Crying

Hi all. I was wondering if anyone can identify with me in that I don’t seem to be crying much. I am in so much pain and hurt and am struggling and feel I am crying INSIDE but not crying physically. I wish I COULD cry as I know it would help and ease me but I just cannot. Many on this site say they cry and sob a lot. I am beginning to think I have a problem - even more than being bereaved. I have a sensation in my throat which I always get when I am stressed. It comes and goes. This throat sensation is now happening a lot. I think it could be my blocked distress and pain. If anyone is the same or has any advice, it would be much appreciated. I don’t know what I would do without this site. Take care all. Best wishes from Karen

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Hello Karen. I’m so sorry to read of your heartbreaking loss. I lost my Husband to a heart issue 3 days from a full year ago. It was both anticipated yet sudden and I was denied the time I thought we had left together and this in addition to everything else is so hard to bear. I really understand what you mean by crying INSIDE as I have used that phrase myself - along with INVISIBLE TEARS. It feels like you really might burst. I too have the throat sensation and the chest heaviness. The tears will probably come and take you by surprise and then you probably won’t be able to stop so try not to worry about not crying. I do a lot of crying on the inside even after all this time. I haven’t managed to make the pain go away. I have read all your previous posts and find them so well-expressed. I don’t know if you have come across a website called “What’s Your Grief”, there is a wealth of well written bite-size topics concerning grief. If you carry on feeling this way please don’t suffer in silence, the last thing you need is your grief turning into Anxiety and Depression as it has with me. Keeping all your pain, hurt and suffering locked away inside you just wrecks your body. I wish I could have been more help Karen. I seem to have written a lot but said nothing at all. I’m sure someone will have some practical advice to share with you. Keep going as best you can. I’m sending you lots of compassionate thoughts.

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I also feel the lump in the throat together with deep sadness and extreme tiredness.

I find maybe a drink or listening to, or thinking of, something sentimental can set me off for a good cry. It’s cathartic and cleansing to cry if you can as it relieves the awful sadness and inner stress.

Maybe a sad film can bring on the weeping? Don’t hold back.

I nearly always feel better after a meltdown, even though I rarely cried before DH died 4 months ago.

Hi Karen, I too found it difficult to cry and felt I was holding it in. I also recognise what you say about the throat feeling. You will cry when you are ready to. When I feel I would benefit from letting my tears out, I play our favourite songs and one particular song that I had played at my husbands funeral never fails to have the desired effect. In fact yesterday was one of those days, as its coming up a year this Friday so was feeling particularly low. A good cry won’t change anything of course, but boy does it make you feel better to let go a bit of grief. Lynn

Hi karen
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and not everyone cries outwardly. From your posts it is clear you loved your soulmate very much and are devastated at his loss and suffering unbearable pain.
The most important thing is not to shut away your feelings which you are not doing and not actively trying to stop yourself from crying. You will have read everyone goes through grief differently some cant sleep others sleep a lot and feel so tired. Some can eat and have put weight on and ‘comfort eat’ others cant eat and have lost weight. So please dont beat yourself up over not reacting in a way that you think you should - there is no right or wrong way in this awful journey we are all on we just have to be.
I am 3 months into my nightmare after losing my partner julie to cancer. I cry all the time but the emotion I have not had is anger either about being left on my own the cancer no anger at all for anything and certainly never over her leaving me because she was brave beyond words going through all the different types of treatment.
I know it is easier said than done but please dont give yourself a hard time life is difficult enough without you causing yourself anymore anxiety and worry. The tears are there Karen whether they come out or not.
Sending you my very best wishes
Carol x

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Hi Ladies and thanks for responding to my message with understanding, care, support and tips and advice. You all came up with some good ideas and it has given me things to think about. I haven’t played any of our special music yet but maybe that might help to give me a good cry. I am also avoiding romantic films but perhaps I should use them as a ‘crying tool’.

Anyway, I have an update in that I went to the coast on Monday as decided to have a long walk by the sea. I parked my car and just sat looking at the sea for a while preparing to get out and walk and then suddenly … the tears came and I was crying uncontrollably for ages. It felt good to have a good cry and released some of the grief I was holding in. I did find walking and watching the sea cathartic as I had a long, brisk walk along the sea front. It was also filled with pain too as I remembered walking along that very same sea front many times hand in hand with Dave. Then we would have a sit on one of the benches and he would always put his arm around me and pull me close to him and with the other hand, hold mine. We would watch the sea and other people and chat or just sit and enjoy each other and feeling glad to be together and being in the moment. I missed his presence so much and did feel the tears come again although not as intense as when I was in the car. Perhaps I was frightened of someone seeing me and being concerned?

I saw couples walking along hand in hand and I envied them. Then I had fish and chips and thought of Dave and I doing that too. I felt such a lonely soul. You just miss having that other person there with you don’t you? There is no one to share things with and that loss is like a gaping raw wound. It is such an awful path to be on but so many of us are on it. Anyway, thanks again. Best wishes from Karen

Hello again Karen. Good to read that you have had a bit of a breakthrough to tide you over for a bit. It’s 52weeks for me today and also my birthday. This time last year I was receiving sympathy cards as well as birthday cards. Your story brought back memories, I live in Blackpool and would do as you and your Dave did often, going on the seafront. My Husband loved the arcades! Even after all this time I can’t even think about being on the Promenade without him so what a huge achievement it was for you to spend some time at a favourite place of you both. Keep hanging on in there.

Hello again Tina and thanks for responding to my message with kind words and support. I would like to say ‘Happy Birthday’ to you but I know that it ISN’T a happy Birthday for you so to say it seems the wrong thing. How could it be when you don’t have your husband with you and it is such a painful time? However, I hope your Birthday was manageable and you have got through it ok. Hopefully, family or friends helped you to get through the day and spoiled you. With it being the anniversary this week too that is always going to be a blight on your Birthday. What a shame. My heart goes out to you. At least you have got to the first year anniversary now so that is a milestone. That is an achievement in itself. I wish I was that far along. I only lost Dave on 13th July so it is still early days for me yet. I am dreading all the ‘firsts’ to have to go through and Christmas is rearing its ugly head. I can’t even begin to think about it. I just want Christmas and the run up to it to disappear!

Yes, I guess it was brave of me to go to Felixstowe on Monday but it was a spur of the moment thing. I needed to get out somewhere as was feeling overwhelmed in the house and felt the coast was where I wanted and Felixstowe is the nearest to go so I just took off. If I had planned it in advance, perhaps I wouldn’t have gone. I do tend to do things on the spur of the moment. Sometimes I regret them. I find I am avoiding other places though. The parks and the walks around here we used to do I can’t go anywhere near and I still feel pain in going into the town and I am avoiding it.

I am sure you will know when you are ready and the time is right for you to visit the sea front again. Once you get to a certain point you might even feel comforted to re-live the happy memories on the promenade and give a little smile to yourself when you go past the arcades and remember how he used to love them. I know our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be suffocated and tormented by this bereavement and grieving forever but it will be with us for as long as it takes. The more we love, the deeper the pain. It is all so hard isn’t it?

Anyway, take care and I am thinking of you.
Best wishes from Karen

Hi Karen, although I have the opposite problem I can still empathize with you. My doctor has given me some meds that I’m trying to manage sensibly to prevent potential future problem. Without them I’m in danger of flooding the town where I live, but when I do take them I seem to block too much and then start to feel guilty and I get similar sensations to yours. I had similar throat symptoms myself for another reason a number of years ago and it was a benign stress related issue that is well documented. I think the forum rules prevent me from saying what it was.

It is good that you finally let it out. I always feel a short term feeling of calmness after a session of uncontrollable sobbing

Thanks for replying Karen. Take care.

Hi Karen.
I sadly lost my sister in April,she hadn’t been ill until January when she was diagnosed with 4 brain tumours which were secondaries from the lung.
It all happened so quick and like you I worry I havnt been able to cry…I can talk about her and laugh with friends and family but if I’m alone and think of her I get very panicky and anxious.
Like you I worry why I havnt had a meltdown,people say it will come but I’m not so sure and feel quite guilty.
I’m pretty sure it is normal as we all grieve differently.
I think the fact that I have found the Sue Ryder community help gives me some safety net where I can talk to others.
I actually work for Sue Ryder and have had some amazing support from my line manager.
Here for you if you need a chat anytime.
Claire x

Hey Karen, Don’t worry about not crying so much - it doesn’t mean you’re not grieving ‘properly’. There is no right or wrong way to this and you find your own path through the pain. I’m nearly six months in from losing Keith and like you I’m finding it increasingly difficult as time goes by. I do think it actually gets worse before it gets better because as the days go on, you just miss your partner more.

I’ve been going to counselling on a weekly basis and I find it enormously helpful. I tried Cruse but there was a huge waiting list so I visited my GP who referred me to the local NHS trust mental health services. Hopefully you’ll find similar services in your area and your GP should be able to help you get to something appropriate.

A few people have mentioned taking tablets, but I would urge anyone on this awful road not to take anti depressants or tranquillisers if you can possibly help it. I was taking them for an unrelated condition for about six months before I lost Keith. My GP left me on them to try to help after Keith died, but four weeks ago I decided I needed to come off them because I felt numb and knew they were blocking the grieving process somewhat. With my GP’s help, I weaned off them over a couple of weeks and have been free of them for ten days now, but although I feel more clear headed and able to feel properly, the grief has been dreadful - I feel as though I have only just lost Keith, and I think it was a mistake to stay on them for so long, as I was beginning to rely on them taking the edge off everything. Although I am now experiencing some powerful feelings of loss, I feel as though this is how I should have been feeling from the start and I feel better for being able to experience it - in addition I found that the tablets dulled my memory and made it difficult for me to get a mental picture of Keith or remember his voice. I also recognise that I can’t live the way I am doing now for much longer. I’m very lonely without Keith and I need to get out and meet people and rebuild my life, and I think if I had stayed on the tablets, I would not have recognised this need and would have slumped into a rut. Grief is not depression, and there is no tablet you can take to get through it - it’s a natural process and you have to experience it to get out the other side and hopefully to a place where you can find your way in this new life.

Something which my counsellor suggested for me, may help you - it helped me to focus and to keep a check on my moods. Try to think of the grief as wading through water. On the better days the water will lap gently around your ankles. When your emotions start to wobble, the water may be up to your knees, or your waist, and on bad days you will struggle to keep your head above the waves. On these days you need a life jacket - it can be anything you like such as a phone call to a good friend or relative, a walk in the fresh air to clear your head, or a happy memory of your loved one. My own is the ‘happy dance’ Keith used to do whenever he was told something good - it could be something as simple as me telling him I was cooking his favourite meal. He would break into this little dance. The memory always makes me smile, and helps when I get overwhelmed. If you use the water analogy to cope with the grief, it also helps to look at things maybe coming up in the near future which are going to be difficult to cope with after a loss - things like anniversaries, birthdays or Christmas/New Year. I look at these as waves in the distance and I’m trying to get to ‘higher ground’ to cope with them when they hit. It’s not an easy process but with practice it can work well.

You also need to recognise that grief is not a straight road - you can make progress and then suddenly find yourself right back where you started. It’s important to know that all of this is normal. The process encompasses a huge range of emotions - sadness, depression, anger, frustration - and lots more besides, are normal to experience, and even guilt creeps in, which can be hard to handle. It’s a normal part of grief to look for something for which to blame yourself, and feelings of guilt can also come in response to you doing something you think you shouldn’t, or that your loved one wouldn’t ‘approve of’. I felt guilty when I got hungry, or if I laughed for any reason I would be immediately overtaken by guilt. All normal. You just have to go with it and recognise that these things will eventually take a back seat and although you don’t believe it now, you will start to feel differently, more able to cope.

I don’t think you ever get over a loss like this, you just learn with time how to accommodate it and get on with your life. It takes time, it can’t be rushed and you need to take things in baby steps and be kind to yourself. Try not to think any further than the end of the day - or the end of the morning or afternoon if necessary. The future is scary at this point but it won’t always be, and it will be a different future to the one you envisage now in the midst of your sorrow.

This is a great site for support and there is another one called WayUp, mostly for those widowed in their 50s and 60s, although they’re not rigid. They have a good, easy to navigate website and a private messenging facility. The members also organise meetings and socialising, and even holidays together, which may interest you further down the road when you feel able to lift your head and look around a bit more.

Take care, and remember there’s lots of support here whenever you need it, so lean on us.

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I lost my lovely wife two moths ago and she couldn’t cry, no tears at all,but in the last photo I took of her although she was smiling I could see that inwardly she was crying, I miss her so much and I cry when I’m alone, which is often!.x

My husband died 9 months ago after a long illness. His death was sudden and we all thought he had much longer to live. I don’t cry as much as I thought I would. When he was first very ill I felt as though my world had ended and I screamed at fate, God etc. So I think I did some of my grieving then. Matters were made worse because his daughters turned against me. Now I do not cry a great deal at all and have started to find enjoyment in life by being very busy. Two years ago when he started to go really downhill I thought that I would never find anything worthwhile again but that is not true now. Things still set me off of course and I can weep for long periods. I do think that crying is cathartic but also tiring. It is certainly necessary. I know exactly what you mean about seeing couples together and the many feelings such things evoke. It does get easier but it always feels like I have been cheated. In particular I cannot bear to hear couples sniping at each other. I want to go up to them and tell them to cherish each other as what is round the corner could part them for ever.

I feel that crying is an individual thing some can and do others dont…depends on our mskeup and psyche.

I cry on my own when im out and about solo…feeling isolated from the madding world. I think of my hubby from the mmoment i wake up to the moment i go to bed and sleep and then i dream sbout him so nice some disturbing dreams.

Many can halt tears and this may not be good but to my mind its the natural thing to do when grieving. Watching some films or videos of family and those far off good years i weep bitterly at times.its tiring but a catharsis maybe. Dont tyry to inhibit your tears, if the descend on you, Karen.

Misty1 xx

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Typos…sorry…using my small keypad on phone x

I find one of the things that bring it home to you is being on your own in a crowd or at any social gathering, my wife any I, like most people, enjoyed holidays but now I’m on my owm I can’t imagine holidaying on my own, but the worst is the evenings, I’m alone and I hate it, the family do all they can during the day but they got children and they disappear evenings, Kind Regards x

That’s exactly how I feel. I seem to be just on autopilot and the evenings are interminable. I lost Keith nearly six months ago, and most nights I end up going to bed early just to get another day over with. It seems that all of the best parts of my life died with Keith - the companionship, deep conversations, shared experiences of all kinds, and most of all the love he surrounded me with every day. He was my best friend and my rock. I have a disability and use a wheelchair a lot of the time, and right from the start Keith saw me and not the condition or the complications that came with it. He was always there with quiet support and I don’t know how I will ever get through the rest of my life without him. I’m starting to socialise a little bit more now, just with local bereavement groups, but as you say, it’s loneliest in a crowd. xx

Hi Paperjack…I can relate to your feelings about taking hols or short breaks. I was wed for 51 years until 2015. We holidayed together from our teens in 1960. Ilfracombe was our first holiday and we eent there on and off for many decades and with our Sons from 1968.

When did your wife pass away and how long were you married? Not that it matters how long you were together but for many losing the holiday opportunities with a loved one is a huge trauma. I feel your pain and empathise as only us who are grieving can extend to others.

After my hubby died I struggled with the practical matters and coped despite being in daze of shock. In the late autumn of 2015 I felt desperate for a break and went to Chester with three friends. I went by National Express and I had a really nice break and the change dud me good. I will never be able to go back to Ilfracombe its far too painful with so many memories. I csnt even go back to my roots down south east its too hurtful and painfull. Maybe one day…who knows?

Then gathering courage I went on another break with my friend and tgis was goid but grieving was the foremost as i missed Ralph so very much. Since then Ive done day trips and one break as as time has elapsed seem a tad stronger. Its important not to get out and about but we need to lace ourselves as individuals.

My two Sons and families are good to me but have theur own busy lives and i feel isolated on my own. Si i make an effort getting away as and when. Singles hols have no charms for me but coach hols and day trips can be very pleasant as one can chat to others or just chill out and go home feeling stronger possibly for the interaction.

I hope you pop back in to share how you are feeling day to day.

Misty1 x

PAM I share your pain…Its good you are starting to socialise and bereavement groups can be very helpfull. I belong to one sttached to my church and this is time where i can be myself and speak of my grief fsce to face. I find thus community helpfulI. think many of us do grow stronger stage by stage but many dont for various reaons. Keep plodding on Pam and take care x

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