Hallo, I’ve just joined this site and just want to connect with people really……
I lost my lovely mum 27th April after she had been in hospital for only three weeks.
It came as a huge shock
My mum was all I had.
I stayed with her for her last hours however I have a brother who despises me. He has refused to speak to me, and by extension my daughter (and my son-in-law now too) for quite a few years. In fact I last spoke to him at our father’s funeral 17 years ago.
I had a difficult and tumultuous relationship with my father. He was a very jealous, angry man that showed his loathing of me by using emotional abuse. I believe that he was on the autistic spectrum as my daughter is and she displays eerily similar behaviours, although not the intense hate, thankfully.
I have raised her alone since she was born.
Her and my son-in-law live with me and I am a carer to both.
On mums last day, I telephoned my brother to let him know and he, along with his girlfriend, sat with mum too.
It was an awful time as neither one spoke to any of us and I just felt waves of hatred and judgement from him. He wouldn’t look at me and stopped any attempts I made to engage him in conversation. I remained polite.
After mum passed, we were waiting for the doctor to confirm and when he had finished his examination, my brother and his girlfriend walked back into the room, collected their jackets and left.
No words of comfort offered to his niece (and he has no photos of her either as he refused when she was born as he “didn’t want anyone thinking she was his”), nothing said to my son-in-law…. Not even a goodbye to our mum.
Throughout the bedside vigil he never spoke to any of us and his girlfriend remained silent too.
He has the means to help pay for mums funeral but refused.
I had to start a Go Fund Me to raise money towards this.
My mum chose to have a direct cremation and she was cremated yesterday morning at 8.30.
I am dealing with sorting out mums effects, bungalow, finances etc on my own whilst caring for my daughter and son-in-law and grieving myself.
I feel so alone and empty without my mum. We were very close and spent a lot of time together.
I am totally lost without her.
I’m sorry for rambling and writing such a long post, but if you have managed to plough through it until the end, thank you 
Hello @Nirvana ,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. Family relationships can be so difficult, especially around bereavement. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Thank you very much Alex.
Hi Nirvana,
I am so sorry about your mum and what you have been through
Take small steps every day. My mum used to tell me don’t worry about people who don’t worry about you. Those words are very true. You cannot choose your family and so don’t let it upset you more than you have to.
Carry on doing whatever you need to do for your mum and be proud of yourself because there are probably lots of things to do.
I too did everything after my mum passed as my brother and sister lived away so I understand how daunting the task can be. However for me I found it fine because I could organise and do everything on my own in peace and at my own pace.
Just do things slowly and a bit at a time.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
I am so sorry you have had so much to cope with at this time on your own. I can only imagine your brother feels a great deal of guilt for how he has acted and tries to justify it. Sadly he will need to live with that for a very long time. You however helped your mum and are clearly very caring, strong and kept your family safe.
Please take care of yourself at this time and take things hour by hour if you need to x
Thank you x
With help from my friends and one of my late mums neighbours, plus my son-in-law’s parents, we cleared mums bungalow.
There’s only a few bits left to take to the household recycling centre.
My brother has not been in touch nor made any attempt to.
Thanks to the Go Fund Me, we raised all but £348 of the funeral costs.
Still plugging through the paperwork and sorting out mums bills etc
I need to collect mums ashes from the crematorium apparently.
Had a letter today about this.
Doctor signed me off work for another 2 weeks but I will go back after the note runs out as I need to get my normal routine back….
Although I’m dreading it as my normal routine consisted of going to see my mum ……
I can empathise, mum was such a part of my routine, calls, doctors, trips, coffee and catch up.
That’s great you were able to finalise the bungalow.
Work is hard but yes might give you some routine, sadly there is no note I can have as self employed but I did take first week off and reduced hours next 2 weeks, this week back to similar hours to normal. But very hard thankfully i work from home for privacy in grief.
I hope when you collect the ashes you can make some nice decisions for your mum and you that will bring you some comfort.
I am due the same call this week or next i think.
Deborah you did well, I can empathise as mine don’t live as close and also neither good at admin so have handled 95% of things, painful on top of grieving
Oh Deborah, I wish I was organised! I am a little bit but I often just muddle around!!
Hi Sophie8,
Thank you . It was hard going but I managed to get everything done in the end. Feel like I have had another loss though now the house has sold as it was my childhood home and mu was the last relative i had who lived in the town so when i go there now i have no one.
Deborah x
Hi Nirvana,
I just took ages to sort it all as i did it slowly and i didnt want any help I went to her house on my own every time and just did a little bit each time . I felt her things were so personal that only I could look through them and handle her things. I am glad I did it without help from my brother and sister as it wouldnt have been the same
Deborah x
My mum was in rented accommodation and thankfully the landlord gave me 28 days to clear it…
I’ve put paperwork in a folder to go through at my own pace & trying to do a little each day.
Yesterday I phoned the energy company.
Today I filled in and sent the form for mums lease car and tomorrow I’m going to call the crematorium to make an appointment to pick up mum….
In a way it is nice that it’s just me but I do get overwhelmed which is only natural I suppose.
My daughter is doing her best to support me but is limited by her disability, as is my son-in-law. They have been total stars though and I’m very proud of both of them for how they are coping with such a massive loss.
I feel you, wish I had cleared mums toom on my own as my brother rushed me because he ‘didn’t want to come back to this place’. I had asked him twice to stop so we could decide slowly. Wish I had kept her white coat but he said it was dirty and just got rid.
Hi Nirvana and Sophie8,
Just pace yourself Nirvana. I used to make a list each time I went to mum’s house and I stuck to it. Didn’t do anymore as it would have upset me too much. I did all her clothes in one wardrobe one day Just took them on their hangers and put in the car Another day I did the shed. Another day all the draws in the house but just put the draws straight into the car to sort on my home And do on until I needed my husband to do certain jobs like taking poles down etc Again he had a list and just beavered on like a robot I guess you could explain it.
Lots of people offered like neighbours but I went to mum’s house when they were on work and was gone before they came home.
I removed furniture at night when it was dark for nosey neighbours didn’t see much. I didn’t put a for sale sign up as didn’t want to explain to people mum’s house was on the market
She was a very quiet person who kept herself to herself so that’s the way I continued after she passed
When people saw it advertised on line I had people messaging me asking if they could have the curtains or the FIFA or washing machine and they saw the photos.
I had never felt so disgusted in all my life. It caused me a lot of upset. Some were from people who never visited mum.
Thankfully my son is buying a flat as Nd most of the things he will have as I brought everything back to store in my house.
Hope you both are doing okish.
Deborah x
Hi Deborah that is a lot for you. I know what you mean about husband being beaverish, mine is like that and I think it helps him know he can be doing something.
People are disgusting sometimes wow can’t believe they asked about her things when you were selling.
One of my siblings, 10 mins before we signed the death cert, was asking me how much there was, what would we all get, can you believe that. I am so angry but they are like that and we have had issues in the past where I took POA so I could protect mum and they would still get her to pay for things. get loans even though they have money. Too busy to spend much time with her unless they wanted something.
In my case thankfully I keps mums affairs simple, had sold property, had all finances in one main place, so no busy bodies like you have had to face. Well except father in law who is nosey and already prodding husband for info, I have said he needs to say nothing, it’s private.
Hi Sophie8,
So sorry I havent been on here for a few days as been away.
Yes some people can be very forward and I found out who the true friends and people were.
I am finally getting used to mums house being sold. She told me to sell it before she passed so I know I did the right thing.
Its also a load off my mind as i used to worry about it being empty.
Its strange but I felt it would be terrible when it was sold but the worst thing was mum passing so nothing compares to that.
How have you been lately?
Deborah x
Hope you had a nice time away. I am finding it very lonely so the FB group I joined helps as we are all feeling similar.
My siblings are not in touch much, but neither am I , think we are struggling and I have more admin to sort on top. Maybe in a few weeks we will be more able to.
Friends have all quietened down hence the FB group being helpful.
Good that you sold the place and can now not worry about it, she wanted you to sell.
Hiya Sophie8,
It took a while before my sister started messaging me after mum passed. She lives in London so at least 6 hrs drive from me and hardly came down to see mum. I did make my feelings known at the time and she went quiet for almost a year. Then suddenly out of the blue she got in touch and has ever since. I think well I know we all deal with things differently so I didnt mention anything . I dont want any arguments and mum wouldn’t have wanted us to fall out. People need space to come to terms with what had happened and to reflect on how to go forward I guess.
The admin side of everything is huge and i found it so upsetting. Its done for me know so thankfully I am over the worse.
Are you back in work yet?
I think you mentioned you are self employed. What work do you do?
I am retired so its wonderful not to have work to worry about.
Keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi don’t get me wrong we have some whatsapp messages, my younger sibling is 20 min away and we talk sometimes, but the one I wanted to hear more from is up North and busy with kids and his work, he’s a single dad.
I am glad you are in touch now, that’s good to have the support even if just on phone not living close. I am mindful yes we are all different, I am crying daily and think it’s harder purely as I lived with and cared for mum here so long, thankfully she was independent but relied on my company. Then we found a lovely care home and she had found some friends there and had a nice cosy feeling there. The week prior she had been to a Rat Pack event she loved.
I am self employed working from home, so not much company anway, but it’s half term now so taking my son to the cinema later which will force me to get on the bus and we will have a nice time. i went back after around 10 days but lower hours, kind of back to normal hours now but flexible and clients have been very understanding. i am a book keeper but also financial coach. I am 47 so sadly retirement is a way off but thankfully I am not full time.
Need to talk to HMRC, they say no tax due but it’s from 5-14 April 2024 which is crazy and they clearly made a mistake as it’s 23-24 needs looking at, won’t be much.
Tesco are chasing but imagine they won’t do much over £8 as dd has been stopped automatically. Decisions on memorial to be made, somewhere I can visit, trying to look at urns but it’s so hard as it talks about cubic size so have emailed funeral home. It’s so transactional now and depressing.
Thanfully I take time every morning with candles to purposely talk to mum, even though it’s sad and I cry, I feel talking helps.
I created a lovely area in the garden she and I had been talking about, that we would enjoy this Summer, it’s sad to be enjoying it without her but she would have loved that it brings me peace. Hubby and son love it too.
i hope you are having a good day.
Hiya,
I love the garden area idea. A lovely place to go to.
I talk to my mum too. Helps me so much to talk to her photo.
Its probably good to be working from home going through all this grief. Going back to a workplace is probably very hard.
Keep going
Love Deborah x