Thank you Nigel for your kind words. I cant see a future yet but i will try. Its so hard to accept.
Thank you.
Isn’t it just so hard! I’m 100% with you on that!
I’ve just read all of your messages again. We all seem to have so much in common here on this thread. The suddenness of what has happened to each one of us is traumatic and bewildering and then there are the feelings of it being so unfair when we see couples older than ourselves still going strong. Then there is the sorrow for our spouses because of what they are now missing. There is just so much to deal with…the yearning for them and the loneliness is very hard to bear. It wasn’t meant to be like this.
Yes Lydia, we’re all walking the same path. One we didn’t want to walk, but have to do. It’s good to know we are not alone in how we feel. We just take baby steps, but in the end, even baby steps will get us to where we need to be - content with our lot.
Much love to all of you. Nigel xxx
Thank you Nigel. Yes it is good to know that we’re not alone in how we feel. Sometimes it’s the only thing that helps. Have been feeling very tired and low today xx
Agree so much with all of you. Its been nearly 3 years for me now, but the day my husband died so suddenly feels more like last week.
One ray of hope happened to me very recently. The last three Christmases I’ve been going through the motions but hating it inside, but I decided to try something different. I suggested to my son and daughter (who are adults with their own homes) that instead of buying gifts for each other that we would do something memorable. After some discussion we decided to go to London and watch Phantom of the Opera, staying the night etc. Well, doing that just the three of us, was a first. We all enjoyed the show which was spectacular, but even more I enjoyed being there with my children making a new, happy and very special memory. I think I probably got the most out of it because I realised that this would be something good my children could remember when I’m no longer here. After such an awful few years it was a wonderful feeling to do something different and positive for them and it’s made me very happy that I suggested it and carried it out. I know they’ve worried about me and hate the fact I’m alone, but I think this has gone a long way to make them feel better about me.
Maybe this has been a way of moving forward. I know my husband would be proud of me doing this for them and that’s helped me as well. Of course I’m still grieving but this has lit a tiny light in the darkness of my life after his death.
Love and best wishes to you all. x
Thats lovely JanieM. I agree that its about making new, good memories. Its still hard because our loved one is not with us, but it helps xx
I know how you feel Lydia. Even with close support you can feel really lonely in your head and heart. I have found the anxiety overwhelming. Just wanting it to end. I am trying to cope but it still hurts so much.X
I agree.
I am trying counselling 5 months on but i cant say its helping. It makes me realise im not going mad so if thats helping its doing it but the theories and models of grief etc dont help at all.
And i have my brave face on when i go out but if i opened up to friends how i am at home i fear theyd soon get tired of me.
Im so grateful for my amazing family but dont want to overburden them. Not fair
Im overthinking says the counsellor. Not really so i think in my case counselling is counter productive. Anyone else found this experience good?
I lost my wife to brain hemorrhage, 2 weeks after her diagnoses of brain anurysm, doctors said it was small chance of a rupture, and they would operate, she was well right up to that night, she called from upstairs, come here luke quick, I called back no ansaw by the time I got upstairs she was in a coma, surgeons operated but the damage was to severe, she died 9 days after and never regained consciousness she was 59 we married 42 years ago this month, it happened 18 months ago, and the pain is still strong, it haunts me every day, can’t seem to come to terms with this new life, your not alone in being alone xx
If the counselling isn’t helping maybe that person is not the right counsellor for you. Telling you that you are overthinking doesn’t sound helpful to me. Have you heard of Megan Devine’s book ‘Its ok to not be ok’ She is a grief therapist who experienced the sudden loss of her own partner so she totally understands. I’ve found her book and her YouTube video 's help me.
@Luke …i can totally understand how you’ feel. My partner had a bleed on the brain due to blood thinners that then resulted in a massive stroke. The doctor told me the bleed was on a crucial part of the brain and he would never make it home. The last words I heard him say was "save me’. He never regained consciousness and was put on end of life. That was now 15 months ago and every day is a struggle. I re-live it almost every day, my life now seems so mundane, i just exist without living. We had no children together, though ihave lovely friends, but they all have their own lives a d families. So how the hell do i rebuild mine? . It’s so tough isnt it and the only people who truly understand, is those who are going through it. Its a very lonely existence atm!
Hello Nigel just read your post regarding your wife who said to you she thought she was dying when she was going into hospital. That must have been horrendous for you. I had a similar experience. But i am consumed with guilt about it. My wife had multiple health problems and in and out of hospital over years. She had COPD and was totaly blind which she couldnt accep. . So also had many stomach problems… so when she said she to me she thought she was failing because she didnt feel well asked her how she felt and if her breathing was ok. She said yes but felt sick. I thought it was more of a stomach problem and said she needs to see a doctor which she refused. Now i feel so guilty i didnt force her. I dont if it would have made any fifference but it haunts me daily. She passed with a sudden heart attake but its constantly on my mind.
Six, Mary had multiple health issues too, asthma, COPD, arthritis, feet, back and hip problems. SO many hospital visits - I had to cancel at least half a dozen in December alone. She’d had a couple of chest infections that wouldn’t go away - nothing unusual though. She’d gone back to bed not feeling well and that was unusual, but I thought she’d said she was going to make the bed! When I went up she was shaking with cold which is when she said she thought she was dying. We called 111 and she was admitted to hospital within half an hour. But although her breathing was dreadful in the hospital even on 100% oxygen, she was still texting away as I think I said, 5 days later. Normally she’d not want me to call an ambulance but this time she didn’t argue with me or our daughters. So, even though I was a bit slow in realising what was going on, we all agree it wouldn’t have made any difference in the end.
What you did was sensible, in checking with your wife, and took action based on what you knew, her refusal to see a doctor and her past history as well. We did pretty much the same, and none of us expected she wouldn’t come home in a few days.
I’ve agonised over this of course, as you are, but we did what we believed was right at the time. That’s really all we, and you, could have done. Try not to let in haunt you though. I’m sure the doctors would tell you it wouldn’t have made any significant difference. How could you know she would then suffer a heart attack, just like we couldn’t know Mary would have a stroke and not recover. It never entered our heads!
Take care. Nigel xxx
@Nigel-Marnee … when Jimmy collapsed be said he cldnt move one side and cldnt get up. I called 999, but it didn’t enter my head he’d had a stroke as he was talking fine and answered the questions the 999 responder asked. It wasn’t until paramedics arrived and they noticed one pupil was very enlarged that they did he had a stroke. I struggled with guilt so badly as i thought if i had known it could have been a different outcome. But i know it wouldn’t have made any difference… the nleed was too severe. But i still struggle with the what it’s…and if only…and also feel guilty as i wish I’d sat with him, holding his hand, but the weather was horrendous and i was looking out the window for the ambulance in case they couldn’t find the house. Its tough sometimes… well all the time really and i feel i just talk about him all the time to friends, who must be completely fed up of me. I’m so miserable and just want to be back to my normal happy self. I don’t know who i am any more
So sorry I do feel for you and wish I had the answers, but even though I have children and grandchildren who are great there is no substitute for a soul mate, never realised how close we were until now, and how I relide on her for reassurance, hopefully the sun will shine for us occasionally in the future xx
Thank you Nigel for your reply. It sounds like we had similar circumstances… i can feel your loss. The feeling i could have done more and sooner wont go away just yet but im trying. It is early days i know. Thank you for your understanding. I hope all of us on this thread can fing peace in time.xx
To all on here. Your comments resonate with me.
I never had any seconds a moment to process what was going on. My husband was fine one moment then collapsed the next. No warning signs. I cant begin to process even after 5 months.
My guilt stems from how culd i not have noticed anything , what if I had found him a couple of minutes earlier. The medics said it would not have made a difference but it would in my mind.
I have now received a health check invite from my drs. Why didnt Martin get this . Maybe… I dont know. Thank goodness for an amazing close loving family but the void and emptiness is awful xxx
So sorry heartsand. You must still be in shock. The trauma of a sudden death can be horrendously devastating. Its hard to comprehend. Its only 2 months for losing my wife and i still cant make sense of it. Guilt longing and sadness are with me every day. If only we didnt have to part from our loved ones.keep connected to people who really understand and i hope we can journey together to find find peace.xx
The morning my husband died he was doing ok, he was talking and walking around, his nose was bleeding alot when I asked him he said it was nothing. I went home for a few hours and i got a phone call saying he wouldn’t sit down. I got there and by this time he wasn’t himself, he couldn’t speak (i finally got him to sit down).
He looked me in the eyes and I could see tears. I think he knew what was going on and didn’t have long. He passed away 2 hours later.