Dad’s sudden death from COVID-19

Losing a parent
1

Hi
My dad went from ‘ok’ to ‘end of life care’ within a week. He and my mum had been self-isolating for a couple of weeks prior to his being taken into hospital. They had celebrated his 80th birthday on Sunday 22 March, he was admitted to hospital on the 25th, his illness progressed very quickly and he died on the 31st. We obviously could not visit him in hospital, nor could we have a funeral.

The consultant told my sister and myself that Mum almost certainly had the virus, which caused us significant panic and anxiety. I live very close to my parents, but my sister lives in the South - we have not as yet been able to get together (the funeral was ‘virtual’, using WhatsApp).

We are all devastated and in shock - almost certainly in a state of post-trauma. This is somewhat complicated in my case by the fact that I have suffered significantly severe periods of depression throughout my life (I was hospitalised several times through my late 20s and early 30s - I’m now 53). Part of the cause was - almost certainly - post-traumatic in nature, in addition to an existing pre-disposition to low mood.
I am now going through the same symptoms, and know enough to understand that these are caused by grief/trauma. I am ‘keeping going’ by basically making myself put one foot in front of the other, practising Mindfulness, going for regular walks and talking to a counsellor on the phone. I’m also trying to distract myself by watching ‘easy’ TV programmes and talking to my mum and my sister as often as possible (I also talk to the cat, though with limited effectiveness!). I live on my own, which is by choice but it does also have its downsides - especially in terms of self motivation.

I suppose my question is: am I doing the ‘right things’? Of course I understand that this is entirely subjective, and ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are unhelpful labels; maybe I mean do these approaches sound sensible? Please forgive me if this seems like a silly question - I’m afraid I have lost perspective. Also I have never had a bereavement. This is very new and painful.

Any insights/reassurance/whatever gratefully received.

Thanks.

2

Hi Jenny, I’m so sorry to hear that your dad has died of Covid-19 and that this has triggered your pre-existing mental health problems. Losing someone through this virus can certainly be a trauma. It sounds as though you have a good understanding of your own symptoms and it’s good that you have a counsellor and are already trying strategies to cope. I’m not an expert, but they sound very sensible to me, and many of them are often suggested by others on this site. Hopefully you will soon get more replies from other bereaved people with their own perspectives - you are among people who understand here.

We have had two other new users join in the last few days who have lost a parent to Covid-19, so you are not alone:
@Tracew posted here: Have lost my beautiful mum
@Berry posted here: Lost my mum yesterday

@Jobar has also posted recently about traumatic bereavement, although the details of her loss are different: Trauma counselling

3

Thanks Priscilla for the reassuring words. I’m so glad I have found this site; the current situation makes things very much harder, when human contact is nearly impossible.
Thanks also for showing me I’m not alone (I knew I wasn’t, COVID is a huge problem in more ways than one). I really appreciate your response.

4

I am so sorry, Jenny, your dad is my age, it must be heartbreaking for you and your mum.
MaryL :crying_cat_face:

5

My heart goes out to you Jenny, losing a parent is terrible at anytime without this lockdown causing added pressure and stress on top of your grief. Not being able physically to comfort eachother must be horrendous. The bottom line is there are no rights or wrongs, you do what you need to do to get through each day, if that means going for walks and talking to your cat then that’s fine. It is very early days for you and your poor Mum and Sister and you will still be in shock from the speed this all happened. All I can say is be kind to yourself and take it a day at a time.
Sending you a big virtual hug :revolving_hearts:

1 Like
6

Thanks Mary. Yes it’s heartbreaking, but we’re strong and will get through this … I think that a great many people around the world are feeling a sense of grief, even if they haven’t lost someone. We have collectively lost certainty, many freedoms and a notion that there is some kind of structure to our life - however loose. It’s tough.

1 Like
7

Hi @photojenny,
First of I’m sincerely sorry for your loss and to hear of your dad.
My story and age is not of complete similar circumstances but just wanted to let you know you are not alone in the sense of such a sudden bereavement and not being able to have a ceremony.
I tragically lost my partner who would of been 29 last Friday 5 weeks ago tragically and suddenly. This has completely cut me up but with covid being an issue we were also unable to have a funeral /ceremony and I have been unable to see his family since. He was cremated on his own. With the lockdown it’s like every Saturday for me feels like groundhog day and as if you can’t really take any steps forward properly because of the way the world is, the suddenness of losing him, the inability to say a proper goodbye nor have a celebration of his life.
Whilst there’s really minimal to keep you completely busy.
The things you mention you are doing I have thought about doing, it does sounds sensible. How are you finding over the phone counselling? I have thought about this but just not sure how effective it is from not being face to face.
Ive been exercising even just in the house as self isolation meant I could not leave for 14 days also.
I will start facing walks this week.
Its confusing how to feel if that makes sense… Some days I’m distraught, some days I tear up over small things and triggers other days I feel ok and then I feel guilty for being OK… I’ve never had as close a bereavement. My man was the most amazing guy and we grew together as people. I’ve started reading a book which I could recommend, barely through it but some of it I can relate to already - it’s about Cognitive behavioural therapy and dealing with grief.
Anyway I dont mean to mention me the whole way through but thought I’d share just to try and allow you to relate and know you are not alone.
I find some kind of comfort just knowing I’m not alone. I hope this gives you something.
Jade x

8

Thanks Mrs C. I definitely think we are still in shock, it’s true.

I don’t necessarily enjoy my walks - even though I’m in beautiful surroundings I can’t seem to relate to them or gain pleasure … however, I do it because I have faith that my resolution to keep going and hopefully to see the good things around me is what will eventually lead to actually seeing them. If any of that makes sense!

Also, the cat is far better at sleeping and catching spiders than she is at being emotionally supportive!

Thanks again.

1 Like
9

Hi Jade

Thanks for sharing all that, and I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. I think that there is probably a difference in response to a sudden death (?). I don’t know, this is all new to me. But what I do know is that during the week that my dad was in hospital, and the week after that leading up to the funeral, I was coping ok. I was very upset, and it was the scariest time of my life, but I was able to function all right, be practical etc. I was fine getting up in the morning. However, after the funeral (I call it a funeral, he was cremated alone whilst me, my sister and my mum connected via WhatsApp), it’s been a different story. I don’t cry - having previously thought of myself as a ‘cryer’, this doesn’t seem to be available to me - but I feel absolutely horrible. Depressed, anxious, panicky and lost. The overriding thing is the anxiety, which really never goes away - at the moment at least. I think there’s an amount of PTSD going on.

In terms of the counselling, I’m not sure how much it’s helping. I don’t find the fact that it’s not face to face a problem, it’s possibly just that it’s early? Or that people differ in their reactions? I’m sorry, I’m not sure yet and I realise that I’m not being very articulate. But I would say definitely worth a try.

CBT has helped me a great deal in the past - what is the name of the book? I’ve been reading Anxiety: the Missing Stage of Grief by Sarah Bidwell. This is good (although I have got to the part where she is prescribing writing a letter and I can’t face it! I’m sure it’s a good idea, though - I’ll have to be brave).

Whether you have lost your loved one through COVID-19, whether it’s sudden, unexpected or the culmination of a long illness or whatever the circumstances, these strange times we find ourselves in make the whole process extremely difficult from a number of perspectives. Not least the fact that we can’t be together at precisely the time when we really need to be. It’s horrible.

But we will get through. Unfortunately we have to go through the pain in order to come out of it (by which I mean finding a way of living with it without extreme distress). But our loved ones meant everything to us, how could we feel otherwise?

I’m rambling now! Thanks again for your reply - I do appreciate it.

Take care.

10

I think you are right. Sudden is traumatic. I was on holiday visiting a best friend when I got the call. They reckon he fell the downstairs of our flat but many unanswered questions makes things massively distressing for me and the many thoughts around how this actually happened especially just the actual picture of him falling.

You say it happened after the ‘funeral’, where you never actually really got to say goodbye you started feeling like this. I initially cried distraught on finding out and felt numb and had to make the 30 hour journey home days after. I would wake up anxious and still often do I think with having to wake from the calm of sleep to find it’s not actually been a nightmare and he’s not here anymore. It’s the realisation of reality possibly. Lost I also feel but I have had to put thought into moving and initially had to focus on something, it’s the putting the one foot in front of the other
… I think it’s a pure loss of control of the way our lives have decided to go and it’s just so unfair along with the massive gap that’s been left. My moods so variable. If you are feeling ‘depressed’ you should speak to your gp, I don’t know how long it’s been but if you feel maybe after some time that’s the case or you are getting worse then there would be no harm in this. I work in healthcare so have some understanding of things but in no way am I telling you what to do, I’m sure you know this already and this is not anything I have specialised in. I also feel actually I have little understanding of how we should feel, at what stage. Although do realise It’s a unique experience. Whilst all I know is this is such a physically painful experience and you can never prepare for it or know how to feel .org how you ‘should’ feel.
It does sound like you actually have a good understanding/ self awareness of how you are feeling and How this relates to grief/trauma . It’s amazing you are trying to put one foot in front of the other, I suppose that’s how we should be and it wouldn’t be normal or healthy to just rush into anything.
I am holding out until when it would be possible to get people together and we can do a celebration of life properly . I’m sure you are too and maybe thinking of that is too hard but maybe thinking what you’d want might help. I don’t know if making a photo album/scrap book would be of any comfort. I have thought of this.

Don’t apologise for not being sure. Exactly maybe it’s too early, I don’t think there’s harm in trying something. I will probably consider this as it looks like this lockdown could go on for a while and this time isn’t getting any easier.

You are right despite the circumstances it is horrible, and even more horrible in the situation we are left in because of what’s going on right now.

I’ll have a look for the book, anxiety has been something I have had in the past and with the feeling returning many days now in such an intense way , it may prove useful.
‘Overcoming grief ‘ : a self guide using CB techniques by Sue Morris. It includes chapters on ‘your story’, ‘griefs hold’, ‘permission to grieve ‘, ‘the firsts’ ‘difficult conversations’…

You are right it’s trying to find a way of being able to live and carry the distress of it all. Life is cruel. I hope you have a good support network, certainly words are just words but I have found comfort or sense in speaking to certain ones who have been through hard times despite not being necessarily the same circumstance.
You also take care in this hard time,
Thankyou for sharing, it helps me relate to something especially my emotional journey at the moment . Please take care and sorry if I’ve rambled on x

11

I think there will be a significant post traumatic depression, after the pandemic ceases. It will be felt by the world over, especially people like yourselves, who lost a loved one to the virus. You will not be alone. Complicating this, is that no one is allowed proper grieving, neither grief support groups. Grieving can be helped by self-isolation as it is such a hard, hard time. But, it can hurt, because other people can be a distraction from being thrown into this pit. Losing my father was like being hit by a 2x4. I understand the intense emotional trauma you are suffering. Now, is the time to be very easy on yourself.

12

@photojenny Jenny, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad to Covid19. What an absolutely horrendous ordeal for you and your family in what is already an anxious, scary and stressful time. How brave you are to have such a strong mental attitude this early on - I applaud you. You may not feel like it right now but you are so strong. I lost my Dad 5 months ago to a sudden heart attack at home, I found him. You’re right - there is a different response to sudden deaths but the grief hits all the same places.
I was in the middle of my Diploma in Counselling at University when it happened and never made it back to work before this virus took over. What I can suggest, is that it might be too early for counselling yet. I went for counselling just 1 month after it happened because I found myself spiralling into major anxiety and panic attacks. I physically and mentally could not take the shock that was taking over my body - I mean, I couldn’t even go into the shops or be around much people at all. My circle consisted of two friends and my partner. I’ve been told that it’s advised to wait at least 6 months before seeking therapy. I’m sure it’s different for everyone but it seems reasonable to me that we wait for some of the initial shock to wear off before trying to delve into feelings. I just found myself going in circles or just crying for the hour and handing over £60 for it. How has over the phone been for you?
My heart aches for you that social distancing is even a thing and you can’t even receive some hugs and contact. For now I’ll send virtual, and best wishes. Please take it very easy and slow. Try to get some sleep and keep up some kind of diet. Put all this time to planning the best celebration of life for your Dad that you can. And remember, love never dies.

Take care x

1 Like
13

Hello Jenny

Everyone’s experience is so unique and personal, so I can’t say ‘I know how u feel’. What I can share though is that I lost my dad to COVID-19 3 days before your father was admitted to hospital. Like your father, my dad deteriorated and died with 7 days. I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in your pain. I feel lost, guilt, anger, sad all at the same time. In fact there are days I don’t know how to feel. You seem to be doing the best you can and you know that’s all we can do. Take one day at a time. There are no rules to have we should grieve… we just have to do what we can to keep our head above water. My mom and I were also In isolation as we were his carers… I was so anxious about loosing my mom too, and this impacted on my ability to grieve for my father properly. The situation was unbearable and still is. This is the first time I’ve lost someone close. All I do is eat, sleep and talk to family… I’m finding it hard to do the things I used to enjoy.

Please know your not alone Jen… and your doing the best you can in such painful times. Take the best care xxx