Im absolutely broken but i cant cry. I cant even begin to let the greif hit me cause its going to break me
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It awful isn’t it. The fear of letting it in. My process has just happened, my body seems to do what it wants and I have no control. Today’s not been good so I’ve just let it happen today. Embraced the tears. Tomorrow’s another day. I’ve had a couple of good days and today I’ve been reminded that grief will hit when it wants/needs and I can’t control it, I just seem to put it off for a bit. Today’s just a write off and I’ll except that.
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Oh mine hardly stop … ive never cried so much in all my life !! 
im not even a crying person normally but i think when the grief is this bad it has to come out somewhere 
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I cry everyday but it’s not all consuming lately but today was just a tricky one.
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I know its up and down isnt it ? Its like being on a rollercoaster 
you think oh im doing well and then something happens and there u go again ! So many things remind me hes not here anymore … i found his glasses last week under a table … wow that set me off ! Its so strange to think he will never wear them again … oh i dunno this world is screwed ! Its all crazy if you ask me !!! Nothing makes any sense 
peoples behaviour, our loved ones going and just a rubbish world my husband was the only stable thing in my life and now hes gone - thats tough man
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It is the things I’ve forgotten that hit me like a brick. I heard a jet wash the other day and the only time I heard it was when Rich washed the cars. That caught me off guard.
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Yeh its small little yhings like that isnt it thst get ya
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@Ali29 @Deb5 it was so reassuring to read what you have both been saying about crying. Just to know it’s not just me!! I cry every day and at the most unexpected times. It could just be seeing his favourite mug in the cupboard or at an advert on TV. It isn’t all consuming like it was in the beginning, I’m now at week 9, but I can’t stop it. When I need to cry I need to cry.
Like many I find morning’s the worst. That moment of waking and the thought of getting through another day alone is awful. I just want to lie in bed and cry. I try to make myself get up at a reasonable time and to go out somewhere each day for a while to ease myself back into ‘life’ but generally after a few hours I want to be at home.
I keep thinking though how can I return to work when I’m like this? I’m starting to think I want to get back to work just for some normality and to give me a purpose to get up in the morning. Luckily I’m not getting any pressure from my employer to return yet. Just wondered how others coped with this?
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It’ll be 10 weeks Easter Sunday. I have returned to work for distraction, all be it for a couple of hours a day. After Easter I will be doing 3/4 hours a day and see how I go. Y employer is very flexible and will leave it to me to decide how I feel. I still struggle with what to do about work. As the routine we had will very much be triggered by being at work. We are both in education. I’ll see how I go but the people I work with have been amazing and that helps too.
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Thanks @Ali29
I will be 10 weeks on Easter Sunday too.
I don’t think I’ll have the option of working a few hours a day in my job. I’m meeting with my manager on 18th so will have a discussion with her then, but know I have an option of a phased return when I’m ready to return. Just don’t know if I am. I have to deal with the public and also manage people. Neither of which I feel up to doing at the minute.
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No talking ti people is very hard isnt it ! I always have this overwhelming desire to say - my husband has just died u know - but you cant can you !
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Exactly!! Probably why we all like being a home. Not having to act as if everything is okay and normal when we got out anyway 
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Yes that hard. I work with children so a bit different x
@Doughtyj I did return to work 4 weeks after my husband died in January. I didn’t need to financially and my employers have been amazing, I had to return for myself, I was disorientated and lost my sense of self and I found work gave me structure and balance and a place where I could find my identity when the rest of me was floundering. For me it has been really helpful, I too manage people and that responsibility was taken from me for the time being until I feel I am ready and again there is no deadline or pressure to do so. When I feel overwhelmed I can just take a moment or go home whatever feels right. My work colleagues have always been been amazing and I don’t think I would have returned if I didn’t feel I was ‘safe’ and held. Some days I work from home which helps when it is not a good day, but overall I have found work a distraction and has given me a purpose. Everyone is different and you will know when the time feels right for you to return. With love xx
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@Doughtyj
It’s nearly a year since I lost my darling husband and the tears still come unexpectedly sometimes. I think it’ll be a feature of life for many years however, they are less frequent now and less all consuming when they happen. Maybe they will gradually ease for you too.
Hugs
Karen xxx
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Like other on this site Karen your posts continue to give me hope and strength. I know you are near to facing difficult anniversaries, but your honesty and compassion for others remains. I hope we can offer you the same support when you need it. With love xx
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Im similar, working with the public, in the nhs. My manager has been great but im not sure im the same caring, patient, non angry person i was. The widow brain fog is bad too and cant concentrate on anythinģ. Also work routine will be a trigger for me too and also not sure if i see the point of working heavy days, coming home to an empty house if my hubby isnt here to enjoy both of our hard earned pennies. We used to work hard so that we could go away alot. Whats the point in that now…
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I haven’t been able to cry but woke up this morning and burst into tears as I realised it was Easter and I always had flowers, Easter egg and we would be going out for the day walking, me, him and our dog, my little family. Instead I am sat here all alone, eating breakfast by myself and thinking about everyone enjoying their Easter break together. It’s gut wrenching. I can’t even be bothered to get dressed.
I am going to go back to work after the funeral on the 20th because I feel like I am losing my identity and connection with life and I need some structure and routine. The sun is streaming through my lounge window and it saddens me that he won’t enjoy it again with me. All around me is the rebirth that spring brings forth, the birds singing, flowers blossoming, leaves flourishing on the trees, bees buzzing about, people shedding the dark dreariness of winter and my sunshine is lying in a morgue
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I really do feel your pain x
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
I feel constantly restless if that makes any sense? Don’t know what to do with myself?
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