and today has been a really bad day for me. A day of more crying and shouting.
Yes, this forum does help a little, but it’s so sad to read some of the posts. Some people far worse off than me, but my loss hurts as much. Sometimes I wonder whether I should I look because it makes me cry, if I’m not already.

Take care, and I hope your pain eases with time.
Joan x

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Dear Sarah, you understand completely how I feel. Thank you for replying . You are far too young to have lost your husband and I am devastated for you. It makes me feel guilty for moaning because I was so lucky to have him for so long. I have a loving family, including young grandchildren who I am very close to but, as you say, it doesn’t make up for the loss. I have to put on a happy face for the youngest grandchild, although, at 12 he is coping quite well.
I hope you have support, especially as you have two grieving children, and I, like you, hope this feeling won’t go on for ever. It is very hard and all we can do is get through each day as best you can. Time may help, I hope so, but we will never forget our husbands however things pan out.
I am sending you and your boys an enormous virtual hug. I so admire you for facing this now. I don’t know how I would have coped at your age. You must be stronger than you give yourself credit for. X

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Dear AnnR
I thought the pain and heartache I’m going through was unbearable, but you are suffering far worse than me and I am so sorry. I wish there were some words of comfort I could offer you. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty that I cry as much as I do, especially when there are far more lovely people on here that are suffering more than I am.
My interest in anything is zero. Housework gets done eventally, and sometimes I don’t get dressed for days. Everything feels like an effort. My days are filled with memories of my short time with Alan.
I had a dream of us last night and today has been the worst. It’s the second dream I’ve had since he died. Are dreams a good thing, is he trying to let me know he is ok? I don’t know what to think or believe. All I know is that it hurts.

Take care.
Joan x

Dear Sheila, so sorry that on top of everything else, you are having panic attacks. That’s awful.
I still can’t believe that grief can have such a detrimental effect on both body and mind. Tony and I once talked about what we would do when one of us ended up alone. It seemed quite simple to us then - we decided that we wouldn’t be a burden on our lovely daughters. We agreed we would get on with our lives and be happy. So easy to say, in the safety of relative youth, but so hard, impossible even, to carry out now that it is reality. I am just glad he didn’t live to go through this. I am glad I am doing it instead. But, oh, I could so do with that hug!
X x

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@AnnR

Please never feel guilty, losing a husband is the worst thing ever, how ever long or short time with them was. It will never be long enough. I’m so sorry for the way you are feeling. It hurts so much. But I hope for us both this feeling will in time ease and we can enjoy life a little again.

Love and hugs
Sarah xx

Dear Joan, thank you so much for your lovely reply. Yes, today is a very bad day for me, but I don’t know why it is even worse than usual. Like you, I feel guilty for crying so much, and I know that there are people worse off than I am. (In fact, I have just replied to a poor soul of 38 with 2 young sons). The trouble is, feeling guilty doesn’t help me stop. It’s been 9 months, and I feel I should be less tearful, that I should have calmed down, but I can’t. If this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life, I don’t know how I will cope, so I try not to think about that too much.
I hope things look up for all of us, whoever we are. Hugs, Ann xx

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