Dark days with a little glimmer

Losing a partner
#1

Please forgive yet another ramble - but I wanted to just express how I am feeling and it really helps to ‘talk’.

Some days are definitely worse than others - and those days are awful. I had one of those days last weekend - so many tears over almost everything. I did not have my list, I was tired so thought I should have a dressing gown day - but it made me realise that I need to keep busy to stay positive. It was all the little things - a glimpse of his photo by the bed - it was taken at one of his favourite places and he looked so happy - and I realised that would be the last time I saw him there; his shoe that fell out of the shoe cupboard - he would never walk in those again - a circular from the cruise company - no more of those wonderful holidays that were filled with laughter and the good things in life - Just everything seemed to say no more - life with him is over. I think at the back of my mind I still feel like I am waiting for him to come back to me - that this is not real life this is the pretend world and I am just passing time until it all clicks back into normal. It was in reality a bad day. But after writing in my journal, pouring my heart out to him - as I do almost every day - there was a single white feather on the bed. From where it came I have no idea - it was certainly not there when I started writing. I felt he was saying no more crying, I am still here you just cannot see or touch me.

So after a day of despair and many tears - another glimmer came the next morning. I heard some music on the tv and for the first time since I lost him I did not turn it off and realised I enjoyed it. This is progress for me - I have not been able to listen to any music since I lost him as he was a musician - it was him - he was the music. He used to write songs and play them to me - how I wish I could listen to him now, And then I did something really positive - I downloaded the album of the song I had just listened too, And I really hope I can now play this and enjoy it. This is my glimmer - the ray of sunshine through the clouds. I think I am proud of myself.

And today after work - I sobbed all the way home in the car. Barely held it together on the walk from the office to the car park and then could not stop - the ache of missing him was so great. I knew an empty house awaited me and we used to chat so much on the journey - hands free of course. But we were chatters - for 40 years we talked and talked and I miss that so much. But the glimmer of something beautiful came later. When I picked my daughter up from the station as we drove home the most amazing sunset was ahead - all the beautiful pinks and oranges and the almost ethereal blue between the brightness. It was so lovely and I thought I can see that and appreciate it. I would not have even noticed it a couple of months ago,

We shall see of course - but I need to take stock of these little glimmers - I need them to keep me going - to keep me on the path through the dark days. This grief is the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I really do not know how each day will be. The tears - always, the smiles - sometimes, the joy - not yet. I loved him so much and I know he loved me with all his heart - it was the most amazing forty years - how the next years will pan out I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Just keeping it together for my two lovely children who he loved and was so proud of.

Weekends are hard - especially bank holidays - so I know it will be bad for almost all of you - whatever you are doing you will be missing the times with your lost loved ones. Sending you many hugs and a storm of white feathers - wouldn’t that be amazing!

Trisha xx

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#2

Oh my God Trisha! What a beautiful heartfelt post. You had me in tears. It’s ok though, tears of such empathy. It’s just how I feel, and have said it far more eloquently than I could. It shows how much we can help one another in this difficult time. Your post has sure uplifted me.
The hope in your message is self evident, and those glimmers of light are what I have and they do get brighter, slowly and bit by bit.
Listening to music that you enjoyed together without feeling so much pain is another big move forward.
“The tears-always, the smiles-sometimes the joy- not yet”.
Tears and smiles do come, but joy will take time. I wonder if many feel as I do that a life well lived is better than no life at all? What you describe is a journey. A journey not only of pain and fear and anguish, but one of learning.
What a bumpy road it is, so many pitfalls to be overcome.
We learn so much about ourselves and this awful experience. Out of pain can come love. It’s true. I have met so many whose lives were changed so much by adversity. Many have gone into caring professions because they have empathy and know.
I found a white feather in the garden where my wife used to sit. Maybe, just maybe there is an effort at communication. It helps me to know that.
Take special care of yourself. Blessings A hug.

#3

Oh Trisha
A glimmer in such darkness and despair I hope we all find some one day. Your posts are so heartfelt and you put into words what all of us are feeling and hoping for. Your husband will be proud of you! not only how you are dealing with your own broken heart but helping others in the same situation.
Thank you xx

#4

It’s just over a year for me, and I’ve found that the glimmers get bigger, and there are more of them. Sometimes it seems like they join up with other glimmers and make a patch of light. For me, I’ve absolutely no doubt that things are becoming different. Not better, just different. The passage of time has enabled me to grow into being different and it’s not all bad.

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#5

Hello Trisha, that is the most expressive of posts. My heart hurts for your pain but oh I envy you for having had that special love. I wish you blessings on your journey x

#6

What wonderful inspirational messages. I can’t really follow any of them. However I will tell you about my weird few days. I offered to look after the grand children age 7 and 10 yrs for a few days. Suddenly I wasn’t sure that I would be able to cope. I have become a bit of a loner I admit and find I like my own company and peace and quiet. When they arrived I suddenly thought ‘I can’t do this’, I wanted to be on my own. but I did manage and we had a smashing time. You see I am their daft ‘Nanny Pat’ and they don’t see my pain, but we do talk about Granddad Brian as if he was there with us, I can talk freely about him, they are children but their simple understanding is so appreciated, so that was my glimmer for me. We went to the local beach. We was searching for shells and stones all was well, then suddenly as I stood looking out to sea I felt that pain that attacks when we least expect it. The tears came but kept my head looking downwards so no one could see them. I then began to wonder if the tears are meant to be. Our loved ones reminding us that they are still there with us, not wanting us to forget after all the tears do represent our love. So from now on my tears are going to mean that Brian is reminding me. Hopefully tears of love and not misery.

Trisha, I too try to listen to Brian singing. He would learn a song in a couple of days and be singing it on stage within the week, goodness knows how he managed that. I know how hard it is. But I can hear his voice and see photo’s of him on stage. I have photo’s of him strong and well when we was away walking. I keep asking, WHY. But it does no good to dwell, there will never be an answer. So I am pushing on with life and like you all looking for that light and yes I agree that the life we have is still precious and I agree that a life well lived is still better than no life at all, as painful as it might be at the moment.

You inspire me to keep going and god willing we will all find that light. Our loved ones will become a wonderful memory that will bring us joy, not sorrow.
Everyday I pray for Hope and happiness to come back into my life and as I sat on a bench today eating an over expensive sickly Ice cream with my grand kids and then having a picnic I realised that, yes, that light is trying to break through the darkness and it will get there.
Bless to you all

Pat xxxx

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#7

What a beautiful thread…thank you Trisha for initiating it. Here’s hoping that everyone has a few special glimmers of their own this weekend and beyond. Take care x

#8

Thank you all for your lovely comments and messages. Looking for a glimmer today as yesterday the tears came out of the blue again - when I was not expecting them - you never know do you. I was out shopping with my daughter and he used to tell us off (in a jokey way) that he had the dinner ready for us - and I felt I should be rushing home to see him so he would not have to juggle what he was cooking. And I felt guilty too as if we had left him at home - but he hated shopping anyway. We went out for dinner after shopping and again I felt he should have been there too and was so sad- so yet more tears.

The glimmer did come though. We realised the washing was still out when we got home, it was dark and we debated leaving it there until the morning but the foxes have been known to take things off the line to play with them so decided we would bring it in using the security light … And there on the ground by the washing line was another single feather - as if to say he knew we would be out there. Am I clutching at straws - probably, but why not? And as for the foxes I could not work out what was on the lawn this morning - it appears to be the bottom half of a man’s birkenstock sandal - so they were definitely out there playing and at least it was not with anything left on the line.

Pattidot - I love your analogy that the gentle tears are our loved ones reminding us they are there. I will use that one going forward as a comfort. We need to take comfort where we can .

Take care all.

Trisha xxx

#9

lovely passage Trisha, most definitely straight from your heart. the glimmers of hope are what keeps us striving towards the different life we eventually begin to lead, our husbands/wives may not be with us in their earthly form but most certainly treading every step alongside us in spirit form.

it’s wonderful that Gary is continuing to send you messages even if it’s just to let you know he’s close by. hold these glimmers close, they’re very precious ☆

#10

This thread is wonderful and thank you so much Trisha for creating it. I cannot add anything that you or anyone else has said or thought. I too found a white feather unexpectedly 4 weeks ago and it helped me so much and if it was me looking for signs then I don’t care. The feather is now on my bedside table and it is my Ed who sent it to me I’m sure. We all share so much on this site and reading these posts that mirror my thoughts and life that has changed so sadly is the greatest most precious gift ever.

#11

Hello Trisha
Your words are so lovely!
It is so hard everyday.
As you know I know how you feel.
I sold Mikes car yesterday and saying goodbye to his car was so sad. The house will be the next thing to go. Its as if everything is going but not everything! Mike is in my thoughts everyday. Not a day goes by without he is with me mentally but just wish like you they were with us physically.
I had a restless night last night and felt quite sick this morning so have stayed indoors. I actually managed to pick up a duster and sort some paperwork out.
I know you will keep busy with work, friends and family and visiting guests. I feel very lucky to be one of your friends and will always be here for you as I know you are there for me.
Life is not fair but lets hope in time we can both feel happier, You have certainly helped me. You are a special person and Gary knew that, thats why you had such a special life together just like me and Mike.
You have a wonderful family who will give you strength and you them.
Lots of love to you now and always Suexxx

#12

I too look for the white feathers and put them in jar. On Thursday while out with the grandkids we found lots of feathers and they was delighted and kept saying “Look granddad Brian is out with us today. He’s letting us know” The next day we didn’t see a feather and they again commented about this and decided that Granddad Brian had done enough walking the day before and was having a rest. How I love their comments.
My glimmer has come today as I walked early this morning with my dogs. Along tracks and fields and into beautiful woodland. Lovely thoughts came into my head and tears started as Brian and I walked this route often. My tears I decided were Brian jogging my memory that he was still around and the tears were of my love for him. Glimmers of light are all around us if we look for them through those inevitable tears.
God Bless

Pat xxx

#13

Dear Sue

It is so nice we have become friends through this forum.

It is sad saying goodbye to things and I do not know what I will do with regard to the music room - but that is James’s heritage and I know he finds it hard so we will leave it as it is for the time being. Our husbands will still be with us wherever we are - those material things did mean something and the very special bits that have the memories attached still do, but it was the love that mattered not the things and that will never go.
I am sorry you did not feel up to much today - but well done on the duster. I cleaned the hoover out today - really living it up! Have a houseful at present - but they are all beautifying now ready for the evening ahead. I will therefore wait until they have gone out and hit tescos then.

Will text you

Trisha xx

#14

Dear Pat

How lovely that you are enjoying the time with your grandchildren. Children are far more accepting than adults and are completely honest - what a lovely age they are when they still believe in fairies. The walks with your dogs sound wonderful - you are so descriptive of the walks you take I can picture them. And yes we are so small compared to the beauty of nature.
I hope we can meet up when we come to the island.
Take care. I will be in touch.
Trisha xx

#15

Today I laughed out loud ! i’ve not done that since January!
My lovely boys called for lunch and stayed til late afternoon which as always was lovely! Then on my own i started thinking how much i now dislike bank holidays as Paul and I were always off in our motor home. I decided to go in to the garden and busy myself as too many tears this weekend already. After 2 hours of painting the fence in my own little world I went to wash the brushes. passing the mirror i noticed my face covered in splashes of paint , I could hear my Paul saying you’ve more on your face than on the fence! he always said Ang you do a job and make a job !!! I really did laugh to myself then washed my face! Hope you all, my new friends have had a glimmer this weekend too xx

#16

Dear Ange

Laughing is definitely a glimmer. I am away with my daughter . Missing my husband so much but she has made me laugh so much as she has her dad’s wicked sense of humour . Yes we have had tears but that laughter we shared last night was a whole beam of sunlight rather than just a glimmer.
Xx

#17

Treasure the beams of sunshine Trisha and enjoy the time with your daughter.
I feel so proud of my boys when they laugh and torment me , even though their hearts are broken. They’ve inherited this from their Dad. He always made me laugh and often annoyed me when he was in a tormenting mood ! If only …
take care x

#18

Dear ange
Many more tears last night but that is because we both miss him so much . Gary could torment me too until I was ready to explode - as you say ‘if only’ … today we went shopping and that was ok as he hated shopping . Bought my daughter a lovely handbag and he would have said ‘how much!!! - and we would have knocked a bit off !! Smiles mixed with tears xxx

#19

Dear ange
Many more tears last night but that is because we both miss him so much . Gary could torment me too until I was ready to explode - as you say ‘if only’ … today we went shopping and that was ok as he hated shopping . Bought my daughter a lovely handbag and he would have said ‘how much!!! - and we would have knocked a bit off !! Smiles mixed with tears xxx

#20

How much! that’s what Paul said so many times! we’re from yorkshire !
so it’s a joke between us but truthfully he was so generous to us all ! i so miss him , i miss so much so many wonderful memories I can’t go there today, as we all do xx Hope she likes her handbag! shoes to match next week ha ha

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