I’m struggling 30 months on after the death of my husband. It came out of the blue, one minute he was looking for our cat to put her out at bedtime, the next minute he called upstairs in a strange, weak voice " J, heart attack, call ambulance." These were the last words he ever said.
Suddenly, I was dialling 999, going downstairs and following advice. Moments later my darling husband stopped breathing and I was then doing CPR until help arrived.
The paramedics did all they could for over an hour, but in the end the intensive care consultant advised them that they should stop.
We were looking forward to our 40th wedding anniversary in 3 months time and had moved into the countryside to enjoy our retirement only 15 months earlier. Although the coroner told me later that nothing would have helped, I am still struggling with overwhelming grief and though I have two great children they are moving on with their busy lives naturally.
Is there anyone here who’s experienced something similar? I keep seeing pictures in my mind from that time and still can’t believe how it could all happen as it did.
I’ve been to my GP to see if I could get counselling, but ended up with 6 phone sessions which didn’t help partly from a really poor phone reception which when combined with the counsellor’s accent made the calls so difficult as I kept having to ask for advice or responses to be repeated. In the end I dreaded the calls because I hated having to ask for comments to be made again and again - no-one’s fault, but so awkward and full of anxiety.
So is there anyone out there who’s experienced something similar? I feel so alone because noone I know has been through anything like it. At the moment I struggle with moving on, everything seems pointless and I hate the fact I’m alive without him. People were so kind when it happened, but two and a half years on there’s an expectation that I should be getting on with life. Can anyone tell me what helped them? I don’t know who I am any more and there are too many hours in the day.
Hi Janie, i am so sorry for your loss its so painful i know. I lost my partner in October and i was with her holding her hand until the end. I break down in tears each day, i still talk to her as if she were here, i still ask her things like does she like this or that, its so hard to deal with and its so final, there no coming back, theres no more talking together or watching tv together or going for walks etc. I have surrounded myself with memories of her and our times together. I have put together a photo album of our life from when we met right up to date, of all our life events, our holidays, our children in chronological order so that i can look through and think of those times with some comfort. I keep a candle burning next to her picture, i have bought pictures for the walls of places we have visited over the years which take me back to those times. Take time to grieve that is what i am doing and dont fight it just let it happen, there is no time limit on grieving, i have no idea how long i need to grieve but i must let it happen, Theres no rush to move on at all. My wife said to me before she passed that i should get a life now and i try to think of it that i should live life for her as that is what she would have wanted. So i take each day as it comes and try to make little positives by trying to get healthier, now i walk each day, i try to do things which we would have done like walk to the park, walk to the shops. Its important to me to keep her in my mind and try to look back on our life which we shared with happiness and comfort, although it still makes me cry, i try to appreciate our life that we shared and at some point to try and get a life as she wanted for me. I hope you can get through these painful times and i wish you the strength to do so
Hi @JanieM im so sorry for your loss
My husband passed away suddenly 7 weeks ago from acute heart failure and COPD, he was 53.
I found him on sofa and went through similar procedure with CPR and ambulance crews
I am waiting for counselling and i know its still early days for me but i write to him in a journal everyday about how im feeling.
When i think of that moment i look at a photo of him smiling
Go back to your GP and ask for more help
This site is also very helpful and has guides and support available
Sorry i may not be much help but i hope you find some peace soon
Sending hugs x
My husband died suddenly a few weeks ago on 19 November. Heart failure. Collapsed at work. I arrived, after being called while I was in the office, to find paramedics trying everything to bring him round. It was horrid to see. I am finding things very sad and lonely but I am trying very hard to keep busy and stay as positive as I can because I know he wouldn’t want me to be upset, just as I wouldnt want him to be upset if it was the other way round.
Hi Sarahjane i am so sorry for your loss. I too have found that keeping busy helps in some way. Before my wife passed she said to me that i should get a life so i will try to live for her thats what i keep telling myself. I know she wouldnt want me to grieve in this way but i cant help it. I am trying to let the grief just happen and trying not to fight it as its natural, theres no time limit on grieving. I wish you the strength to get through this
Hi there i am so sorry for your loss, its so painful i know. I too suffer with anxiety and depression which affected my life anyway before my loss. The shock has sent you into this awful period of trauma effects and anxiety and i cant imagine how you feel right now. I find that when i feel anxiety i come back to my safe place, its a place at home where i can sit and feel safe from the world. Its nothing special just the living room where i sit on the couch, i have a table in front of me with my laptop and the tv on in the background. When my wife passed i put a little table at the front of me with her picture on and have a candle lit every day. So i call this my safe place, my safe haven where i know i can come back to after i have been out shopping or gone for a walk etc. So when im anxious when im out i know in my mind i can come back to where i feel safe and this calms my anxiety. Its a place i shared with my wife and i feeI her presence. It works for me and helps with my anxiety. Yes i believe anxiety is a normal part of grief. I wish you the strength to cope with this and the funeral and moving forward
Hi everyone, thank you for your support. I’m happiest at home and have put photos up around the house of my partner. My problem is that I don’t want to go out, but also realise that’s not what my husband would want for me. My daughter persuaded me to go back to the doctor to try and get more counselling, but there’s a long wait. I do feel comforted to know that others understand what it’s like as I’ve felt quite isolated. One of the things that still makes me so sad is that I was so busy phoning and doing CPR that I never said I love you before he lost consciousness. Of course I know he knew that because it’s something we said often, but if I’d only known what was going to happen I could have held his hand - I was just too busy on what was ultimately an unwinnable battle. Anyway, thank you all for responding - it means a lot to me. Best wishes to everyone here x
JanieM you were doing more than just holding his hand, or even telling him you loved him. You had your hands around his heart, giving him a chance of life. You were doing your best for him. He’d have known that.
Thank you, it’s difficult to keep hold of that as the truth. I do know that you’re right, but in a situation like that when it’s someone you love so much you want to be able to do everything all at once. I try to accept that it’s impossible and that I did the best I could, but it was so awful and so unfair.
A couple of years ago I held my mum’s hand as she died but although that was also unexpected, she was in hospital and it seemed more natural. My mum was in her eighties and had been unwell for a few months. My husband was only just 63 when he died and we thought we had many happy years of retirement ahead, living in the countryside, living our dream. I hope in time to be able to think of all the good times we had, but I need to find a way out from the depths of despair.
Thank you for saying what you did, it means a lot to have such support. x
JanieM, I totally understand. My wife, Mary once had to give CPR to a man in Sainsbury’s - she didn’t know him but there was an announcement for any first aiders to go to help. She was fully trained in that, but we learnt afterwards that despite her efforts he didn’t make it. My wife felt so guilty for ages after that, even though she did everything she could have done. It must be so hard for you with him being that young. I’m 75 and my wife was 76 last September - we too thought we had a good few years ahead. She died in hospital so suddenly that we’re all numb. Our four children were at her bedside, holding her hands when she died. She’d sent me on an errand, as she wasn’t able to do it as she had planned, and it was vitally important to her that this was done. As they’d reduced her oxygen concentration and were about to give her morphine intravnenously, we all knew what would happen, as she was unable to retain enough oxygen in her blood on her own. She chose that exact time to go, sparing me that ordeal. There was nothing more we, or the doctors could do. Strangely, her mother and father who lived with us did exactly the same - waited until she left the room for a short time.
It will take some time - I think we all realise that here - we’ll never ever forget our loved ones and I’m just trying to remember the great times we had over 38 years together. I cry every time I write a response here, for all of us! We all know we will only be able to take tiny steps, but if you take enough tiny steps you can get anywhere. We’re all here to support when you need that. Much love M xx
I understand how you feel, i lost my beloved husband on 23rd November to cancer, i only had 4 weeks with him from the diagnosis, like you both our kids have their own lives, it was just us two after he retired from the army two years ago, my heart is broken and i struggle everyday to go on without him
Dear @JanieM, I lost my husband in very similar circumstances at the end of April. I too had to perform CPR and though he regained consciousness briefly he soon passed out again. Like you, I didn’t take the chance to tell him I loved him and I’ve also been so upset by that. I am truly sorry for what you’re going through, and hope you find strength going forward… it’s not easy, but we all understand x
It’s so tough. I lost my partner the end of Oct 23. … id known him all my life but we’d been together the past 24 years. He had been put on blood thinners. One v early morning he went to the bathroom and collapsed…i thought he was just messing around at the time. But after paramedics came they confirmed he had a stroke. I didn’t realise this as he showed none of the normal symptoms. They took him to hospital…everything felt against me, it was horrendous weather, gale force winds and torrential rain. When i finally got to the hospital i couldnt get in a there was no A&E so was ages before i found him. I was told he’d suffered a bleed in a crucial part of the brain and wld never make it home again. The last words l heard him say was ‘save me’…OMG, the guilt i had afterwards was horrendous. I had councelling just the once, but it wasn’t for me . I did find that the one session sort of made the guilt go away a little but i was truly broken and kept gng over that night and the following week again and again thinking could i have done more. Did i do the right thing in agreeing to end of life? The palliative care nurse was amazing and said i did save him, and if he had come round, his life would have been a nightmare for him. So that gave me some comfort.
I struggle every day, i talk to him all the time but life’s hard and I’ve no purpose and no idea what I’m meant to do any more. Iv amazing friends, Jimmy’s best friend and his wife have been my main support but everyone has their own lives to live. Jimmys 2 boys are lovely too and keep in touch but i know exactly where you’re coming from, and you’re definitely not alone in how you feel. It’s a very lonely life now for me anyway, it’s just me and my 2 new rescue cats that i got to keep me company… and to give me something to talk to as i think i was turning into a nutter! Xxx
My husband died suddenly at home, in bed next to me. We were just chatting. I think I was in shock for weeks, just functioning on auto pilate. Nothing seemed real. Now, 8 months on, I think my brain is still confused. It never occurred to me that this could happen. We thought we had years left together and I was sure he would outlive me…he was so active and robust. I can relate to all of you posting here and having to make new lives for ourselves. It is so hard. Love to you all xx
Its been two weeks since i lost my partner. It was so sudden. Waiting for the ambulance and performing CPR was so shocking. I am still so numb and riddled with guilt and longing. I feel like going with her life seems pointless now. Each day is so empty. I was her carer and i lost my temper and said horrible things. But would never give up on her.its still the funeral to come in a week. I have a loving family but still alone.X
My partner had afew health issues and i did all his appointments for him and everything . I’d get frustrated with him as felt he wasn’t helping himself, so we’d also have the odd stupid argument. I think that’s where my guilt came in. I know he could hear me when he was unconscious, so i put everything to right and he knew I loved him more than anything in the world. I’m ok now, most of the time and the guilt has gone…i think. I was with him when he passed and so thankful I was. There’s no easy fix, no easy days and i just want him back. I need a purpose again but no idea how to find one
Hi I lost my husband just over a year ago whilst we were abroad on holiday with a sudden heartattack I just went hysterical and can’t forgive myself for not holding him in those last minutes he was taken from reception area were we were to a medical room and I just realise now i was in shock but it does not make me feel any better, I feel like it all happened yesterday, I have good and bad days but miss him so much he was my best friend soulmate life can be so cruel .
19th july 2024 1pm my whole being broke when i drove onto the estate i live in . There was ambulance cars people everywere. My partner of 35years had died from a heart attack and i was the last to no . My 32 year old daughter went upstairs to give him a letter thought he was asleep tuck his phone off him and frapped him "i love you all and ks is the awesome " .she heard the death rattle as she put his phone down . I live with the guilt my daughter had to deal with all of the trauma of cpr trying to conract me . Paramedics /neighbours.
His family turning up .news travels fast !!!
Still numb still vroken and now crying my eyes out remembering that day .how is this real .
I think it’s just natural that we go through the… if only, what if, and why didn’t i stages. I had so much guilt for ages and still, one year in, keep reliving that awful night.
This site is so helpful and people are very supportive. Xxxx
