Today is one of those days!
I feel I am in a dark space - all by myself - unloved and uncared for!
Which is not true - my kids have been supportive - I have good friends but today is very very lonely and I feel very sorry for myself
It is so sad! I have flash s of Jack in front of me - and I miss him and there is nothing I can do
Well well
Tomorrow is another day !!
Sadie x
Dear Sadie, I think we can all relate to your dark space. I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day. I think we will always have those days occasionally, there is no getting away from them. The longing for our loved ones will never cease. Sending you a great big hug xx
And another big hug Sadie. I know, we all know those dark days. Will they ever stop? I think they will, or just appear now and then. I get them too. I think we all do. Forget!!? No way, but we can maybe ease the pain just a little.
You are far from unloved and uncared for. It’s not the same I know, but we care and send love.
Take care. Another hug to get you over the day. (!!!)
Sorry you are having a dark day. I have these too and quite frequently but it has only been a few weeks and it is just beginning to be real for me. Sending a hug . You do have people who care and love you.
One of the best things about this forum is how people understand and empathise with you
Thank you for your hugs
I don’t think the dark will completely disappear but I suppose we become more equipped to cope with them
Thank you again for the hugs!!!
Sadie xx
Hi Sadie, Hope your having a better day. I know that some days can be total misery. I think your very right we learn to cope. We have no choice do we.
Take care
Pat xxx
No Pat - we have no choice
Much better day today!
How are things for you?
Xx
Well after about 10 tear free days on the trot I woke this morning and knew instantly the run had come to an end 
not stopped crying since I got up, feel like I am getting dragged under again. Weather is not good so can’t go out although when I feel like this I just want solitude and to be in my sanctuary. I know I have friends and family who would be here in a flash if I asked them but I need to get used to feeling like this and dealing with it as sadly I think it is going to be the norm from now on for not just me but all of us on here.
Sending love to all those who are also having a struggle today 
V xx
V,
I understand!
It touched me what you said - I also have family that I could ask to come but I am also am aware that this is my life and I have to get used to be alone and lonely.
When I saw you message I was just thinking that I must create/ find a group that would meet every so often on weekends.!
I have 4 kids and I am finding that although very supportive in some aspects are too involved with their lives - and I feel bad about complaining because they do helped me a lot when Jack died. There is also a daughter that is always contacting and seeing me - but I don’t want to be there all the time - she needs time with her family without me hanging around every moment and another daughter lives in the US
At the moment I am doing some embroidery as it helps me to keep steady - have lots of candles around be Jack’s urn , so in a way he is here and in an hours time will go for a walk - sod the weather!!
But as we say we have to learn to find peace as life presents its self
Take care
Sadie xx
I’m afraid I’ve been in a pretty dark place too - it was our anniversary on Monday and, however hard I’ve tried to snap myself out of it, I’ve spiralled right down to the bottom of the pit again. I couldn’t even go to work on Thursday or Friday. I rang in and lied to them that I’ve had a bad migraine. That’s not me. I don’t lie, mainly because I’m no bloody good at it, but I just couldn’t face going in and putting on an act that I’m okay when I’m not. I’ve only got out of bed to feed the cats and have spent the last 3 days either crying or staring into space. It hit me an hour or so ago that I haven’t showered or cleaned my teeth since Wednesday! I’m so glad that I don’t get visitors - I must be Stinky McStinkface by now.
It’s so strange that I fell apart a couple of days after our anniversary. I did have a weep at 4 o’clock on Monsay, which was the time we got married, but I made it through the rest of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Wednesday evening, I got home from work and just fell apart. It felt like it did in the first few days all over again - crying, screaming and banging my head on the wall. Since then I’ve just been… absent. I feel, like the Floyd said - “There’s someone in my head, but it’s not me”
Bottom line guys is it’s shit
Hi Sadie and other friends . Actually had quite a good few days, well as good as it get’s these days. Getting used to having to cope.
I went for a really nice walk with dogs yesterday (Friday) lovely sunny weather, it made me feel a lot better. I walked a smashing beach which we both did often. Of course I thought about Brian, I always do. Today was cold and miserable but I don’t mind that and worked on our allotments, nice chats with other members. So far so good, then I wrote my diary this evening and all of a sudden a vision of Brian came into my head. He was strong, in his walking gear and striding along the beach with me as we did so often and in seconds I was in bits. I can’t explain it but my thoughts of him seemed as if he had been with me yesterday on that walk. I like to think that he is reminding me of happier times and the things we liked to do together, why else would he have suddenly appeared so clearly. I’d had a good day and wasn’t feeling too bad.
It’s so frustrating we try so hard and then find ourselves struggling for no reason at all. Oh well see what tomorrow brings.
Pat xxx
Send you a big warm hug Skywise
Be sad but brush your teeth and have a shower - you may not feel better but at least you will be clean !!
We do have those dark days !
I send you lots of love
Sadie xxx
Pay, it is a challenge to have good days - today I had to work really hard to keep well.
And I feel proud of me that I manage to survive and survive well ! Haven’t talked to anyone but went out , looked at different types of kitchen for the house one day o will move to and started sorting out things that need to be thrown away !!!
But very hard work
Sadie xx
Yes I know Sadie, it’s hard but the main thing is that you did these things. Might not seem much and can seem like climbing a mountain with a ton of weights on our back at times but if we do manage to push ourselves then that is part of the healing process. (I hope).
Little steps !!!
Love Pat xxx
You are right Pat!! little steps
On my way must be careful not to become bitter and twisted
On Friday my sister said that she would contact me if we were meeting on Saturday or Sunday - well - 9 pm on Saturday she texted me and say what time we meet tomorrow?
What? So i told her i have made other plans :nails done, sauna , church - meeting her would have been more fun but i feel infuriated to be expected to available whenever!!!
I HATE the life i have now - but slowly slowly - even hating it i will find a way to learn to live alone and turn my loneliness into solitude!!
love and hugs and more love
Sadie xx
Just had a long, hot Radox bath, cleaned my teeth and had a decent, healthy meal so I’m a fair way back to being human again I’m going to change the bed and spray some lavender on the pillow - it’s amazing how being clean and having a proper meal can lift your spirits, then I’ll clean the house when I get up tomorrow, I haven’t touched it for weeks and it’s starting to look like a "How Clean Is Your House’ house. I just haven’t been able to motivate myself for weeks. Nothing feels worth the effort.
I have to start recognising the signs when I start spiralling down so I can try to halt it before it gets too bad - I’m not sure how, but there must be a way, mustn’t there?
Hi Pat, it was a great vision you had of Brian and one day you’ll have these visions and smile instead of cry. I too had a vision of my husband David today. He was a keen cyclist and I envisioned him out riding on his bike - he was so damn sexy on a bike. Hot damn, he was sexy! My vision made me smile 
. Here’s to more smiles than tears 
. Much love Pat xx
HURRAY!!! HURRAY !!!
Sadie
xxx
Hi Kate, yes it was good to see Brian looking so fit and well again, striding along beside me. He was also a cyclist, we both was and he was also sexy especially when I could get him into his shorts. I am looking at one of him now sat on a rock while we was out walking. In shorts!!! Wow…
(He would die of embarrassment if he knew I was writing about him like this.)
Love Pat xxx